As peaceful, the world watches down

It’s raining.

Two weeks ago, I was sunburned and half-delirious from an unexpected heatwave. Today, it’s cold and overcast, with temperatures heading towards zero and snow falling less than twenty miles away. The wind is rattling fence panels and blowing through the bay tree in the back garden, under my bedroom window.

There’s a candle on my desk, and tobacco on my laptop. Yesterday was mostly spent sleeping.

It’s 01.15am.

It sounds romantic to spend most of my nights awake, chain-smoking joints and reading novels. For a while, I suppose it was. However, although I’m naturally nocturnal, I do miss the feeling of getting up in the morning and actually doing something.

I know I have all the excuses in the world. Pain. Depression. Anxiety. Worries about the future. Anyone would want to sleep to hide from it. Some days, like yesterday, getting out of bed is a painful, fruitless exercise anyway. Yesterday, it was my knees and ankles; I could barely move them. I managed to go downstairs a few times and make myself sit up when I was awake, but painkillers don’t help and sleeping is just a much easier option.

I like being the only one awake at night. Always have done. I adore the peace and quiet, and being able to hear the tiniest noise; it just feels more comfortable, somehow. I like looking out of my bedroom window and seeing which houses still have lights on – seeing who’s still awake – and imagining the reasons why they’re not asleep. At night, I can write without distractions and spend time thinking about things without interruptions. It all sounds terribly selfish, really. I’ve just never really been a day person.

After spending four days together, I’m missing S. I suppose you could say that we’re somewhat attached at the hip, and when I’m apart from him it feels unnatural. Strangely though, it’s not in the obsessive, clingy way I missed O or other ex-boyfriends. I don’t get the urge to phone S every half hour, or pester him with text messages. I don’t feel as though my heart is being ripped out. It’s just… he’s not here, and it feels a bit empty without him. He’s my sidekick.

Sometimes, I still wonder how I managed to find somebody like S. Not only that, but how I’m not half as governed by BPD in this relationship as I have been in past ones; although that’s most likely down to medication. In the past I’ve always been obsessive and unable to listen to reason, poking at wounds relentlessly until an argument breaks out. A year and two months into my relationship with S, and there still hasn’t been a single fight or even small falling out. There’s just been no need for it.

Over and over, I’ve searched for any possible reasons why I could be somehow making things out to be rosier than they really are, as I’ve been apt to do in the past, but I honestly can’t find a single one. For the first time in my life, I have something real.

 

 

26 Comments

  1. I love the night as well. Always have even as a child. My ideal schedule starts at noon and ends at 4 AM. That way you get lunch (never cared about breakfast) and that wonderful quiet time from midnight-ish until 4. I can get so much done. Haven’t grown fangs yet, but who knows.

    • Yup, my ideal schedule is exactly the same. I much prefer waking at midday and sleeping when the birds are just starting to sing. After all, nobody ever made it a rule that we have to sleep at the same time as everyone else, did they? I don’t care for breakfast either, I’m never hungry until late afternoon, so it suits me fine, although I do miss getting up in the mornings in the summer. Perhaps I’ll give it a go this year.

      No fangs for me either, but I am deathly pale. The only downside.

  2. I read your blog for the first time today, and it gave me this comfy feeling. Nights can be so cosy. And how you talk about your illness, gave me this good feeling that I’m not alone – though I wish we both could leave the pain behind. Thanks for sharing your life with me!

  3. I suspect one of the things you’ll find most enjoyable about getting a place for you & S is being able to get the same peace in the day as you get at nights at home, because on the days S goes to work you’ll have the house to yourself.

    Although it’s not quite the same as being awake at night. Being awake at night is also a bit secretive and “naughty”, which is probably why it has such an attraction to so many of us!

        • I’ve done voluntary work before, but admittedly it wasn’t delcared to the benefits agency. It was my little bit of hope in the world, and I was scared they’d either stop me doing it or take my benefits away. They just don’t understand that sometimes a voluntary job is the only way somebody like me can get out in the world and make a mark on society and help others; no paying employer would touch me with a bargepole because I’d need so much unplanned time off and would be unable to do most tasks. With voluntary work, they don’t mind.

          Who knows what the future will bring. I’m hoping to get the money together at some point to do an OU degree, so I’ll at least have something worthwhile to keep my mind occupied.

  4. This is a very profound and indepthly beautiful release that shows your realness, inner strength and how beautiful you are. Keep writing, keep releasing and keep living for today; one day at a time :) Hugs, Crissy

  5. Last thing at night I usually tell my OH to wake me when he gets up. I have plans to do this and that, be useful. He heaves me out of bed at 6.30am, I have a coffee and wave him off and fall asleep. Today I was useful but that was the first time in ages. Nighttime is lovely even if I can’t sleep I love watching my husband sleep

  6. I feel very dysregulated when my husband isn’t around. OK…sometimes he’s around and he annoys the crap out of me and I yell at him but when he leaves the house feels empty and cold. The other night we got into a terrible fight. The extreme fears of abandonment struck hard and I lost all of my coping skills. He went to bed. I woke him up and cried. We talked it over, made up and both went to sleep. I would like to be less needy but I’m not. No matter how much I heal from BPD some things won’t change. Some woman don’t need a man – I do. For me, it makes the world a safer place.

    • I can relate very much to needing a man; it’s always been the defining feature of my BPD. I’ve gone straight from one relationship to another, unable to stay single or be alone for any length of time. In the past, I needed the male affection and the security of being in a relationship; as though to be with someone means I’m not such a social failure.

      However, when I broke up with J, I was single for months. Because the relationship had caused so much pain, I was grateful to be on my own for once, able to sort my feelings and thoughts out without sticking a bandage over the past by jumping straight into bed with another man. I think that time broke the BPD/neediness pattern, and although I’m still highly fearful of abandonment and being betrayed, I can see now that it is possible to survive without being in a relationship. I suspect medication helps a lot with that realisation.

      I don’t know how I’ll cope with S and I finally fight (we have to eventually!), and whether it’ll spark off all the BPD symptoms again. The last thing I want is to be screaming at him over nothing, breaking plates and threatening to hurt myself, as I have in the past. S is worth more than that.

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