If you could see me now

20 Mar

Tonight I considered
it might all fall apart.

Something so fragile,
weaker than I’d forced myself to believe.

Blankets wet with nineteen days of tears,
mind racing with self-constructed fears,
the smell of ash
and taste of sleeping pills
… anything but the old ways to get me through.

And I wonder if you realise
how hard this was for me tonight?

How I buried myself under chemical calm
so I wouldn’t let the beast take over,
the monster I’d created.

Pushing at me,
pulling me,
willing me,
but I won’t do it.

Tonight, I saw how weak I still am
and a strength I didn’t know I had.

Skin untouched,
tears wiped away,
the empty corner.

I won’t stand vigil tonight.

And perhaps, maybe I won’t sleep,
perhaps I’ll let the tears fall,
but I won’t turn back.

Stars in the sky go unwatched as I lie here,
but refusing to give in.

And I wish you could see me,
I wish you could know how hard this was for me.

Tonight, I considered I took on too much,
I tried too hard and it’s so easy to lose,
this went further than any game
and I realise now I’m the only one playing.

I prayed tonight,
I asked for strength,
I wrote words which made no sense,
I ignored the voice,
I denied the urge,
I wish you saw,
I wish you heard.

I don’t know what you think of me,
and I’m scared to speak these words out loud.

Tonight, I saw how I’m still the enemy,
but I didn’t give in.

Tonight, I considered that if the world could see,
next time might be easier.

(c) 2008.


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Posted by on March 20, 2012 in Poetry


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52 responses to “If you could see me now

  1. prideinmadness

    March 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    I can’t even fully explain how happy I am you posted this. I had a horrible night last night and the day is only slightly better. I this speaks to me. Thx!

  2. glowmo

    March 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    there is no beauty like honesty

  3. judithatwood

    March 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    I am grateful to the Cosmos that you wrote this down. I hope you can remember it if things get really bad!

  4. everydayclimb

    March 20, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    Creative and beautiful bittersweet poem. Thank you for sharing it. XO

  5. ryoko861

    March 20, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    I wish I had that talent to put my feelings into words like this. You could publish a book. Really. Your last post was fantastic! That could be one chapter. Interject the poetry. I’m sure there are other out there that would benefit from your words. That they’re not alone.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      March 20, 2012 at 6:57 pm

      Aw, thank you ryoko! I just don’t think I’d have the guts to ever publish a book.

      • ryoko861

        March 21, 2012 at 1:55 am

        Why? You have the knowledge. You have a writing talent! You have a successful blog. You need confidence. Take your posts and publish them in a book.

  6. Hazimax

    March 21, 2012 at 8:53 am

    Amazing poem, very honest and emotional. I am interested to read more about you as you blog more.

  7. magher1

    March 21, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    Sincere, pure emotions. Good job!

  8. shail

    March 21, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    “Blankets wet with nineteen days of tears,
    mind racing with self-constructed fears,”

    Self constructed fears are the worst.
    Full of emotions. Good job.

  9. Mr. Watson

    March 21, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Great write

  10. Panda Wolf

    March 21, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    “If you could see me now.” Those six words hold an authority like no other. It’s both a challenge and a proclomation. <>, <>, <>. Those are the voices I heard as I read through your poem.

    • Panda Wolf

      March 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

      It seems my post was ill formated. Anyhow, I’m sure you can read what the rest of it says.

  11. booguloo

    March 22, 2012 at 1:02 am

    I just read depression again to see if it got any better, it didn’t; but of course I knew that. Your work speaks for a lot of people who can’t even pick up a pencil. I just wanted someone to tell you that in case no one has before. I battle bipolar 2 and some other letters that really mean nothing but you are a blessing for the help you give to others. How you say? You always mange to get it together enough to come back and talk about it.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      March 22, 2012 at 2:12 am

      Booguloo, you have no idea what your words mean to me; I’ve broken out in a big silly smile. Thank you so much.

  12. zen and the art of borderline maintenance

    March 22, 2012 at 2:36 am

    You are still trucking, honey. Still writing. You can do this. Love!

  13. mairmusic

    March 22, 2012 at 3:07 am

    strength in every word– well done.

  14. booguloo

    March 22, 2012 at 3:38 am

    When you’re not anchored times like these take over. When I’m being sucked in I find something that I know what it and what it looks like when I’m not depressed. I call it a trip stone. I carry one in my pocket now. It’s a thumb drive. Now I remember that when I’m not depressed and I remind myself it’s just a chemical making me feel this way, it”l bring me around to a place where I can better cope with the given situation. I used to use one when I tripped in case the trip was going sideways, I could bring myself back and get the trip back on track.

    Now I’m thinking TMI and I got the whole thing wrong.. okay I’m going to go now..byeee

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      March 23, 2012 at 10:04 am

      Thanks for sharing that, it’s got me thinking. I used to keep a single diazepam tablet in my pocket. I’d never take it, but knowing it was there tended to calm me down, because I knew I had a route out of the anxiety. Perhaps your idea could help with my depressive moments.

      It sounds strange, but often when I’m depressed I rip my bedroom apart, making sure everything is in the right place. Maybe I’m just looking for something I can recognise.

  15. SiNA

    March 22, 2012 at 9:27 am

    And the worlds saw it…and you grew stronger…and that’s your reward : )
    beautifully woven!

  16. Mariya Koleva

    March 23, 2012 at 9:59 am

    I like the way you worded your poem!

  17. mbwilliams

    March 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Profound – finding calm in the center of a mind storm. Loved it

  18. Moon Amoore

    March 23, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    Beautifully written. I admire the strength u displayed in this poem.

  19. ashbeezone

    March 24, 2012 at 3:41 am

    Very Nice Poetry with an amazing Imagination
    Great Work of Creativity !! Highly Expressive !!

    It was indeed enjoyable after reading this one !!

    Anyways, Take a look some of my Poetry Collections …

    some of my Haiku Collections

    and also, on my very recent Work as well

    !!! Happy Rally !!!
    Cheers !!

  20. unclothedsoul

    March 24, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    Wow! This is intense, filled with emotion, and absolutely beautiful!

  21. Jennifaye

    March 25, 2012 at 5:32 am

    Very intense. If this is autobiographical, be strong dear. Refuse to give in.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      March 25, 2012 at 11:58 pm

      Thanks, Jennifaye. It was autobiographical at the time… I think things have changed. Hope so, anyway.

  22. ZQ

    March 27, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Love sent :-)

    Begin and continue …the only two rules of the road, eh!

    Well portrayed piece.

  23. Becky

    March 27, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Wow — this is very powerful my sweet friend.
    I felt like I needed to jump on the page and hold your hand.
    So good!

  24. Erick Flores

    March 27, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Very captivating. I felt your pain, and your desire. Well written!

  25. Wander

    March 28, 2012 at 8:59 am

    This was a very powerful poem, I have been on this side and the other as well. I at first could have swore that you were My x wife penning this verse… powerful!

    Please come by and visit, I am going to follow after reading this again, thank you!


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