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Letting go of O.

31 Mar

Today, I realised that my friendship with O, my ex-fiancé, has officially ended. Not only that, but it ended a long time ago, when I met S and stopped sleeping with O. For a long time, I believed his promise of always being there for me, and his assurances that we’d always be best friends. Even when we didn’t speak for a long time, I let it slide because I thought he’d eventually call or text.

Nothing, though. I haven’t heard anything from him for months, and I think it’s time to close the lid on that friendship. I’ve realised now how gullible I was; O was only sticking around for sex, and once I stopped giving it to him… well, it didn’t take him long to drop me.

It makes me feel sad in a way. My relationship with O was turbulant and paranoid, and we were woefully mismatched, but I’ll always look back on our time together with fondness. My feeling for S have far eclipsed what I ever felt for O, but I was happy, sometimes. It was my first adult relationship, and we were together for over four years. Knowing he’ll never be in my life again is a strange feeling, but can I ever offer friendliness to someone who only wanted something physical from me in the end? Who dumped our ‘everlasting friendship’ once I met someone and fell in love?

I feel shamed that I let O use me and believed him when he made promises to always be there. It seems that friendship came with conditions; that I couldn’t meet anyone else, but he could have a girlfriend and two children.

Those conditions just seem unfair.

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37 Comments

Posted by on March 31, 2012 in Every day life

 

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37 responses to “Letting go of O.

  1. Trinity River

    March 31, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    Those terms are definitely unfair. I’m glad you moved on!

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 3, 2012 at 4:05 am

      Thanks Trinity :) It’s nice to hear it confirmed. I didn’t know if I was just overreacting.

       
  2. Israel

    March 31, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    You wouldn’t believe how many friendships and relationships are based on sex with people. People claim to care and act like they do but the minute that they know they will never get to have sex with that person or are cut off from it they will pretty much leave the relationship all together. I know men like this. They woo women into thinking that they actually care just so they might get to have sex with her down the road at some point. But women never believe me when i try to tell them, so they end up getting hurt and stuff. Maybe i am the only person that can see what going on ? I dunno but i hate it when people do that. These women deserve a good man not sex. Its a big issue for me, sorry if i went on a rant.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 3, 2012 at 4:04 am

      I don’t think everyone does it, but yeah… I’ve known few men who’ve acted friendly, made no indications that they were interested, then expected me to jump into bed with them. I did once, stupidly; I mistook someone wanting sex for affection. Silly, really.

       
      • Israel

        April 3, 2012 at 7:13 am

        Yea, i know some people that are that way, and your right not all people are that way. I am just very hesitant about being friends with anyone anymore. I’m sorry you’ve had so much trouble in your life. :(

         
        • halfwaybetweenthegutter

          April 3, 2012 at 6:39 pm

          I understand the hesitation, it can be so difficult to trust when some people just abuse friendships like it means nothing to them. Keep your chin up; at least you’re self-aware enough to know you’re not like them. That counts for a lot.

          And don’t be sorry; it’s made me who I am :)

           
          • Israel

            April 3, 2012 at 11:42 pm

            Thanks for understanding and i will try to keep a chin up. :)

             
  3. Tya Khan

    March 31, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Thats a very bold step but something that was needed to be done. so proud of you, i know its not easy to let go some one you think is your own, i have had letting go issues in my life too and it took alot of time and courage to do that, i’d say i literally wasted my time and life over something that was not important any more, not to the other person atleast. But its something that we eventually need to do so that we can move on and have a life of our own too. :)
    You deserve better, alot more better then being taken for guaranteed. :)
    *Big hug* Feel good about your self. ALWAYS!

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 3, 2012 at 4:02 am

      Thanks Tya. I didn’t really think of O as my own, especially not after he had children, but I get what you mean. Letting go can be so difficult, even if you know it’s the sensible thing to do. I don’t usually like not having closure after ending any sort of relationship, but I’m not about to call him up and tell him I’m not speaking to him anymore. I’ve moved on a lot, my life has changed enormously, and he’s just no longer a part of who I am, I suppose.

       
      • Tya Khan

        April 3, 2012 at 8:16 am

        its great that you moved on and no you dont need to call him or any thing, Hes been gone long. just believe in your self and enjoy life as it comes. Bad days are over :)

         
  4. carlarenee45

    March 31, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    well, even in adult relationships, you live and you learn.

     
  5. Cyndy Cooper

    March 31, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    The shame is and should be his. It’s unfortunate that you believed him when he promised friendship, but why wouldn’t you? The man is untrustworthy and a liar. I’m sorry for his children. Your belief in positive human relationships should be applauded. I love your tenacity, you are an inspiration in my world.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 3, 2012 at 3:04 am

      It’s actually nice to hear that thinking well of people is a good thing in somebody’s eyes; I’ve always seen it as such a negative because, inevitably, it leads to things dragging out longer than they need to because I refused to accept someone could be entirely cold.

      Thank you Cyndy. That’s a lovely thing to read.

       
  6. Julie

    March 31, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    I think that, in any relationship, you have to be able to trust that the other person means what they say, or you don’t have the relationship you thought you had. With O, it sounds like he didn’t fulfill his half of that equation by actually meaning it. But the thing is, life is one big long learning process. You’ve learned something from that experience I’ll bet, and now you’re on to far, far better things. Don’t beat yourself up over the past. It’s counterproductive.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 3, 2012 at 3:01 am

      Thank you Julie. It is a learning process, and a bloody difficult one at times, but I think the lesson has been learned.

       
  7. mrscmonkey

    March 31, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    It does seem unfair. He could have it all but you could only have what her permitted. Perhaps his lack of contact, although sad, is for the best and will mark an end to that part if your life and a new beginning? x

     
  8. glowmo

    March 31, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    true love isn’t for the weak
    cause it’s unconditional
    don’t blame yourself for his shortcoming’s
    you were true. that’s what matters.

     
  9. judithatwood

    March 31, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    Love from Maine, honey. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Do you think, looking back, and knowing what you now know, that he would not have found some reason to duck out? Him leaving is his problem. All you did was have your first real love affair, and you believed what he said because we always want to believe what our special people say. He really lied, and screwed up, too; you only made a simple mistake. Please don’t punish yourself for his wrongdoing!

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 3, 2012 at 2:55 am

      Thank you, Judith *hugs* I think I realise now that he was always going to duck out, and he did it a long time ago.

       
  10. saradraws

    March 31, 2012 at 11:42 pm

    Exes are never simple, always complicated (ok, not true, but if the relationship was tumultuous, you can bet that the aftermath ain’t gonna be a walk in the park). I had a hell of a time getting me ex out of my hair. No matter other people’s great (and correct) advice, no matter how hurt I was getting, no matter how much I KNEW this was bad for me (though I usually lived in a great deal of denial, unable to admit that he was a mess, and not my mess to clean up), I still wasn’t ready until I was ready.
    I’m guessing the same for you. When you are REALLY ready to let go, you will. Until then, it’s gonna be messy. And not that you asked, but I’ll share anyway, ’cause I’m a loudmouth like that…
    Exes have no place in a new, strong relationship. There are probably exceptions to this, but not many. If you’re giving energy to your ex, it’s energy you can give to your current relationship and love. That was a tricky one for me to learn too. Nearly killed my relationship…but we survived, and now we’re married.
    I didn’t mean for this to be long, rambling, unsolicited advice (the worst kind), so I’ll pop off now. Be kind to yourself.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 3, 2012 at 2:54 am

      I do think that sometimes friendship with an ex can work (I’ve seen it), but it’s rare, and it’s far more likely everything will fall apart eventually. I think my problem was that, although any romantic feelings I had for O were gone when I met S, I did still care about him in a sort of brotherly way, and letting go would almost be like losing a member of my family.

      Now, being with S has taught me a side to relationships I wasn’t aware of, and I’ve realised that O wasn’t as innocent as I’ve made him out to be, especially after we split up. He took advantage of my need for friendship.

      Thanks, saradraws :)

       
  11. Barefoot Baroness

    April 1, 2012 at 3:02 am

    Losing somethng that you thought was one thing, but really another is really freedom. You realized how what he expected from you was not showing you any respect. Even his idea of respect he was not giving up.
    I heard the “see others, you’re too young to settle down with one guy” when I did he got mad. Today, 42 yrs later I’m with the “other” guy.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 3, 2012 at 2:47 am

      42 years together is amazing, it really makes my day to hear that. Sometimes, I worry that nobody but me believes that two people can just, y’know, be together.

       
  12. darknessilluminated

    April 1, 2012 at 3:27 am

    live and learn is true — you won’t make that same decision again. but there’s definitely an onus on him to not have been such a prat: you don’t just call people ‘friend’ and then use and take advantage of said friend’s belief that it’s a legitimate, reciprocal relationship of give and take, concern and affection for each other. i’m sorry you had to go through this.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 3, 2012 at 2:42 am

      Thanks; and thank you for making me smile with your useage of ‘prat’. It’s one of my favourite words.

       
  13. thebirdieflies

    April 1, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Every relationship requires some amount of trust. You trusted him, and his promises. And now you know that he never meant those promises himself. I think you did the best you could, at that time. Had you not trusted his promises, had you always doubted what he said, your relationship wouldn’t have been so happy for you at that time.
    Moreover, having an ex who you really and truly loved is always complicated business. I had a similar experience with my ex too. He would promise me that we would always stay friends, that he would never stop loving me even after we break up. Now that I’m dating someone else, I believe his ego (the same old male ego!) is hurt because he saw this as his loss and the new guy’s victory. He sees it as a shortcoming that he had, something makes the new guy better than him.
    He’s stopped talking to me ever since.

    Being in a fulfilling relationship makes it easier to forgive exes and forget about these things. After a while, it just doesn’t matter anymore. What happened, happened. And maybe they made your present self a better person. :)

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 3, 2012 at 2:37 am

      Thanks, thebirdieflies; yes your ex and O sound very similar. O did still speak to me for a short while when I told him I was seeing S, but his contact was sporadic and as though he was just going through the friendship motions. I don’t know; I can’t work out if his ego was bruised, or whether he just knew he wouldn’t be getting sex anymore.

      To be honest, I never trusted O’s promises. In hindsight, it was always doomed to fail; I was paranoid and clingy, he was secretive and (I now know) a liar. And yes, I do think he’s made me a better person; if only because I know I’ll now always run a mile if a man cheats on me then says he still wants to be with me.

       
  14. The Quiet Borderline

    April 1, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Don’t beat yourself up over it.

    These things happen in life and we live and we learn.

    Glad you have moved on and can find a happier life for yourself with someone new.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

     
  15. nicole marie story

    April 2, 2012 at 12:52 am

    Do not feel ashamed about O. Feel happy that your sex is so good that he’d wish to sick around! Haha! I have an O, too. Mine is Sir Henry: Click here for my article called, ‘Bad Sex.’ Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Sir Henry and always shall – but he is my macaroni and cheese with ketchup. He is my binge food. He is not good for me. I love macaroni and cheese with ketchup. But it is not good for me. Is O good for you? xo

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 3, 2012 at 2:32 am

      O… was good for me, once. But not for a long, long time, and we haven’t spoken for around a year now anyway. Yes, binge food is the perfect description!

       
  16. pdlyons

    April 2, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    not to be corny but maybe with out o there is no grow?

     
  17. ryoko861

    April 3, 2012 at 2:37 am

    At least you’re not harping on it. You’ve moved on. Relationships come and go. You’ve learned from it. You have SO much more with S!

     

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