Very Inspiring Blogger Award

I’m not immune to writer’s block. Usually when I don’t write as often, it’s because something’s going wrong; I’m in a depressive episode or incredibly stressed. I’m too tired or sore to sit with the laptop on my legs. Rarely do I avoid it because I can’t think what to write, because since puberty I’ve wanted to tell stories and finally having a way to express all those trapped words is wonderful.

Still. I just haven’t had the inspiration lately. So for Shermeekaflies from The Possible World to nominate me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award amused me; I haven’t felt at all inspiring or inspired for a week or so. It also touched me, because despite my reservations on awards being little more than chain-mail, I always appreciate being nominated. I never thought this blog would be read, let alone have almost 100,000 views and more than 2,000 subscribers. Seriously, if I think about it too long, my mind retreats into a nice, safe place where I never put myself out for the public to judge. So huge thankyous, Shermeekaflies!

As usual, the rules are pretty simple;

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you.
  2. Share seven things about yourself
  3. Nominate other bloggers you think deserve the award, and post on their blog to let them know they’ve been nominated. Actually, I changed the rules a little; originally it asks for 12-15 nominations, but I always think that’s unfair on those who don’t have many blogs they follow or who are just starting out. So nominate anybody. If you can’t think of a blog, nominate a site you believe is inspiring.

1.  I met my first boyfriend in high school, and initially didn’t find him at all attractive or interesting. We had a shared love of The X-Files and my best friend’s older brother was his best friend, but because he was a couple of years above me, we only really saw each other in the library and at parties and I certainly never saw him as relationship material. I still wonder why I agreed to go out with him; I did really like him but can’t help thinking that I was just reaching out for some sort of affection. Anorexia was still lurking, and I was at the height of bulimia and self-harm when he first kissed me on a bed at a house party when I was fourteen. The kiss was memorable, but only because it was far from the romantic experience I imagined; his tongue seemed to fill my whole mouth and neither of us really knew what we were doing. I couldn’t stop shaking; each time he touched me I’d break out into noticeable spasms, my arms and legs shuddering like crazy until he let go.

After three months of talking on the bridge in the park, sitting on swings and eating chicken and sweetcorn pizza together, he left me. He came to my house, and I freaked out; I can’t even remember what caused it. I was paranoid and edgy, backing him into a corner and screaming uncontrollably in his face. I’d been jealous of his friend Carol. I invented scenarios where he was sleeping with her. Each time he went to her house to study for his GCSE’s, I’d break out into a cold sweat and convince myself he was leaving me.

I threw a chair at his head and left a hole in my bedroom wall. We didn’t speak again for over a decade. He’s married now. His wife shares my first name.

2. Songs almost guaranteed to make me cry include Vincent by Don McLean, Out To Get You by James, Why Not Smile by R.E.M, Exit Music (For A Film) by Radiohead, The Pills Won’t Help You Now by The Chemical Brothers, Johnny Cash’s cover of Hurt, Bulimic Beats by Catatonia, and Asleep by The Smiths.

3. Since taking antidepressants, I’ve rarely cried; not even at the songs above. I’ve always been a very outwardly emotional person and in the past it’s been hard to control the waterworks. I cried at everything. Now it’s difficult to squeeze the tears out even if I want to. It’s not a listed side-effect but I can only pin the change down to the chemicals in the pills filtering the urge out of my brain. Take it from me; the ability to cry whenever you need to is a blessing, not a curse. I miss the outlet.

4. The idea of reaching the age of twenty seven never used to occur to me. By puberty I’d decided I wasn’t going to live to eighteen. I didn’t really have a reason for it other than morbid hormonal obsession with my own death and mortality, and once the eating disorders and suicidal behaviour kicked in, I accepted that I’d never become an adult.

Now, I’ve been an adult for nine years, despite all the hospitalizations and suicide attempts, and I’m still unwilling to let my childhood go. I was never supposed to make it this far. I wasn’t prepared for it.

5. My favourite poem is I Am, by John Clare:

6. I don’t know how many people I’ve slept with. It’s in double figures, but I can’t begin to guess.

7. One of my favourite artists is Paul Kidby. I’m a huge Discworld fan:

Nominations:

I’ve chosen the above bloggers simply because, as the title suggests, I find them inspiring. Either through their honesty or ability to tell their stories in a beautiful, powerful way.

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26 Comments

  1. You’re Beautiful!
    Thankyou so much for your kind words and nomination.
    Loved the story about your first boyfriend, particularly the chair throwing!
    Don’t let your childhood go, but please stick around.
    You are valued and your words are precious.
    Elyn ♡❀♡

  2. I can certainly identify with the things that cause a break in blogging. I also, initially, thought of awards as chain mailish. Then I realized that it’s a form of community building where we get to let others know how they’ve impacted us, brag about them to others and introduce them around, while getting a further peek, as much as they’ll allow, into the person on the other side of the screen. Acknowledging and expressing gratitude and appreciation for someone taking a risk and publicly reaching out in friendship and community and paying it all forward remind us to act human when there may be times we neither feel or want to do so.

    I appreciate being able to read your answers and share a glimpse into your world.

    Be well,
    Kina
    ,

    • I don’t personally think of them as chain mailish (what a good word!), but I worry others do, and therefore I worry that if I post a nomination to somebody’s blog, they’ll look upon me negatively. I totally agree; I love them for the community-building aspect and I think it’s a great way of getting an insight into that blogger, especially because I’ve found it’s often easier to make an ‘award’ post than think of something to write about. It’s inspiration, and has the added bonus of connecting people.

      Thanks, Kina. Take care of yourself.

  3. Thanks for the nomination Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars (do you have a shorter name?) – and congrats on your own.
    The above writing is a tough bunch. I can relate to #4 more than I’m willing to admit, well I guess I just did. But something changed. One day I decided to give up the idea of becoming an adult. Slowly but surely an urge to live grew inside of me.

    • Most people seem to call me Halfway – I use ‘T’ as my name, but nobody really picked it up! Thanks for the congrats, and you really do deserve the nomination. I thought hard about these ones, and your name came straight to mind.

      I’m glad that urge to live grew; you have a lot to give. I just found that I grew older without realising. 27 came so fast that I forgot I was never supposed to make it this far.

  4. Pingback: Seven things about me award « The Quiet Borderline

    • Honestly? I have no idea! I’ve had my blog for almost eighteen months and I never expected to have so many readers, let alone subscribers. I’d say it really picked up around eight months ago, when I started writing about subjects like depression, rather than truly personal posts. I got a lot of subscribers from just one post. I’m still a bit baffled by it myself. I suppose I have a lot of time to just sit online and read other blogs – sometimes entire days and nights.

      As for being a pro… I wish! I read a lot of blogs which look absolutely amazing, and the writing is superb… there’s so much talent out there, and I’m just a wee fish in a big sea :)

  5. No one is ever prepared for adulthood! I wish someone had warned me instead of leaving me to stumbly blindly into it alone.
    I adore Terry Pratchett and his discworld series!Everyone should read at least one of his books in their lifetime.

  6. Pingback: Very Inspiring Blogger Award « On Oxnard Shores

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