Kreativ Blogger Award, versatile blogger award, and more

More awards! I meant to respond earlier, but it’s been a busy couple of weeks.

I’ve been nominated for the Kreativ Blogger Award by Bluesander and the versatile blogger award by Emilino Emloile, Gypsy116, Jessie and Nataly. I was also kindly nominated for the Seven “X” Seven award by Nightshade130 and the Liebster Blog Award by William Leed.

Really, I should have done a post for each, but I’m incredibly behind with replying to comments and posting, so I’m going to have to post a mish-mash of acceptences and nominations.

Firstly, thank you. I’m amazed that people are still reading this, let alone nominating me. All I wanted from this blog was to resolve a few issues, but it’s become more than that. It’s let me back into my first love – writing – and I’ve met some lovely people in the blog world.

The Meaning; Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest,dearest, beloved, lovely, kindly, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome.

The rules for the Liebster Blog Award are:

1. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog.
2. Link back to the blogger who awarded you.
3. Copy & paste the blog award on your blog
4. Reveal your 5 blog picks.
5. Let them know you choose them by leaving a comment on their blog.

Choosing five blogs is going to be difficult, as I’ve already nominated people for other awards and I don’t want to leave anybody out.

1.  Barefoot Baroness.

2. ryoko861

3. faithhopechocolate

4. Jingle Poetry

5. Bodhirose

I’ve chosen the above blogs because of their support through comments and the advice they’ve given. In the case of Jingle Poetry, I want to nominate because the rally they run has enabled me to start writing poetry again.

The Rules are:

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading.
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

Seven things:

1. I chain-smoke. I’ve mentioned this enough times already, but it’s the first thing which comes to mind. I smoke Amber Leaf tobacco, with blue Rizlas and extra-slim filters.

2. My favourite alcoholic drinks are Amaretto and red wine. Both make me sick, both disagree with me, but I adore the taste. I don’t like white or rosé wine, at all, and can only take vodka in small amounts.

3. I became a vegetarian after watching a documentary on chicken farming. I orignally gave up just red and white meat, then fish a little while later. I like meat, but not the way animals are treated.

4. I currently take over 60 pills a week for depression, BPD, anxiety, PCOS, skin conditions and chronic pain.

5. I love teenage fiction, as well as the Adrian Mole series and Chuck Palahniuk books.

6. I have over 200gb of music on my laptop.

7. I recently discovered the quote “carpe PM”, which means “seize the afternoon”. It fits me well.

Recently discovered blogs:

1. Shauna Smith

2. carvedbytheshadows

3. Persephone

4. http://shermeekaflies.wordpress.com/

5. Chronicpainsurvior

6. brija

7. Sunshine

8. Cauldrons and Cupcakes

9. gypsmeeks

10. fracturedangel

11. workinprogress4me

12. missredefine

13. Becky

14. The Taxi Dog

15. Kellie Elmore

I have many reasons for nominating these blogs, be it their writing style, the support they’ve given, the information they post, or simply because I admire them. I would love to give each blog their own space and explain the nominations, but I simply don’t have the energy right now. Suffice to say, I appreciate each and every one of these bloggers for many different reasons.

Rules of the Award:
1. Share ten things no one knows about yourself.
2. Pass it to six other bloggers.

Ten things nobody knows about me is going to be nigh on impossible, but I’ll try. I may have to cheat, and add things which people in blog-land don’t know.

1. I used to think I would marry Taylor Hanson. I still have a place in my heart for Hanson’s music, even though I’ve matured and learned that some music from that time was enturely rubbish! I had a room filled with posters, and even wrote stories featuring Taylor. In my defence, I was eleven and a bit of a dreamer. Ashamed? A little.

2. I know the whole dance to 5,6,7,8 by Steps. Which is even worse. I have no excuse.

3. I tried huffing deodorant as a young teenager, and hated it. I’ve been tempted to try it since, but it seems like a silly way to get high.

4. My first experience of being high was smoking a bottle bong (made from a plastic bottle of Coke) in a car with a group of lads I hardly knew, after falling out with my boyfriend at the time. We parked by some trees and I coughed my lungs up. I didn’t like it; I couldn’t imagine living without it now.

5. I still love Aqua, and don’t care who knows it. Cartoon Heroes is a tune (I never claimed to be cool).

6. I once stole the Lion King soundtrack on tape from a schoolfriend. I still feel guilty.

7. I hate being hairy. I really, really hate it. Right now I need to shave under my arms, and I wince every time I remember I have stubble there. I feel ugly without smooth skin. Oddly, I don’t shave or wax for anybody else; it’s something I’ve always hated and will always hate. I’m naturally a redhead (okay, ginger) so laser won’t work for me. I spend a fortune on hair removal products.

8. I stole some Amaretto from J’s parents. I have no regrets; if they had to cope with him every day, they’d understand. They had more money than sense anyway.

9. I sometimes seriously wonder if my dreams are my real life, and what I consider to be ‘real life’ is just a dream. I know it’s just wishful thinking, because my dreams are incredibly vivid and detailed, whereas real life seems grey and washed out.

10. I currently have the remains of various binges shoved down the side of my bed, nearest the wall. I’m too ashamed to clear it out.

Six Bloggers:

Getting difficult now! So I’m going to nominate some people I’ve already mentioned in the past, as I feel these particular people deserve recognition in their own ways.

1. Gypsy116 – her blog is amazing, and I see so much of myself in her writing.

2. Bodirose – very supportive, and speaks a lot of sense.

3. Mike Azer

4. Nicole – writes very honestly about her journey with bulimia. Has brought me to tears a few times.

5. judithatwood- also gives amazing advice and support.

6. ~L

Tell something about yourself that nobody knows

For the past few weeks, I’ve been having dreams about O. In them, he’s left Ally and has taken the children with him. When I wake up, I feel sad; not because I still love him (I don’t), but because I worry that he’s unhappy. He used to tell me how unhappy he was in the situation with her, and how he regretted letting me go for her. I wish he could be as happy in a relationship as I am.

Link to seven pieces you think worthy

Most Beautiful Piece:  THC (poem)

Most Helpful:  Depression – why it was never about sadness

Most Popular: What nobody ever tells you about dieting and eating disorders

Most Controversial: The Story of O

Most Surprisingly Successful: Like Last Summer (poem)

Most Underrated: Girl, Afraid

Most Pride Worthy: My first blog post, because it was so difficult to put my private diary online.

Nominate 7 bloggers who you feel deserve the award

You know what? I’m going to skip this one. I’m all nominated out, and I hope that doesn’t break any rules.

 

Christmas, steroids, Skyrim and too much food.

A lot has happened over the Christmas holidays and I’ve barely had the time or energy to write. I’ve been nominated for a few more blogging awards (which I’ll do a post for after this one) and seen the dermatologist about the rash on my hands and feet. I’ve been spoiled rotten with presents, eaten far too much, and had a few lovely surprises, as well a couple of days away in Manchester with S and his family.

Christmas day was lovely, but it was almost a disaster. I spent the night before Christmas Eve with S, and my mother went on one of her irrational rants when I was a few hours late getting home. I ended up crying on the phone, trying to deflect her accusations of ruining Christmas. You’d think I’d be used to it by now – she does this on every holiday and special event – but it’s difficult to accept that with each year, she still refuses to let go. I was angry. Very angry. Annoyed that she made me cry when I’d been so happy just watching movies and talking with S. Angry that she said I needed to see my GP because I was “losing it” again. I demanded to know why my siblings were allowed to get on with their lives and I was always the one expected to follow the rules she’s set down, and frustrated when she said that they have their own families so it’s up to me to spend Christmas at home. I mean, I have no problem with spending time with her over Christmas, but it wasn’t even Christmas day. I just wanted some time to see S and possibly spend some time with Z (my best friend). As it was, I had to go back home to her and cancel all my plans. Again.

Despite the frustration and stress all this caused, I managed to have a really nice Christmas. I was well and truly spoiled; I knew what most of my gifts were since I chose them (I’m too old for surprises, I suppose) but I really enjoyed what I received and had a lovely, peaceful day watching television downstairs (I rarely go downstairs normally, preferring to spend time in my bedroom) and introducing my mother to Discworld via the Hogfather DVD.

From my mother, I got:

A Discworld DVD boxset (Hogfather, The Colour Of Magic and Going Postal)

The Discworld Mappe, Death’s Domain Map, and the 2012 Discworld Calender (see a pattern forming?)

A purple jumper from M&S, which I’d chosen a couple of months ago. Lovely and snuggly.

Three smokey-eye eyeshadow sets and a solid eyeliner pot.

Two sets of thick winter pyjamas.

A legal copy of The Sims 3, finally.

Lindt chocolates.

Two Cath Kidston tins shaped like books – one with knitting wool, one with a crochet hook and wool.

A white heart-shaped jewellery stand.

Really, I felt bad about shouting at her on the phone after she’d put so much effort into getting me lovely gifts, but S reminded me that I can’t allow her to guilt-trip me. Not now that I’m 27 and trying to move on in life. I got her a CD, gave her one of my Lightning Seeds albums and my Queen CD boxset. She seemed pleased, and played the Queen CD all day.

My sister (E) gave me a toiletries set and a mug with hot chocolate and a tiny whisk. I don’t have the heart to tell her that the hot chocolate tasted like dishwater; she tried, and I know she’s pretty skint this year. I only managed to get her a Vaseline gift set. My other sister (W) hasn’t given me a gift yet, and we haven’t heard from my brother at all since my mother fell out with him. I thought about sending him a text, but didn’t want to be stuck in the middle of yet another ridiculous family feud.

Z quickly popped ’round on the way to her mum’s, and we swapped gifts. She gave me a nail varnish set, which I’m really pleased with. I got her a Hello Kitty bubble bath and some body butter. It’s been a good year for gifts; it really has.

After dinner (I helped out, for once), S came for a visit, wearing a paper hat which he’d forgotten to take off in the taxi. We sat on the sofa and exchanged presents. We’d originally planned for me to stay over at his that night, but I decided against antagonising my mother further after her outburst on the telephone. I was worried he’d become jaded by the situation, as so many boyfriends have before, but he seemed to understand. He gave my mother a handwritten poem, and presented me with a selection of parcels. S had claimed he hadn’t been “able to get me much”, and I’d been worrying that perhaps I’d spent too much on him. The first parcel was a PS3 copy of Skyrim. He said I could play it at his, since I’d been banging on about it for weeks. The next parcel was a PS3 controller, which confused me since he already had two. The third? A PS3. Second-hand, but in perfect condition. I was made up with it. I still am. It’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever been given. S explained that he hoped it would keep me busy when I’m on my own, rather than sitting in my own misery. He’s lovely.

On boxing day, S’s dad picked me up to take us to Manchester to visit S’s sister and her girlfriend. Had a brilliant night, playing poker, drinking beer and smoking weed with his sister and uncle. Played some silly games and helped cook dinner. I’ve always felt very uncomfortable with boyfriend’s families before, but I don’t seem to need to pretend when I’m with S’s family. I feel accepted, for once.

S and I spent the night in a hostel. It was a bit of a nightmare, sleep-wise. Somebody above us spent the night stamping around like a baby elephant, shaking the whole room and keeping me awake most of the night. Still, we had a good night, drinking and listening to Q radio. The next morning we packed and headed off into the city centre, stopping on the way for a Starbucks mocha and to admire the John Rylands University Library. We spent the afternoon in the Museum of Science and Industry | MOSI.

If my writing seems a bit stunted, it’s due to the total mind-fail which a combination of steroids and antibiotics have caused. I’m really struggling to put words together, and I’m only bothering to write this because I know I’ll only have to catch up eventually. A couple of days ago I finally saw a dermatologist, who diagnosed me with eczema which had become infected deep into my feet and hands, causing the pain and a risk of blood poisoning. He gave me strong oral steroids (six tablets each morning), oral antibiotics (four a day), topical antibiotics and steroids, and wants to apply for funding for persistant eczema treatment. I’m relived I finally have somebody who’s taking it seriously, rather than telling me it’s “just” a fungal infection. I’ve been in pain for over six months now. I have to go back in two months, to see how the treatment’s going, and have blood tests.

It’s just the neurologist next week, and hopefully I can relax for a while. I’ve seen too many specialists lately.

On a positive note, the steroids are helping a little with my neck and arm pain, even if they have left me with bruises under each eye and an already-swelling face, along with excess sweating and the urge to drink water constantly. I’m worried about the ineviable weight gain, but I suppose there’s not much I can do.

 

The Lake District, pt. 2

(c) The Lake District

(c) The Lake District

(c) The Lake District

(c) The Lake District

(c) The Lake District

(c) The Lake District

(c) The Lake District

 

Girl On A Motorbike – The Lake District

(c) The Lake District

(c) Lamp, the Lake District.

(c) "Followed the girl on a motorbike" - The Lake District

(c) Lakeside, The Lake District

(c) Crab, The Lake District

 

21st December

Yesterday, I finally helped my mother start clearing out her bedroom. Currently, she’s sleeping in the spare room and has been for a couple of years now, because it’s been impossible to even open her bedroom door because of all the boxes, books, clothes and amassed items filling the whole room from floor to ceiling. We pulled out the bags full of  my clothes which I haven’t seen since I left J and packed in a hurry, and I sorted them for charity. It felt a bit sad getting rid of a lot of my stuff, but I have far too many (I bought stuff I’d never even wear, in a crisis of confidence a few years ago) and some of it reminds me too much of that cold, broken-down house and the cold, broken-down relationship.

Whilst in her bedroom, I found a few things. A diary entry I’d written after O and I split up, a single Tramadol tablet, some Naproxen and, worryingly, a suicide/running away note I’d written years ago. I can only assume that my mother found it and, for some reason, kept it. It feels strange to think she’s read these things but for once I don’t think I can be angry for the invasion of privacy. I know I was acting strangely at the time, and perhaps they explained a few things.

I took the Tramadol and Naproxen and enjoyed the calm, slightly confused feeling as I slept for a few hours yesterday afternoon. I haven’t done so much physical activity for a long time, and every muscle ached, but it felt strangely liberating. Despite everything, I managed to help out a little.

I have no idea what date the diary entry is from, but it was written in 2009. Winter, by the sounds of it.

“I’d love to know how long I’ve been faking it. How long have I kept a strained smile painted on my face an hid the fact that my world is crashing around me? At exactly which point did I become the sort of person who has a cigarette to alleviate stress and considers drinking just to sleep a little easier? When did I stop talking?

I have no idea why I’m finding it so hard to just say, “you know what? I’m not coping. I’m depressed”. I fill my days with distractions, just so I don’t have to face up to knowing something inside me has broken and no amount of anything seems to fix it.

It’s become something of a routine now to hang out of the window and smoke at midnight. For a while, I avoided the window; it reminded me of too manyy sleepless night in the summer and early autumn, when everything went so wrong. When I avoided switching off the light so I wouldn’t have to face up to the inevitable nightmares and the morning anxiety when my phone calls to O went unanswered. I probably wrote my best poetry during that time, but that’s a very small positive gleaned from a massive negative.

And now, I’m back at the window. I haven’t written any poems for a few weeks; the inspiration has been there, but everything I try to write seems too forced, too much of a cliché. I suppose that’s all I am though; just a big cliché.

I’ve taken a sleeping pill. O and I napped together earlier (well, I crashed out next to him while he watched tv) and we held hands, which felt amazing. Chances are I’m not going to sleep easily tonight. I’ve been avoiding taking the sleeping pills, I’ve been getting more headaches  and feel wiped out the next morning, but sometimes I can’t face the thought of being awake for hours, thinking things over until I’ve worked myself into a state. Need to put a prescription in tomorrow; I only have a few left.

I’ve been putting off going near the doctor. And the gym. And the bookshop. I’ve been having panic attacks, and I’m just not in the mood to face up to them.”

I’m regretting taking the Naproxen, especially because it was a double dose. Spent all night with a stomach ache and didn’t sleep. Silly idea. Very silly idea.

 

An award

I’ve been nominated for the versatile blogger award by two people – Diabetic Redemption and Conversingwithnovels. It’s the first time I’ve been nominated (I didn’t even know it existed!), so to be put forward twice in the same week is a nice surprise. Thank you!

Rules:

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Pass this award along  to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading.

4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

Seven things

1: I’m currently obsessed with Frijj sticky toffee pudding milkshake.

2: I have pictures on my bedroom walls of The Wee Free Men from Terry Pratchett novels, an ordnance survey map of Roman Britain, and a promotional poster for Pink Floyd The Wall.
3: I just started biting my nails again, after giving it up in childhood.
4: I have a few ideas for projects. I’m not very motivated, so it’s a big thing for me. I want to make a steampunk Scrabble board and computer mouse, and I want to learn to make piercing jewellery with a lathe. If S and I get the house we’re hopefully moving into, it has a large garage out back which we’re planning on using as a workshop. I’ve never worked with tools before, and I want to give it a go. Making jewellery appeals to me too, and I could incorporate my knitting.
5: The phrase “pet hate” makes me sick.
6: I hate the smell of petrol, but love the smell of tarmac (I’ve been known to follow a tar truck around). I also adore the smell of Lenor fabric softener – the one in the blue bottle – it’s divine.
7: I used to steal things from shops. CDs. Books. Makeup. Clothes. For two years, I was stealing from places like Woolworths, Andy’s Records and Our Price. All these places went into administration. I blame myself.

15 blogs

I’m unsure if I’m allowed to nominate those who nominated me, but I would certainly advise visiting both their blogs (linked at the top of post). Both are wonderful people, who have given me such encouragement over the past couple of months.

1. Slavenphotography.

I only discovered this blog a short while ago, and have fallen in love with the photographs.

2. Madamfickle.

“I also have the “Truman Show” moments.  Except it’s the Madam Fickle Show and I’m the star.  If I’m not interacting with you, you don’t exist in my reality.  You come in, say your line and leave.  Then I really don’t think about you after that.  Not that I don’t care about you.  I do, when we are together.  I may like you, I may despise you.  But out of sight, out of mind as the saying goes.  So does that mean you don’t exist when you’re not with me?”

3. Worthwhile Treasure

Although our beliefs are different, I feel I have a lot in common with this blogger, and really enjoy her writing style.

4. Manic Planet – Living Bipolar

“I’m owning the diagnosis of bipolar disorder through mindfulness, self-care and a sense of humor. I’ve learned a few things I’ll share – you can take what you need and leave the rest.

“What you resist, persists & what you fight, you strengthen.”
Carl Jung”

5. Booguloo

One of my favourite blogs.

6. James Claims

A blogger I very much admire; his descriptions of his experiences are so full of truth, and he often echoes my own thoughts.

7. True Womanifesto

“I need to forgive my Mother for never believing in my decisions. I need to forgive her for always making me feel like my efforts aren’t good enough and that she always knows what’s better. I need to forgive her for always acting like my sister was more important and more capable of making her own decisions.  I need to move forward from this.”

8. Go Jenzy!

“With that said, I have made a very conscious decision that I need to correct this self-destructive behaviour, not only before it’s too late, but before it rubs off on my kids. My kids are my EVERYTHING and without them, I’m nothing.

I hope that the phrase ‘Better late than never‘ is acceptable one for me to be using. ♥”

9. Beautiful & Distracted

Gorgeous layout, and really playful, sincere writing.

10. Marbles In My Pocket

A lovely mish-mash of lots of things, and a lovely commenter.

11. Annegreye

“It was about 6 years ago now. I was with this guy and at the time, I thought he was awesome. He was my first serious boyfriend and I was very excited because it was evident that he liked me. I didn’t have to do any type of digging to find that out, but it wasn’t so obvious to the point I wanted to vomit, either. “

Honest and very well-written, like a story.

12. Anonymousteenager

Again, honest. Often brutally so, but really engrossing to read.

13. elizadolly

“This blog is about my recovery.”

If I ever had a secret twin, I think perhaps it is eliza.

14. Ventôse

Another secret twin of mine. Considering English is not her first language, she has a beautiful way with words.

15. The Quiet Borderline

“The dreaded question again. It came around to me and the nurse asked how I was. I said I wasn’t doing great and currently have a lot of anxiety. She asked me if I have anxiety whilst sitting here in the group, to confirm, and I said yes, it causes me to get anxiety. I went totally red in the face and it was really difficult but I did it. And I thought that honesty is the best policy, everyone keeps telling me that I am not open and honest enough about my feelings, so ha, put that in your pipe and smoke it. I couldn’t do any more than that.”

 

10 Day You Challenge – Two Songs

I realised I’ve sorely neglected the 10 Day You Challenge.

10 day you challenge posts:

Ten secrets / Nine loves / Eight fears / Seven wants / Six places / Five foods / Four books / Three films

Two songs

Many songs have meant a lot to me, and it’s nigh on impossible to choose. I mean, seriously choose. I feel disloyal to any song I leave out, and so I don’t think I can choose just two. My first song has to be Somewhere In My Heart by Aztec Camera (which I wrote about here)

.

And secondly, Sweet And Tender Hooligan by The Smiths.

.

 

Like Last Summer

Late July, last Summer
My shoes were going out of fashion
Living was easy, life was good for us
There was none of this -

Those hospital visits;
Crowded corridors, stale waiting rooms
Sleeping with the light
still on.

Summer turned to winter
And I stopped speaking to you
My mouth filled with empty, harmless words
Not quite lies, not quite truth
I couldn’t explain the nightmares.

I sat on benches
On crowded streets
Never feeling more alone,
never less complete.
The seasons carried on
and it seemed strangely unfair
I thought perhaps the world might
stop for us, for what we’d lost.

Still, life went on
Nothing changed,
Night still followed day
Life carried on making life
that cycle I could never be part of
That act I broke my heart over
That emptiness,
They just can’t understand.

Christmas, when I started
losing my hair
I lost all my faith
Still, I couldn’t tell you.

And now,
I no longer own my body
I didn’t ask for this
For this loss of control.

Those crowded corridors,
I walk them blindfolded now
Learning, at 21
That doctors don’t care
when they casually mention
those words.

Still a taboo -
as though it makes me less of a person.

I cut my hair
I told you, showed you
You didn’t seem surprised that I
was falling apart.

Late July, last Summer
We had no idea,

Last summer
…Before I went out of fashion.

(c) 2006.

 

 

I will walk into your garden, garden of stone

 

Years go by and I’m here still waiting, withering where some snowman was