A fairly boring day

After days of worrying about her reaction, I finally sent a message back to the woman S and I were going to rent the house from.

Don’t worry about the house at all. It was an option for us yeah, but there are other places out there, and it’s got to work for you too.

I was concerned it may come across a little cold; I was tired and stoned, and didn’t really want to contact her. Her reply, though, was much better than I expected.

Thanks for telling me. I’ve been really quite worried about you and how you’d take the news. However, it sort of pales into insignificance compared to your health and well being. I just feel relief that you’re on the mend

She offered us any furniture she’s getting rid of, if S and I manage to find somewhere to live. So although I was upset when the offer fell through, I do feel better now. Another possible rent has come up, although it’s only 90% certain it’ll happen. Still, it’s something, and much better than dealing with estate agents.

Fibro hit hard today. I woke at midday to mum tapping my knee, asking if we were going shopping in the afternoon. I said no and rolled over, determined to spend another hour in bed, but then she said those immortal words; “we’ll only have to do it tomorrow”.

Point taken, I half-heartedly put some makeup on and smoked a joint, trying to ignore the feeling of hunger in my stomach. The diet/healthy eating has been going well, but I over-indulged over the weekend and the carefully-constructed mechanism to pretend I don’t feel hunger fell apart a little. I finally weighed myself, and in the past three weeks I’ve lost four pounds. No binges, no cutting calories dramatically, and no purging. There’s a small voice shouting at me – telling me that four pounds in three weeks is rubbish – but I’m managing to mostly ignore it.

I’ve been wearing size 18 jeans for two weeks. They’re huge on me. I know it’s ridiculous to wear clothes which are too big, but I’m still struggling with working out how much space I take up in the world. It’s never been clear to me just what I truly look like, and I know that the reflection I see in the mirror probably isn’t anywhere close to being a true representation of me. My mother is convinced I have some sort of body dysmorphia. Maybe she’s right.

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36 Comments

  1. That was nice, about the furniture. Helpful. I hope the new place works out. What a relief that would be. I’m so sorry for your pain. I really do relate. Today my fingers and one wrist are so swollen it’s hard to type, but hey, it’s a distraction. I get so sick of taking Ibuprofen. I can’t take any kind of anti-inflammatory though, they all make me bleed, badly. The aching is just awful, I know. Ugh.

    You know, I never really have a good idea of how I look either. I try not to look in the mirror. But I refuse to weigh myself. I can’t exercise anymore at all, so what’s the point of frustrating myself?

    Well at least you managed to get out. Proud of you, may sound silly, but I would not have been so brave and easily convinced. Glad you got up and went.

    XO

  2. What a relief to finally get back to that woman, right? What you wrote was perfect!! It wasn’t cold at all!

    I’m sorry you were aching today! I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

    Go buy yourself some proper fitting jeans! You’ll feel better about yourself! 4 pounds in 3 weeks! That’s great! I can’t even loose a pound in one week! Thought my doctor told me I grew an inch since last year. Go figure.

    • You grew an inch?! I’m sure I’m shrinking, so can I have some of your height?

      Today was much better pain-wise, thank you. Still aching a little, but managed a walk to the local shop and have a bit of a tidy in my bedroom.

      I think I’m scared to go shopping for jeans which fit. It’d mean dealing with – shudder – changing rooms.

  3. Are you smoking joints for medical reasons? I know it can reduce pain. I smoked a lot of joints for many years ago (not as medicine), but it only triggered my paranoid schizophrenia. I was hooked on it, but it only made me sicker. Hope you’ll find a nice place to rent. Wish you all the best!

    • Partly for medical reasons (it helps hugely with joint and neck pain, and gives me a better sleep) and partly because it calms my anxiety down. I suppose I just like it, too. It puts me in a state where I can think over difficult things without getting upset, and helps me with situations where I’d normally panic. I have worried in the past it may have an effect in the future, but so may any medication I take, so I’m always at risk anyway. My antidepressants carry the risk of suicide; so weed seems far safer!

      How did you give it up, if you don’t mind me asking? And thank you :)

  4. I think your mother may have a valid point there. If the size 18 jeans are way to big, what are size 16 like?

    And 4 pounds in 3 weeks is admirable; it’s (from what I understand about healthy eating & healthy weight loss) the perfect amount to be losing.

    • I have a pair of size 16′s which are huge on me; I need a belt to keep them up. If I try a 14 though, they’re far too tight (I don’t like clothes to pinch me at all, they have to be loose so they don’t grab onto any flab). I hate clothing sizes; none are the same. I have no idea what size I am. Gah, if I had the money I’d be having clothes custom fitted, with no labels or sizes. That’d be perfect.

  5. Good morning, (for me,

    First, love from Maine, where the forsythia are finally blooming.

    Four pounds in three weeks is not rubbish — tell that voice you aren’t listening. When you lose weight quickly, it comes back quickly, but when you lose weight slowly, it stays off. Do your best to avoid stepping on the scale every day — that can be very discouraging. And be kind to yourself. If you gain a pound, or four pounds, back, you just keep doing what you’re doing, and the weight will come off. I would even consider spending a year taking off the weight — you will likely never have to worry about it again. Best of luck! 8-)

    • I’ve only weighed myself once, and plan to do so every two weeks. That way I’ll not just be seeing water loss or getting obsessive over numbers. Both S and my mother have been encouraging with the amount I’ve lost and the way I’ve done it, so that helps me keep it up without sliding into silly behaviour. I suppose I’m lucky that those closest to me know I’ve had eating disorders, so will keep an eye on me.

      I need to lose three stones (42lb) altogether, to put me back at the weight I felt most comfortable and secure at. Done properly, it should take me just under a year, give or take a bit. Fingers crossed :)

  6. Four pounds in three weeks sounds about perfect, imho. I think most of us have a warped image of ourselves. I saw a picture of myself the other day and I couldn’t believe that was me. It just didn’t reflect what I seem to see in the mirror (picture looked much better than the mirror) – very strange.

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