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If you could see me now

05 Dec

Tonight I considered
it might all fall apart.

Something so fragile,
weaker than I’d forced myself to believe.

Blankets wet with nineteen days of tears,
mind racing with self-constructed fears,
the smell of ash
and taste of sleeping pills
… anything but the old ways to get me through.

And I wonder if you realise
how hard this was for me tonight?

How I buried myself under chemical calm
so I wouldn’t let the beast take over,
the monster I’d created.

Pushing at me,
pulling me,
willing me,
but I won’t do it.

Tonight, I saw how weak I still am
and a strength I didn’t know I had.

Skin untouched,
tears wiped away,
the empty corner.

I won’t stand vigil tonight.

And perhaps, maybe I won’t sleep,
perhaps I’ll let the tears fall,
but I won’t turn back.

Stars in the sky go unwatched as I lie here,
fragile,
weak,
but refusing to give in.

And I wish you could see me,
I wish you could know how hard this was for me.

Tonight, I considered I took on too much,
I tried too hard and it’s so easy to lose,
this went further than any game
and I realise now I’m the only one playing.

I prayed tonight,
I asked for strength,
I wrote words which made no sense,
I ignored the voice,
I denied the urge,
I wish you saw,
I wish you heard.

I don’t know what you think of me,
and I’m scared to speak these words out loud.

Tonight, I saw how I’m still the enemy,
but I didn’t give in.

Tonight, I considered that if the world could see,
next time might be easier.

(c) 2008

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26 Comments

Posted by on December 5, 2011 in Poetry

 

Tags: , , , , ,

26 responses to “If you could see me now

  1. B.B.Darlington

    December 5, 2011 at 1:58 am

    heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time.
    absolutely gorgeous xx

     
  2. Morning

    December 5, 2011 at 2:35 am

    deep and imaginative words, well done.
    :)

     
  3. sarafroiland

    December 5, 2011 at 3:28 am

    I can feel you.

     
  4. zephyr

    December 5, 2011 at 4:40 am

    Evocative, emotional, deep and powerful. Great work.

     
  5. Kay Salady

    December 5, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    I read this several times. It moved me so deeply. May each night get a little easier. You’re the only one who needs to see just how strong you really are. xoXox

     
  6. swabby429

    December 5, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Authentic and earthy verse. I had to stop and seriously ponder my place in this world after reading this. Kind wishes to you.

     
  7. becca givens

    December 5, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    Visceral imagery created … your strength is deeper than you can see!

     
  8. The Paranormalist

    December 5, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    “Blankets wet with nineteen days of tears”

    Piercing, just beautifully piercing.

     
  9. Raivenne

    December 5, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    Searingly thoughtful and thought inducing. Beautiful.

     
  10. Kellie Elmore

    December 5, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    i just love how deeply you pulled me in! “…wet with 19 days of tears…” yeah, you got some great imagery and I am in love! I am following for sure!!! ♥

    Kellie
    http://magicinthebackyard.wordpress.com/2011/12/05/on-a-hilltop-in-december/

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      December 7, 2011 at 12:33 am

      Thanks very much for the read, and for the follow! I’ve followed you back.

       
  11. William Leed

    December 6, 2011 at 3:10 am

    Raw emotion at its best. Nicely done!
    William

     
  12. Farfallina_Blue/anais

    December 6, 2011 at 10:18 am

     
  13. Charlie Parant

    December 7, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    great write…it’s by knowing our weaknesses that we can find our strengths

     
  14. caridwen

    December 8, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Authentic and emotional response to a situation I think we can all certainly relate to!

     

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