“Forgot to brush my teeth. Sometimes it just sneaks past my radar and I totally forget about something so basic. It’s happening more often recently; sometimes I’m going three or four days without going near toothpaste or a shower. Seeing myself naked makes me feel so uncomfortable, so I try to avoid it as often as I can.
Can’t remember how many calories I had today but it was under 1,000. I’m craving exercise but I’m far too nervous to go walking, in case I have to deal with other people, and the idea of going back to the gym is torture… I’d have to wear tight-fitting clothes and use the showers, and there’s nothing more soul-destroying than watching my own underarm wobbling while everyone else seems to be slim and toned.
Booked a hair appointment for tomorrow and arranged my X-ray appointment, so that means I managed to use the landline twice without freaking out.
I wanted to go out for a bit and considered asking the boss and Z if they wanted to go to the pub, but the thought of running the idea past mum first (as she expects) put me off. I know I’m always being told to stand up to her, but it’s not that easy. It scares me. I worry that she’ll disapprove and I’ll start losing everything again, and I couldn’t go through that, not even with the beta blockers. It terrifies me to think I could lose my whole life, as I have so many times before, just because I can’t assert myself with my own mother.”