He took all of my sins and he wrote a pocket novel called “The State I Am In”

I’m suffering.

It’s my own fault; which only makes the taste even more bitter. There was no good reason for me to binge last night, and I should have had more self-control. Now my stomach is cramping from the ridiculous food choices I made, and along with IBS I’ve concluded that there was no reason to take laxatives anyway; my own body has decided to evacuate without any additional effort from me. I should be pleased, but I just feel disgusting.

Sleep was a strange creature last night. I eventually nodded off after forcing myself to smoke a very strong spliff in the hope that it would knock me out, and as a result I totally missed getting up to phone the doctor to get an appointment for a second opinion. I’m frustrated with myself, but I suppose the important thing is that I’m awake now and I can give sleeping another try later.

Shopping didn’t go too badly, even if the entire main street did seem to be full of people crazier than I am. Usually I get stressed and panicky if it’s too crowded or full of dimwits shambling about like lost children, but I think I had my determined head on today and I coped quite well.

Appearance-wise, I think I probably frightened a few people today. The act of giving a shit about how I look started off with good intentions of wearing something pretty, but inevitably I ended up wearing jeans. Jeans which don’t even fit; which are so big that my legs don’t even touch them. I’m still wondering why I didn’t take them back, or at least think logically about buying a size 16 – as I said, I have no idea of my body size or shape – because they’re driving me mad. At least my muffin-top of epic proportions doesn’t ooze out over the waistband like so many other pairs of jeans I own. Small mercies. I didn’t brush my hair, choosing to shove a green bobble hat over my head instead, so masses of frizzy orange hair was sticking out all over the place. I wore my old pink coat (the unflattering one) and knee boots, and surrendered myself to the big bad world; terrible hair and all.

I used to care a lot about the way I looked; too much, really. Everything had to be perfect – not a hair out of place – and I felt so comfortable with my physical self when I put the effort in. I’m not sure what happened to all that. I still spend the money on the products, but I don’t seem to look any better or less bedraggled.

Had a long, hot bath and a joint as soon as I got back home; sweat was clinging to my back and hair, and I felt disgusting. The steroids may be wonderful for clearing up the eczema (I have almost normal skin now!) and help with the muscle pains, but they make me sweat like a pig. A big, horrible ginger pig. Threw a load of extra-moisturising olive oil bath milk into the water along with some Bio Oil, rubbed in a John Frieda emergency hair mask (I hate this time of year; it couldn’t be less hair-friendly), sandpapered myself with vitamin E body scrub and tried to concentrate on the book I’ve just started reading; Before I Go To Sleep by SJ Watson.

Plucked my eyebrows and checked my face for steroid-swelling (there, but not as noticeable as I’d feared), rubbing my too-orange makeup off and trying to untangle the ungodly knots from my hair without breaking most of it off. I bought two salon-sized bottles of TIGI shampoo and conditioner today; money I can’t really afford but if I don’t get this haystack under control I’m going to lose it.

Spoke to Z a little on Facebook messaging about seeing her tomorrow. I realised I can’t afford to take us for coffee as I’m getting my hair done (I was going to buy her a coffee, to make up for being a shit friend) so we’re going to stay in, watch films, drink amaretto coffee and play with make-up. I think I feel okay about it; it’s a little easier to cope if I plan ahead. Of course, that could all change if I sleep as badly tonight as I did last night.

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27 Comments

  1. At least you got out today! I think you’ll enjoy tomorrow as well.
    I was so wishing your food stayed in your stomach.
    Before you do anything tomorrow, make that appointment! It’ll be a relief when you do.
    And you’re not a shit friend. There’s no reason to get together with someone if you’re not feeling up to it. What poor company you’d be. I cancelled seeing a friend yesterday. I had so many other things on my mind that I didn’t think I’d be much fun. They understood. So it’s better to wait til another day when you’re more into it.

  2. I love that you went out without trying too hard to look a certain way. You know, fuck society’s beauty ideal and all that. Anyway, better to go out looking imperfect than stay in and feel worse about yourself.

    Woo!

  3. I totally sympathise about smoking to get sleep then oversleeping and missing appts. I’m smoking a joint right now knowing I have to be up at 6 and worrying I will oversleep.
    I can’t seem to keep up my appearance either these days. I just don’t care. Once upon a time I did but I recall I also used to find dressing, hair and make up a nightmare, so maybe that’s why I don’t do it now.
    Thinking of you xx

  4. Congratulations for coping! Makes me proud to read your stuff, and hear how hard you working. I think your “staying in” visit with Z. should be a lot of fun. It certainly sounds like you haven’t made any fatal mistakes in that friendship. Rock on, sister. All you need to do is one second at a time. Sending love and good hopes.

  5. Reading this post is like tearing a page out of my life and putting it on the front page of the internet. It’s so easy to relate it’s uncanny.

    Anyway… Don’t sell yourself short. You left house, I call that a Win. :)

    If it makes you feel better, I left the house today mismatched as hell. Giant Blue Nike Pullover with Red Flannel Tweety Bird Pajama Bottoms. My hair wrapped up into a bun and tucked under a “Coors” hat which I only keep handy when I don’t feel like negotiating my swirly curly hair. I probably looked like a dude. lol

    Who cares what everyone else thinks. This is your life – Take it how you can get it and work on it at your own pace. The less pressure, the less anxiety – Don’t be hard on yourself :p

    I think your a doll for being honest.

  6. good on you for plucking your eyebrows. when i binged and purged, it was the last thing that i could do because i was too busy stuffing my face. so i went to the aesthetician weekly. that was one hour when i wouldn’t have to worry about eating, although it was always better if i went while feeling skinny. i started saving a ton of money after stopping the cycle because i’d have the patience to do my own eyebrows although i still dread it because i have no real patience. :)

  7. Halfwaybetweenthegutter, thank you for following my blog. After reading this page, I can understand why you would want to. We have both been through some very hard times, although they are both different.
    I’ve not read the rest of your blogs, but if you’ve not yet sought out mental health therapy, please do it for yourself. Not for anybody else, but for you.
    As an advocate, I worked with people just like you and they needed additional, ongoing assistance in order to get better, feel better.
    Please don’t waste your life feeling miserable, when there is so much life to be lived. You just have to cross that line, make the appointment and follow through. You are writing this blog, you’ve won all these awards. YOU can do it for yourself.
    I was an advocate and even I needed help. Mental health professionals sometimes need help. Trust me when I say, you are not alone, but you have to make the first move. No one can do it for you.
    Wishing you the strength to make the move and follow through,
    Suzannesan
    http;//suzannehill1978.com

  8. *Hugs*

    Try not to be hard on yourself – easier said than done, I know. Even little achievements are still achievements. You’re still fighting, you know, even if it doesn’t feel like it, and you’re stronger than you think you are. Maybe let some of those niggles go and concentrate on oneimportant one. If you start working on your relationship with food, the others will start to fall into place.

    Wish we could help you more. *More hugs*

Send me love.

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