30 Days Of Truth: Day 4.

I have to forgive my mother.

I have to forgive her for smothering me as a child, and for keeping me away from birthday parties. For being over-protective and keeping me under her wing even to this day.

I have to forgive her for not allowing soft drinks in the house. For always keeping me where she could see me.

I have to forgive my mother for all the days she forced me to go to school when I was being bullied. For sending me to a child psychiatrist and allowing me to be sent to a mental health unit for minors.

I need to forgive her for all the antidepressants and antipsychotics she signed prescriptions for, and for the bitter yellow diazepam she forced on me. For her allowing me to be diagnosed with autism and sent to specialist after specialist. For the social worker she made speak to me.

I need to forgive her for all the times she judged my hair colour or style, or my clothes. The times she told me I would never cope on my own. The times she told me my goals were unrealistic. For all the times she told me to take my piercings out because they made me look ugly.

I need to forgive her for all the times I couldn’t invite friends to visit, or introduce a boyfriend for fear of her disapproval. The whispered phone calls so she wouldn’t overhear and the secret trips needed just to speak to boys.

Most of all, I need to forgive her for the control she has held over me all my life. I haven’t been an easy child for her, and I have been cruel and illogical on many occasions. Still, her motherly apron strings have been choking me for too long, and it’s tainted my whole life. It’s only now as an adult I can see that what she did was out of concern and anxiety, and that she felt just as confused as I was.

I need to forgive her, and I need to say sorry for causing so much damage.

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26 Comments

  1. Well, forgive yourself too. That may be a start. It’s very hard to forgive parents sometimes because the fact is you are the child, so you can’t help but want your parents to be the parents. That type of role reversal is very hard to swallow even when you have understanding and compassion for the parents. It takes a long time and many tries–even when you have a very good relationship with your parents. They can’t help but pass on their own hurts; but even understanding that does not always make it easy. K.

  2. This sounds too familiar. I’ve learned that forgiving begins with wholly embracing and accepting who I am, good and bad. I can’t forgive others if I don’t have the voice to truly say, This is who I am, and I will not apologize. The process is different for everyone though.

  3. I cannot imagine that much hurt you have built up inside of you. Even though you can write about forgiveness, you’ll still have to learn to believe it deep within. So, keep telling yourself or her that you forgive and one day you will truly know you have forgiven.

  4. I read a book called putting the pieces back together by Joy Jensen. She made the statement that anger and resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. I believe what that particular saying alludes to is that anger and resentment can eat away at your emotions in a very negative and damaging way. When we are unable to forgive its like a festering wound that will soon be infected. Forgiveness is a way to treat your wound(or hurt feelings) so that you can heal your wound or in this case your emotions. The sooner you are able to forgive ths sooner you heal, and less chance for infection like (emotional breakdowns, depression, etc) .when we forgive were able to move on in our lives. Anger and resentment only keeps us standing still. Trust me I know its not easy. I am learning how to heal internally by learning how to forgive. However in my case I have been able to forgive out of confronting what is bothering me and eating at me. Maybe confronting her and telling her your feelings will help you in the healing process. I hope you are able to forgive your mom if not for her then for yourself.

    Best wishes in your quest for forgiveness
    Your Fellow BPD sufferer

  5. I really enjoyed reading this…for a second i thought i wrote this! I can relate to this 100% and I too am forgiving my mother..I’ve only read 1/4 of what you wrote and i’m loving it! I feel i can relate to you..thanks for the follow and you’re definitely getting a follow from me…looking forward to catching up and reading more! Much Luv!!

  6. I’ve just spent over an hour perusing your blog. You write beautifully and brutally honest. You suffer from a multitude of afflictions/difficulties and yet there is an underlying tone of hope that will keep me coming back. You’re also the first person to sign up to follow my first blog so you’ll always be special to me. As you can probably tell I’m very new to blogging and haven’t quite figured it out. Still struggling with categories, tags, pictures, gravatars etc. Thanks for following my blog.

  7. Pingback: 30 Days Of Truth: Day 9 – letting go. « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

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