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You can’t always get what you want

22 Mar

A couple of hours ago I received this message on Facebook:

“There’s something else I need to discuss with you too. I’m now thinking that selling our house might be a better option than trying to rent it out, as I’ve found out a few bits of important information since we discussed it last year.”

Last year, S and I met a member of the local forum we met on. Over drinks and a bitching session, she brought up something she’d mentioned briefly before; that she and her husband were going to pack up and travel Europe for the rest of their lives, and they needed someone to rent their two-bedroom semi, near where my sister E lives. She offered us the house, if we wanted it. S and I couldn’t even pretend to not be interested; we’d sort of discussed moving in together, but the combination of his past debts and my reliance on benefits means it’d be more difficult than usual for us to rent, and it’s ridiculously expensive to rent anywhere here – you’re looking at 500 quid a month for a small flat – so, with little chance of us ever being able to afford a mortgage, the situation was ideal. Over the months, we’ve furnished the house in drunken conversations and spoke for hours on end about how it’ll feel to go to sleep together every night… and now, all that is impossible.

I can’t express how disappointed I feel; I can’t bring myself to reply because I don’t want her to know how much I was putting all my faith into this chance. I’m sitting here in the dark on my bed, typing on my tobacco-covered laptop with a joint in my hand, trying to convince myself it’s not the end of the world. I’m not doing it very well. Turned my music down because I don’t want to hear it, I just want silence.

I’m worried about telling S; this move has been everything to us since we decided we wanted to live together. He’s renting a room at the moment, and he’s already gone way over his tenancy, so he says he probably won’t be able to stay much longer. As for me, I can’t go on living with my mother. I love her, and I worry about her, but I simply can’t move on with my life while I’m stuck in my childhood home. Above all that… I really, really wanted to set up home with S. We’ve been together for over a year, and it’s difficult leaving him on Sundays when all I want to do is stay.

All through my life I’ve been presented with opportunities which have, without fail, been snatched away from me. More often than not I’ve been to blame for things falling apart, but sometimes the opportunities just vanish and I’m getting weary of the whole depressing cycle.

.

The sun is just starting to rise, and I’m still wide-awake. The last few nights have been strange, with me waking at weird times and sleeping until 5pm. I was planning on staying up all night to reset my body clock (I’d have coped with shopping, somehow) but all I feel like doing now is sleeping for a hell of a long time, pushing the world away and retreating like I always do. I’m trying to remind myself that I have BPD so I’m bound to react with panic to any plan going awry; the last thing I need right now is to lose it. It won’t do S any good if I shove him away by isolating myself, and I’m not sure I can keep kicking arse when life punches me in the kidneys so many times. I’ve been let down a thousand times before, and one day something has to be the straw on the camel.

I know two readers know the woman I’m speaking about; one will certainly know who she is. All I can ask is please don’t tell her anything I’ve said here; She can’t know.

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25 Comments

Posted by on March 22, 2012 in Every day life

 

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25 responses to “You can’t always get what you want

  1. fiercebuddhist

    March 22, 2012 at 6:01 am

    Sorry to hear that things are tough for you. There will be other opportunities in the future. Keep your eyes open for the next one. Peace to you and S.

     
  2. faithhopechocolate

    March 22, 2012 at 8:25 am

    I tried to sell my flat and there was zero interest. They may find they have to rent it out, so the plan is not completely burnt out.

    The complication they may be facing is that the mortgage company will only give permission for them to let the property if their mortgage is a buy-to-let product, and I can understand their not wanting to re-mortgage so they can rent it (I’ve just had to re-mortgage so I can let my flat and it’s been a right bloody faff).

    The plan hasn’t gone awry; you’re still going to be able to move in with S, you just need to find a different place – and it might actually be better for you to not be living in a house that belongs to someone you know. A faceless landlord is actually less stressful and you’d be less likely to be worrying about things like their not liking your painting the walls green with bright pink polka dots (not that you’d pick that combination I’m sure, but I hope you get what I mean).

    You’ll get through this; you’ve been through worse and survived. But I can totally sympathise with your wanting to sleep and hide away from it all.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      March 23, 2012 at 6:38 am

      Yeah, the housing market is awful right now, so although I don’t wish any problems on them… there’s a chance they may not be able to sell, and perhaps that’s something worth holding on to. You’re right, I had a message from her and the problem is exactly what you describe. I can understand why they wouldn’t want to re-mortgage, which is why I’m unwilling to let her know how disappointed I am. I’d do the same.

      Thanks, faith. I just wish renting was cheaper.

       
      • faithhopechocolate

        March 23, 2012 at 8:37 am

        I was about to say “you don’t fancy moving to Chester do you?” but in seeing your comments previously about S working I know that wouldn’t work because it would be a bitch of a commute. Plus I reckon you’d be happier in a small house rather than a poky flat.

        *hugs* and prayers.

         
        • halfwaybetweenthegutter

          March 23, 2012 at 9:54 am

          Well, S is determined to leave his job as soon as he can – we just need to know he’ll have another one lined up or, even better, another way of making income from his design skills – so a move wouldn’t be out of the question! Whether I’d get him to Chester I don’t know, but if it ever happened I’d expect you to put the kettle on ;) Yeah, we’d be much happier in a small house, with the amount of stuff we own and how we need our own space, but flats look more realistic now.

           
          • faithhopechocolate

            March 24, 2012 at 7:13 pm

            I’m not going to be in Chester for much longer – I go to Whitby on 10th April. But I’ll still be able to follow you so that’ll be cool. In fact, I need to write an update about the latest few steps I’ve taken.

            I hope & pray S finds himself in a position to use his skills soon – and somewhere where there’s plenty of cheap housing for the two of you.

             
            • halfwaybetweenthegutter

              March 26, 2012 at 12:00 am

              Thank you; I’m sure we’ll find somewhere. We looked at a few flats online this weekend and we might be able to pull it off. Good luck with the move!

               
  3. judithatwood

    March 22, 2012 at 11:13 am

    My friend, I am so sorry this deal didn’t work out. It sounds like it was ideal. And remember, S knows who you are, and will understand if you need to take time to mourn the life the two of you planned together. I know what you mean about benefits making it hard — is there some kind of subsidized housing you could apply for? I was horrified at the thought, 8 years ago, but I love my apartment, and the U.S. gov and the state of Maine help me pay for it. (Maine, however, currently has a prick of a governor who is trying to cut those funds.) Anyway, that might be one answer. But I’d bet you can trust S to understand if you need time. Living those feelings and getting through them is bound to be easier than trying to keep them down.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      March 23, 2012 at 6:32 am

      There is housing benefit, but there’s all sort of issues with it because S works and my income isn’t actually low (although I’m on benefits and I’d call it low, but legally it isn’t because I get help for high-level care needs) so I’m not automatically eligable. I’m not against subsidised housing at all, and I know if I were single I could possibly apply… but living with a partner is totally different benefits-wise here :( My best friend and her boyfriend pretend to be just friends, so they can get benefit, but I’m not someone who’d do that. There’s little enough to go round as it is without fiddling the system.

      I hear you on the governor; we’ve just had the budget announced and, as always, help for the people in need is getting more expensive or getting cut. Great.

      I’m seeing S tonight, so I’ll tell him about the house. Thanks, Judith.

       
  4. The Quiet Borderline

    March 22, 2012 at 11:52 am

    AH, sorry that didn’t work out.

    But I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and that good comes out of bad.

    Good luck.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

     
  5. EKMCronin

    March 22, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Might be worth just having the discussion. Renting to me makes more sense if you’re travelling because you still have regular income.. it might be that she has new information, but renting it is still a possibility.

    I feel your pain, I often have the feeling that things just aren’t going my way. I do believe things get better though, and the struggle makes you stronger.
    :)

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      March 23, 2012 at 6:27 am

      I’m not sure about the struggle making me stronger, but I suppose it’s all lessons to learn. I do believe (although you wouldn’t often realise it from my posts!) that things do get better. Life has taught me that.

       
  6. lookingforapurpose

    March 22, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    I hope things change for you babe , you can’t always get what you want but sometimes you get what you need ;)

    *hugs you*

     
  7. ryoko861

    March 23, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Oh, that is disappointing!! But if you two want to live together, try to find another house to rent. Don’t give up. Yes, you two need to move on with your lives, most definitely! There is something out there. Keep looking!! This place wasn’t meant to be.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      March 23, 2012 at 10:01 am

      We’ve talked seriously about living together, so I don’t think anything will change when I tell S… I hope not, anyway. We might just have to give up a few comforts (weed for me, booze for him) to afford it. Renting elsewhere will be very tight anyway, but I’m going to speak to him tonight and see what he thinks of renting maybe a two bedroom flat. It’s not ideal, but things rarely are.

      Thanks, ryoko :)

       
  8. saradraws

    March 23, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Oh dear.
    My two cents: I understand why you want to avoid confrontation here. Showing someone you’re disappointed by something they’ve had a hand in is far from easy. However, this is no small thing. She made an offer that has a large impact on your life, directly. You have every right to ask her to elaborate, and you deserve to be heard. If the whole message is what you have posted, it’s quite vague. It seems to be asking for your response, your input. It might now change her possible decision, but you absolutely deserve to know more about her change of heart. And as another person said above, renting from friends may not be ideal if you are uncomfortable communicating with them. I know all to well the difficulty of voicing my needs.
    I’ll stop there. Regardless of your course of action, may you find a happy home.

     
  9. zen and the art of borderline maintenance

    March 23, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    Sigh. Obviously I don’t know the whole story, so I can’t say much. All I can offer is empathy. I’m so sorry things aren’t working out with the rental.

    “I’m sitting here in the dark on my bed, typing on my tobacco-covered laptop with a joint in my hand, trying to convince myself it’s not the end of the world. I’m not doing it very well. Turned my music down because I don’t want to hear it, I just want silence.”

    Well, that is just beautiful and poetic. Heart-wrenching, too. I relate.

    You write so well. Don’t give up on finding a place. You are loved by your fellow Borderlines. :-)

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      March 26, 2012 at 12:06 am

      Awww… *hug* Thank you. Long story short, a friend is going travelling, and was going to rent her house out to S and I. We said we’ve probably accept it, but months later she’s now decided to sell instead.

      We’ve been looking at flats; we’ll find somewhere :)

       
      • zen and the art of borderline maintenance

        March 26, 2012 at 3:11 am

        I am sure you will, but that’s very disappointing indeed. Look forward to reading more posts. For some reason, your posts have not been coming into my inbox and I have to keep checking your blog!

         
  10. halfwaybetweenthegutter

    March 26, 2012 at 3:34 am

    It is disappointing, but onwards and upwards.. and all that.

    As for the updates… I have no idea! Hopefully it will right itself. I’ve had similar problems in the past.

     

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