I said “see, too beautiful to let you sleep”

“It’s vital to remember who you really are. It’s very important. It isn’t a good idea to rely on other people or things to do it for you, you see. They always get it wrong.”
From Sourcery by Terry Pratchett

According to BBC weather, it’s 21° C and cloudy outside. Sitting in my bedroom with my window flung wide open, sweating like a pig and hating the sun… I beg to differ. I went outside earlier for a cigarette, and after a couple of minutes I could already feel my shoulders and face burning in the heat. I know a lot of my readers are from the USA, and I don’t know if news of the UK’s weather has reached that far but… it’s hot. Very hot. Yesterday was showing 30° outside, and it’s much the same today apart from a breeze coming off the coast.

Don’t get me wrong; I love summer. I love the green trees and being able to wear sandals. I love how the sun brings out my freckles and gives my normally grey face some colour. I don’t tan – natural gingers just burn, and burn badly – but the sun clears my skin up and makes me look healthy; something which doesn’t happen often.

Of course, sunshine also helps with pain; a lot. I love the first warm day of the year, knowing my muscles and joints will calm down for a while and give me some respite. However there’s such a thing as too warm, and this is it. Lyrica and Celebrex don’t seem able to cope with the neck muscle spasms which too much heat brings; last night I was in agony, moody and sweaty and trying to move my head to the side with little success. My head pounded, and my jaw muscles ached every time I opened my mouth. This is the bad side of summer.

So, I’m holed up in my bedroom, drinking cold coffee and wasting time on the internet. My brain feels like it’s melted; fibro-fog ahoy.

I feel guilty. I’ve been invited to a going-away party for somebody I know online, through a local forum. We were supposed to be meeting at 1pm outside an ice-cream parlour in town, but as much as I’d like to, the combination of unexpected pain and fatigue (and general anxiety) have put paid to any plans. I’m too nervous. Too shy. Too self-aware of my weight and looks. Too hot. Too achey.

I could have admitted to that, but I lied. As I always do in these situations. I don’t know why I can’t just admit that I’m not up to socialising; it’s hardly the biggest crime in the world. I just feel ashamed, I suppose. I don’t want to seem weak. I don’t want to be the always-sickly one who never comes out because I’m constantly unwell. I just want to be normal sometimes, and refuse for normal reasons.

I feel so uncomfortable and restless today. Nothing can hold my attention. Sleep is tempting, but I don’t want to ruin the almost-normal sleeping pattern I’ve created since starting Lyrica. I have the first three seasons of ER to watch, but I don’t want to stare at the TV screen. I don’t want to read. I’m happy, but just feeling physically drained by the heat.

As always, the weekend was glorious. I don’t usually write much about my weekends with S; regular readers know we spend a lot of time doing the same things – playing computer games, cooking, reading together – and I don’t want to bore anybody with my relationship. However, this weekend was different. Firstly, I felt something I’ve never felt before. I don’t know what to call it – it’s not love, because I already feel that for S – and I don’t even know how to describe it.

We were lying together on his bed, naked and chatting about little things. His arm was draped over my waist, and our heads were touching, our faces almost totally squashed into each other. We do this a lot, usually after sex; S has never been one for just turning over and falling asleep or getting up to do something else. After sex, he holds me. Every single time. He cuddles me close and we talk. It’s fantastic; something I’ve never had before, and something I was convinced didn’t actually happen outside of Hollywood.

It was like a welling up in my chest. An explosion deep inside me, somewhere I never knew existed. As S’s hand stroked my back, something in me threw out this emotion, daring me to feel it. For the first time in my life, I let the emotion in. I let myself feel something otherwordly for somebody else. I refused to doubt it; and finally spoke my feelings out loud after months of keeping my mouth shut for fear of rejection.

“This may be soft as hell, but you’re the one person I can see spending the rest of my life with. Who I’d want to spend the rest of my life with”.

S settled his head on my shoulder, and I could feel his smile against my skin as he spoke to me:

“You’ll just have to wait ’til I ask you formally, then”.

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44 Comments

  1. I’m so happy for you! I hope things keep going well with S., that the joyful emotions keep flowing and you start feeling more comfortable with letting them in. I know how scary that can be when they’re attached to another person, but they can be so magical and healing in the right circumstances.

    Sorry to hear the heat is slamming you right now. I live in the States, in Virginia and every summer hits us hard like that, so I fully empathize. I’m not a ginger, but I burn like one and generally get uncomfortable and grouchy when temps are high. BOO to excessive heat!

    I also relate to much of what you’ve written about bowing out of social activities. I, too, am a chronic excuse-maker when it comes to socializing. I always worry people will take it wrong or judge me if I’m honest and say, “I don’t have the energy for this today” or “I’m just not up for being social today.” I feel bad that I’m essentially lying, but it seems easier than explaining the truth. I’m also, like you, not comfortable with my weight right now and thus not overly enthusiastic about seeing friends. Oh, the fun we have with our anxieties!

    Take care and good luck with staying cool!

    • I would love to live in a country which has real summers; in NW England we get a few weeks of nice weather, then it rains again and goes back to being dreary. We very rarely get full days of sunshine. I like to think I’d get used to it… do you have air conditioning? In weather like this I’m jealous that it’s pretty much the norm in the States. Here, it’s rarely considered except in big offices.

      • I’m in the NW of the UK as well, an yes I’ll agree with you there I reckon this is our summer come early. That’s what usually happens,lol.. Every1 gets over excited an BBQ’s are happening all over the place then as you said it all ends with a month’s worth of rain in a week.lol.. As for air-con every where is fitted with it in USA we have to do with an elecky fan..
        Anyway I’m new to here as in wordpress or infact blogging in general. Hope you dont mind me following your blog?? and if you’ve any suggestions on improving mine pls let me know..

        Brian

  2. I love the summer and how beautiful lush and green the world looks – however no sun worshipper as such as sitting in it makes me nauseous and gives me a headache.. So, a little summer breeze works wonders…

    Quite new to your blog so really don’t know about S – he sounds lovely as does your description of realising the true emotion of love!

    Anna :o]

    • Although I don’t like my town much, it does look nice in the summer. We have a few parks and fields to sit around in, but it’s just too warm to even consider it. It’s a bit breezy right now, and it’s SO nice.

      S and I have been together for almost eighteen months now. He’s a lab assistant at the local hospital, and we’re planning on moving in together in July. He really is lovely; I couldn’t ask for anything more. I’m a very lucky girl.

      So was that feeling love, you think? I really don’t know; I can’t find the words for it!

  3. Hi, and lots of love from hot, sunny, lovely coastal Maine! I am sorry to hear about the heat affecting you so badly — I love what the sun does to my face, too, since it is pretty pale most of the time. I can’t sit in the sun, but at the edge of the shade is comfortable.

    I am thrilled for you, that you have been able to speak those feelings to S. I know what a monumental step that is — I am happy for you, and very proud of you! Isn’t life odd? If I ever found a man who would hold me after sex, I would not let him go! Good for you, sweetheart!

  4. There has to be a place on Earth where the weather is just right all the time. I wish I could find this place!

    You are a much braver soul than me. I try, but am never able to really let my feelings come out. Been married twenty five years and can’t remember the last time I was able to let my wife inside my feelings. Great to hear of your new found joy! DC

  5. Awww, that sounds so sweet! :)

    It’s been pretty hot over here in Illinois for the past couple of days, too. Perfect weather for moving all my stuff into a new apartment. /sarcasm

    I can definitely relate to lying in order to get out of going to a social gathering. I recently got out of going to a grad party by acting like something came up at the last minute, when in reality I just didn’t feel like going. Part of it was my social anxiety, but the other part was more or less due to the fact that I’ve been wanting to be alone lately so I can pursue my creative endeavors. I feel bad for backing out at the last minute, but I’m going to send a small gift to the girl within the next few days, so I don’t feel as bad about not going.

  6. How special. Hold on to that feeling, store it in a corner of your mind and indulge in it’s gift. And congratulate yourself for feeling safe enough with your beautiful man, being brave enough to be honest and put yourself out there, and sharing yourself with us.
    There’ll be other get-togethers, we make up excuses sometimes to care for other’s feelings, that’s all you did, cared for your friends.
    And seeing as everyone else is talking about the weather, here in the Blue Mountains of Australia, it is currently 7degrees outside, winter is approaching, leaves are changing colour, and I’m wearing mittens as I type. Take care, Nell

  7. I love that. And so pleased about S. Can’t wait for the real question. Onto more mundane things (but things that matter) I can’t cope with heat anymore and I’m sure it is medication. Of course it’s nearly winter here and I’m having trouble coping with cold too. Will I never be satisfied?

  8. Squeee! This makes me so happy – the love, the post-coital laziness, the sunshine.

    I’m a big introvert most of the time as well and when people ask me to do things, I’m more inclined to say no. I’m not particularly mad or depressed – I’d just prefer being alone – but people have a lot of trouble making that distinction. It’s great to hear how you’re settling in nicely right now, kind of like a feather floating softly onto the ground. It seems like you are in a good place, and that makes me feel hopeful for myself as well :)

  9. I also more often than not, lie about there reason for not going out to meet people. I wish we didn’t have to do that. I wish society wouldn’t put so much pressure on us. I wish there wasn’t so much stigma about mental illness, chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. Le sigh.

    On the other hand, the ending of the post is just wonderful! Good for you! :)

  10. That’s beautiful! Thank you for sharing your weekend…I can sense the overwhelming joy and anticipation of coming attractions for your weekends with S. That something to hold on to that feeling….I’ve very happy for you.

Send me love.

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