I like life.

A quiet day; sitting with a spliff and some diet Pepsi, watching House and chilling out. I got up at 7am, washed and dressed, and then did some housework – well, bedroom work – and cleaned the windows and changed my bedcovers. Took the rubbish out and cleaned the desk.

See, I went to bed around 9pm. Actually slept too; didn’t lie awake for hours getting distracted and smoking. Progress! Okay, it’s only one day, but I can hope.

It’s funny how sleeping habits can became just that – a habit – and you don’t realise for astonishing lengths of time just how stupid those habits are. Laying aroud in bed all day and night, getting to sleep around 6am and waking up in the evening… that’s not normal, or healthy. I can see that now.

I suppose I’d forgotten that I like life. It’s easy to forget.

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82 Comments

  1. I’m pleased to read of your continued optimistic outlook, and continued motivation. My friend isn’t doing so good just now. I’m definitely going to tell her about the comments to one of your previous blogs about calling fibro SLS, because she’ll appreciate the humour.

      • I’m not sure how long it is that my friend’s had her diagnosis – I think it’s a couple of years at least. From what she’s said, it’s something that she’s been dealing with for a while (along side all the usual crap that life throws at us). I really feel for her because she had a few good days and then it all went shitty again, and I’ve had a few crappy days recently and she’s been the person I’ve gone to for support – which makes me feel shittier because she’s already dealing with a shit load of shit of her own. So I’ve told her that when we next meet, we should concentrate on her instead of me for a change.

        Hmmn, can I say “shit” any more times in one paragraph? ;-)

        Your posts are always worth reading, and while I can be a bit of a comment-whore, I am to say something relevant and not just comment for the sake of it. And you truly are inspirational, the way you keep on going and the way that you’re so open and honest about how horrible things have been.

  2. Damn, hun! Gotta respond to this!

    Summed it up in a nutshell. The sleep thing is a BIGGIE. *Insufficient* and /or *excessive* sleep — guaranteed to send my life skidding into the baseboards. And it IS a habit, like so many other things. Of course, if you’re anything like me, you’re stuck somewhere between needing the novelty, freedom and liberty of “non-structure”, and needing the grounding of basic, day-to-day routines. I’m working on that balance. Since moving back to my apartment and getting over a ridonkulous PTSD-fueled depressive episode, I vowed to keep the simple sh*t on track. All those self-care things they tell you about. Sleep, for one. And brushing teeth, showering and changing my sox, and more importantly, making sure the cat’s water dish doesn’t go dry and that his litter is done (’cause I can fudge my own self-care, but I’ll be damned if Lionel is gonna have to pay for my angst!).

    Excelsior, darlin’!

    • “Of course, if you’re anything like me, you’re stuck somewhere between needing the novelty, freedom and liberty of “non-structure”, and needing the grounding of basic, day-to-day routines.”

      Yup, I’m exactly like that. I don’t take well to structure, yet I really do need it to even begin to function normally. It’s a frustrating situation. I’m trying to fight the urge to stay awake tonight, and it’s driving me crazy because I don’t want to go to bed. I’m just stubborn.

      I’m in the same place as you right now. Trying to keep the normal every day shit going. Washing, getting dressed, speaking to people, all that stuff. I can’t believe most people do this naturally every day.

      Lionel is an awesome name for a cat. Just awesome!

  3. Sleep. It’s the first thing we try and get babies to do, get on sleep schedule, develop a “sleep habit” . If you’re ever around new moms listen for a minute, they are obsessed with sleep, as they have for a time lost temporary control of it. Then there’s the eventual news…”The baby slept through the night!” Everyone in the room cheers, and the other moms are jealous as their baby has yet to cross this milestone.
    I’m cheering for you.

  4. You will be my inspiration to try to get something done. My life is the same. I’m jealous. I meant to get up and do some stuff but my body hurt and I still ain’t walking right. Need to go the market but um sooo tired. How is the weed helping you though? Ain’t nothing helping me. Please let me know. I am considering it. Message me with some info. Need help.

  5. Haven’t thought about anything or anyone but myself for 48 hours. During a brief window of reflection which appeared out of the blue, that seems not only massively destructive and sad – a tad bit manic, but downright mean-spirited. (Depression obviously doesn’t need to get mentioned, it’s the given.)

    What if, and I’m not suggesting that this is REALLY possible, we pass a “personal checklist” law, that you can only spend a certain number of hours (I’m sure most “sanies” would argue minutes, but screw those mentally healthy bastards) a day that we can think about ourselves; be it mental state, physical upkeep or personal well-being. Relationships and our reference to the outside world will NOT be included in the time allotted.

    Nah.

    By the way, I am stuck 12 feet below the ground in Wichita Substation 12, trying to sit out he worst hail storm I’ve ever seen.

    (the last part is a lie, just wanted to sound like I left my room…..)

    • Well, if it helps it was a cool lie.

      Sometimes I enjoy being introspective, sometimes I hate it. I suppose it depends on my mental state and general frame of mind. I know it can be hellish though, when you feel so far down in the pit and all you can think about is yourself and your situation. I feel for you, and I hope it lifts soon. It’ll end, you just need to stick it out. You’ve done well so far.

  6. It almost defies logic. When we feel “truly” low, and someone closest to us seeks to comfort and “hold’ us, we reject them so easily… Nay, will bite their hand off.

    Yet the soft purr of a complete stranger can instantly add days.

  7. Mmmmmm!!! Idk. Um kinda alone in my shit. My SO was with me from the beginning until now and even though we are in conflict, I respect that. I don’t want to be comforted or anything. I like my self-time which is growing smaller. I want to be understood. For I am. For what um dealing with. No one can give me that understanding and it angers me. My illnesses is like jokes to them which is why I choose to keep to myself.

  8. I agree, I’m glad you are doing well. So far I’m doing OK this year. I manage to get up most of the days at 5:30am and get a little workout in before I start my day. Note, I said most of the days. There are days I stay in bed till 9 or 10 am depending on the job schedule.

  9. “My illnesses is like jokes to them which is why I choose to keep to myself.”

    Bloohmoon… totally agree. I had family visit for brunch… and I LIED my way through acting normal …… i can NEVER let them see the real pain, or, well, we’ll leave it there.

    But I meant by posting here, and getting ONE KIND response, I’ll get through today, tomorrow and the next day.

    • I figure do whatever gets you through the day. Pain is different for each individual and I can’t tell mine betta or worse than yours. What I can do is help you in whatever way I can. In return, I expect the same. I don’t even go to events no more. Can’t fake it through this one. I hope you do feel betta cuz I won’t. And grats to the NY Giants.

  10. Wow, I’d like to move this personal convo somewhere else. But I guess that’s what “halfway” brought us all here.

    I get through the rare public event with plenty of notice and pharmaceutical help… but they’re becoming rarer and rarer and it’s getting noticed, becoming VERY obvious…. and I am (was I guess) a public figure.

    NYG all the way btw.

    I luckily (or rather had the strength and drugs available) and was able to fight my “dieseases” outwardly successfully for years. But it ripped my guts out. I have none left to give, don’t want to, and no one seems to want to just give me “peace.” I can’t fight like I did when I was 20 or 30 or even 40….. So I totally get your last post. I won’t/can’t fake it in public anymore, but when the family MUST DROP by…. i can put on my little monkey hat and dance… for 1 hour. UGH.

  11. Snippy!!!! I love it.

    Reminds me of the scene from Wes Anderson’s Rushmore… “Don’t get nasty Brah.”

    Never snippy, just was arrested once in Kansas, and hold the whole state in contempt. Would say utter contempt, but not sure how much more that adds.

  12. I have totally outlived my usefulness.

    Can no one see that?

    Or are they holding out hope against hope that “yesterday” involves itself in current matters.

    Let me go.

    I WAS happy once, you’re taking that memory by asking me to walk a straight line.

    C

  13. It is extraordinarily difficult to know that life can be enjoyable and even likable sometimes. Especially with all of the stuff that a person is hit with in a day. But, those relaxing days are refreshing reminders. I’m very happy that you made this discovery for yourself. Hold on to it dearly.

  14. olooo i love the title and the post is very nicely expressed, i can so relate to this coz i used to be laying awake tossing and turnihng in bed till morning n then actually try to sleep. and even though i thought this is a good routine, i cant help but notice the good out of a night’s sleep, its really amazing how such sleep habits/routines and change your entire well being.
    am glad you like life, coz i believe that every one should:)

  15. Absolutely love House. Brilliant show and always a good laugh. Very nice post, my dear. I have the same sleep schedule as well, unfortunately. Here’s to a better sleep cycle for the both of us.

    Sending love and strength, always.

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