I packed a fishing line and counted on it.

I always had amazing balance as a child. In primary school, I would always be the last one left standing if we stood on one leg in P.E, and I could stand on a wall for ages without wobbling or losing my footing. I was strong too; much stronger physically than many of the other girls. I could lift up boys and heavy boxes and furniture with ease. I also had an amazing memory for words and spellings – although anything involving numbers left me cold – and could reel off obscure words with ease.

So when I find myself stumbling into a shop display, as I did today, I feel disappointed.

I miss having control over my own body. Although the steroids have done an amazing job at helping with the fibro pain and muscle twitches, I’m still losing my balance. I put it down to all the pot I’ve been smoking at first, but then remembered that balance isn’t something which affects me when it comes to weed. If anything, it helps me concentrate on walking. Walking through town today with my mother, I felt like a newborn giraffe, my legs flying in all directions while my brain struggled to keep up.

.

I had strict words with myself regarding the binge-eating last night. It can’t carry on, and I have to set a deadline to stop. That deadline is today. I’ve decided that the best way to try and curb the habit is to stock up on healthier snack foods – dried bananas and apricots – and force myself away from the late-night cheese and butter frenzies. I also need to stop living in my ‘fat jeans'; they’re making it too easy to accept piling the weight on.

I have no idea how much I weigh, and I’m not sure I want to know. I’m a UK size 16. When I met S in February, I was a size 10 and happy. A bit curvy still, but slim and confident.

So today, it all stops. Stuffing my mouth with fat and salt stops now. I promise.

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38 Comments

  1. Maybe you should concentrate less on weight and more on how you feel, ya know? Weight can be really depressing at any time, but how you feel can get better faster.

    Also, good for you for making the choice to stop! I’m just into the obese category by BMI, and it’s really hard for me to force myself to exercise. Good luck on your endeavors!

  2. I’ve always had pretty terrible balance because I have flat feet.
    Feminine grace has always eluded me. I’ve always been an awkward, disbalanced, stumbling-into-door-frames kind of a person. I am extremely clumsy, and that annoys me a lot. :(

    “So today, it all stops. Stuffing my mouth with fat and salt stops now. I promise.”
    Blargh. Yet another thing I keep promising myself, but can never stick to. I keep thinking I’ll eat healthy, but it’s so hard to when the best or the easiest to make foods are so unhealthy :(

    • “Feminine grace has always eluded me. I’ve always been an awkward, disbalanced, stumbling-into-door-frames kind of a person. I am extremely clumsy, and that annoys me a lot.”

      Yes! This is me. I’m a bumbling mess, knocking my head on cupboards and tripping over. I like to think it makes me come across as ‘ditzy’ and cute, because otherwise I’ll just cry over how galumphing I really am.

      And yeah, the best foods are so unhealthy. I was never one of those people who naturally loved celery. It’s hard. I hope you manage it, I really do.

  3. Hello hun, Very obviously, I have not been following your blog long, but I appreciate what you have shared so far.

    I am curious to know what you consider “binge” eating. Is there another post you have already shared describing it? Or your eating habits in detail, which you might direct me to?

    I am saddened to know you are feeling so frustrated.

    Thank you for sharing your posts. I know how hard it can be to talk about the things that bother you the most. Sending support your way <3

    • I suppose I consider binge eating, for me, to be the need to eat as much as possible in a small space of time, preferably something high in fat, salt and sugar, mostly at night. I get up around 2-3am and raid the fridge and cupboards.

      For example, the other night I ate, in the space of about half an hour:

      A whole ginger cake
      Two slices of cheese on toast, with butter. Lots of butter.
      Half a family-sized tub of honey-roasted peanuts
      A pint of full-fat milk
      Four more slices of toast with butter and marmalade

      … and I still wanted more. I felt sick, but just couldn’t stop. I suppose that’s a binge to me.

      And thank you, Andromache <3

  4. Here’s a suggestion sent with much love: in the U.S., we have a company called The Smiling Cow. One product they sell is a little round of cheese, wrapped first in wax, and then cellophane. These are about an inch by an inch, and pretty low in calories. Here, they come in little net packages of 6. I open 4 or 5 packages, and put the cheeses in a big plastic cup in the fridge, where I can grab one if I want. I find one or two a day, eaten at the right time, really takes care of that cheese jones. And please, remember that all or nothing is never a good idea for those of us who already live that way. Be careful about switching from cheese and fat and carbs to dried fruit; that may be enough of a change to make you want to throw your hands up and go backward. I say this, even though I am in a struggle to lose weight myself right now. This comment will remind me what I can do to shore up my feeling of ability.

    • Keep up trying with the weight loss; you can do it Judith. You’ve given me enough good advice on eating well for me to believe that you can manage it yourself.

      I dealt quite well with the dried fruit last night. Ate half a bag and realised I wasn’t missing eating cake; I think I just want to feel full, regardless of what I eat. It’s the full feeling I aim for. I’m not keen on cheese triangles, but I’ve bought some low-fat Philadelphia to give me a cheese hit without the guilt.

  5. You write with such honesty… You let us in on your world and who you are. I wish you luck with all you want to accomplish… You have a beautiful heart:)

    Coming from someone who worked in fitness at one time… Think about health and less on weight… The more you focus on healthy food it takes the worry off the weight… It’s not easy!!! It takes a lot of mindfulness. Eat lots of fiber!!!! This keeps you full;) water water water! Hugs to you and I really pray your pain will only get better to manage!

    Best wishes!
    ~L

    • Oh, I eat loads of fibre anyway, I have IBS and trust me, it’s helps ;)

      I’ve bought loads of salad, vegetables and healthy snacks. I figure if I stuff myself with salad, I’ll lose weight but still be able to eat a lot if I need to. Taking it slowly, and all that. I don’t want to eat less because I know I’ll naturally want to restrict calories.

      Thank ~L, and hugs back.

  6. Have you ever heard of the famous marshmallow experiment? I’ll look it up and send it to you. The thrust is that the people who can resist the marshmallow do not look at it or think about it. They distract themselves from it. It’s pretty much the only way to get out from beneath the thumb of anything. Harder with food, I know. But getting super engaged in anything is easier than having to look at cheese and say no. Turning away from what we want is so hard. Forgetting what we want because we have found something else is a little easier.

  7. Yeah. Learning to live without having control of your own body movements sucks. I have fibro & drd. Steroids did nothing for me. I’m considering weed vs. having a pump put in my stomach that pumps a muscle relaxer directly to my bloodstream. 11 pills a day plus a shot of whiskey mixed in some tea is life. A month ago, I couldn’t even get outta this bed so I am making progress. My body hurts but not as bad. Um just so tired and drained. I hate winter.

  8. Hey there,

    I have no suggestions but I can relate, what a kick when your body fails you! I have big trouble with slopes/downstairs at the moments..it is like I forget how to do it..my legs just do not follow the thought process. I also have trouble with balance, people always think I am rude in crowds as I currently fall into people (I have solved that now, I never leave the house!) I am sorry it is difficult for you..I met a doctor recently who told me that they refer to fibro as ‘SLS’ standing for ‘shit life syndrome’ (this was my eating disorder psychologist) She said she had not yet met one person with diagnosed fibro who did not have a history of mental illness..I did point out to her that this may be as she worked in a mental health setting but she said it was always widely used among GPs..I don’t know if she was just trying to rile me but It is a connection I haven’t been able to overlook since, I do not know what your personal experiences with the medical professions have been but as someone with many diagnoses and with BPD I have found that many medical professional treat me as somewhat sub-human -I was wondering what your views on this were?

    Back to the balance issue – I have been intermittently relying on walking sticks and a wheelchair for about two years now and although I feel more ‘disabled’ I honestly wouldn’t be able to get out some days without the extra aid – do you use anything to help you?

    It is such a horrible feeling when you remember what you could do in the past and now cannot – I was a distance runner when I was younger and miss it keenly but it is now a feat to walk my dogs for ten minutes!

    I wish you luck with the diet but I hope it does not being encompassing – as others have said the key is a healthy attitude toward food and weight loss, if you need it, will follow. Size of clothing is a very screwed perception of a ‘good weight’ some people have frames where anything under than a 16 makes them look gaunt and ill – some people are naturally a tiny size 6 or 8. (I say this as someone who struggles with an eating disorder, I know the theory but cannot apply it emotionally!)
    I do really enjoy your posts, you are so honest and open.

    Take care, idrawlikenick (wow, long comment, I am sorry – I am a very wordy person!)

    • Yup, slopes and walking downstairs has become a huge problem, my legs go everywhere and I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to walk, and it gets embarassing when you’re flailing around like an idiot. I fall in to people as well, and somehow manage to walk straight into them. I’m sick of apologising.

      SLS is a brilliant way of describing it. I do think there’s a link between fibro and mental illness; I suppose it’s difficult not to get depressed and anxious with chronic pain, and ‘bad days’ really do screw up my mind. Mental illness causes physical pain too, so maybe that could be part of it.

      I used to walk four miles every day, and now going to the postbox around the corner is a mission. It’s a good job I wasn’t a runner, I couldn’t imagine losing something like that. It must be hard.

      Like you, I know the theory on body size, but can’t apply it to myself. It’s silly; I know the logic, but it’s like I forget when it comes to myself. I’m just going on the theory that I’ve always been comfortable at a size 10, and at no other size, so that’s the one I should aim for.

      And don’t worry about the long comment; I really appreciate it!

    • I don’t really know why I’m eating more. It doesn’t seem to have much to do with my moods; I think it’s more just habit than anything. I love food, really love it, and hate being without it. I have no doubt that I use it for comfort, but I think it just comes down to me being greedy.

      It’s funny how food and mood correlate. I don’t eat either if I’m feeling really bad. My appetite just disappears. When I’m happy, I eat constantly.

  9. My muscles are basically useless now. I try to squeeze shampoo out of a bottle and my hands shake, by the time my over is over, my legs are shaking….if I’m talking on the phone for more than a mere minute or 2 its like my muscles get froze in that position….I have had my legs give up on me and I have fallen down steps……I can’t stand long enough to cook nor the energy for it……when I can walk my legs and arms feel like Jello……as if I have ran 500 miles on a treadmill or something…..totally suck.

    • I really identify with the shampoo thing; if I nearly break my hand on one more bottle, I’m going to sceam. I swear they make them harder to squeeze than they used to, and my hands shake like crazy when I try. I’m thinking of getting a pump-bottle/jar, to make showers a bit easier. Might be worth you giving it a go as well. The phone is also a problem for me, I have to constantly move about or I end up stuck with my arm at a funny angle. I’ve found lying down with my head on the phone helps, but it’s hardly practical.

      It does suck. It really does.

  10. I struggle with the “eating healthy” part and just am reaching normal weight from skeleton. 5 Years ago I was twice the weight I am now.
    Yes PACK your fridge with fruit and veggies, I used to buy those pre made trays with dips(expensive) and bags of prepared veggies. I always take the easiest thing to eat sitting in the fridge.

    I asked for steroids for the fibro, the answer was no. Is that what the twitching is from fibro?
    How do you find the steroids? Do they help?

    • Well done for reaching a normal weight; it’s a huge achievement.

      I buy the easiest things too, although I’ve decided that convenience is probably one of the reasons why I eat so much. So I’m going to try buying as much from scratch and preparing meals. I used to, and I liked it, but our oven is rubbish and burning everything has put me off!

      I got steroids for something unrelated – eczema – and the pain relief is just a side-effect. They’re pretty potent and have a lot of side-effects, I wouldn’t want to be taking them long term (I’m on them for six weeks) because they do make you feel awful in other ways. I think the twitching is from fibro, but I’m not sure.

  11. For me, when my eating is out of control and I’m hating my body, a gentle yoga practice helps tremendously. None of that power yoga crap. That’s just so much more punishment. Rather, a slow, mindful practice helps me connect with myself, with my body. Compassion for myself seems to follow. I find I take better care of myself when I pamper myself with yoga, including eating healthfully and letting go of the purging when I eat something I wished I hadn’t. And like you said, keeping healthy food in the house helps, too.

  12. I’m so sorry that you’re having such difficulties with walking. Losing something that you once had is painful. These meds are killing my memory. I can’t even remember if I take my medicine anymore. Learning takes a lot longer, and I used to pick up things very quickly. It’s so frustrating and kind of defeating. It’s like losing something very precious and irreplaceable.

    I wish you the best of luck on your diet. Remember these things while you’re doing it. You didn’t gain all of the weight in a day, and you won’t lose it all in a day. It’s a process. A diet isn’t something that you do to lose weight, it’s a permanent lifestyle change. Whatever you’re eating now, make sure you can eat it for the rest of your life. Or something similar anyway. Drink lots of water. Water helps you feel full and also keeps your blood sugar in check. Eat only when you’re hungry. Keep the portions small, and take your time eating. Stop before you think that you’re full. Chances are, you are already full and your body hasn’t sent the signal to your brain yet. And most importantly, a slip up here and there does not mean you failed. It means that you slipped up, and you’re human. It doesn’t mean the whole thing needs to be scrapped. It means you have to get back up on the horse and try again!

    I hope I helped. Those are just a few things I found out along the way to weight loss myself.

    • Oh yes… forgetting if I’ve taken medication or not is a huge problem. Those little pill boxes with days on don’t help either, because I forget what day it is! Yes, it does feel defeating. Like something’s been taken away, something huge. You’ve described it perfectly.

      And thanks for the advice. I’m going to try and do it slowly; a pound or two a week. I’m not even really eating less right now, just healthier foods. I figure at some point I’ll start enjoying being healthy and naturally start eating less. I’m drinking a lot of water – dehydration is part of my problem too, I think – and it seems to be helping.

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