Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometimes.

If there’s something to be learned from Amy Winehouse’s death, it’s that I need to stop playing around with my health. I may be a prescription drug addict, but I’m an addict nonetheless. I’m a junkie. There, I admitted it.

Codeine is my mistress. Failing that, antihistamines or cough medicine. Any quick fix for the anxiety. I need to stop.

Pierced to a Platform

A sucker for love
and a hopeless cause
clocks tick slowly
and I am pierced to a platform.

Trapped by ellipses
muddled  by so many words
holes swapped for a soul
and a lamp post
lighting my way.

I am fearful of the dark, now.

(c) 2011

If hospitals cure then prisons must bring their pain

I planned to write a positive, inspiring entry yesterday, but it didn’t happen and now all I can find to write about is pain.

I’ve tried putting a positive face on the past week; tried making the most of forced resting by catching up on movies and books. I just can’t keep that false smile on my face any more. I’m in pain, it’s fucking horrible, and nobody understands. Nobody close to me, anyway.

Mum understands the physical pain as she has fibromyalgia also, but she doesn’t understand the pain from isolation and judgement. She doesn’t feel the need to socialise and live life like I do.

S understands that I’m in pain, but he doesn’t know how it feels. He’s incredibly sympathetic and helpful, but I can’t help thinking that he’ll leave me. I’m such a burden.

Right now, I have stabbing pains in my chest which make me feel sick every time I breathe, shooting pains down my leg, and burning in my backside. I can’t stand for more than a minute without needing to fall over. I can’t sit. Can’t lie down. Can’t get off the toilet without hurting myself. Can’t sneeze without extreme pain in my lower back. This has gone on for over a week now, and I’m ready to lie down on the floor and cry until I can’t cry any more.

I feel useless.

As usual.

With You

that I am no longer
on my own,
by your skin
your neck,

bedtime words
you whisper
to me
never meant
than when

by your grace;
we share the same
with you,
my love,
I am constantly

(c) 2011

I Hold The Stars

Stars refuse to shine tonight,
my sky is darker than ever before,
Summer slips effortlessly into Autumn,
as I keep vigil at the window once more.

I’ve written these words a thousand times,
felt these emotions more than I’d care,
I’ve walked this room and talked to these walls,
every night since you stopped being there.

You may think it strange, you may say you’re around,
but that means so little when you’re miles away.
when feelings run cold and nights last forever,
and I attempt coping in my own way.

You smiled today, you looked into my eyes,
and I considered perhaps it may not all be lost,
with your fingers inside me and kisses so warm,
but I now freeze, as the night turns to frost.

Empty streets with nobody around,
an empty room which still holds your vibrations,
afraid to move pillows which still smell of you,
… afraid to remember our last conversations.

Am I losing you, is this all I was,
someone to let go of when it suited?
My body aches and I don’t want to think,
that I must have loved, more than you ever did.

If you could see me tonight, would it change your mind?
If I broke down in front of you, would you ever see?
If I tore myself open in a less private way,
would you ever remember why you once loved me?

I hold the stars, they’re all I have,
words don’t mean half of what I believed,
I stand at the window, replaying what you said,
and I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to believe.

I always loved you more than the stars,
and I always needed you more than you’ll know,
I always felt more for you, than you felt for me,
and tonight, for the first time, I believe it shows.

(c)  2008.

The Perfect Poet Award week 47

Love Story

was a myth I never quite

was a lie, a few
empty words.

was a story I wrote
for you,
and you took it away
so easily.

I turn the pages
but you changed the ending.

(c) 2008.

Promising Poets Café


I couldn’t sleep tonight.

My body willing,
but my mind refusing to rest.

My greatest enemy was always myself,
and, right now,
I don’t feel safe.

my pillows feel too warm
and I can’t shake the anger,
I can’t let this lie.

I write words to keep me from the corner,
I refuse to go back there.

Tonight, I feel weak.

Twice, I consider calling you,
twice, I wonder if the promise was ever that important,
twice, I pace the floor,
avoiding my outlet.

I should have outgrown this.

I should know the abuse is no friend of mine.

… at 1.38am, does that really matter?

I hold my head in my hands,
talk to myself,
act that little bit crazy.

I can’t sleep tonight,
bitter taste in my mouth and too many memories.

I trace my scars in the dark,
reminding myself why I can’t go there again.

I was always my worst enemy -
denial just doesn’t work anymore.

I left the light on tonight

… nothing else works anymore.

(c)  2008.

Are “friends” electric?

Another day spent avoiding Z. I feel like a horrible, horrible person.

I try to console myself by repeating that it’s her fault, that she’s the one pushing me into hiding, but is that really an excuse? You don’t hide from people in friendships. You don’t ignore phone calls, pretend not to be online, stay upstairs in case she turns up uninvited. You don’t formulate a plan with your mother in case she demands to speak to me.

This morning (well, this afternoon; I didn’t sleep at all last night) was a nightmare. Getting out of bed felt like going to war, and when I finally staggered out of my room, I had to almost crouch down to walk, the pain in my chest and back was that bad. Still, I figured it would sort itself out if I kept calm. Then Z starts bombarding me with messages, insisting I meet her. Facebook, phone calls, texts… hardly 5 minutes went by without some sort of contact from her. I told her (truthfully) that I was having a bad fibro day and wouldn’t be able to see her, and she somehow talked me into ‘seeing how I felt later on’. I agreed, thinking I’d explain that I was still feeling awful, but 10 minutes later she starts again. 10 minutes.

The more stressed I got about it, the worst the pain flared, which made me angry and I almost snapped at her. It’s not my bloody fault that I can’t go out, I’d love to go out, but I just can’t; why can’t that be a simple enough explanation?

Ended up ignoring her totally. Ignored the phone ringing incessantly, logged out of Facebook, and hid away.

I’m a horrible person. I don’t deserve friendships.