If you could see me now

Tonight I considered
it might all fall apart.

Something so fragile,
weaker than I’d forced myself to believe.

Blankets wet with nineteen days of tears,
mind racing with self-constructed fears,
the smell of ash
and taste of sleeping pills
… anything but the old ways to get me through.

And I wonder if you realise
how hard this was for me tonight?

How I buried myself under chemical calm
so I wouldn’t let the beast take over,
the monster I’d created.

Pushing at me,
pulling me,
willing me,
but I won’t do it.

Tonight, I saw how weak I still am
and a strength I didn’t know I had.

Skin untouched,
tears wiped away,
the empty corner.

I won’t stand vigil tonight.

And perhaps, maybe I won’t sleep,
perhaps I’ll let the tears fall,
but I won’t turn back.

Stars in the sky go unwatched as I lie here,
fragile,
weak,
but refusing to give in.

And I wish you could see me,
I wish you could know how hard this was for me.

Tonight, I considered I took on too much,
I tried too hard and it’s so easy to lose,
this went further than any game
and I realise now I’m the only one playing.

I prayed tonight,
I asked for strength,
I wrote words which made no sense,
I ignored the voice,
I denied the urge,
I wish you saw,
I wish you heard.

I don’t know what you think of me,
and I’m scared to speak these words out loud.

Tonight, I saw how I’m still the enemy,
but I didn’t give in.

Tonight, I considered that if the world could see,
next time might be easier.

(c) 2008.

 

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52 Comments

  1. I wish I had that talent to put my feelings into words like this. You could publish a book. Really. Your last post was fantastic! That could be one chapter. Interject the poetry. I’m sure there are other out there that would benefit from your words. That they’re not alone.

  2. I just read depression again to see if it got any better, it didn’t; but of course I knew that. Your work speaks for a lot of people who can’t even pick up a pencil. I just wanted someone to tell you that in case no one has before. I battle bipolar 2 and some other letters that really mean nothing but you are a blessing for the help you give to others. How you say? You always mange to get it together enough to come back and talk about it.

  3. When you’re not anchored times like these take over. When I’m being sucked in I find something that I know what it and what it looks like when I’m not depressed. I call it a trip stone. I carry one in my pocket now. It’s a thumb drive. Now I remember that when I’m not depressed and I remind myself it’s just a chemical making me feel this way, it”l bring me around to a place where I can better cope with the given situation. I used to use one when I tripped in case the trip was going sideways, I could bring myself back and get the trip back on track.

    Now I’m thinking TMI and I got the whole thing wrong.. okay I’m going to go now..byeee

    • Thanks for sharing that, it’s got me thinking. I used to keep a single diazepam tablet in my pocket. I’d never take it, but knowing it was there tended to calm me down, because I knew I had a route out of the anxiety. Perhaps your idea could help with my depressive moments.

      It sounds strange, but often when I’m depressed I rip my bedroom apart, making sure everything is in the right place. Maybe I’m just looking for something I can recognise.

  4. Very Nice Poetry with an amazing Imagination
    Great Work of Creativity !! Highly Expressive !!

    It was indeed enjoyable after reading this one !!

    Anyways, Take a look some of my Poetry Collections …

    http://ashbeezone.wordpress.com/category/talent-underground/poetry-zone/

    some of my Haiku Collections

    http://ashbeezone.wordpress.com/category/creative-challenges/the-haiku-challenge/

    and also, on my very recent Work as well

    http://ashbeezone.wordpress.com/2012/03/22/my-silly-shitty-hovering-mind-from-darkness-to-sunshine/

    !!! Happy Rally !!!
    Cheers !!

  5. This was a very powerful poem, I have been on this side and the other as well. I at first could have swore that you were My x wife penning this verse… powerful!

    Please come by and visit, I am going to follow after reading this again, thank you!

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