14st, 2lbs

Yesterday, I had my first physio appointment for my ankle and foot, which went well (achilles tendonitis confirmed) until I decided to weigh myself on the machine near the front door of the hospital. I have no idea what inspired me because I knew I would never be happy with the results. However, I didn’t think I could possibly have let my weight creep up to over fourteen stones. I can’t ask myself how it happened, because I know; late-night binges, endless comforting takeaways and being almost bedbound for months on end has led to this point. I have nobody to blame but myself, and although I haven’t allowed myself to cry over it, I want to. I really want to.

A while ago, somebody made a comment on Nicole’s blog (which linked back to a post I’d made about purging) saying that they didn’t think I was in any way recovered from eating disorders because I still wanted to lose weight. I tried not to, but I took it personally; who wouldn’t want to lose weight if they were classified as clinically obese? It’s not good for my health, it’s not good for my emotions, and it’s certainly not good for my past history of both anorexia and bulimia. I think in a strange way it’s assumed that once you’re over anorexia, you’ll always be a healthy weight. It’s just not true.

It really didn’t help when I came home after meeting a friend in the pub and my mother told me that yes, I was bigger than I used to be. She felt the need to point out that my arms and thighs were “big and solid”. She tried to deflect it by saying it was the steroids, but really… why does she say these things? How can she ever think that mentioning my weight in a negative way could help me?

I decided last night that now is the point where I have to take control, or I’ll be in the skinny/fat/binge/purge/starve/diet cycle forever. That’s no way to live. I’m going to set up a healthy eating plan; 1,500 calories a day. No more, and certainly not less. I don’t want to make a mess of it this time. I don’t want to fuck myself up yet again.

I decided to make pasta for lunch today, with mushroom and tomato sauce. I took the packet out of the cupboard and straight away my mother sighed and glared at the saucepans on top of the oven, as though I was ruining her day by wanting to cook. I put the pack back in the cupboard, made a cup of coffee and came back upstairs. On the way up, she shouted, “what are you going to eat today?” as if it’s any of her business. My mind told me to retort with “nothing”.

I just wish she’d go one day without questioning me about food. Just one day.

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30 Comments

  1. Have you told you mother of your plans to eat a more healthy diet? She may be more supportive than you think if she feels you have made a sound decision. Also she may not realise how her comments come across to you … something she asks in all innocence is perceived in a totally different way. I know it’s not always easy to speak to one’s mother but do try & keep trying as it will be worth it in the end :)

    Love and best wishes … Psaryce x

    • Thanks Psaryce. I have told her (as I’ve told her every time in the past) and while I know that she still worries that I’ll head back into anorexia, she doesn’t seem able to keep the comments at bay. I truly believe she has food issues herself which she refuses to accept (she’s tiny, a size 6uk) and often goes days withot eating. When she does it, it’s usually chocolate or something simple. I don’t think she believes I’m capable of making sound decisions; she’s said as much herself in the past. I don’t know… I just wish she’d see that I don’t like losing control of my life and try hard to solve problems.

  2. I’m 30, haven’t lived with my family for 11 years, and the food police still exists in the fullest force imaginable. I’ll always care what they think, but I try hard to not let it affect me. Atlas Shrugged was a big help with influencing this style of thinking. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time recently, but I’m super excited for your new plan; and I hope it makes you very happy. Thinking of you. xxx

  3. Isn’t it crap that we as women, are so worried and focused on our sizes all the time – and to the point where some of us, let it define who we are somehow. By the same token, I can relate to what you’re going through with your mother, mine has a weight problem just like I have off/on and yet she’s always saying things like “why are you eating that” or “your legs are some big, is it because they were toned AT ONE TIME?” … just recently she looked me in the face and told me I was losing my looks. Holy eff.

    You’re pretty amazing as is you know, and I wish you the best of luck in your eating well endeavour, just know that becoming healthy is where it’s at, any weight loss is only a bonus, so try and not make that your focus … I’ve just discovered http://www.sparkpeople.com as of recently too, I love it and it’s a wealth of information and useful tools.

    Good luck hun xxx

  4. Weight is a never ending obsession for most women. We must realize that men truly like women to have a little meat on them….despite what Hollywood and the media say.
    Women were naturally created to be rounder in order to bear children. Men were naturally created to be attracted to baby bearing hips, thighs and breasts.
    DON’T GIVE INTO THE HYPE!!!!
    I only say this so strongly because I know exactly how you feel.

  5. I wish your mom was more supportive. Nothing like having a negative Nelly hanging around. Instead of harping on you, why doesn’t she help you come up with a healthy diet. Maybe start shopping for low fat, all natural foods, help you gauge food proportions, hell, maybe go for a walk with you. Wouldn’t hurt for her to make some changes too, ya know?

  6. That is very weird, for someone to say you aren’t over your eating disorder just because you want to lose weight! If that were the case, nearly everyone these days would be classified as having an eating disorder. I really believe you can reach your goals though, you’re a really strong person after being what you’ve gone through. You seem very self-aware, and that’s an awesome start. I wish you the best of luck!

  7. Sometimes you have to just block out negativity no matter who or where it is coming from. I am sure your mother isn’t trying to hurt you. She just doesn’t know how to respond. You need to block that out. You have set a goal for you which I think is realist and great. Focus on you so you can get better. You got half of WordPress backing you and supporting you. You can do this. Keep reading what we saying. Use that as strength. Your mother cannot over power us. Stay strong.

  8. I am glad you got the ankle thing figured out. Hope its starting to feel a bit better.

    Yea, i hate to say it but for some reason my mom is the same way about certain things. She acts like its a crime then tells you something that sounds like its the opposite of what she just did. I think your gonna do great on a 1500 calorie diet. That sounds like a good plan to stick to if you feel comfortable with it. Don’t let mom mess with your head, i know shes gonna be upsetting but thats what moms do aparently. That doesn’t mean what she did was right though.

    Take care and hope all goes well for you good lady

  9. A very long time ago, this was me:

    http://spillinginkinpublic.blogspot.com/2007/10/its-not-about-being-thin.html

    I got better. I never got obese later, but there were a few times later on when I had to cut back just a bit to make sure I stayed at a healthy weight when a few too many pounds than what were healthy were slowly sneaking onboard. Back then I maintained healthy weight by deciding not to eat a second helping of dinner and to not have much in the way of desserts in the evening (I drank carbonated mineral water in the evening instead because the gasses in the stuff made me feel full like I had been after dinner). Today, the focus is a bit different and I have NEVER been healthier. Today, I concentrate on feeding myself the very best nutrition that I can. I tell myself with every bite of every good meal, that I DESERVE healthy food. So do you. Today I rarely eat any desserts, candies or takeaways. I desire different things now because things slowly changed. If I were your mother, I would have been happy to see you cook something nice for yourself. I would have asked if you would mind company at the table and if you would like to also have some nice fresh fruit with your meal too, which I would have washed and cut for us to share. I would have felt blessed while we ate together. That is what you deserve to have. I like your plan. Getting a healthy weight is a good goal just to stay healthy. Progress can be slow, but you are a wonderful person even if you weigh more than is healthy for you at this time. You can work on it, but you are still wonderful and worthy RIGHT NOW. Don’t let anyone convince of anything different. Nearly EVERYONE has some kind of circumstance they might work on for better health, but people are more than their end goals. They are valuable works in progress.

    p.s. I’ve been reading here for a while, but I don’t comment anywhere very much. Even so, every time I read your posts I thought to myself, “She is much closer to the stars than to the gutter. She is beautiful.” And then this song would start playing in my head (because I understand) —

  10. Hello,
    Thanks for visiting my blog. This space you have here is really powerful. Congratulations on your bravery for telling us all the demons and angels in your life. Sounds like your mom and mine should get together and be negative. :)
    Hang in there. I will be supporting you thru and thru!!
    Blessings,
    Melissa

  11. Tough situation. Making choices to take care of yourself and be healthy is important. I’d encourage you to keep focused on that goal, and when someone asks you what you are doing, that is your reply “being healthy, thanks for asking.” That implies that you are infact, making healthy choices. Don’t let her behavior influence yours. Keep your eye on being healthy. Good luck!

  12. Just remember that you didn’t put it all on in one day. It’s not going to come off in one day either. Best wisdom I ever received from a doctor. Seriously, though, I’m going through the same problem. I stepped on the scale the other day and was appalled. My clothes still fit though. I guess that’s why I’ve been upset about the way I look. I noticed it before my clothes could tell me.

    Anyway, have you considered seeing a nutritionist or a dietician? They may help you get an eating and exercise plan to get you back on track the healthy way.

    • I’ve seen a dietician in the past, and I have to admit that the experience put me off forever. She was quite condescending, and dismissed the fears I had about slipping back into the old anorexic/bulimic ways, simply advising me to eat fruit instead of chocolate. Well, duh! I honestly don’t know if there are any nutritionists trained in this area available through the NHS, and I suppose I’m wary of asking because my last experience set me back a lot.

  13. Pingback: What nobody ever tells you – dieting and eating disorders « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

  14. Pingback: In which I attempt not purging, and why binge-eating is my most shameful secret « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

  15. Unfortunately I’m living at home right now too, and it is so hard to do what I need to do when there is always someone looking over my shoulder. Just because I’m at a healthy weight doesn’t mean that I suddenly don’t have an eating disorder any more. I do give my mom some credit, she has been doing A LOT better with that than usual. But still, when she asks in the morning “don’t you want a muffin?” I am ready to scream “No!! I don’t want your stupid muffin!” and prepare for the oncoming WWIII. Oh well… Also, thanks for visiting my blog! I’m glad you found my post interesting

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