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30 Days Of Truth: Day 4.

08 Dec

I have to forgive my mother.

I have to forgive her for smothering me as a child, and for keeping me away from birthday parties. For being over-protective and keeping me under her wing even to this day.

I have to forgive her for not allowing soft drinks in the house. For always keeping me where she could see me.

I have to forgive my mother for all the days she forced me to go to school when I was being bullied. For sending me to a child psychiatrist and allowing me to be sent to a mental health unit for minors.

I need to forgive her for all the antidepressants and antipsychotics she signed prescriptions for, and for the bitter yellow diazepam she forced on me. For her allowing me to be diagnosed with autism and sent to specialist after specialist. For the social worker she made speak to me.

I need to forgive her for all the times she judged my hair colour or style, or my clothes. The times she told me I would never cope on my own. The times she told me my goals were unrealistic. For all the times she told me to take my piercings out because they made me look ugly.

I need to forgive her for all the times I couldn’t invite friends to visit, or introduce a boyfriend for fear of her disapproval. The whispered phone calls so she wouldn’t overhear and the secret trips needed just to speak to boys.

Most of all, I need to forgive her for the control she has held over me all my life. I haven’t been an easy child for her, and I have been cruel and illogical on many occasions. Still, her motherly apron strings have been choking me for too long, and it’s tainted my whole life. It’s only now as an adult I can see that what she did was out of concern and anxiety, and that she felt just as confused as I was.

I need to forgive her, and I need to say sorry for causing so much damage.

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26 Comments

Posted by on December 8, 2011 in Every day life, The Past

 

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26 responses to “30 Days Of Truth: Day 4.

  1. ManicDdaily

    December 8, 2011 at 1:21 am

    Well, forgive yourself too. That may be a start. It’s very hard to forgive parents sometimes because the fact is you are the child, so you can’t help but want your parents to be the parents. That type of role reversal is very hard to swallow even when you have understanding and compassion for the parents. It takes a long time and many tries–even when you have a very good relationship with your parents. They can’t help but pass on their own hurts; but even understanding that does not always make it easy. K.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      December 8, 2011 at 3:05 am

      You’re right, it may be a start but I think that’s another road I need to go down sometime. Understanding doesn’t make it easy, but it does at least give me a bit of perspective. Having mental health problems of my own has taught me to see when my mother is struggling to cope with her emotions.

       
  2. runitjojo

    December 8, 2011 at 2:18 am

    I hope that makes a difference in your current relationship…wherever it’s at now

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      December 8, 2011 at 3:01 am

      It does; I’ve already begun forgiving her, or at least trying to understand things from her point of view. We still bicker, but I’m learning to stop it before it escalates, because she’s struggling just as much as I am.

       
  3. dorhora

    December 8, 2011 at 2:58 am

    This sounds too familiar. I’ve learned that forgiving begins with wholly embracing and accepting who I am, good and bad. I can’t forgive others if I don’t have the voice to truly say, This is who I am, and I will not apologize. The process is different for everyone though.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      December 8, 2011 at 3:04 am

      You’re entirely right. Forgiveness is a very difficult thing, more difficult than I ever imagined it would be.

       
    • living4bliss

      December 8, 2011 at 3:18 am

      I agree that when you have been deeply hurt, it is really hard to forgive. Especially if the one who has hurt you refuses to accept the fact that they have hurt you.

      There is a fine line between forgiveness and self-preservation. I still wrestle with that line.

       
  4. living4bliss

    December 8, 2011 at 3:16 am

    Mom is only human. She meant well.

    Forgive her, but row your own boat, be your own person.

     
  5. Lilly

    December 8, 2011 at 5:00 am

    I cannot imagine that much hurt you have built up inside of you. Even though you can write about forgiveness, you’ll still have to learn to believe it deep within. So, keep telling yourself or her that you forgive and one day you will truly know you have forgiven.

     
  6. TabbPalmer 413

    December 8, 2011 at 5:07 am

    I read a book called putting the pieces back together by Joy Jensen. She made the statement that anger and resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. I believe what that particular saying alludes to is that anger and resentment can eat away at your emotions in a very negative and damaging way. When we are unable to forgive its like a festering wound that will soon be infected. Forgiveness is a way to treat your wound(or hurt feelings) so that you can heal your wound or in this case your emotions. The sooner you are able to forgive ths sooner you heal, and less chance for infection like (emotional breakdowns, depression, etc) .when we forgive were able to move on in our lives. Anger and resentment only keeps us standing still. Trust me I know its not easy. I am learning how to heal internally by learning how to forgive. However in my case I have been able to forgive out of confronting what is bothering me and eating at me. Maybe confronting her and telling her your feelings will help you in the healing process. I hope you are able to forgive your mom if not for her then for yourself.

    Best wishes in your quest for forgiveness
    Your Fellow BPD sufferer

     
  7. jeg700

    December 8, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    She loves you. Always has and always will. You can count on it.

     
  8. workinprogress4me

    December 8, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    I really enjoyed reading this…for a second i thought i wrote this! I can relate to this 100% and I too am forgiving my mother..I’ve only read 1/4 of what you wrote and i’m loving it! I feel i can relate to you..thanks for the follow and you’re definitely getting a follow from me…looking forward to catching up and reading more! Much Luv!!

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      December 9, 2011 at 1:32 am

      Seems a lot of people need to forgive their mothers. Thanks for following, and I wish you luck with the whole forgiveness thing; it’s not easy.

       
  9. gypsy116

    December 10, 2011 at 2:44 am

    sounds a lot like the relationship between me and my mom.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      December 12, 2011 at 12:55 am

      Yeah, I often see the similarities when I read your blog. I think it’s one of the reasons why I started reading in the first place.

       
  10. redwheelbarrow1957

    December 11, 2011 at 1:55 am

    We have forgive others so we have room to forgive ourselves and be forgiven by others.
    We are all broken.
    We are all human.
    We all deserve forgiveness.

     
  11. betterlifejourney

    December 12, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    I’ve just spent over an hour perusing your blog. You write beautifully and brutally honest. You suffer from a multitude of afflictions/difficulties and yet there is an underlying tone of hope that will keep me coming back. You’re also the first person to sign up to follow my first blog so you’ll always be special to me. As you can probably tell I’m very new to blogging and haven’t quite figured it out. Still struggling with categories, tags, pictures, gravatars etc. Thanks for following my blog.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      December 13, 2011 at 10:55 am

      Don’t worry at all about getting used to blogging, it took me forever to work out how to use this thing. I started out on Blogger, but found WordPress more intuitive to use. Just back everything up and play around, see what works :)

      And thank you!

       
  12. Whitey

    December 30, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Amazing. Sounds like my Mum in some parts. Wishing you well on the journey.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      December 30, 2011 at 5:25 pm

      Thank you. I’m amazed how many can relate. Sometimes I think I’m the only one struggling with parents.

       

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