I like life.

22 Jan

A quiet day; sitting with a spliff and some diet Pepsi, watching House and chilling out. I got up at 7am, washed and dressed, and then did some housework – well, bedroom work – and cleaned the windows and changed my bedcovers. Took the rubbish out and cleaned the desk.

See, I went to bed around 9pm. Actually slept too; didn’t lie awake for hours getting distracted and smoking. Progress! Okay, it’s only one day, but I can hope.

It’s funny how sleeping habits can became just that – a habit – and you don’t realise for astonishing lengths of time just how stupid those habits are. Laying aroud in bed all day and night, getting to sleep around 6am and waking up in the evening… that’s not normal, or healthy. I can see that now.

I suppose I’d forgotten that I like life. It’s easy to forget.

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Posted by on January 22, 2012 in Every day life


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82 responses to “I like life.

  1. ryoko861

    January 22, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    Love it!
    I wanna hug ya because you’re doing so good!

  2. faithhopechocolate

    January 22, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    I’m pleased to read of your continued optimistic outlook, and continued motivation. My friend isn’t doing so good just now. I’m definitely going to tell her about the comments to one of your previous blogs about calling fibro SLS, because she’ll appreciate the humour.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 22, 2012 at 9:55 pm

      I’m so sorry your friend isn’t doing well. I struggled a lot when I was first diagnosed; it’s hard to adjust. It’ll get easier for her, I promise.

      As well as SLS, I call a brain fog/memory a ‘fibro fuckup’. It makes it easier to bear when you swear at it.

      Thanks for looking in so regularly, I really do appreciate it :)

      • faithhopechocolate

        January 23, 2012 at 7:06 pm

        I’m not sure how long it is that my friend’s had her diagnosis – I think it’s a couple of years at least. From what she’s said, it’s something that she’s been dealing with for a while (along side all the usual crap that life throws at us). I really feel for her because she had a few good days and then it all went shitty again, and I’ve had a few crappy days recently and she’s been the person I’ve gone to for support – which makes me feel shittier because she’s already dealing with a shit load of shit of her own. So I’ve told her that when we next meet, we should concentrate on her instead of me for a change.

        Hmmn, can I say “shit” any more times in one paragraph? ;-)

        Your posts are always worth reading, and while I can be a bit of a comment-whore, I am to say something relevant and not just comment for the sake of it. And you truly are inspirational, the way you keep on going and the way that you’re so open and honest about how horrible things have been.

  3. Lexi

    January 22, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Love the attitude! Happy you’re having such a good day. Much love my dear. (:

  4. alexae67

    January 22, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    Yes, yes, yes!! I’m going through a similar upturn, and it’s a wonderful feeling. Progress, not perfection!

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 22, 2012 at 9:56 pm

      Aw, I’m pleased you’re feeling positive too. It’s such a good feelig. Progress, not perfection – indeed! x

  5. judithatwood

    January 22, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    I feel so happy to hear you say you love life. Yes, it can be very difficult, especially in the beginning. I can tell you this — I love your life, so I’m really glad that you are feeling that way too!

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 22, 2012 at 9:57 pm

      It is difficult… it’s weird to think that being happy could ever be difficult.

      Thanks Judith, you’re a star.

  6. theartistryofthebipolarbrain

    January 22, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    It is nice to see someone that is beginning to cope better with life. I am having a very hard time being positive right now, but it is nice.

    I want to get back to when I liked life.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 22, 2012 at 9:58 pm

      As I said in another comment, it’s not easy liking life. Sometimes it’s downright impossible. It’s easy to sink and stay in the black hole and forget everything which ever came before, every good moment. I know how hard it is.

      I truly hope you get there; you deserve to.

  7. Richard-Yves Sitoski

    January 22, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    Damn, hun! Gotta respond to this!

    Summed it up in a nutshell. The sleep thing is a BIGGIE. *Insufficient* and /or *excessive* sleep — guaranteed to send my life skidding into the baseboards. And it IS a habit, like so many other things. Of course, if you’re anything like me, you’re stuck somewhere between needing the novelty, freedom and liberty of “non-structure”, and needing the grounding of basic, day-to-day routines. I’m working on that balance. Since moving back to my apartment and getting over a ridonkulous PTSD-fueled depressive episode, I vowed to keep the simple sh*t on track. All those self-care things they tell you about. Sleep, for one. And brushing teeth, showering and changing my sox, and more importantly, making sure the cat’s water dish doesn’t go dry and that his litter is done (’cause I can fudge my own self-care, but I’ll be damned if Lionel is gonna have to pay for my angst!).

    Excelsior, darlin’!

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 22, 2012 at 10:03 pm

      “Of course, if you’re anything like me, you’re stuck somewhere between needing the novelty, freedom and liberty of “non-structure”, and needing the grounding of basic, day-to-day routines.”

      Yup, I’m exactly like that. I don’t take well to structure, yet I really do need it to even begin to function normally. It’s a frustrating situation. I’m trying to fight the urge to stay awake tonight, and it’s driving me crazy because I don’t want to go to bed. I’m just stubborn.

      I’m in the same place as you right now. Trying to keep the normal every day shit going. Washing, getting dressed, speaking to people, all that stuff. I can’t believe most people do this naturally every day.

      Lionel is an awesome name for a cat. Just awesome!

  8. patricemj

    January 22, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    Sleep. It’s the first thing we try and get babies to do, get on sleep schedule, develop a “sleep habit” . If you’re ever around new moms listen for a minute, they are obsessed with sleep, as they have for a time lost temporary control of it. Then there’s the eventual news…”The baby slept through the night!” Everyone in the room cheers, and the other moms are jealous as their baby has yet to cross this milestone.
    I’m cheering for you.

  9. What I talk about when I talk about ... LOVE

    January 22, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    You are doing great hun! I so feel you – if i just go to bed late one night…it takes me whole week to adjust back…keep it up….I love House by the way. xxx

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 22, 2012 at 9:53 pm

      House is fantastic! I’m a bit in love with Hugh Laurie. I’m a sucker for medical dramas.

      Thanks luv, I appreciate the motivation :) x

  10. Emilino Emloile

    January 22, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    It’s too easy to see all the bad parts of life. Keep remembering the good things — the enjoyable parts of life. :)

  11. swabby429

    January 22, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    It seems old fashioned, but, yes, a regular bedtime is healthy and keeps you happy.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 22, 2012 at 9:51 pm

      It’s true. It’s almost uncool to accept it though; which is silly. I know I feel much better after keeping a regular bedtime. It just doesn’t happen anywhere near often enough.

  12. raburcke

    January 22, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Keep it up, Kiddo!

  13. hawkdad73

    January 22, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    Uplifting. Makes me realize the habits I have fallen into.

  14. bloohmoon

    January 22, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    You will be my inspiration to try to get something done. My life is the same. I’m jealous. I meant to get up and do some stuff but my body hurt and I still ain’t walking right. Need to go the market but um sooo tired. How is the weed helping you though? Ain’t nothing helping me. Please let me know. I am considering it. Message me with some info. Need help.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 22, 2012 at 10:16 pm

      It depends what you smoke. Rocky/resin does nothing for pain. It has to be green. I found it took a while of smoking every day to get a real pain-relief effect, so give it a chance if you think it might work for you.

      • bloohmoon

        January 22, 2012 at 11:06 pm

        Not to be topersonal, but do you grow or use dispensary? Meaning is it medical?

        • halfwaybetweenthegutter

          January 23, 2012 at 2:37 am

          Oh, I buy it. You can’t really get medical stuff in England. It’s not cheap.

  15. MayDay

    January 23, 2012 at 1:38 am

    Just having a set healthy routine can help you so much! Good for you.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 23, 2012 at 2:26 am

      It can; I’m annoyed with myself for not accepting it for so long. Thanks for reading, MayDay!

  16. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 2:15 am

    Haven’t thought about anything or anyone but myself for 48 hours. During a brief window of reflection which appeared out of the blue, that seems not only massively destructive and sad – a tad bit manic, but downright mean-spirited. (Depression obviously doesn’t need to get mentioned, it’s the given.)

    What if, and I’m not suggesting that this is REALLY possible, we pass a “personal checklist” law, that you can only spend a certain number of hours (I’m sure most “sanies” would argue minutes, but screw those mentally healthy bastards) a day that we can think about ourselves; be it mental state, physical upkeep or personal well-being. Relationships and our reference to the outside world will NOT be included in the time allotted.


    By the way, I am stuck 12 feet below the ground in Wichita Substation 12, trying to sit out he worst hail storm I’ve ever seen.

    (the last part is a lie, just wanted to sound like I left my room…..)

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 23, 2012 at 2:25 am

      Well, if it helps it was a cool lie.

      Sometimes I enjoy being introspective, sometimes I hate it. I suppose it depends on my mental state and general frame of mind. I know it can be hellish though, when you feel so far down in the pit and all you can think about is yourself and your situation. I feel for you, and I hope it lifts soon. It’ll end, you just need to stick it out. You’ve done well so far.

  17. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 2:55 am

    It almost defies logic. When we feel “truly” low, and someone closest to us seeks to comfort and “hold’ us, we reject them so easily… Nay, will bite their hand off.

    Yet the soft purr of a complete stranger can instantly add days.

  18. bloohmoon

    January 23, 2012 at 3:13 am

    Mmmmmm!!! Idk. Um kinda alone in my shit. My SO was with me from the beginning until now and even though we are in conflict, I respect that. I don’t want to be comforted or anything. I like my self-time which is growing smaller. I want to be understood. For I am. For what um dealing with. No one can give me that understanding and it angers me. My illnesses is like jokes to them which is why I choose to keep to myself.

  19. depressionavoyage

    January 23, 2012 at 3:16 am

    I agree, I’m glad you are doing well. So far I’m doing OK this year. I manage to get up most of the days at 5:30am and get a little workout in before I start my day. Note, I said most of the days. There are days I stay in bed till 9 or 10 am depending on the job schedule.

  20. bloohmoon

    January 23, 2012 at 3:24 am

    Um up about 7am but it feel like I need to back to bed which why I never get anything done. Too many pills I guess. I miss the days when the meds were working and I felt like a normal person.

  21. bloohmoon

    January 23, 2012 at 3:29 am

    Damn u tablet. Sry. Android update ain’t going good. Too many typos. Need to go back to bed which is why I can’t get nuthin’ done.

  22. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 3:29 am

    “My illnesses is like jokes to them which is why I choose to keep to myself.”

    Bloohmoon… totally agree. I had family visit for brunch… and I LIED my way through acting normal …… i can NEVER let them see the real pain, or, well, we’ll leave it there.

    But I meant by posting here, and getting ONE KIND response, I’ll get through today, tomorrow and the next day.

    • bloohmoon

      January 23, 2012 at 3:39 am

      I figure do whatever gets you through the day. Pain is different for each individual and I can’t tell mine betta or worse than yours. What I can do is help you in whatever way I can. In return, I expect the same. I don’t even go to events no more. Can’t fake it through this one. I hope you do feel betta cuz I won’t. And grats to the NY Giants.

    • bloohmoon

      January 23, 2012 at 3:57 am

      I try to act like I ain’t home. Sometimes I can’t get out the bed anyway, so if the doorbell ring, they betta hope he answers it. My family doesn’t know where I live. His ppl live on the other side of town. The hate driving here. They’re upset because they haven’t saw the baby, but she isn’t well either.

  23. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 3:48 am

    Wow, I’d like to move this personal convo somewhere else. But I guess that’s what “halfway” brought us all here.

    I get through the rare public event with plenty of notice and pharmaceutical help… but they’re becoming rarer and rarer and it’s getting noticed, becoming VERY obvious…. and I am (was I guess) a public figure.

    NYG all the way btw.

    I luckily (or rather had the strength and drugs available) and was able to fight my “dieseases” outwardly successfully for years. But it ripped my guts out. I have none left to give, don’t want to, and no one seems to want to just give me “peace.” I can’t fight like I did when I was 20 or 30 or even 40….. So I totally get your last post. I won’t/can’t fake it in public anymore, but when the family MUST DROP by…. i can put on my little monkey hat and dance… for 1 hour. UGH.

  24. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 3:51 am

    I wrote a quick story for our hostess… I hope she does not find it “Mitteny.”

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 23, 2012 at 4:44 am

      I love this; even if it does feel a little mitteny ;) Thank you! May I ask what inspired you?

      • snacksandwrites

        January 23, 2012 at 4:49 am

        I read your “about me” and went from there.

        That’s where the “kumquat” story comes from.

        • halfwaybetweenthegutter

          January 23, 2012 at 4:51 am

          I gathered that much; I just wondered why me? :D I suspect nobody’s ever written a story inspired by me before. It’s quite nice.

          • snacksandwrites

            January 23, 2012 at 4:55 am

            I really needed someone to respond to me a few (MANY NOW) hours ago….. your hand touched me. It was a simple touch, but it sparked a WHOLE NIGHT of writing and renewed sense, not so much of worth, but of possible purpose.

            Thank you.

            And I feel a kinship with most of your followers… and maybe I’m ‘USUALLY’ in a better place to help – and that i will do!

            Mazel Tov Halfway.

            • bloohmoon

              January 23, 2012 at 5:02 am

              Halfway does have some really great followers.

              • halfwaybetweenthegutter

                January 23, 2012 at 5:05 am

                Heck, it’s the followers who make this blog.

                • snacksandwrites

                  January 23, 2012 at 5:08 am

                  Except for that Venustian, Ruby O’keefe? She really is ruining this for all of us. The way she describes the “open love” on Venus, and how we should just all rocket ship ourselves up into space and hope we hit her planet? Odds? Not good. And the cost? Well I’m no scientist, but I’m guessing… A LOT.

                  No Thank you.

                  • bloohmoon

                    January 23, 2012 at 5:17 am

                    Hell. Least we get to come here and kick back. Have a laugh or a tear or two. It’s my favorite blog and I follow quite a few. I was surprised halfway was following my little blog.

                    • snacksandwrites

                      January 23, 2012 at 5:21 am

                      Oops… did I just accidentally reveal “halfway’s” secret identity? Sorry HBTGATS, but now everyone know’s your actually Ruby O’Keefe, Venustian soul stealer.

                      Damn me. Secret divulger, Tall Tale Teller, and general minx.

                      Apologies. But I will make good.

                • bloohmoon

                  January 23, 2012 at 5:11 am

                  True. But that’s the beauty in it. A place where people feel at home. I hope my blog reaches this level one day. It’s growing faster than I thought it would.

          • bloohmoon

            January 23, 2012 at 4:55 am


  25. everydayclimb

    January 23, 2012 at 4:08 am

    Luvin’ your posts here in Texas ~

  26. bloohmoon

    January 23, 2012 at 4:16 am

    What the weather like in Texas. It’s 25 degrees here in Mich. Snacks is from Wichita and I know it’s gotta be like Alaska their. My cousins live there.

  27. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 4:20 am

    Snacks is not from Witicha… was using “Wichita Lineman” as a guide… I’m in Denver, 1 state away.

    And it was warm as hell today… but got chilly TERNIGHT

    • bloohmoon

      January 23, 2012 at 4:24 am

      Don’t be getting snippy. I thought u went to bed. Lol. Just checkin’. I play a lot. I am a Virgo. Dry.

  28. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 4:22 am

    Good song for the moment:

    • bloohmoon

      January 23, 2012 at 4:25 am

      Is it new?

    • bloohmoon

      January 23, 2012 at 4:36 am

      Oh. Then I should be able to find it. It’ll be a little hard cuz I’ve never heard of it and I have most of her good songs.

      • snacksandwrites

        January 23, 2012 at 4:41 am

        If we’re all friends here… no need to find it… just join soulseek and the pm me…. anything you need. And I mean it, ‘m not on that much anymore, but my collection is more rabid than a foaming raccoon. On soulseek I’m snacksalot. Just let me know the music you need.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 23, 2012 at 4:42 am

      Fiona is an amazing woman <3

  29. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 4:28 am

    Snippy!!!! I love it.

    Reminds me of the scene from Wes Anderson’s Rushmore… “Don’t get nasty Brah.”

    Never snippy, just was arrested once in Kansas, and hold the whole state in contempt. Would say utter contempt, but not sure how much more that adds.

    • bloohmoon

      January 23, 2012 at 4:32 am

      U a cool dude. You still ain’t told me if it’s new Fiona or old? Must know. Um a fan.

  30. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 4:29 am

    No, the Fionna song is from a Cy Coleman retrospective… gotta be 5 years old (?) now. Great new renditions of old Broadway classics…. really work.

  31. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 4:36 am

    and they “musical monkey” throws me to The Partridge Family, “I’ll Meet you Halfway…” wow, what a world.

  32. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 4:38 am

    And here it is… The Partridge Famliy’s, “I’ll Meet You Halfway.”

  33. bloohmoon

    January 23, 2012 at 4:41 am

    I walk a little faster should be my theme song. Like when I walk in the room, it should just play by itself. Lol

  34. bloohmoon

    January 23, 2012 at 4:46 am

    Hey halfway. How u feeling?

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      January 23, 2012 at 4:50 am

      Not too bad, cheers. Decided to stay up all night so I don’t mess my new sleeping pattern up with the nap I had earlier. Debating whether to go for a coffee.

      • bloohmoon

        January 23, 2012 at 4:54 am

        Oh yeah. I forgot how far away you r. Least u tryna a stick to it. Almost bedtime for me after the tea. I sure enjoy your blog. Glad u okay.

  35. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 5:24 am

    Here’s an absolutely artist whom no one knows… you’ll love this, and it speaks to me ALWAYS.

  36. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 5:26 am

    I feel dumb, my mind works faster than these teeny digits “God” gave me. Absolutely AMAZING artist. The first lines describe most mornings…

  37. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 5:30 am

    “is it time I lost it all.”


  38. snacksandwrites

    January 23, 2012 at 6:01 am

    I have totally outlived my usefulness.

    Can no one see that?

    Or are they holding out hope against hope that “yesterday” involves itself in current matters.

    Let me go.

    I WAS happy once, you’re taking that memory by asking me to walk a straight line.


  39. LunaSunshine

    January 23, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    It is extraordinarily difficult to know that life can be enjoyable and even likable sometimes. Especially with all of the stuff that a person is hit with in a day. But, those relaxing days are refreshing reminders. I’m very happy that you made this discovery for yourself. Hold on to it dearly.

  40. Tya Khan

    January 24, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    olooo i love the title and the post is very nicely expressed, i can so relate to this coz i used to be laying awake tossing and turnihng in bed till morning n then actually try to sleep. and even though i thought this is a good routine, i cant help but notice the good out of a night’s sleep, its really amazing how such sleep habits/routines and change your entire well being.
    am glad you like life, coz i believe that every one should:)

  41. thenameiskate8

    February 5, 2012 at 7:10 am

    Absolutely love House. Brilliant show and always a good laugh. Very nice post, my dear. I have the same sleep schedule as well, unfortunately. Here’s to a better sleep cycle for the both of us.

    Sending love and strength, always.


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