I am tired.
It’s a combination of tiredness. Fibromyalgia tiredness is undoubtedly one of them, as my shoulder blade has started aching again and my right foot is crunching every time I move it; a sure sign that I’m flaring. Activity-tiredness as well; although I haven’t done much, S came to visit me, and even though we only talked as I lay in bed, it sometimes wears me out just making the effort to speak. Add illness-tiredness to that list (I’ve been on antibiotics over the past few days, vomiting and nursing a killer migraine), and so I can’t pinpoint exactly what is making me feel so lethargic.
I suppose it doesn’t matter, to most people. It does to me though… after being so out of control when it comes to my health, I feel like I need to have a concrete reason for everything.
So even though I had planned to do a lot of writing today, the temptation to go to bed is much stronger. I know I won’t fall asleep; anxiety over a lack of knock-out pills (confession time; I found two packets of 30mg codeine in my mum’s bedroom. I’ve taken all but two of them over the past few days, losing myself in a sleepy, confused, comfortable haze) will keep me awake for a while. Somehow, low-fat Ovaltine and chain-smoking is nowhere near a suitable substitute for opiates.
Still, I’m not unhappy. Being visited by S has made my week. I managed to convince myself (again) he would leave me because I’m always ill, but he cycled miles through the hottest day of the year, just to sit on my bed and hold my hand. So no. I’m not unhappy.
gypsy116
June 26, 2011 at 10:51 pm
I hope you are feeling better soon, I wish I could say something that might actually help
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 27, 2011 at 2:47 am
Don’t worry about it; I realised soon after publishing that the post sounded more negative than I meant it to.
Andy
June 27, 2011 at 3:16 am
Hello.
Hope you feel better soon.
Thank you for taking the time to comment at my blog. I appreciate it.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 27, 2011 at 3:18 am
Thank you
Thanks for taking the time to read!
thingy
June 27, 2011 at 3:25 am
Aaw, the positive inside. A very interesting person, you are.
Yeah, it’s lame to say, but, i do hope you feel better. : )
Astrid
June 27, 2011 at 5:20 pm
There is so much, I’d like to say, but since I am no native speaker and got a devastating message today I don´t have the power to write a lot. So just let me say, that I appreciate this blog really so much. You have got a real literary talent. I am sad to see, how much you suffer. And I can understand your substance abuse too. There is a point in life, where I think all the pain justifies it somehow – though it is still bad in a sense, bla bla bla.
I wish I had the power to create something, just as you do with this beautiful inspiring blog, but for me at the moment it is just surviving. Quite a task at times.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 28, 2011 at 11:27 pm
For someone who isn’t a native speaker, I think you put your point across quite well
Thanks so much for your appreciation, it really does mean a lot. All I wanted to do was keep a diary really, I didn’t expect anybody to take any notice.
If I can create something, anybody can. Don’t give up hope, really. Saying that, I think just surviving can be the hardest thing of all.
liv2write2day
June 27, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Living with chronic illness is such a lonely journey. Few seem to understand what you’re going through and may even blame you for being lazy or not trying to get over it. Chronic pain and fatique is the perfect recipe for depression. Kudos to you for making the effort to put this out there, for visiting other bloggers. I pray they will have more breakthroughs in the management of CFS and other debilitating illnesses. And that you will soon get some relief from this flare-up.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 28, 2011 at 11:19 pm
Thank you for commenting. Yes, it is a lonely journey; much lonelier than I ever thought it could be when I was first diagnosed. I’ve been called lazy many times, and my sister often tells my mother than I should just try to get over it, and it’s disheartening when somebody says that; as though just getting through the day isn’t trying. And yes, it’s the perfect recipe for depression. I suffer depression for many reasons, but chronic pain causes the most depressive bouts, and the most difficult ones to get out of.
I’ve read many studies recently which seem to suggest that breakthroughs are being made in managing the symptoms of chronic pain, so hopefully something positive will come in the future.
When I was diagnosed, I just thought of when I’d get better. Now, I think of when I’m feeling okay. I’ve accepted that this will be a major part of my life regardless of whether I deal with it or not.
Thank you
I appreciate the concise reply.
Astrid
June 28, 2011 at 11:11 pm
This is another Astird.
I hope you feel better and the fibro flare and tiredness and the illness for which you take the antibiotics have improved.
It’s good to hear you feel somewhat happy. It’s good to have S over I guess.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 28, 2011 at 11:13 pm
Hello
I do feel much better thanks, the illness (a kidney infection) seems to have almost disappeared, and although I’m still flaring, it’s nowhere near as bad. Thanks for commenting!