Today, I told my mother than I will never trust her when it comes to my finances. It’s something I’ve wanted to say since the panic attack on Tuesday, and as much as I know mentioning such things sends us both into emotional meltdown… it needed to be said. I don’t feel good about it – I never do – but she needs to start hearing the truth about the way I feel about her need for control over my life.
The story behind how I found myself in this situation – all my money going into my mother’s bank account – is a long one, and one I’m not really ready to tell. It makes me angry to even think about the years I’ve spent begging for just a tiny piece of independence and having that request thrown back in my face.
I’m in a foul mood today – woke up with a headache which has refused to shift – and I’ve been on the edge of losing it for hours now. I just want a good scream; whenever we try to talk about her taking control, she manages to make me feel like I’m asking too much of her. She makes me feel like this is normal and I’m being unreasonable.
Am I? Am I asking too much? All I want is the money to go into my bank account; something which most other people my age have. Her reasoning? I’ve been in a couple of abusive relationships, and so letting my handle my own money isn’t a good idea because it’ll be taken off me. Never mind that I left those relationships myself, never mind that I was the one to leave the abusive situation – something which I think took a lot of strength and confidence – she insists that I’m easily taken advantage of.
I know I’ve made mistakes in the past. I’ve handed over money for drugs and booze. I’ve given money out when somebody asks for it. Am I the only one, though? I don’t think I am. I’ve learned from those lessons, and all I want is for my own mother to try and trust me a tiny, tiny bit.
Allow me a little whinge here; I know most people think their parents were too over-protective, but the more I look back to my childhood, the more I realise I wasn’t treated like other children. It makes me angry.
Birthday parties? Forget it. Going out with friends? Not allowed. Had my clothes chosen for me. My bedroom decorated how my mother liked it. Banned food – Coke, anything not in a glass bottle, shrink-wrapped food – banned. My mother is still telling me what I should and shouldn’t wear (“that doesn’t suit you, it’s too colourful, I don’t like that fabric, buy this instead”), what to eat (“you can’t have that apple juice unless it comes in glass”), what time to get in (“you won’t be late tonight”), she has to know where I’m going and who with, she asks me who’s calling if my phone rings, tells me to get off my laptop at night, gets me out of bed for no reason, chooses my bedcovers for me, kicks off at the sight of alcohol, refuses to let my friends into the house, and generally makes me feel five years old.
She chose my curtains. My carpet. Rug. Television. Tells me when I can and can’t have my bedroom window open. Gets angry if my light is on after she goes to bed. Shouts if I go to the toilet in the night and accidentally wake her up. Wouldn’t let me choose which bank I used. Took my bank card off me, and now says I must have lost it. I only got my own set of keys a couple of years ago, and I had to beg for those.
I can never be true to myself if she spends her life trying to mold me into her perfect daughter.
judithatwood
May 31, 2012 at 7:55 pm
Love from someone who is very proud of you for taking the first big step!
That is a situation that is likely aggravating your already frayed mind and emotions. You are old enough to have your own money. Can you call the department that sends it out, and see about changing it. You may eventually need to negotiate with your mother, but get the facts first — it may be an easier fix than you think.
All of these symptoms put your mother square in the middle of codependence, which is not surprising for someone who lives with an addict or recovering addict. It’s a hard trap to get loose of, and she is going to feel hurt. But you might decide that enough is enough, tell her you can choose your own clothes, thank you; also decide when the light should go out, when to go to the bathroom, (!!!!!!!), all of the things you listed. She will likely do her best to make you feel like you are the cruelest daughter who ever lived, when she is trying SO HARD to help you. What she is doing is not helping you, but she’s not going to stop until you speak up. I think you are at that place, but you will know when it’s time. Best of luck!
halfwaybetweenthegutter
May 31, 2012 at 8:40 pm
Oh, thank you Judith; I’ve been in an awful mood since waking up, and you’ve managed to give me a big smile, and a bit of confidence that perhaps I’m not overreacting. I often worry about that, since my mother insists I kick off at the slightest thing.
I’ve asked about what needs to be done, asked online about it on finance forums… and all that needs to happen is she needs to tell the bank the money we be paid into my account instead. It’s that simple. She could do it in less than an hour. It’s been over a decade since I first asked, and I honestly don’t believe she’ll ever hand over the control to me. The older I get, the less I believe she’ll ever do it, and the more I realise I’m possibly going to have to go to court over it.
She’s my mother and she has issues. I don’t want to do that to her.
judithatwood
May 31, 2012 at 8:59 pm
Before you consider going to court, try calling the agency and talking to someone there. I’d bet they’ve seen this millions of times, and helped people out of it. The internet is good for information, but what you need is an intervention, and that can only be done by a live person. I’m sending good vibes and all kinds of love your way — and remember, you don’t have to do anything unless and until it feels right. You are not being mean, or cruel, or rejecting her help. You need to be an adult, and handling your own money is one way to start that process.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 1, 2012 at 1:17 am
Thank you. It helps me a lot to know somebody is on my side!
SummerSolsticeGirl
May 31, 2012 at 9:12 pm
Independence -financial or any other kind, is crucial to yours (anyone’s) healing process. A human being that is not allowed to make mistakes and/or learn from their mistakes will never be emotionally grown up.
Good for you for speaking up. I sincerely hope you don’t have to go to court for it but in the end, if that’s what it takes, then that’s what it takes. Sure, she’ll be mighty hurt, but hopefully she’ll eventually understand that she needs to learn to let go of you. That you’re a woman and you need freedom to become the person you should be.
Note: as a mother myself, I understand the need to protect our children from pain and suffering but OVERPROTECTING them only hurts them even more.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 1, 2012 at 1:19 am
“A human being that is not allowed to make mistakes and/or learn from their mistakes will never be emotionally grown up.”
I’ve said these exact words to her, over and over. In a way I can’t exactly blame her; any time I’ve been allowed to make mistakes, I’ve made HUGE ones. Still, the only way I can progress through life is by learning – it’s how anybody gets on – and I wish she could see that. I may not have enjoyed the mistakes I’ve made, but I’ve learned very strong lessons from them.
SummerSolsticeGirl
June 1, 2012 at 7:28 am
boy, that’s a tough one. Wish there was an easy answer for you.
All the best. I’ll be sending you positive vibes
fringewalk
May 31, 2012 at 9:13 pm
Well done for being strong enough to leave those relationships! Not easy.
I see that she is trying to protect you, but this relationship with your mum is abusive, in my opinion, because she is controlling to the point where it is stunting your development.
Yes, you’ve made mistakes, but you seem to be aware of them, you seem like you’ve learnt from them. No way of knowing if she won’t allow you to test out responsibility again. Even if you do fail again (which doesn’t seem likely) – still YOUR mistakes, YOUR life.
Can you speak to your mum. She obv loves you, even if it is a bit dysfunctional, and it would be better for both of you if you can sort this nicely.
Is there some way she could give you a bit more responsibility each week, until eventually you are responsible for your own finances?
Is it that she needs to feel needed? Can you reassure her in someway?
If not, call the bank, get new bank cards, new pin numbers, have the money paid into new account. If she won’t give you back power in your own life, take it.
Best wishes
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 1, 2012 at 1:24 am
Thank you, Fringewalk. I’ve occasionally spoken a little to counsellors about my mother, and they do suggest that it’s an abusive relationship… I just find it hard to call it that, when she also does so many great things for me.
I’ve tried speaking to her in a calm way, but she inevitably blows up and starts getting defensive. Unfortuntely it’s not as simple as changing accounts
She has to give permission to sign the money over, and it’s impossible getting her to agree to do so.
I do think she feels needed. I’ve tried reassuring her, but I don’t think I do it properly :/ I’m too prone to lashing out.
manicmacca
May 31, 2012 at 9:19 pm
i dont like seeing you like this,, you need to tell your mother straight. No matter how much it hurts ,the words need saying. Your a big girl now an its time you took control. I myself have been stupid over cash especially when I’ve been manic but I’m now managing to save up for a nice holiday.. I thinks she’s being overprotective to the point of being a control freak. I’m sorry I know its your mum but somethings gotta give hunni.. other than that i hope your ok an well speak again soon.. take care and good luck .. Brian
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 1, 2012 at 1:25 am
Cheers Brian. It’s great you’re saving for a holiday – I have huuuge problems saving money – where are you planning on going?
manicmacca
June 1, 2012 at 2:14 pm
your welcome hun, as for saving I’ve also had massive problems in the past. I got so bad that I was declared Bankrupt last year, but onwards and upwards I say. Were heading to sunny Florida sept 2013. All i can suggest and its worked for me Is decide what you WANT and dont let anything get in your way. Trust me its tempting to go on a spending spree but then I just think of what Ill lose out on.. Hope your ok today an it goes without saying, if you ever just want to chat you know were I am.. take care hun.. xxxx
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 1, 2012 at 3:06 pm
See, I’m not too bad with spending. I do sometimes have to borrow the odd ten or twenty pounds from my mum, sometimes more, but I always pay it back within a week or so. Have an amazing time in Florida!
carlarenee45
May 31, 2012 at 9:42 pm
my parents have spent my whole life controling me with money. I know how you feel. It is not good at all for you mentally. It is one of the reasons I had a breakdown.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 1, 2012 at 1:27 am
((hug))
I can attribute one breakdown to my mother. I’d never tell her so – she’s too fragile – but I eventually cracked when I couldn’t take the pressure anymore, and took an overdose. I really feel for you; having your money controlled is horrible
carlarenee45
June 1, 2012 at 3:55 am
you know you are the first person I have came across that has been through this too. It is really hard for people to understand how a person could “let” this kind of thing happen if they haven’t been there themselves (((hug)))
coloradobound724
May 31, 2012 at 9:52 pm
I totally feel for you. And didn’t I read somewhere that you are in your 20s? I had to move over 1,000 miles away to get out from under my mother’s thumb. Even then she still tried to control me, and I was 24-25 and had been married for 5-6 years!!! I know it is not always viable to leave, especially with her controlling your money. If only she knew what she was doing to you. She’s driving you away, and who knows how you will feel about her when this is all over with. I haven’t spoken to my mother in 2 1/2 years. I’ve emailed with her a little, but I basically have no contact with my family because of how they treated me. Your mother will miss knowing you and spending time with you if she continues. She will grow to regret what she has done to you very much. I wish you all the best and hope you will find yourself in a better situation very soon.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 1, 2012 at 1:29 am
Yup, I’m 27. Thanks so much for this comment; it’s given me a lot to think about. Is it Colorado you moved to? I’ve often considered moving a long way away, but in truth I don’t think I could do it; I don’t have the guts, and I know she needs me. My boyfriend and I have been chatting about moving to the south of France in the future if we ever have enough money… and I know I’ll be horrible leaving my mother. My other siblings rarely help out.
I’m so sorry you’ve gone through a similar thing; I’m terrified of ending up with an email relationship with my own mother, but sometimes she makes me so angry that I can’t even look at her.
coloradobound724
June 1, 2012 at 1:02 pm
I actually moved from Virginia to Arkansas. My husband and I are moving to Colorado at the end of the year. It was initially hard for me to leave my family. I still wanted their love and acceptance. I finally had to realize that if I wanted my marriage to work, and if I wanted any semblance of sanity then I needed to get away from her. It turned out to be one of the best things I’ve done.
columbibueno
May 31, 2012 at 10:12 pm
Good luck.
Go to the bathroom when you want, take down those curtains and put up your own, wear what you want. If she reacts, smile. Say, I like these better. About the bathroom, ignore her. Leave her presence, let her be in her own silence, let her have a little talk with Herself. The more you take independent action without worrying about her reaction, the more she’ll understand that the old conversation is OVER.
Tell her that you want your money in your own bank account, then leave the room. Don’t engage any further.
It’s funny how people begin to change when you stop engaging them in recycling patterns. Don’t defend yourself, don’t explain, don’t complain. TAKE ACTION.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 1, 2012 at 1:30 am
Thanks Columbibueno, I’ll certainly take the advice on board. I do try leaving the room but she follows me; if I close my bedroom door, she’ll walk in. That’s why I’ve often just walked out of the house instead of dealing with her.
gypsy116
May 31, 2012 at 10:15 pm
Ive nominated you for the reader appreciation award, http://gypsy116.wordpress.com/2012/05/31/reader-appreciation/
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 1, 2012 at 1:31 am
Aw, thank you luv <3 I'll check it out ASAP.
gypsy116
June 1, 2012 at 8:47 pm
Youre welcome
magicallymad
May 31, 2012 at 11:03 pm
This does not sound fun. Sorry hon! ((Big hugs))
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 1, 2012 at 1:32 am
((hugs back)) Thanks Magicallymad <3
Skye
June 1, 2012 at 4:49 am
Great comments here from Fringewalk & columbibueno, IMHO. Her’s the deal as I see it, your mom isn’t so much as in fear for what you might do when you are independant (note the “when” *wink*), but in fear for herself when SHE is independant. Which is kind of sad, but it is NOT yours to heal or take on.
Just like you, & all of us, have learned & grown by making awful, dumbass mistakes, she is going to have to grow into a more self-trusting version of herself. As long as she controls every nitty aspect of your life, she doesn’t have to examine hers.
But we all have to do that.
She is hurting you & hurting herself by being controlling to the point of abuse.
And, as you have already experienced, when we have had enough from our abuser~~even when we love them~~the best thing to do is exuent stage left.
When you & S. are ready for France: go!!! This is your wild, sweet & precious life. Live it for all it’s worth!
Sending love & strong juju through the airwaves.
NZ Cate
June 1, 2012 at 7:48 am
There’s some great comments above and I just want to add that you’re amazing to have got yourself through 27 years of this. That’s huge. I really hope that somehow you can take that independence for yourself. It will be such a good feeling when it happens. Hopefully soon but I kow there will be lots for you to work through, aside from the practicalities. The emotional side is big but it’s so worth fighting through to get your life to be your own. Hugs. xx
hypercryptical
June 1, 2012 at 10:04 am
Awkward situation to extricate yourself from, unless your mother has financial guardianship isn’t it as simple as sending details of your account to the benefit agency who will then change details on their comp?
Reading your post suggest a mum who indeed seeks the perfect daughter (but you will never be perfect enough for her) and will not allow you to grow up and take control of your own life. There does appear to be codependence here…
You say you have made mistakes in the past – but haven’t we all? Making mistakes is part of life education – something to be learned from.
I am quite new here and feel I haven’t earned the right to say more, condensed thoughts however lead me ask if life would not be so fraught with difficulty if you moved out…
Kind regards Anna
]
ryoko861
June 1, 2012 at 1:37 pm
She definitely has control issues. She has to let your grow up! We’ve all made mistakes in life (I could write a fucking book about mine) but we must pick ourselves up and carry on and learn from them.
Is there anyway you could open a bank account in just YOUR name? This way she can’t get her hands on ANY of your money.
I know how you feel. Confined. Trapped. You’re a big girl now and mom has to understand. Granted you have health issues, but this is something you have to contend with in life and manage on your own along with the regular things in life. She means well, but she has to let go.
The Quiet Borderline
June 1, 2012 at 3:17 pm
I hope you’re feeing better today.
Have a nice weekend.
My Ox is a Moron
June 1, 2012 at 9:40 pm
You should be very proud of yourself. I know how hard it is but your are asserting yourself and that is important. Just keep telling your mother how much you love her she needs the reassurance.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Thank you <3
I find it difficult to tell my mother I love her. She doesn't tell me, so it feels unnatural.
My Ox is a Moron
June 5, 2012 at 7:01 pm
Words may not be necessary. A simple thank you when she does something kind. A wild flower. Do something that makes her smile. It is the little gestures that speak so much louder than those three words, “I love you.”
mariner2mother
June 2, 2012 at 1:57 am
My heart goes out to you. Your mother is definitely not ok, and her need to control you is more than unbalanced. I applaud you for making it day to day, in spite of her. Are you asking too much to have your money go into your bank account? Of course not! As a mother myself, I understand her wanting to protect you, but it sounds like what she is doing is not healthy at all.
My mother is bipolar, and now that my father is dead, my brother and I are on her bank account, only to make sure her bills get paid (she gets confused now and then), and to watch her spending (we can see when she’s becoming too manic when she spends large sums regularly). Our goal is to protect and keep our mother well- not to control her.
You do know, don’t you, that when someone feels the need to control another person this much, it speaks volumes to how messed up they are inside? Can you talk to a counselor about this money situation- about how to handle your mother, very specifically?
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm
I’ve pondered for a little over how to reply to this… seeing so many people actually getting my side of things is a new one to me; usually it’s just me against my mother and I end up convinced I’m the one behaving like a stubborn brat and asking for too much. So thank you mariner2mother, you’ve given me a lot to think about.
I can understand why you and your brother have access to her account. I just wish she’d at least let us have joint access, instead of having total control.
I don’t know about talking to a counsellor. It would take so long to get an appointment (I’ve waited eight months before now) but I do know I need some sort of outside advice.
mariner2mother
June 6, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Sending a big cyber hug of support.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 6, 2012 at 5:56 pm
Thanks luv x
faithhopechocolate
June 2, 2012 at 2:34 pm
Ugh, how horrible. One possible solution – which may make things worse – is to tell your mother that you’ll just go and get yourself a new bank account and then take the a/c no & sort code to the benefits people and give them your new details, so that your money is going to you. If you have no responsibility for yourself, you’ll never learn to have responsibility for yourself.
I’m reminded of an episode of “Bones” where the OCD mother killed her OCD child because he had managed to break free of his OCD behaviour.
alittlecoconut
June 4, 2012 at 11:53 am
You and I are in two very different situations, but we come from very similar places and it kind of astounds me when I read your blog. I was brought up with the same control issues and my mum was the reason I ran away from home as a teenager. We speak now, but we’ll never be on “good” terms because of all the things she did to control me – some of which you’ve listed.
As far as you being made to feel tiny and unreasonable, my family does the same thing. They dismiss their actions ALL the time by flippantly telling me I take everything the wrong way.
I’m proud of you for being able to say something about the financial control issue. What she’s doing is no different to your previous boyfriends.. Actually, it’s worse because at least you were making your own choices about your money back then. She’s not even allowing you THAT. And you’re right – we DO learn from these things. I supported my ex and stupidly gave him money for booze when we could barely afford food because he guilted me into it – but I’ve learned from that and would never make the same mistake again. Sometimes, our parents don’t give us enough credit and it’s frustrating xx
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 5, 2012 at 2:33 pm
“As far as you being made to feel tiny and unreasonable, my family does the same thing. They dismiss their actions ALL the time by flippantly telling me I take everything the wrong way.”
Oh, this I understand all too well. I’ve heard “you’re oversensitive” far too many times. Sometimes I become convinced I’m the worst daughter in the world for misunderstanding everything, but over the years I’ve learned that nobody else accuses me of taking things too personally – if anything, my friends say I’m very easygoing – but for some reason my mother truly believes that everything I say and do is related to some sort of condition or mental illness. As though I don’t have my own mind.
We do learn from things like this, and I wish parents could accept that. I know I’m not a parent so maybe I’m speaking entirely out of turn, but life is supposed to be about learning from mistakes, surely? You’ll never learn if you never mess up. x
Little L
June 4, 2012 at 3:12 pm
Bless your heart. How wonderful that you are breaking the cycle and mom will benefit in the long run of having this family system taken apart…its not serving either of you well. Yes, you should have your own money and independence and what a sign of healing that you want it….keeping you in my thoughts….
Tallulah "Lulu" Stark
June 6, 2012 at 4:02 am
I am a firm believer in giving kids space to grow. I’m a mother, and it’s painful to watch my kid make what I would normally consider unnecessary mistakes. But guess what? He has to learn somehow. Without that space, kids become too reliant on other people to make choices for them. They become adults who can’t make choices because they’ve never had to. I would know. I ended up in the same position myself.
I’m glad you stood your ground with your mother. She needs to give you freedom and space to grow and learn. I’m sure she has good intentions as most mothers do, but there is a such thing as “killing with kindness”.
Tallulah "Lulu" Stark
June 6, 2012 at 4:04 am
And I forgot to hit the notify. Duh.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 6, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Killing with kindness indeed. I know she has good intentions, but sometimes I wish she’d just stop shouting and listen to what I’m saying. Even if she thinks it’s just down to being crazy… she should listen.
“He has to learn somehow. Without that space, kids become too reliant on other people to make choices for them. They become adults who can’t make choices because they’ve never had to.”
You’ve hit the nail right on the head there. I could never say it to my mother, but I do blame her need for control and wrapping me in cotton wool on my ending up in abusive relationships. I needed somebody else to control me, because control was all I ever knew. Because she made all my decisons for me, I let men decide my life.
Tallulah "Lulu" Stark
June 6, 2012 at 7:51 pm
I had a problem where I let men dictate my life and it got me into some bad positions. Well, I can’t say I had the problem, because I still let a man dictate some of my life. My husband has a lot of say. But, I wouldn’t call it a problem in this situation. We’re pretty co-dependent (in a good way).
My parents did everything in the world to bubble wrap me. It just inspired me to try a little harder and push the limits further. They went to the point of abusive about it, locking me up in my room in severe isolation for extended periods of time, and verbally abusing me. It was all an attempt to deter me from my behavior, but instead it made it worse.
By the time I was 17, my parents decided they were finally done parenting me. At first, I was terrified of the world. After nothing apocalyptic happened to me, as predicted by my parents, I went off the deep end. There was no one to stop me, and I absolutely believed I was impervious to harm and above the rules (partially because of bipolar hypomanias, I’m sure).
By the time I was 21, I had been through one abusive relationship and was deeply in the midst of another one. This time, it was worse. Yeah, I finished the first part of college (associates), but I had no higher aspirations than working retail. I had a full-blown substance abuse disorder (alcohol) and couldn’t remain monogamous, even if I wanted to.
I have a really unsavory past. I should probably do a post on it.
And why is all of this? I have no idea. But, now that you’ve brought up the smothering thing, I can definitely see that was an issue. I have always been able to see that I’ve always been a part of toxic relationships as I grew up, so it seemed like the “norm” to me. And lastly, there was a small part of me that wanted to spite them for all that had happened.
You know what it took for me to finally get out? One person who believed in me. One person who could see beyond all of the BS I projected into the real me. My husband, a very long time friend at the time, could see beyond the alcohol, the self-destruction, and victim mentality. And he convinced me that I was my own person that could stand on my own.
You know, I’ve always wondered why even when I’m falling apart, I’m still not completely coming undone. I swear, it has to do with him. It’s as if his expectation for me to maintain myself is the one thing that stands between me and complete self-destruction.
Hmmm, something to think about.
I know you’d never say that in those words. But, it might be best if you find another way to communicate that to her. Maybe the two of you could come to an agreement on how to get you to a point where you are self-sufficient and reliable in making sound choices.
That’s what I try to teach my older groups, like fourth and fifth. I give them room to make their choice, whether it is the correct choice or a mistake. Whether they know it is the wrong choice or not. It’s still their choice. And, if they make the wrong choice, I step in and help them see the error, and then face the consequences. Natural consequences – for instance, taunting a kid older than yourself might get you in hot water. I’m not going to step in between at first. It’s up to them to know how to conduct themselves, especially in social situations. (That’s why when one of my kids got sat on, and then chased off, with his seat stolen by an eighth grader, I let it happen. No one was physically hurt, though the younger kid learned his lesson. The eighth grader was a good sport, though.)
Here’s the problem that women like you and I face after we have been emotionally and socially stunted. There are more than enough people out there that are eager to steal someone else’s life and control it for their own gain. We may think of it as sociopathy, but in reality, it’s just the con-man game. We walk out there, naive and fresh faced, only to be battered at the first opportunity. How do we respond? With the same extreme intensity we were attacked at. Shutting people out, cutting people off, and finding blame with ourselves.
Isolation and self-depreciation. The two personality traits that invite predators. And it perpetuates from there.
How do we fix it? I’m still working on that! I’ll let you know when and if I get there!
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 7, 2012 at 12:15 pm
I also let men dictate my life; down to the smallest thing. It felt almost comfortable because I’d been told what to do since childhood anyway.
“You know what it took for me to finally get out? One person who believed in me. One person who could see beyond all of the BS I projected into the real me. My husband, a very long time friend at the time, could see beyond the alcohol, the self-destruction, and victim mentality. And he convinced me that I was my own person that could stand on my own.
You know, I’ve always wondered why even when I’m falling apart, I’m still not completely coming undone. I swear, it has to do with him. It’s as if his expectation for me to maintain myself is the one thing that stands between me and complete self-destruction.”
Reading this is like reading my own story. S is the only man who has ever seen through it all; the drugs, the self-harm, the fear and panic. He’s seen right through it, shoved it aside and got straight through to the real me. I assume nobody else wanted to, but he seems to actually value the person I am inside, rather than despise the persona I created through depression and BPD. It makes a world of difference. I understand fully what you mwan by not completely coming undone. S has never put expectations on me, but I know he wants me to cope and deal with life in healthier ways, and that spurs me on to deal with my issues. Before meeting him, I had no desire to improve anything.
“My parents did everything in the world to bubble wrap me. It just inspired me to try a little harder and push the limits further. They went to the point of abusive about it, locking me up in my room in severe isolation for extended periods of time, and verbally abusing me. It was all an attempt to deter me from my behavior, but instead it made it worse.”
Again, spot on! We’re eerily similar. I had a lock on the outside of my bedroom door, and although it was rarely used, even knowing it was there made my behaviour worse. My mother often locked the front door and hid the keys so I couldn’t get out, which was almost-acceptable when I was a wayward thirteen year old, but far from acceptable when I hit my twenties and it still happened. I can remember trashing the bathroom – throwing things and trying to crack the sink – just because I was so desperate to go out and meet friends, but I wasn’t allowed. I must have been sixteen or seventeen. I flipped; the isolation broke me. My mother was trying to protect me, but I just withdrew further into my own addled mind and let psychosis take over.
“By the time I was 17, my parents decided they were finally done parenting me. At first, I was terrified of the world. After nothing apocalyptic happened to me, as predicted by my parents, I went off the deep end. There was no one to stop me, and I absolutely believed I was impervious to harm and above the rules (partially because of bipolar hypomanias, I’m sure).
By the time I was 21, I had been through one abusive relationship and was deeply in the midst of another one. This time, it was worse. Yeah, I finished the first part of college (associates), but I had no higher aspirations than working retail. I had a full-blown substance abuse disorder (alcohol) and couldn’t remain monogamous, even if I wanted to.”
This is where we differ, but too many things are still the same. My mother never decided to stop parenting me, to the point where I was still being told to get home by 11pm and who I could be friends with when I was well into my mid-twenties. I only got my own key a few years ago, which I thought meant freedom but nothing really changed. As for going off the deep end… I did the same thing. For different reasons maybe. Like you, I believed I couldn’t be harmed; I don’t know if that was psychosis or what; I just felt like I could do anything and nobody could ever hurt me. Of course, I got hurt a lot. I got harmed, and it brought me back down to earth with a bump when it was finally all over. By this time I was abusing painkillers and alcohol, sleeping with men on the first date (or after no date at all) just for the affection, grabbing onto relationships even though they were abusive just so I wouldn’t be alone… I was a mess, and had the bruises to prove it.
“Here’s the problem that women like you and I face after we have been emotionally and socially stunted. There are more than enough people out there that are eager to steal someone else’s life and control it for their own gain. We may think of it as sociopathy, but in reality, it’s just the con-man game. We walk out there, naive and fresh faced, only to be battered at the first opportunity. How do we respond? With the same extreme intensity we were attacked at. Shutting people out, cutting people off, and finding blame with ourselves.”
Amen to that; you’ve truly nailed it. I’ve let so many people take advantage of me; for sex, for money, for attention, for drugs – and each time all I wanted was to be cared for. I just wanted somebody to love me. I thought they did, and it’s only afterwards I could see that they were controlling me. I was no angel; I controlled too.. but I was sick. They had no excuse other than being cruel. That’s what I can’t accept; that people would be so cruel. And yes, I withdrew and took it all out on myself.
As for fixing it… I’m not sure you ever truly can. I know I’ll never let S take advantage of me, but if he left me… what then? Would I just go back to abusive relationships and toxic friendships? Probably. It’s all I ever knew.
laurajaneroche
June 10, 2012 at 6:56 pm
I’ve only known you a short time through your blogs, but I think you have come a long way already in terms of moving on from negative events in the past. I think you are very self aware and can see exactly why you feel the way you do. The insights you have into the relationship with your Mother are amazing. I wonder if you are this clued up now, how fantastic would you be if you were able to release yourself from the control she has over you? It’s all about timing and confidence and you seem to be well on the way towards both. I think once you have moved out you will see a huge difference in your relationship with her. You can only manage your own emotions, not hers as well. I think it is great that you have such a balanced view of her and can see that sometimes she does mean well and wants to help. From what I’ve read, she doesn’t seem to set out to hurt you, although the fact she doesn’t take responsibility for her emotions really doesn’t help. I don’t think it is right that counsellors have described it as an ‘abusive’ relationship. Maybe it would be better to call it ‘unhealthy’? You seem to have a very strong identity which comes across in a positive way on your blog. If you can manifest that, living under such oppressive conditions you won’t know yourself when faced with your own independence and a supportive boyfriend. Don’t think about S leaving you. There is no evidence for that, or that you would go back to abusive relationships either. It’s a lifelong journey sorting out shit like this, as I can empathise with having gone through loads of crap myself. I think you are further on than you realise.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
June 12, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Thank you so much Laura, your comment really does mean a lot to me. I know I spend a lot of time complaining and whining about pain and mothers and other problems, but to know somebody sees improvement… that’s all I need to hear. I started writing about my life to try and move on from the past, and to hear that perhaps it’s working… you have no idea how big my smile is right now.
It’s taken me a long time to get a balanced view of my mother, and I still mess up sometimes and loathe her for no real reason. I guess I’m still a teenager in my mind. I’ve moved out before, and our relationship improved a lot; it’s one of the reasons why I’m so desperate to get a place with S. Living with S will hopefully be amazing (as you say, there’s no evidence for him leaving me) and I know I’ll feel less constricted in my relationship with my mother and we’ll be able to spend far more time apart. We’re too alike to ever get on in the same house.
Again, thank you. A lot.