After the storm

hind·sight

   [hahynd-sahyt]

noun

recognition of the realities, possibilities, or requirements of a situation, event, decision etc., after its occurrence.
A life-lesson I could have done with learning years ago is that there is no such thing as Superwoman. At least, not in the everyday hero sense. Even if I wore hotpants and a conical bra, I’d still be pretty damn ordinary, and trying to be somebody I’m not has been the downfall to my many attempts at recovery. I know that now.
I’m not proud of my actions last night. Knowing that so many people saw me fall (albeit online) has been a massive reality check. Because I promised myself when I started this blog that every mistake, every slip, every attempt at destroying myself… had to be published. As uncomfortable as it may feel, I can’t hide my emotions and actions away just because I don’t want to be judged.
Sleeping was nigh-on impossible after purging. I confessed to Z, after she became worried about me after a status I left on Facebook. I don’t usually get too personal when it comes to social networking, but I was struggling and needed some sort of outlet other than hurting myself in some way. She said she loved me, and that I could stay at hers if I needed to. I thought she’d be angry with me; that’s how people have always reacted to purging in the past. I’ve come to associate admitting weakness with being shouted at, so to have somebody answer me gently and with compassion… it meant a lot, along with the comments I received on here. I’m fairly sure that they stopped me going further. At one point I was considering breaking apart a razor and continuing the cycle of self-destruction, but after reading the comments and support, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t just be letting myself down, but everyone around me, and that’s sometimes easier to focus on.
After lying awake in the dark for a few hours, tossing and turning and getting more frustrated than ever, I decided to take two 500mg Naproxen tablets. I reasoned that they’re not codeine, and not addictive in the opiate sense, so I haven’t failed in my attempt to give up the opiates. I took a Lanzoprazole alongside, and even though the last lot of Naproxen gave me a stomach ulcer, even a larger than normal dose seemed to sit happily in my stomach for once. I was aching and sore from the stress of throwing up, and I knew that without sleep I’d only sink even further into the massive hole I’d dug for myself. Eventually, nature took over and I fell into a restless sleep filled with bizarre dreams about O and his girlfriend, and about the people I went to school with. They’re pretty common dreams for me to have, but the painkillers must have amplified something because I could remember every detail when I woke up.
Woke to a text off S. I haven’t told him about the purge, and I’m still debating whether it’d be the right thing to do. On one hand, I don’t like keeping things from him. On the other, if it’s just a one-off, a small slip in recovery, is it really a good idea to stress him? S understands better than anyone how I feel sometimes, but I know if he told me he’d made himself sick, I’d be heartbroken. I’m not sure it’s fair to do that to him if it’s just a one-time thing.
Today, I made an effort to give myself a challenge; something to distract myself. I decided to knit a scarf in a day, using four skeins of wool and huge needles. A couple of hours later, here’s the result:
I don’t need another scarf; I’ve knitted loads. Still, it gave me something to do. A purpose.
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27 Comments

  1. Love the scarf. Are you on Ravelry? – http://www.ravelry.com – if you are, my username on there is Louenn. There are many pretty patterns and quite a lot of them are free.

    Knitting is definitely soothing to the soul. In the USA there’s a whole ministry of women knitting prayer shawls and I’m willing to bet that the women who knit the shawls get as much out of it as the people who receive the gift of the shawl.

    I think one thing that last night proves is that no-one was – or is – judging you.

  2. Wow – you beat yourself up pretty bad – for making one little mistake. Is there a person on this earth that doesn’t do something bad to themselves – and others (especially others)….
    Focusing on one’s strengths eliminates the need to focus on the weaknesses. You seem to have a lot of very valuable strengths. A slip is a drop of blood in a pool of water.

  3. I love your scarf.

    If you’ve got too many of them, why not sell them?

    And, like PC above says, why beat yourself up over one mistake? Face it, you’re not perfect and haven’t a hope in hell of becoming so. You did it, you wish you hadn’t, move on.

    You are amazing.

    Cat

  4. You didn’t slip, love. You just stumbled. We all do and we wouldn’t be the person we are today, we wouldn’t of gotten this far without a little stumbling. The non-drunk kind, that is. ;) Smile, gorgeous.

    And remember: “I may not be there yet, but I’m closer than I was yesterday.”-Unknown

    Sending all my love-

    Kate

  5. Hi — your scarf is lovely! If you can’t use it, is there a clothing or food bank, or a church that might find a home for it. I still have not managed anything other than straight lines, but my scarves are getting more complicated and much more well-knit. I belong to a knitting group that donates scarves and hats and mittens to the local food bank, where we keep a box that anyone can go through. Maybe that would help you feel like you’ve accomplished something really special — although knitting a scarf a day is pretty exceptional all by itself. Hang in there,sweetie. You really are doing very well!

  6. The scarf is pretty, I wish I could knit! And it’s great that you’re able to make that your focus and stick with it, see, you’re stronger than you think. You’re only human girl, and I know it sucks to feel you’ve let yourself or anyone else down, but it’s OK and even neccessary to our very existance in my opinion. Judithatwood has a great idea with the donating thing, espcially if you’ve loads of them … maybe parting with a few would be a good thing. :) I hope you’re doing ok this evening, I’ve missed this place. xxx

  7. Big, big applause and hugs for getting back up after slipping the other night. You’re very strong and wonderful and awesome and brave, even if you may not feel like it sometimes. You’ve got support in your friends – in Z and S – and you have a shit ton of support online, too. Take advantage of that! Don’t ever feel like you’re going to upset or burden somebody, because they care about you and would be MORE upset if you didn’t reach out to them.

    Best of luck to you, and congrats again on weathering through this storm.
    xxox

    PS Knitting is a great idea! Keep your hands busy and let your mind wonder to good places.

  8. Love the scarf.. and it’s so great you’re really making an active effort to keep busy. I know the only thing that saved me from depression was filling every waking moment with an activity to distract myself until the feeling passed

  9. Your honesty is important, as is your decision to honour your commitment to it (even when it would be easier to sweep it under the carpet so that we never know) – not to “us” of course…but to yourself. Hiding it can sometimes make the shame feel worse than the guilt of feeling like you’ve let yourself and/or others down…but you haven’t let anyone down…not really. And you haven’t “slipped”…you’re not sliding. You’re still here and still fighting. It might feel like a set back but all it is was a reminder of how you never ever want to go back there. The scarf is gorgeous too; distraction is very useful! Thinking of you. xo.

  10. Bless your heart… I think being accountable…even to your blogging buddies…can be a good thing. You seem to be very determined to not hide your behavior and actions…so, good for you. Why don’t you start some knitting classes? Or, sell some of your knitting on Etsy.com…make some money…your self-worth will go sky-high and you’ll have something all yours to feel great about!

    I’m rooting for you! xoxo

  11. I often don’t know what to say. It feels wrong to me to “like” when you struggle. The demons try to take us down. They have; they do, but not all the way. Not yet. Hopefully not ever. It’s awful good to win a battle. Awful good. But good nonetheless. Stay strong :)

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