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Girl, Afraid

30 Sep

I am scared of:

  • Numbers. I discovered the Fibonacci sequence today, and for the first time, I truly understood numbers. I don’t know why I understood it, or why what was previously a jumbled, confused mess to me suddenly made sense. Still, I can’t see most numbers without panicking. Percentages and decimals send me into a panic; I simply can’t process them. It’s like dyslexia with numbers. I’ve tried, so many times. Others have tried to teach me. My brain simply doesn’t want to know. Until I was in my 20′s, I was too scared to pay for something in a shop, in case I got the money wrong. I’ve only just stopped counting my bus fare over and over, to ensure I’ve got the right amount.
  • Crowds. Specifically, a crowded area with no clear exit. Depending on my mood, I can sometimes cope with a crowed room as long as it has large windows and a view outside. Other times, I simply can’t go through with it. I’ll panic, sweat, cry and, when it becomes too much, run.
  • Making an idiot of myself in public. I know most people have this fear, but I don’t think everyone takes it to the degrees I do. If I become aware of my mouth hanging open or a stain on my shirt, it sets off an uncontrollable sequence of events; I become horribly introverted, concentrating on that one tiny flaw. I become convinced that I’m the biggest idiot on the street, and that everyone around is judging and laughing at me. Logically I know nobody cares, but logic never works when I’m convinced I’ve ruined everyone’s day by being such a loser.

  • Losing everyone I love, or simply losing the company of those around me. I live in fear of people turning on me, or ignoring me. Giving up on me. Talking about me behind my back, yet smiling to my face. Being alone. Other people thinking I’m unpopular. I assume that stems from being so unpopular in school; everyone wants to be liked, and I can’t seem to help taking it to extremes. Sometimes I become convinced that everyone I know hates me, even my own family. I used to panic and phone friends incessantly, begging reassurance that they still wanted me in their lives. The medication controls this, but the fear still lurks. I’ve ruined so many friendships and relationships, simply by being terrified of loneliness.
  • The future. I used to see the years before me as full of opportunity, yet life has taught me that nothing much ever changes. I’m terrified of ending up forever going in circles; an endless cycle of medication, doctors, breakdowns, arguments, freak-outs and losses. I’ve accepted that I’ll never be an astronaut or be able to run a marathon. I’ll never be society’s idea of normal. I’ll never quite feel ‘right’ in myself. I’ll always carry my life with me. With this acceptance comes an empty feeling. I’ll never be who I dreamed of being. My future is so uncertain, everything in my life hangs constantly from the thinnest of threads, and I’m always one step away from damaging everything.

 

  • Letting everyone down. Regressing. Relapsing.
  • Not relapsing. I’m afraid to stand alone, without chemical and emotional crutches. I’m scared of life without self-harm, without purging, without breakdowns, drugs and crises.
  • Never being free of my childhood home, of my past.
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18 Comments

Posted by on September 30, 2011 in Every day life

 

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18 responses to “Girl, Afraid

  1. Cat (@advocating4hlth)

    September 30, 2011 at 4:17 am

    Wow, what an awesome and very personal post! You are very brave, and most certainly an inspiration! I too can relate with much of what you experience, and it most definitely does not make for an easy carefree life and existence. I’m sorry you deal with so much, .. struggle with living, … and like myself, are very much in a daily battle with yourself, your body and mind. It’s not easy to keep friendships when you’re “different” than most others, especially when you’re younger .. as few can relate, truly understand, have empathy and compassion. Sadly, in some ways I think we becoming “boring” to others, as we are not able to do all of the same things, share the same life experiences, etc. It can be very hard and painful at times without a shadow of a doubt. There are “good days” and there are “bad days,” and sometimes it feels like those “good days” are few and far between. My own struggles are based within my physical body mostly .. my body is attacking itself, and has been for some time now. Although, with such struggle and illness comes the emotional, mental and spiritual impact, … like a snowball effect. As a result of my illnesses I have chronic anxiety, some depression, great sadness and anger at times too … and another similarity, I have battled the mental state of eating disorders since I was 11 or so … My entire family has some degree of eating disorder issues, as it’s all on a continuum. Because I am so enthralled in my other chronic health problems, I have been distracted from that piece, but it’s never too far away. And because of my illnesses, I have gained a lot of weight, which has been incredibly tough, as I do have body dysmorphic disorder .. so I constantly beat myself up for something I seem to have nothing control over. Because my life has felt frozen for the last 5 years, I have been trying to take the “lost/stolen” period of time and make it into something positive, so I write and use my artistic skills. I am nothing I wanted nor thought I’d be at this age (turning 30 next week, yikes!), and that’s very challenging to deal with in and of itself, but frankly I don’t have the energy to worry too much, as my body is simply beyond exhausted from it’s constant battles with disease and pain. Well, I apologize for rambling on, and I do have a lot more to say, but I’ll stop for now. You followed me back on Twitter, that’s how I came across your blog .. and I am glad I did, as you seem to be a pretty wonderful person. I tend not to believe in accidents, .. but that things happen and fall into place for a reason, even if we don’t see it or understand it right away .. and I am sure I found my way onto your site for a good reason too. If you ever want to chat – about anything .. health stuff, diagnoses, struggles with friends, life in general, whatever, .. I am more than happy to do so! Blessings of health, energy, peace & laughter to you! Cat
    My email for my blogs is healthandillness@gmail.com. One of my main blog sites is: http://themanyfacesofhealthandillness.blogspot.com & http://www.facebook.com/advocating4health/.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      October 4, 2011 at 2:59 am

      Wow. Thank you so much for your honesty. I don’t feel I can do your comment justice right now; I’m a little low on sleep and can’t concentrate fully, so I’ll reply when I feel I can. Take care.

       
  2. musingmani

    September 30, 2011 at 4:40 am

    I can never quite wrap my head around how similar we are…
    It is unsettling and an enormous relief, all at the same time…

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      October 4, 2011 at 2:55 am

      I think it’s incredibly strange when you find someone who’s similar to yourself. Too many of us go through life thinking we’re the only ones experiencing and thinking these things.

       
  3. gypsy116

    October 1, 2011 at 1:09 am

    I find this so beautiful in its honesty.

     
  4. 托福補習班

    October 1, 2011 at 2:30 am

    I hope other folks consider your post listed here as helpful as I have. I manage a blog site myself and would be delighted for you or the visitors on your web site to visit. Please feel free to look through my website like I have with your own and post a remark or two if you find anything interesting. Thanks again.

     
  5. ghosterb

    October 11, 2011 at 7:00 am

    So honest and sincere, I hate that you have to live with these fears my friend :o(

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      October 12, 2011 at 1:14 am

      Honesty is my best policy, I think. Without it I tend towards delusion. Thank you.

       
  6. BigFieldy

    October 11, 2011 at 10:30 am

    I felt I was the only one who felt like this, even though statistically it’s a certainty that I wasn’t. Thank you for putting all my thoughts down. I try and do it justice, but you hit the nail on the head.

    Thank you.

     
  7. heartjunky

    October 24, 2011 at 5:57 am

    oh, it’s amazing how much healing continues to happen the more we put words to the demons. I sometimes wonder what the point is, when i’m moved to spend hours and days doing nothing but writing, and it feels like i’ve put words to every single imaginable thing, and yet i’m still compelled to write. There is always more. And then i read posts like these and remember why I write. So that I gain clarity, and maybe someone else feels heard in a way that no one else has been able to hear them, like i am heard by this post. thanks for being, halfway :)

     
  8. nightshade130

    December 19, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    You know, it’s easy to misunderstand someone when people don’t seek to understand in order to be understood. Thank you for helping us understand more about what you are going through. The more you speak out about your personal experiences, the more people will learn to understand. It is indeed a very brave piece.

    I have personally worked with persons with diabilities and I love them very much because they are in fact extraordinarily ordinary people and that is something I think many of us fail to understand. They are not so different from everybody else and yet we categorize people who are different from being “normal” to “abnormal”.

    Your fears are common to anybody else who seeks validation in such a judgemental world. As you continue your journey, focus on the Good more than the bad because a critic is a person that doesn’t see the errors of their own weaknesses that they have within themselves so ignore them and focus on what drives you, what inspires you, what is your passion and what moves you. You are more than what people say, and you inspire others with your writing as you reveal the truth of your experiences. Stay blessed and inspired :)

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      December 19, 2011 at 6:29 pm

      Thank you so much for this comment. I’m still amazed that people actually take the time to read this stuff.

      Brave? Probably, but I have a hard time identifying myself as brave. I’m no superhero. I absolutely love your views on persons with disabilites, it really made me smile. I said much the same thing on a forum the other day, and it’s nice to see someone who sings from the same sheet.

       
  9. Mike Azer

    January 2, 2012 at 9:12 am

    Your blog is very different than anything I’ve ever read! I’ve never seen such power, such honesty, and such freedom. Saying that, I’ve never also seen so many phobias.
    I feel you are quite a complex personality, because you manage to show extreme power in your tone of writing, and in the mean time extreme weakness in the text itself.
    I am not a psychologist/psychiatrist, but I feel you need some time off from the world, I think it would be very beneficial if you can spend some time in a retreat center. If you can afford it, I would recommend Anafora, in Egypt. When I feel down, I usually go there and spend some time, it’s like being a hermit or a monk in the middle of the desert! :)
    God bless you!!

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 2, 2012 at 10:37 pm

      Heh, if I had the money, I would! As it is, I can’t afford to move out of my mother’s house, so a holiday is out of the question. Thanks, though.

      I wouldn’t say I have many phobias. A lot of fears, yes… but real phobias are luckily few and far between.

       
  10. christlivethinme

    May 18, 2012 at 8:38 am

    I’ve been reading some of your posts. Thank you for writing about your experiences. They are my words that I haven’t been able to write as my struggle with depression and mental illness continues. I’m glad you found me. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

     

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