Dear Diary – 11th/12th/13th January 2006

< 9th/10th January 2006.

Wednesday 11th January

20:27

Woke up at 7:15 feeling like crap. Had a quick shower and got a taxi to the hospital. Had to  give loads of embarassing info about my sex life, drug use, hospital stays (I decided not to mention the emergency admission) before seeing Dr Thomas. Had yet another internal scan with three people watching. I need to go back in six weeks to have the lining of my cervix burned away. Dr Thomas said it may get the bleeding under control. It was hard, sitting in the waiting room watching all these women coming out with their little scan pictures. I asked the doctor about my chances of conceiving, but he said right now it would be too invasive to find out.

Dreading college tomorrow. I’m so tired and so damn depressed. Feel like nobody is supporting me with this; feels like O has turned his back on me. Maybe I’m paranoid, but lately he hasn’t been answering my calls, he hasn’t spoken to me like he used to and rarely comes online anymore. I know new year was hard for us, but he insisted he was going to change; if this is how he’s changing, I don’t like it.

Maybe I should have simply forgiven him. Maybe that would have been easier. But I’m just not the soft touch I used to be. I’m thinking that’s maybe not such a good thing. Am I being used?

Thursday 12th January

I need  to remember to hide this diary, especially if E* is staying tomorrow night. No such thing as privacy in this house.

A funny day, really. I’m still a little worried about he diathermy – looked it up online and it sounds painful – and the tiredness; today was just ridiculous, I didn’t feel awake once. Slept for four hours this evening and still don’t feel right. Need to ring the doctor in the morning.

I feel guilty over what I wrote about O yesterday. It’s not his fault I’m finding it so difficult to get over new year, not his fault circumstance has made it difficult to contact him. I need to have a good talk to myself about this; I can’t go on with the paranoia, can’t spend my life feeling like I have to defend my position with him. Yes, he did something wrong and I don’t think he expects me to forgive him but for my own sanity I need to force myself to let it go. It’s so hard though. When someone you love shatters yourr trust for them, it’s difficult to say, “okay, that’s fine. There’s no denying I love him, that’s never been a question, but I can’t help the fear that something is going on. We’re into our second year together; I should be able to deal better with it. I’ve just never been good at this sort of thing.

Friday 13th January

Spent the day alone. Woke up feeling awful, like I’ve got a cold. Spoke to O, felt really guilty that I had to say I coudn’t see him; I want to do as much as I can to heal the rift between us and I know being tired and needing to spend the day in bed probably doesn’t help. Mind you, neither does falling asleep at his house, so I probably can’t win either way.

I think O is more secure with this than I am. I can still feel a sort of atmosphere between us,but I get the impression it’s me causing it. I have so many issues I need to work through; I only recently got over our first real argument and that was over six months ago. So how long will it take me to deal with this? I’m trying hard to pretend it’s all fine, but the mask keeps slipping.

*my sister

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13 Comments

  1. Hi. I think some parts of medicine have forgotten that we’d like to keep a bit of our dignity. Ok, if it was a male doc, there needed to be a female present, but not an audience. Also, why does it have to be done in the same clinic area or just same clinic time as pregnancy scans? Where’s the sensitivity?
    I was 18, pure as the driven snow, but suspected PCOS. I was sent to gynae at hospital. It was awful. 1 doc checked but wanted 2nd opinion, left there naked from waist down, 2nd doc wanted consultants opinion! 3 docs ogling at my bits. Then scan where confirmation of PCOS & conceiving etc will be difficult while others smile at pictures of babies.
    Sorry that you had to go on to the surgery.

    • Where’s the sensitivity indeed; my sister has fertility problems, and I feel awful that she has to sit in that waiting room so often, watching women coming out clutching scans and looking smug. It’s so painful… I know space has to be a priority, but there’s no sensitivity towards feelings at all.

      I had a horrible consultant for my diagnosis of PCOS. He told me I’d never have kids, and to pretty much just get on with it. That was after telling me I didn’t have PCOS and refusing a scan until I put my foot down (I was fourteen, and grumpy). He never apologised for saying that, just said I had the cysts after all. I’ve always refused to see him since, although my sister still goes to him.

  2. Pingback: Dear Diary – 14th/15th/16th January 2006 « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

  3. Pingback: Dear Diary: 17th/19th January 2006 « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

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