Under neon loneliness

I fell asleep last night with plans going through my head; plans to rearrange my bedroom, visit Z, and go for a long walk. I didn’t sleep well as a result (thinking too much hurts my brain) and kept getting up to eat chocolate and smoke. The diet isn’t going well. I’m undoubtedly eating healthier, but I’m still stuffing my face. The combination of steroids, munchies from the weed and a still-going huge Christmas pig-out has left me with no real motivation to shift these few stones. I know I need to get a grip on this binging, because it’s teetering on the edge of becoming a massive problem and I have enough to deal with right now.

As usual, the plans didn’t exactly materialise. I woke up around 2pm with a fuzzy head, and spent far too long trying to pull myself together. Washed my face (second day in a row, go me!) and spent a millisecond considering getting dressed before realising that there was no way I was going to leave the house today, let alone visit Z. Stayed in my pyjamas, lit some candles, lied to Z and said I had no money (horrible friend, horrible horrible friend) and spent the day sorting a few small things out and replying to comments on my blog. I just didn’t feel like I could speak to anybody today, let alone find the money to pay for a taxi and spend the day at Z’s house. I’m getting nervous about being in public again, which is a bad sign; I can’t lose that confidence. Everything goes to shit when I stop going out, and I haven’t been leaving the house much at all recently.

I’ve arranged with Z to go for coffee with her on Thursday, and I’ve told myself that I will go out.

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13 Comments

  1. It is SO GOOD that you are writing about this!

    Lady you hit the nail on the ED head.Ths is the way that ean ED works. Isolates you, and Gets You right where it wants you! Sitting in your room, being called by chocolates, or making you feel ashamed; like you said, like you’re a horrible friend.

    You aren’t sweetie, you’re just fighting a mean opponent and doing a great job by sharing your experience. It will help. We all support you!

    Maybe have a walk … you deserve some fresh air: Only in you want. You’re not alone at all, love! xoxo melis

  2. Hey, eating chocolate isn’t too bad. Yeah, it does keep you up at night (I have that same problem from eating too much chocolate-I was a glutton at Christmas-OY!) but it beats eating a ton of chips and dip! Oh wait, that’s the stuff you eat after a doobie, right? Shit, vicious circles…..my bad.

    Yes, you WILL go to Z’s. It’ll feel good to get out! Don’t fear the public. They’re not thinking anything. Bring chocolate. Shouldn’t eat chocolate alone.

  3. You’re not a horrible friend. You’d be a horrible friend if you just blew Z off and didn’t make any attempt to re-arrange.

    I’m going to church Wednesday night so I’ll light a candle for you then, for Thursday.

    Chocolate is a necessary part of any balanced diet – and to be perfectly balanced, I believe ideally one has to have a bar in each hand. ;)

  4. Seems to me that, because Z. is your friend, she would understand if she knew you’d lied. Try not to hammer yourself too badly over staying home for a day. Please do go out next time — once you’re with Z., it won’t seem quite so hard, I hope. Sending you all kinds of love and good feelings!

    • I don’t know if she’d understand me lying, but I don’t see a good reason to mention it to her. I avoid her too often, and it’s time I made the effort to salvage the friendship before it falls apart like so many others. I need to sit down with her and explain what’s been going on, remind her that’s it’s not our friendship I have a problem with, but the inevitable social anxiety. Thanks :)

  5. I know how you feel about not wanting to talk to anyone. Somedays I wake up (like you in the afternoon) and just try to avoid everyone. I live with my family though, so it makes it a bit harder to do that, and I do end up speaking to people. It’s a very hard feeling to pin down though, because sometimes there is no reason why you feel that way – I find that I’m not even angry when I’m like that. I hope you have a better day on Tuesday.

  6. It’s a powerful thing to recognize your fears. Try not to beat yourself up for taking the time you need, when you needed it and forgive yourself when you do.

    You’ll make it for Coffee because you want to. :)

    And thanks for sharing this post. I’ve felt what you are describing many times, while it’s never fun to think that someone else might suffer what you do,, it’s nice to be able to be understood and have hope for someone else.

    I have hope for you.

Send me love.

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