I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you

24 Apr

When you spend most of your life shut inside your bedroom, there’s often not a lot to write about. One reason why I sometimes back off from participating so much online is because the jealousy surrounding the wonderful, full, active lives of others can start to consume me, and I’ve fallen apart more than once due to that envy. There’s only so many times I can type “played the Sims” or “slept all day” before the reality of my life being pretty damn boring becomes apparent.

Pain has been a constant for the past few days. Not agonising – it’s been much, much worse – but a permanent dull ache in my ankle, foot and hands. For once, my neck isn’t too bad; S gave me a back massage at the weekend and it seemed to loosen things up a bit. I’m loathe to take any Naproxen; I’ve been forgetting to eat (more about that later) and I don’t think my stomach could take it. IBS has been terrible for about a week now, and the smallest thing is sending me straight to the toilet with cramps and horrible pains, so the last thing I need is to irritate it more.

Yesterday, I had planned to go to the bookshop (where I used to volunteer) after closing time for drinks with P (the manager who was my closest friend, but it turns out he had feelings for me and he stopped speaking to me when I met S) and C, the little guy with glasses and an Elvis obsession who worked with me on Mondays.

At first, the idea seemed possibly not that great. P and I have spoken on Facebook since we ‘fell out’, but I suspect he still feels resentment that I picked S over him. I was concerned it would feel awkward. After I got together with S, P sent me a huge bunch of flowers; I flipped somewhat, and he cried on my mother’s shoulder when he realised he’d done totally the wrong thing.

I needn’t have worried. After deciding to just go – despite his overreaction to my relationships, P was a wonderful friend and I don’t blame him for making mistakes; I’m an emotional failure myself – I didn’t hear anything about what time I needed to be at the shop. Despite improving hugely in dealing with uncertainty over the past couple of years, I panicked. The rational thing to do would be to phone the bookshop, but I didn’t think I could cope if a volunteer I didn’t know answered. So I bailed.

Bail number two was a photoshoot on Sunday. I was supposed to be taking part in a goth/alt photoshoot for a friend, along with Z. It was an incentive to lose some weight and make an effort with my skin, so I was quite looking forward to it in a nervous way. I hate having my photograph taken, but figured it might be good for me to force myself in front of the camera.

I was the first person to join the Facebook group about it, and was first on the list. I’d posted in the group about going. I’d planned to bring S along, and get a professional photo of us together. Then I get a message online, from someone I sort-of know. She said that O and Ally were taking the kids to the shoot, and that I should probably know before I turn up. Sure enough, when I check the group, O has confirmed, along with a message saying “he’ll bring the fam”.

There’s no way I could have gone. Not even with Z and S alongside me; no amount of medication could hold me back from giving Ally the slap she earned when she slept with O, knowing he was still engaged to me. I already gave O his slap (I’m not proud, the red mist took over when he told me they’d slept together, just after having sex with me) but I don’t know if I could stand to look him in the eye after all the lies he told me.

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Posted by on April 24, 2012 in Every day life


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14 responses to “I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you

  1. Barefoot Baroness

    April 24, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    I am feeling a bit sad after reading this. I now the giving in thing, deciding t bail in the end is my story too. I work really hard tp push myself tp have an outside life. For me its about comfort. If I’m in pain there is no way.

    Gentlest of hugs~

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 25, 2012 at 2:04 am

      Comfort is exactly it; coping with pain is hard enough without having to force yourself to go outside once in a while. It’s hard to explain to anyone who doesn’t experience it just how difficult it can be. I empathise *gentle hugs back*

    • Laura Barr

      May 3, 2012 at 4:10 am

      The Cure !!!!!!!

  2. strugglingwithbipolar

    April 24, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    I hope you feel better soon. It sounds like those pains are really debilitating. I also understand where you are coming with your feelings about P. I would have panicked myself and bailed – not good, I know, but it’s where I am at this time. Please, be gentle with yourself. It’s ok that you bailed.

    Oh – and I love The Cure. Good title for the post.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 25, 2012 at 2:03 am

      It’s one of my favourites :)

      I find it impossible to cope when someone has feelings for me and I don’t feel the same way. I just go to pieces when I try to deal with it.

  3. judithatwood

    April 24, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Love from six or eight air/mile hours away! I think you were wise not to put yourself in the position of being, at the very best, uncomfortable at the shoot. But if you just happen to run into her somewhere, she needs to be slapped!

    I hope this finds you feeling okay. Love you, Judith

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 25, 2012 at 1:07 am

      Yeah I’m glad I didn’t go; I wouldn’t have enjoyed it, and O ruined too many days of mine to let him destroy another one.

      Much love to you!

  4. plasticbagpoetry

    April 24, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    I love how your are so open and wear your heart well and truely on your sleeve!! Brave, strong and beautiful! Take care

  5. Israel

    April 24, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    Thats totally understandable about O. I am not sure how i would have reacted but it wouldn’t have been good.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 25, 2012 at 12:54 am

      Yeah, it’s not really knowing how I’d react which put me off; I hate violence, and want to stay away from anything which might provoke me.

  6. heidirmoore

    April 25, 2012 at 12:52 am

    Okay, I just have to say that I am completely jealous that you have chronic pain AND manage to have a love life as a single woman. You may just be my personal hero. Clearly the guy was a jerk. But you have moved on…and your life is better because of it. Truthfully, the best slap of all is your moving onwards and upwards and completely ignoring fools like that. I can’t wait to hear what you do next!!

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      April 25, 2012 at 12:53 am

      Oh, it’s not easy having a love life; I’m lucky to have a very patient boyfriend, who doesn’t seem to mind if I need to stay at home or lie in bed most of the day. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with who ‘got it’.

  7. Julie

    April 29, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    I’m aware that you’ve already been given the Very Inspiring Blogger award by others, but your honesty and fortitude to live your life inspire me, and I think that you can never get too much recognition for that kind of thing.


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