Love.

For all that has happened in my life, I have always hung on to the idea of love. Perhaps not the feeling – I’ve cradled a lot of bitterness over the years – but I’ve never allowed myself to give up on romantic love existing somewhere. I’ve watched couple after couple break up, seen the horrible ways some of my generation treat each other, and had my heart broken constantly since I was fourteen by boys who cheat and men who use cruel words and fists to express their opinions. I’ve stumbled from relationship to relationship, trailing grief and bad decisions like a cross across my back, determined to find somebody who understands me despite my ability to ruin everything no matter what I try.

I’ve been jealous and angry. Although I can never forgive O for cheating on me – and getting her pregnant when we were still sleeping together, while I was still wearing the engagement ring – I know I caused a lot of the grief between us. I’ve never been brilliant at coping in relationships, and I jumped in far too early, determined to cling to something safe. Thing is, I never chose the safe options, and it was easy to let everything snowball once I decided I was always going to be somebody who chose the damaged ones because I was so damaged myself.

Then S came along. And now I’m sitting here, hours after starting this post, finding it impossible to put into words just how happy he makes me. I can’t possibly describe how wonderfully the weekend went, or how happy I am that – despite everything else – I have somebody like him.

I wanted to write about love, and how it’s shaped me. But I’ll just leave it here:

S is the best thing to ever happen to me, and he’s the reason why I want to get better. Not for him, but because I know harming myself in any way is something I just can’t put him through, and in his own gentle way, he’s taught me that life doesn’t have to be about rolling from one failure to another. I now know that how I feel extends beyond myself, and I can’t go around messing up other’s lives just because something is wrong in my head and needs fixing.

I love him. I adore him. If I ever lost him, I don’t know what I’d do.

 

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36 Comments

  1. So much of what you say and write really does remind me of well…me. But unlike you I haven’t found happiness with anyone yet. But I too hold on to the idea of love and hopefully finding it. BUT having said that, you know exactly what you would do if you “lost him.” You would continue on. Please do not put all your happy eggs in that basket. Love being in love and being in love with him, but do not give him power like that over you.

  2. Just remember that for every great man, there is an even greater woman behind him. You don’t need a man, you might need retail therapy and a vodka, but you can live without a guy.

    I am so glad you have found a wonderful man! I look forward to the day where I meet a guy as terrific as you make yours sound!

      • I thought it would, but unfortunately it doesn’t. I am glad that he seems to finally understand that I’m not doing it to hurt him and he no longer responds to it. I believe (trying not to use the word assume) that it’s because he knows the struggle is between me and myself and not to get attention from him. And that belief would be correct. If it is correct, then I don’t feel so much shame. I don’t know, he doesn’t talk to me about it. The one positive step he has made is that when I break into tears, he no longer asks what is wrong. He asks why I am crying. That change was HUGE and meant a lot to me. Nothing was usually wrong. But I can usually identify what I am crying about. It’s taken 30 years to get this far. Thank God he loves me!

        • I’m glad he finally gets it; I think that’s such an important thing in relationships. The other partner blaming themselves can be heartbreaking for both.

          And I get it totally about nothing ever being wrong. I rarely get upset when I’m with S (I know that’ll change when we move in together) but the few times I’ve cried, he’s been SO supportive, just putting his arm around me and letting me cry. He knows I’ll come out of it eventually, and just need someone to be close and let me know I’m not alone. It sounds like you’ve got something similar, and I’m glad about that. You’re doing so well luv, keep it up :)

  3. You are glorious, and you deserve this. I am genuinely happy for you, which you know means something because I am a proud and selfish bitch and being happy for other people is normally such a tedious bore.

Send me love.

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