10 Day You Challenge – ten secrets

1. I will always find women more attractive than men, but I find men easier and more rewarding to love. I’m am still unsure of my sexuality.

2. I smoke in bed. My sheets are covered in tobacco and smudges of ash. I stay awake at night to smoke pot.

3. I suspect I have had more sex than most women my age. I have slept with much older men, I have had one-night stands. I had sex with a woman in the toilets of a club when I was seventeen. The sexual side of my relationship with my ex-fiance often involved BDSM, consensual violence and blood play. I’ve used sex to justify my existence. I have sex on the first date.

4. Sometimes I lie, without even knowing it.

5. I stash empty crisp packets and food wrappers down the side of my bed, so nobody knows I binge eat.

6. It’s not a secret, but I take a lot of medication I don’t need. I go to different pharmacies to buy co-codamol so nobody suspects I have a constant craving for opiates. I take antihistamines for the drowsy side-effects. I scour labels on cough medicine to find the ones with sedatives in. I enjoy the feeling of being under a chemical cosh, I find life without opiates too fast and confusing. I never wanted to be someone who never took drugs; I want to experience everything once.

7. I find it impossible to keep friendships. I start off meaning well, but I inevitably become introverted and nervous, and stop contacting them. I come across as cold, but I just can’t bring myself to fully trust a friend, and eventually it seems better to let the friendship go. I’m scared of friendship.

8. I often wish I lived in my dreams. The world I dream about is so much brighter and more beautiful than this one. Magical things happen. I have recurring, lucid dreams, and over the years I’ve built towns and cities in my head, places I visit every night. I could draw a map of them, they’re so real to me. I think it’s partly the medication and partly the pot which fuels these dreams. I’d feel lost without them; I’ve been visiting those places for so, so long.

9. I cannot play any instrument. Not a single one. Nor can I sing.

10. Sometimes I feel like I’m behind a glass wall. I don’t feel part of anything; almost like I’m out of my body and watching the world pass by without any real involvement. I have constant deja-vu, in places I’ve never been before. Some places elict such strong emotions in me that I want to cry, Yet I’ve never been there. It’s like I’m always out of step.




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  1. Pleaseant, isn’t it?

    I would love to know, if you’d like Donna Tartts novel “The Secret History”.

    I give you three passages:

    “I suppose at one point of my life I might have had any number of stories, but now there is no other. This is the only story, I will ever be able to tell.”

    “Does such a thing as ‘the fatal flaw’, that showy dark crack running down the middle of a life, exist outside literature? I used to think it didn’t. Now, I think it does. And I think that mine is this: a morbid longing for the picturesque at all costs.”

    A minute or so passed, and another, and then the white door opened just a crack. A face looked out at me. It was a small, wise face, as alert and poised as a question; and though certain features of it were suggestive of youth – the elfin upsweep of the eyebrows, the deft lines of nose and jaw and mouth – it was by no means a young face, and the hair was snow white. I’m not a bad hand at guessing people’s ages, but I couldn’t have come close to guessing his.
    I stood there for a moment as he puzzled over me with his blue eyes and blinked.
    ‘How can I help you?’ The voice was reasonable and kind, in the way that pleasant adults sometimes have with children.
    ‘ I – well, my name is Richard Papen – ‘
    He put his head to the other side and blinked again, bright-eyed, amiable as a sparrow.
    ‘- and I want to take your class in ancient greek.’
    His face fell. ‘Oh, I’m sorry.’ His tone of voice, incredibly enough, seemed to suggest that he really was sorry, sorrier than I was. ‘ I can’t think of anything I’d like better, but I’m afraid there isn’t any room. My class is already filled.’
    Something about this apparently sincere regret gave me courage. ‘Surely there must be some way,’ I said. ‘One extra student – ‘
    ‘I’m terribly sorry, Mr Papen,’ he said, almost as if he were consoling me on the death of a beloved friend, trying to make me understand, that he was powerless in any substantial way. “But I have limited myself to five students and I cannot even think of adding another.’
    ‘Five students is not very many.’
    He shook his head quickly, eyes shut, as if entreaty were more thhan he could bear.
    ‘Really, I’d love to have you, but I mustn’t even consider it,’ he said. ‘I’m terribly sorry. Will you excuse me now? I have a student with me.’

  2. Pingback: 10 Day You Challenge – Two Songs « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

  3. 2,4,5, 6,8 = totally relate and I do too, but they’re not really secret for me.. .I’ve been caught out by my boyfriend and mother on those, and I’ll talk to anyone and and everyone endlessly about my dream worlds…..no one ever wants to listen though :P You are very brave, I won’t be doing this challenge cause no-ones getting my secrets, I love them, protect them, hold them tight, they are mine!

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