… and I’m feeling good.

I think the Lyrica has stabilised after the settling-down period. I’ve been taking it for two weeks now, and this morning I experienced a little pain; not enough to concern me, but it was noticeable. I’m seeing my GP in a couple of weeks, so I think I’ll have to ask for a higher dose – I’m taking 75mg twice a day, and he said there was a lot of room for raising the dose if I needed it – just to make sure I’m getting the best pain relief I can from it.

Lyrica has already been a blessing. Even on a low dose, the pain has reduced dramatically. My arms don’t ache anymore – and I can lift them above my head for the first time in years – and my thighs no longer feel like somebody’s stabbing them with a blunt spoon when I wake up. The anti-inflammatories are helping with the joint pain more than I expected; my fingers still hurt, but my wrists and ankles don’t feel weak and painful anymore.

Today’s a rest day. The sun’s shining outside, but I’m sitting on my bed, half-typing and half-watching television. The window’s wide open next to me, so I can enjoy the warmth and sunshine without having to sit on the uncomfortable bench in the garden. Yesterday, I sorted clothes to give to charity and helped around the house, clearing my extensive toiletries collection from the overcrowded bathroom and sorting things online for my mother. It’s the first time I’ve slept well on a Sunday night since I can remember – I always feel uncomfortable and alone when I come home from staying with S – and I got up early; around 8am. This morning, I got up even earlier, making a coffee at 7am and settling down to reply to emails. I slept for 11 straight hours last night, and woke up feeling properly awake and ready for the day; no nightmares, no going back to sleep, and no waking that I can remember.

It’s years since I’ve slept properly. It feels like a miracle.

Perhaps it’s all the weed I’ve been smoking recently, but I feel pretty blessed right now. Not in a religious way – I’m not about to suddenly find god – but just in the sense that I have plenty to feel good about right now. For over a decade my life has been a struggle – panic attacks, paranoia, failed relationships, lost friendships, life in the mental health system, unexplained diagnoses – and at this moment in time a lot of stuff is under control, or I’m at least trying. I never used to try; I just accepted my fate. Now… perhaps things can change.

I have S, who is the best boyfriend I’ve ever had by miles. I love him dearly, without jealousy or resentment. I trust him not to hurt me;¬† I’ve never trusted anybody else like that. He makes me happier than I ever thought I could feel, just by smiling at me. I’m far from a novice when it comes to relationships; I’ve been engaged, lived with partners, loved, hated and cried. I’ve had long-term relationships and short disasters. I was with the same person for four years. I know how love feels, and how relationships work… and I love S with all my heart. He’s amazing.

I have pain-relief. Finally, I have something which works. I’m no longer bed-bound for most of the week, and I’m starting to feel I could start achieving something again, after giving up entirely on any idea of a decent future.

Last year, I got my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, after years of ruining relationships and acting in ways I didn’t understand or much like. In truth, I hated myself for lashing out and being so suspicious of everybody; I felt like an awful, obsessive person, one of those women who refuses to ever let a relationship go and boils bunnies in her spare time. Now I know why I react in that way, and I can work on fixing it. I’m already improving.

Finally, I’m really enjoying writing. Loving it. I feel like me again.
.

.

About these ads

48 Comments

  1. I’m very happy for you today, knowing that the Lyrica is helping. I struggle with Major Depressive Disorder and several autoimmune disorders that cause high levels of pain. It is wonderful to have relief from pain and new hope for the future. Good for you!

    • I don’t think enough consideration is given to how depression can cause physical pain; I know it can from experience, and most other depressives seem to have the same symptom. It’s even listed as a symptom in the BMJ (British Medical Journal)… yet it seems to be completely ignored.

      I’m sorry you have to deal with this pain; it’s awful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I suppose I’m now proof somewhat that there can be relief out there. Take care :)

  2. Hello there,
    You just started following my blog so I thought I’d have a look at yours. This is the first thing I’ve read so I don’t know anything about you, but it seems like you’ve had a real breakthrough after a very long battle. I am so happy for you! It’s good to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am in the same stage as you with lyrica. I’ve just started taking it and it’s had a great affect on me, I need to increase the dose but it’s definitely helping the pain.
    Best wishes,
    Katie x
    p.s. Thanks for reading my blog, hope you enjoy future posts. Feel free to comment on anything or add your own experiences in the comments box.

    • Thanks very much Katie, and nice to meet you :) I read a little of your blog last night, and will read more later on. It’s been a very long battle for me; well over a decade, and it’s nice to finally see some light. I’m glad Lyrica is working for you too – it really does seem to be a miracle drug – and let me know how you get on at a higher dose since I’m considering trying the same :)

  3. This is good stuff. Brings a smile to my face. Especially the bit about S and the bit about feeling like you could Achieve something now.

    Someone should give you a hug on my behalf (if you’re okay with that), but till then – *hug* :)

  4. As a fellow veteran in the war of psychosis and mental drama, I just want to encourage you to remain hopeful and keep writing about these little blessings that are uplifting in your life. I know what it means to wake up wondering just how many more times I will have to wake up, and I know the joy of finally finding some help that is making life something much more desirable to be involved with as a fellow human being.

    I love your post! Thanks for sharing.

  5. So glad the Lyrica is working for you. I tried it and it separated my head from my body making my head buzzy and disconnected – eeeehhhh I couldn’t stand the feeling. My body still hurt but I didn’t care because I was so disconnected. I thought how am I gonna deal with this having to work my mon-fri 8-5 job?? I want to be pain free which I was 80% last week during our warm spell, but my body knew rain was coming by Friday which put me on the couch all day Saturday in agony as the rain rolled in Sunday. By Monday I had adjusted back to being a Fibro body in the rain as the intensity settled down into the dull body pain. I’m anxious to follow how your Lyrica experience progresses. I still have mine and have thought about breaking it out during a vacation to see if I can adjust and get past the weird buzzy head.

    • The dizziness did bother me, I admit. I thought it had worn off, but I realise it’s still there, just masked by other stuff most of the time. I always have a weird fuzzy/zombie head anyway because of anti-depressants, so I suppose I’m more used to the feeling than some; I certainly couldn’t work while taking Lyrica, that’s for sure.

      My body knows when rain is coming too; and it hits me like a brick.

      I’ll keep updating about the Lyrica; it seems to still be okay today. I can certainly see a difference between waking up (when it’s worn off) and when it starts working once I’ve taken it. I go from being in a lot of pain, to just a few twinges and aches.

      I wonder if there’s anything out there to counteract the dizziness and fluffy head?

  6. I understand how good it feels to sleep through the night and am very happy for you. It is amazing what we can do when the monster within us is given a name. I’m glad you have a guy in your life who treats you well, loves you for who you are and is deserving of your trust. You are a fabulous lady, welcome back to life.

  7. I’ve been reading your blog. You’ve been through a lot. To borrow a popular saying that people used to say a lot in the late 60s and early 70s, “KEEP ON TRUCKIN’!!!!!” In other words, don’t stop trying, and don’t give up! You’ll feel better. Also, thanks for following my blog at http://shickshinny.com

  8. Hi! Love from misty Maine! I am so happy to hear that you are feeling good! You deserve some relief, and I’m so glad you are finding it! And you don’t need god to feel blessed — I would guess the way you are feeling is the dictionary’s first definition of blessing! I am so glad for you — way to go, sister!

  9. Nina’s version is my favorite version of this song! And yes, relief from chronic pain is good news. I’m glad. I got Tegretol for my facial nerve pain about a month ago, but I don’t know…
    xo

Send me love.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s