Walking in circles

I don’t usually warn if there are going to be triggers in my posts, because I can’t censor everything I write and the nature of this blog is probably triggering anyway. However, there’s detail of self-harm which, if you’re feeling at all vulnerable, probably should be avoided. Eating disorders too. Be safe <3

A lot of the posts I write never get published. Some are still sitting there in my drafts folder, others have been permanently deleted because I never want to read them again. Some I abandon halfway through because typing those words is just too painful. Others I start, but then I pass out in a dope/codeine/alcohol haze before finishing them.

This post, I want to publish. I don’t want to write it – God knows I don’t want to write it – but if I’m going to be honest and keep track of the ups and downs, I have to stop hiding behind the magic “publish” button. True honesty – the entire point of this blog – can’t be had if I’m going to delete posts and never let anybody know they existed.

Today, I thought of both cutting myself, and making myself throw up. Not only did the thought enter my mind, but I planned exactly how I was going to do it; taking my new razor apart (with much sweating and swearing with a pair of scissors, trying to cut the plastic off) and repeatedly cutting all the part which made me feel inferior. My pale, wobbly belly. My flabby underarms. My hips. Inner thighs. My chin. All those hideous freaks of anatomy which make me avoid full-length mirrors and looking at myself naked. I walked around Asda – supposedly shopping but avoiding buying any real food – with my paranoia switched to full and the urge to harm myself almost reducing me to panicked, hysterical tears at the checkout.

I take two steps forward, and ten back. Some days I can almost believe I’m on the road to recovery from all this shit, and on others I realise that I’m always one tiny step from total meltdown and the slightest thing could send me all the way to crazy again.

I didn’t harm myself, or make myself sick. By the time I finally got home – what felt like milennia later – the urge had dulled a little, and a couple of joints calmed me enough to feel safe-ish. Not safe, just ish.

However, something came home with me. 28 Solpadine Max tablets.

Codeine. My old friend. My worst enemy.

I’ll always be walking in circes.

37 Comments

  1. I had the same feelings last night…except I prefer burning. The hardest part is to wait them out without hurting yourself. Normal people don’t get it. Stay strong & do what you have to to stay safe. Pot & codeine are better than scars. Your blog is great. It helps to know there are other people like me.

  2. *hugs* Take the victories where they come. You didn’t self-harm. That’s a victory, especially from what you say about how strong the urge was. No recovery comes in a single day, or on every front at once. Celebrate every small win when it happens. They add up to big victories in time, in the same way minutes lead to days lead to years. *more hugs* Don’t be so hard on yourself for the sole crime of being human. We all commit it on a daily basis. :)

  3. It takes strength to admit and confess feelings like this! It’s a step in the right direction! You already know you have the problem….you recognize the symptoms and you’re getting stronger in resisting the urges! That’s fantastic! Writing about them also helps.
    Codeine is better than cutting yourself! We all need something to escape the pain sometimes. We just all do it in a different manner.

    • I’m not sure if codeine is better… in some ways it is, but I do worry about my liver. Just because I’m addicted, doesn’t mean I don’t know it’s damaging my body. It’s a big concern, really… but then, self harm led to an almost-severed artery once, which is never safe.

      Writing about them does help. I didn’t think it would, but a load did drop off my shoulders afterwards. Thanks, Ryoko love <3 Your support means the world to me.

  4. With you on the SI. I see it as a war, some battles will be won, some lost but the war carries on. Most of the time I do SI because I want the visual ugliness, I want the scars so when I see them I remember and know I wasn’t making it up, the invisible illness.

  5. Love from coastal Maine — only 75℉ and breezy and beautiful. I know what you mean about temptations. I’m not talking about this in my blog, but I’ve been bumming smokes for a couple of weeks. Today was my first day without, and I hope I can build on that. I’ll be lifting you up in my meditation tomorrow morning, as I often do. Hang in there, my friend! 8-)

  6. For what it counts, we few and varied faceless names here are collectively glad you didn’t do those things you felt the need to do. You are stronger than your urges. You are more than that need. You are a true warrior amongst women. You are bigger and brighter than that tiny voice inside your head that compels you to do the things it tells you to do. Keep your head up and push on. No matter how many times anyone tells you, even if it’s yourself, that you are not worthy, we believe in you!
    Stand strong little one. We are all behind you, holding you UP, even when everything else feels like its pushing you down!
    YOU CAN DO THIS!
    You’ve made it this far, what’s one more hour?
    One more day?
    One more week?
    It’s nothing in the grand scheme of things!
    You’ve made it this far, no sense in looking back now. We believe in you. We’re counting on you. You can make it through. You’ve got this.

  7. Ye did the right thing by not cutting yerself lass, it breaks me heart to think of anyone hurting you including yerself, i want ye to know that you are beautiful to me, in yer werds and yer pictures that you use, it shows me who you really are, and with them is where i find ye beautiful, and that ye are, you are beautiful. me i don know you from eve we ave never met cept on here, and yet in yer werds and pictures i find a sense of who you really are. now you an Dan share something in common ye dont always post the posts that need to be read the most, ha made me a rhyme right there i did, i say put it all out there even if you don want to post it, you never know when yer werds will touch anothers heart like yours ave mine.

    Aye be good as you can to yer self lass,
    Khayleth

  8. I don’t ‘like’ this post in the conventional sense, but I do like your honesty and bravery. You should be very proud that you didn’t act on any of those urges. I hope you are. xx

  9. Life is hard isnt it sweetie, i know what its like with on the edge of a meltdown! I feel like im doing ok then “bang” something small and insignificant happens then i start feeling depressed again! Stay safe gorgeous and much love xxx

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