Two weeks ago, I was sunburned and half-delirious from an unexpected heatwave. Today, it’s cold and overcast, with temperatures heading towards zero and snow falling less than twenty miles away. The wind is rattling fence panels and blowing through the bay tree in the back garden, under my bedroom window.
There’s a candle on my desk, and tobacco on my laptop. Yesterday was mostly spent sleeping.
It sounds romantic to spend most of my nights awake, chain-smoking joints and reading novels. For a while, I suppose it was. However, although I’m naturally nocturnal, I do miss the feeling of getting up in the morning and actually doing something.
I know I have all the excuses in the world. Pain. Depression. Anxiety. Worries about the future. Anyone would want to sleep to hide from it. Some days, like yesterday, getting out of bed is a painful, fruitless exercise anyway. Yesterday, it was my knees and ankles; I could barely move them. I managed to go downstairs a few times and make myself sit up when I was awake, but painkillers don’t help and sleeping is just a much easier option.
I like being the only one awake at night. Always have done. I adore the peace and quiet, and being able to hear the tiniest noise; it just feels more comfortable, somehow. I like looking out of my bedroom window and seeing which houses still have lights on – seeing who’s still awake – and imagining the reasons why they’re not asleep. At night, I can write without distractions and spend time thinking about things without interruptions. It all sounds terribly selfish, really. I’ve just never really been a day person.
After spending four days together, I’m missing S. I suppose you could say that we’re somewhat attached at the hip, and when I’m apart from him it feels unnatural. Strangely though, it’s not in the obsessive, clingy way I missed O or other ex-boyfriends. I don’t get the urge to phone S every half hour, or pester him with text messages. I don’t feel as though my heart is being ripped out. It’s just… he’s not here, and it feels a bit empty without him. He’s my sidekick.
Sometimes, I still wonder how I managed to find somebody like S. Not only that, but how I’m not half as governed by BPD in this relationship as I have been in past ones; although that’s most likely down to medication. In the past I’ve always been obsessive and unable to listen to reason, poking at wounds relentlessly until an argument breaks out. A year and two months into my relationship with S, and there still hasn’t been a single fight or even small falling out. There’s just been no need for it.
Over and over, I’ve searched for any possible reasons why I could be somehow making things out to be rosier than they really are, as I’ve been apt to do in the past, but I honestly can’t find a single one. For the first time in my life, I have something real.
- What happens when a person with BPD ends a relationship (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Reading about Borderline Personality Disorder (fiercelinguist.wordpress.com)
- Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (expatlogue.wordpress.com)
- Realizing some things while doing research… (carlarenee45.wordpress.com)
- Positive Feedback from someone with BPD (matthewkelleherbpd.wordpress.com)