I couldn’t sleep tonight.
My body willing,
but my mind refusing to rest.
My greatest enemy was always myself,
and, right now,
I don’t feel safe.
1.38am,
my pillows feel too warm
and I can’t shake the anger,
I can’t let this lie.
I write words to keep me from the corner,
I refuse to go back there.
Tonight, I feel weak.
Twice, I consider calling you,
twice, I wonder if the promise was ever that important,
twice, I pace the floor,
avoiding my outlet.
I should have outgrown this.
I should know the abuse is no friend of mine.
… at 1.38am, does that really matter?
I hold my head in my hands,
talk to myself,
act that little bit crazy.
I can’t sleep tonight,
bitter taste in my mouth and too many memories.
I trace my scars in the dark,
reminding myself why I can’t go there again.
I was always my worst enemy -
denial just doesn’t work anymore.
I left the light on tonight
… nothing else works anymore.
(c) 2008.
Jingle
July 6, 2011 at 4:12 pm
awesome capture of dark moments,
smiles.
way to go.
Happy Potluck!
mindlovemisery
July 6, 2011 at 7:04 pm
Intense writing you’ve really captured the torment and the anxiety. Brilliant
Astrid
July 7, 2011 at 10:28 pm
Wonderful. You know Sarah Kanes 4.48 Psychosis, right? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/4.48_Psychosis
Cindy Eksuzian
July 29, 2011 at 2:56 am
Gosh, there is one line in this poem that blows me away and that is, “I left the light on tonight.” This creates such a big open window to the reader of a turning in your content! It fills me with the sense that there is a way out! Great poem!
Sometimes the unconscious things we do tell us everything we need to know.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
August 8, 2011 at 2:57 am
Thanks for commenting. It’s interesting how you read it; I saw it as a negative. Being unable to sleep without the light on was, I suppose, a way of saying I didn’t want to ever be alone. However, looking at it from your perspective it could well be positive. Thanks for that viewpoint.