I was woken at 9am by a rhythmic thumping. At first, I thought it was the bin men making an ungodly racket, but it’s not bin pick-up day. It sounded like the world was ending; as though Tripods had finally hit Earth and were stomping around a usually quiet suburban street in Northern England. Eventually, I worked out it was a tree chopper across the road and not an alien invasion.
I drifted in and out of sleep, wishing for peace. I didn’t sleep well last night; four hours at best, and what sleep I did manage was broken and filled with bizarre dreams. Fibromyalgia hit me badly last night, and I ended up leaning on my V-shaped pillow, watching Lost and knitting to distract myself. By 3am, it was obvious that I was going to need some help with the aches in my shoulders and thighs, so I caved in and took two co-codamol tablets. Half an hour later, they were working but I was still wide awake so I took another two, just to send me to sleep. I was hoping not to get back into that habit, it’s one of my worst; but what can I do? I can’t take anti-imflammatories due to having IBS, I can’t have any more sleeping tablets because I get addicted, and opiates are the next best thing. I’ve done this twice recently, which I’m not happy about.
S and I were supposed to be going to a philosophy group tonight, but I have a horrible feeling I won’t make it. I’m so, so tired; exhausted even. The idea of getting in the shower, washing and drying my hair, getting dressed, applying makeup, travelling, then sitting in a pub… I just don’t know if I can face it. I’m feeling panicky and anxious for no real reason (and I’ve taken my meds, so that can’t be blamed), I’m feeling guilty over eating at lunchtime, my stomach hurts because of the effects of codeine, and I’m just so lethargic. I’m trying to push myself, because I really want to join in. The idea of a philosophy group appeals to me, and I know I’ll get a kick out of being one of the youngest there, and of course I want to see S. I just don’t know if I can force myself this time.
I don’t want to sit around feeling depressed because I backed out. I don’t want to be disappointed in myself because I, yet again, let people down. I especially don’t want to worry that S will soon tire of having a girlfriend with fibromyalgia. He’s so supportive of me, but no man is a superhero and it must be frustrating for him. I can think of a million reasons why I wouldn’t want to put up with me, so surely he will develop the same reasoning one day. I’ve become so attached to him; and not just in the romantic sense. I genuinely enjoy the time we spend together, and losing him would be horrible. I don’t know why I’m thinking like this, it can’t be good for my anxiety.
I did manage to complete a few more rows of knitting, and I made a body scrub with olive oil, sea salt and fresh lavender:
I can’t quite see me using it for some time, though. Even the idea of lifting my arms above my head or standing up for any length of time sounds like a nightmare right now. Positive, eh?