06 Jul

I couldn’t sleep tonight.

My body willing,
but my mind refusing to rest.

My greatest enemy was always myself,
and, right now,
I don’t feel safe.

my pillows feel too warm
and I can’t shake the anger,
I can’t let this lie.

I write words to keep me from the corner,
I refuse to go back there.

Tonight, I feel weak.

Twice, I consider calling you,
twice, I wonder if the promise was ever that important,
twice, I pace the floor,
avoiding my outlet.

I should have outgrown this.

I should know the abuse is no friend of mine.

… at 1.38am, does that really matter?

I hold my head in my hands,
talk to myself,
act that little bit crazy.

I can’t sleep tonight,
bitter taste in my mouth and too many memories.

I trace my scars in the dark,
reminding myself why I can’t go there again.

I was always my worst enemy -
denial just doesn’t work anymore.

I left the light on tonight

… nothing else works anymore.

(c)  2008.

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Posted by on July 6, 2011 in Poetry


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5 responses to “1:38am

  1. Jingle

    July 6, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    awesome capture of dark moments,
    way to go.

    Happy Potluck!

  2. mindlovemisery

    July 6, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Intense writing you’ve really captured the torment and the anxiety. Brilliant

  3. Astrid

    July 7, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    Wonderful. You know Sarah Kanes 4.48 Psychosis, right?

  4. Cindy Eksuzian

    July 29, 2011 at 2:56 am

    Gosh, there is one line in this poem that blows me away and that is, “I left the light on tonight.” This creates such a big open window to the reader of a turning in your content! It fills me with the sense that there is a way out! Great poem!

    Sometimes the unconscious things we do tell us everything we need to know.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 8, 2011 at 2:57 am

      Thanks for commenting. It’s interesting how you read it; I saw it as a negative. Being unable to sleep without the light on was, I suppose, a way of saying I didn’t want to ever be alone. However, looking at it from your perspective it could well be positive. Thanks for that viewpoint.


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