Trust

Yesterday, I found out this blog wasn’t quite as private as I’d believed.

Three people in ‘real’ life have the link. That’s it. At least, that’s what I believed. I’ve been very wary with giving the address out, knowing that anonymity is the key to opening up about the things I may not be as happy admitting to in everyday life. There are two definite sides to me; the public face – all jokes and sarcasm and dark humour – and the other side, in which I refuse to hide the difficulties I’ve faced. I don’t like the two to cross over; I’m incredibly picky who gets to know I have BPD, or bulimia, or identity problems, for fear of judgment and being treated like a stereotypical crazy person. I don’t like being the underdog, and have chosen (rightly or wrongly) to pretend I cope in society. I’ve never been one for telling the world that I’ve tried to commit suicide (as Z often does) or flashing my mental illness badge like a trophy.

I’m even wary of admitting that I have fibromyalgia and arthritis, or even that I have chronic pain. I’d like to be more open about it, but I’m tired of being treated with kid gloves and being given useless advice by well-meaning acquaintances.

Yesterday, I learned that at least two other people have been given this blog address. Although I don’t know them personally, I do know them online and they know who I am.

I don’t know whether to feel angry that my wish for privacy was ignored, or saddened that a promise is so hard to keep for some. It’s taken a long time – well over a decade – for me to feel able to trust a small handful of individuals, and I’m wondering if perhaps I was being naive for believing what others say.

I’m 99.9% sure who gave the link out. In fact, I’m 100% sure. Part of me wants to rip into them for being such a total douchebag – this is personal stuff, how would they like it if the darker aspects of their lives were given out for the world to see? – and part of me just wants to set this blog to private.

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23 Comments

  1. I am so sorry to hear that your trust has been broken in this manner.
    I am the same about admitting my difficulties hence my starting my own blog. (Many of my ‘friends’ where shocked when I had to start using my crutches in public, because I couldn’t walk after the festival).
    Take a deep breath and ask them why they did it, They probably meant well.
    My prayers are with you.

  2. I’m so sorry. I can completely relate. No one in “real life” knows I blog, not even my BF. I wanted a place where I don’t feel I have to censor what I say just because of who might possibly be reading it. At the same time, I do know that nothing on the Internet is truly private, and that there’s always a chance someone will figure out who I am, so I’m careful to a certain degree.

    Again, I’m so sorry. I hope you don’t stop posting publicly because I enjoy reading your posts, but I’ll understand completely if you do. I think most of us would.

  3. I’m with notastepmom, take a deep breath and ask why. I would hope they didn’t have malicious intentions. That would be down right cruel! But I understand you completely! We lay it all out there sometimes. If you wanted the world to see it, then you would promote it on other sites. Those that are interested and can lend an ear are welcome.
    If it makes you feel more secure, then make it private. Only those that are following are allowed to see it and viewing must be made by invitation. Do you know if they’re subscribed? If they’re not, you can make it private immediately. Yeah, I would feel violated too!

  4. I completely understand. Like those above and yourself I blog anonymously for that same reason, that I can be completely honest. Only a few “real” people know of it and I chose them very carefully. I would ask whoever did this whether they did and why.

    And if do decide to go private, please let us in. I’d hate to lose you.

  5. Lots of love across the ocean! You know, I hope, that you can be angry and sad at the same time. In fact, you can feel whatever you want to feel. So don’t try to choose, unless you decide you must. Don’t worry about why — why doesn’t mean shit after what they did is done. Whys will get you into questioning if you did something to bring this on. You didn’t. Don’t look back — that’s what whys are, backward-looking. Instead, try to look ahead to the people you’ve met whom you know you can trust, and to what decisions you’ll make the next time this subject comes up. You’ll do it right, because it is strictly up to you.

    If you go private, may I have the password, please? I don’t want to lose you! 8-)

  6. Trust is to be earned, not given freely. And the fact that someone broke your trust is heartbreaking. I hope you are able to get things straightened out. I enjoy your blog, and I would hate for it to disappear. So, hopefully, as a follower I’ll still be able to read it if you go private. But that is your choice and one you shouldn’t have been forced to make. Good luck, thinking of you.

  7. I have the exact safety measures as you. Don’t have the courage or anything much to say so do not have a blog, but lurk about.
    I completely understand why you feel the way you do. But, maybe this is a sign that said 2 people want to know everything about you as they care etc. Yes say that you weren’t ready for them to know certain thing to the 3rd party, i would, but you can’t physically control everything that happens in a public place (the web)
    Loads of soft hugs from 1 fibromite to another

  8. When i made a facebook page i wanted to make it private but it was ‘published’ on my personal fb page without me knowing. Some friends saw it and were supportive but there were people i didn’t want to see it… so i hid the fb page. Staying annonymous is harder that it looks on the internet!

    I agree with the above comments, ask them why. If this blog is for you to let the suffering side of your personality breathe then fuck everyone else and write what you want for whoever reads it. And same as above, if you make your blog private i’d still really like to read it, i’d miss it. xx

  9. I understand your desire to keep your challenges private. Most people do not know that I have bipolar, PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks and other health issues. Like you I don’t want them to treat me like I’m broken so I put on my public mask. But remember that there are many of us out there who struggle as you do and it is nice to know that we are not alone in our pain and frustrations.

    Like the others have said, ask your friend why this was shared when it was known to be private. It may be that this other person has many of the same issues as you do but wears the public face so well that no one knows. If you feel more comfortable making your blog private then do so, of course. But please let me continue to be part of it. I feel that our shared challenges make us friends while the anonymity helps us feel safe. Thinking of you.

  10. Noooo. Don’t make it private. Though I understand how you must feel. I had a blog that became too public for my liking, and I considered making it private too. I didn’t, I just deleted a few posts.

    I don’t want you to have to do the same. But I don’t know what I’d do if I were in your place :/
    Even if you do talk to that friend of yours (please do that btw), it won’t undo the damage.

  11. Hugs and Sympathy. Great comments and advice above.
    Whatever you choose to do, that’s your decision and we will all support you.

    In real life…other people behave badly, and they don’t always do the right thing. It’s really hard to deal with this – but – real life is ugly and mean and cruel sometimes.

    “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” Epictetus (Greek philosopher associated with the Stoics, AD 55-c.135).

  12. I felt the same way at first, well, to a large degree still do. In my case, I still am averse to colleagues knowing because quite frankly ppl who are not personally or emotionally close to you are also those who are least likely to make the effort to understand and the first to judge. It’s hard enough to do what you have to do whilst keeping up the daily persona without having to deal with that as well.

  13. A huge thank-you to everybody who’s commented; I’m too tired at the moment to reply to you all individually, but you know I very much appreciate the support. I’ve decided not to make my blog private; one thing life has taught me is that I can’t let one idiot ruin everything for me.

  14. Recently I changed the email linked to this because I realized it was too easy to google, and I feared that my friends would find out how bad things are for me. I’m sorry that this happened to you because I feel like I need to keep this a secret as well and I know it makes me anxious to think about it getting out. I hope this person will respect your privacy in the future.

    • I suspect they’ll never respect my privacy; in my opinion, they’ve done it once so I don’t trust them to do it again. What worries me is that there’s so much personal stuff here; not just about me, but about my friends and family. It takes one wrong person to get the link for things to be truly messed up for a lot of people. I don’t really care what people know about me, but my friends and family? That’s nobody’s business. I don’t mind randoms on the internet knowing because they have no idea who I am… but these aren’t strangers. They’re members of a forum who’ve seen my photo and know where I live. It’s a horrible thing to do :(

  15. Pingback: In nothing we trust « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

  16. I shared your link w/ my own daughter, because she also is challenged w/ Fibromyalgia. I don’t know if she’s ever come to read your blog or not.

    Is this what you mean by ‘giving the link’ out ………….!?!??! I am just mortified if I’m the one you feel exposed you ……………. My deepest, most heartfelt apologies, if so.

    • Oh, I don’t mind that at all! Don’t worry, you haven’t done anything wrong.

      As I said just then in a comment reply… it’s someone I personally know who’s given the link out; nobody who comments on here. I appreciate checking my stats and realising just how far across the world my blog is reaching; I honestly thought nobody would ever read it, and knowing I may somehow be helping others… well, I can’t ask for anything more. Writing is a hobby for me, and I like getting it out there. I just like to choose my audience ;)

      So again, no you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m sorry about your daughter; fibromyalgia can be a cruel condition. Things can improve though, and I really hope it does for her.

      • Ah, I am so relieved! Glad, very glad, that it’s not anything I’ve done that causes you so much distress. I can understand the sense of betrayal you feel. Sorry it happened to you — is it possible some “good” can come from it, somewhere, sometime? (Hope so:)

        I also share your feelings about writing for yourself, & being amazed that anyone else reads our blogs! It’s nice to know though that what we experience can be of use to someone else, yes?

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