For all that has happened in my life, I have always hung on to the idea of love. Perhaps not the feeling – I’ve cradled a lot of bitterness over the years – but I’ve never allowed myself to give up on romantic love existing somewhere. I’ve watched couple after couple break up, seen the horrible ways some of my generation treat each other, and had my heart broken constantly since I was fourteen by boys who cheat and men who use cruel words and fists to express their opinions. I’ve stumbled from relationship to relationship, trailing grief and bad decisions like a cross across my back, determined to find somebody who understands me despite my ability to ruin everything no matter what I try.
I’ve been jealous and angry. Although I can never forgive O for cheating on me – and getting her pregnant when we were still sleeping together, while I was still wearing the engagement ring – I know I caused a lot of the grief between us. I’ve never been brilliant at coping in relationships, and I jumped in far too early, determined to cling to something safe. Thing is, I never chose the safe options, and it was easy to let everything snowball once I decided I was always going to be somebody who chose the damaged ones because I was so damaged myself.
Then S came along. And now I’m sitting here, hours after starting this post, finding it impossible to put into words just how happy he makes me. I can’t possibly describe how wonderfully the weekend went, or how happy I am that – despite everything else – I have somebody like him.
I wanted to write about love, and how it’s shaped me. But I’ll just leave it here:
S is the best thing to ever happen to me, and he’s the reason why I want to get better. Not for him, but because I know harming myself in any way is something I just can’t put him through, and in his own gentle way, he’s taught me that life doesn’t have to be about rolling from one failure to another. I now know that how I feel extends beyond myself, and I can’t go around messing up other’s lives just because something is wrong in my head and needs fixing.
I love him. I adore him. If I ever lost him, I don’t know what I’d do.
The Wandering Mind
July 23, 2012 at 5:04 pm
I’m glad you’ve found someone that makes you happy.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 23, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Thanks, The Wandering Mind, I appreciate the comment
xojmo
July 23, 2012 at 5:50 pm
So much of what you say and write really does remind me of well…me. But unlike you I haven’t found happiness with anyone yet. But I too hold on to the idea of love and hopefully finding it. BUT having said that, you know exactly what you would do if you “lost him.” You would continue on. Please do not put all your happy eggs in that basket. Love being in love and being in love with him, but do not give him power like that over you.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 23, 2012 at 6:47 pm
I know I’d continue on… I’d not leaning on him the way I did with my exes. It’s just good knowing that he’ll always cheer me up, no matter what. He’s never failed at it, and we haven’t argued once in eighteen months. He’s my best friend, you know?
Jacqui Talbot
July 23, 2012 at 6:10 pm
As lucky as you are to have found S, I believe he is just as lucky to have found you. Remember that, and revel in the good days so you’ll have strength to get through the bad ones.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 23, 2012 at 6:46 pm
<3 Thank you. I adore the good days, when they're good, they're really good.
stuff I said
July 23, 2012 at 6:17 pm
I am so glad you have S, your lighthouse in a storm. Remember he is just as lucky to have you.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Thank you
He really is my lighthouse, although he’d never know it. I tell him how much he helps me, but I don’t think he really knows just how much he’s got me through.
britneyana
July 23, 2012 at 6:21 pm
Just remember that for every great man, there is an even greater woman behind him. You don’t need a man, you might need retail therapy and a vodka, but you can live without a guy.
I am so glad you have found a wonderful man! I look forward to the day where I meet a guy as terrific as you make yours sound!
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 23, 2012 at 6:44 pm
Oh, I remember! When I split with my last boyfriend, I was single for a while. I know I can live on my own… I just wonder how I’d take it if something happened to S. I know I shouldn’t think like that.
If S is out there for me, somebody has to be waiting for you, I really believe that
I found that once you stop looking, something happens.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 23, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Oh, and vodka never worked for me; never liked the taste. A good nail-varnish spree can put me in a good mood for days though!
ryoko861
July 23, 2012 at 10:06 pm
Having someone that makes you feel happy and loved is so important and I’m so happy you’ve got S! Does my heart good to see you happy! You deserve it!
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 24, 2012 at 11:23 am
Thank you luv. The weekend… oh, it was amazing. I need to write about it, just because it was so wonderful.
artyelf
July 23, 2012 at 10:12 pm
How very, very beautiful.
S is lucky to have you in his life! ♡
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 24, 2012 at 11:23 am
Aw, thank you! He says he is, so I’ll choose to believe him.
Bats
July 23, 2012 at 11:30 pm
sweet
so happy you’re happy.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 24, 2012 at 11:23 am
My Ox is a Moron
July 24, 2012 at 3:50 am
You deserve happiness sweet.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 24, 2012 at 11:37 am
Thank you luv. I hope so.
shermeekaflies
July 24, 2012 at 4:47 am
Hey!
I nominated you for the Very Inspirational Blogger Award: http://thepossibleworld.wordpress.com/2012/07/24/the-very-inspirational-blogger-award-31/
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 24, 2012 at 11:40 am
Aw! Thank you babe
I’ll check it out as soon as x
Hawkruh
July 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm
I have a love like that … Yet sometimes I just dont know why I hurt myself. He’s learned that it’s not about him thought and that helps.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 25, 2012 at 9:18 am
I realised a while ago that I’ll probably know why I hurt myself… I did assume I’d stop when I found somebody like S, but reality didn’t work out like that. Do you find that having such an amazing love helps, though?
Hawkruh
July 26, 2012 at 5:36 am
I thought it would, but unfortunately it doesn’t. I am glad that he seems to finally understand that I’m not doing it to hurt him and he no longer responds to it. I believe (trying not to use the word assume) that it’s because he knows the struggle is between me and myself and not to get attention from him. And that belief would be correct. If it is correct, then I don’t feel so much shame. I don’t know, he doesn’t talk to me about it. The one positive step he has made is that when I break into tears, he no longer asks what is wrong. He asks why I am crying. That change was HUGE and meant a lot to me. Nothing was usually wrong. But I can usually identify what I am crying about. It’s taken 30 years to get this far. Thank God he loves me!
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 27, 2012 at 11:49 am
I’m glad he finally gets it; I think that’s such an important thing in relationships. The other partner blaming themselves can be heartbreaking for both.
And I get it totally about nothing ever being wrong. I rarely get upset when I’m with S (I know that’ll change when we move in together) but the few times I’ve cried, he’s been SO supportive, just putting his arm around me and letting me cry. He knows I’ll come out of it eventually, and just need someone to be close and let me know I’m not alone. It sounds like you’ve got something similar, and I’m glad about that. You’re doing so well luv, keep it up
The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital)
July 24, 2012 at 5:37 pm
So glad that you are happy now and have found your partner for life – I hope that you continue on making strides and strides and continued happiness.
All the best.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 25, 2012 at 9:20 am
Partner for life? I admit, I hope so. I’m just wary of believing that entirely in case anything bad happens. Still, I know I’ve achieved something good by getting this far with him
Thanks, luv.
rachelmiller1511
July 24, 2012 at 10:06 pm
Aww, how wonderful! I love being loved-up. Enjoy every second!
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 25, 2012 at 9:42 am
I am! It’s a feeling I’ve never really had before – love without jealousy or restrictions – and every moment feels wonderful. Thanks, Rachel!
judithatwood
July 25, 2012 at 12:47 am
Love from a soaking wet Maine! This post makes me so happy!!! ❤
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 25, 2012 at 9:53 am
It’s wet here too, but that’s no real difference! We had a gloriously sunny and hot weekend though. Thanks Judith
judithatwood
July 25, 2012 at 5:37 pm
April
July 25, 2012 at 4:28 am
You are glorious, and you deserve this. I am genuinely happy for you, which you know means something because I am a proud and selfish bitch and being happy for other people is normally such a tedious bore.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 25, 2012 at 9:55 am
You may be a bitch, but you’re a wonderful one. Don’t dare change, mmmkay?
Unconfirmed Bachelorette
July 31, 2012 at 4:28 am
You and S give me hope. Lovely to read this.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
July 31, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Thank you <3