I always had amazing balance as a child. In primary school, I would always be the last one left standing if we stood on one leg in P.E, and I could stand on a wall for ages without wobbling or losing my footing. I was strong too; much stronger physically than many of the other girls. I could lift up boys and heavy boxes and furniture with ease. I also had an amazing memory for words and spellings – although anything involving numbers left me cold – and could reel off obscure words with ease.
So when I find myself stumbling into a shop display, as I did today, I feel disappointed.
I miss having control over my own body. Although the steroids have done an amazing job at helping with the fibro pain and muscle twitches, I’m still losing my balance. I put it down to all the pot I’ve been smoking at first, but then remembered that balance isn’t something which affects me when it comes to weed. If anything, it helps me concentrate on walking. Walking through town today with my mother, I felt like a newborn giraffe, my legs flying in all directions while my brain struggled to keep up.
I had strict words with myself regarding the binge-eating last night. It can’t carry on, and I have to set a deadline to stop. That deadline is today. I’ve decided that the best way to try and curb the habit is to stock up on healthier snack foods – dried bananas and apricots – and force myself away from the late-night cheese and butter frenzies. I also need to stop living in my ‘fat jeans’; they’re making it too easy to accept piling the weight on.
I have no idea how much I weigh, and I’m not sure I want to know. I’m a UK size 16. When I met S in February, I was a size 10 and happy. A bit curvy still, but slim and confident.
So today, it all stops. Stuffing my mouth with fat and salt stops now. I promise.