If you could see me now

Tonight I considered
it might all fall apart.

Something so fragile,
weaker than I’d forced myself to believe.

Blankets wet with nineteen days of tears,
mind racing with self-constructed fears,
the smell of ash
and taste of sleeping pills
… anything but the old ways to get me through.

And I wonder if you realise
how hard this was for me tonight?

How I buried myself under chemical calm
so I wouldn’t let the beast take over,
the monster I’d created.

Pushing at me,
pulling me,
willing me,
but I won’t do it.

Tonight, I saw how weak I still am
and a strength I didn’t know I had.

Skin untouched,
tears wiped away,
the empty corner.

I won’t stand vigil tonight.

And perhaps, maybe I won’t sleep,
perhaps I’ll let the tears fall,
but I won’t turn back.

Stars in the sky go unwatched as I lie here,
fragile,
weak,
but refusing to give in.

And I wish you could see me,
I wish you could know how hard this was for me.

Tonight, I considered I took on too much,
I tried too hard and it’s so easy to lose,
this went further than any game
and I realise now I’m the only one playing.

I prayed tonight,
I asked for strength,
I wrote words which made no sense,
I ignored the voice,
I denied the urge,
I wish you saw,
I wish you heard.

I don’t know what you think of me,
and I’m scared to speak these words out loud.

Tonight, I saw how I’m still the enemy,
but I didn’t give in.

Tonight, I considered that if the world could see,
next time might be easier.

(c) 2008.

 

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