I try to console myself by repeating that it’s her fault, that she’s the one pushing me into hiding, but is that really an excuse? You don’t hide from people in friendships. You don’t ignore phone calls, pretend not to be online, stay upstairs in case she turns up uninvited. You don’t formulate a plan with your mother in case she demands to speak to me.
This morning (well, this afternoon; I didn’t sleep at all last night) was a nightmare. Getting out of bed felt like going to war, and when I finally staggered out of my room, I had to almost crouch down to walk, the pain in my chest and back was that bad. Still, I figured it would sort itself out if I kept calm. Then Z starts bombarding me with messages, insisting I meet her. Facebook, phone calls, texts… hardly 5 minutes went by without some sort of contact from her. I told her (truthfully) that I was having a bad fibro day and wouldn’t be able to see her, and she somehow talked me into ‘seeing how I felt later on’. I agreed, thinking I’d explain that I was still feeling awful, but 10 minutes later she starts again. 10 minutes.
The more stressed I got about it, the worst the pain flared, which made me angry and I almost snapped at her. It’s not my bloody fault that I can’t go out, I’d love to go out, but I just can’t; why can’t that be a simple enough explanation?
Ended up ignoring her totally. Ignored the phone ringing incessantly, logged out of Facebook, and hid away.
I’m a horrible person. I don’t deserve friendships.