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If we get through this alive, I’ll meet you next week, same place, same time.

27 Jul

I stayed away from sharp things. Suffered from the codeine; entirely self-inflicted, and I’ll never be proud of shoveling bright red pills down my throat until the anxiety stops. Binged on Kits Kats and plain crisps at 3am. Lay awake in bed on Wednesday night, swimming in a sea of chemical highs and sweating out every last bit of water in my body, determined to sleep but flying too high from the codeine and dope.

I don’t know how it works elsewhere, but in the UK codeine can only be bought mixed with paracetamol; 500mg per pill. More than two tablets is therefore an overdose, and I usually need eight or so to give me enough chemical serenity… and I know my liver is paying for it. My addiction… once, I thought I’d be okay, that I wasn’t like other people who had to rely on drugs to get by in life. I convinced myself that I wasn’t addicted. I could stop any time.

 

Now, the lower back pain and constant diarrhoea is telling me otherwise. The headaches and nausea and bloating… it baffles me how I can be terrified for the health of my liver, but still continue to assault it with large doses of paracetamol.

I’m not a stupid woman. For all my failings, I know I’m pretty intelligent. However, I have the ability to create my own strange logic; to remove myself from situations and become convinced I’m okay and won’t damage myself so long as I take the occasional break. And on the whole, I’ve been doing well – since deciding to give up codeine, I’ve managed months at a time without even touching the stuff. Recently though, it’s been harder to resist. The world has been heaped on my shoulders without my permission – with the tendonitis and the fraud allegation – and I’ve retreated to the old habits in order to cope.

This is what relapse feels like.

I intend to make it as short as possible, because cutting myself and overdosing instead of coping with situations isn’t emotionally or physically healthy. Thinking about purging is a dangerous road to travel down; I made myself sick a few months ago, and don’t want to get back into that habit so soon – or at all – because I’ve been doing so well. It’s one of the few things I feel I can be proud of, and I’ve let myself down far too many times in the past. Over a decade of bulimia, and I’ve almost cracked it… I don’t want to go back there; don’t want the puffy face and swollen fingers and constant taste of bile in my throat.

 

Sixteen years, in fact. Sixteen long years since I first stuck my fingers down my throat in a tiny blue cubicle, skipping a lesson so I could throw up everything I’d eaten. Sixteen years since I first realised that fat = unhappy,  and I had to do everything in my power to prevent it.

Seventeen years since I first cut myself. Since my first overdose.

The codeine? That began when my relationship with O started falling apart, six years ago. I would stay awake at night, smoking out of my bedroom window and waiting for the chemicals to kick in and squash the rising panic dead. If O didn’t call, I’d take a handful, knowing it would take away all the anxiety and paranoia that he was cheating on me. When I found out he was cheating on me, I stepped it up; packets of amitriptyline, diazepam and co-codamol, taken as and when I needed to calm down. Days and nights spent tripping on Tramadol overdoses.

I’ve had a lot of abnormal liver function tests. Still, I punish my body so my mind can feel okay.

When you’re young, you think nothing truly awful can ever happen to you. When those bad things do happen, you still think you’re invincible and no amount of abuse could ever harm you. Even years later, when the dentist points out the eroded tooth enamel… it’s not real. Bulimia, self harm, pills… they’re all an addiction, and the brain plays cruel tricks so you don’t give the bad habits up.

 

This weekend, I plan to sit down with S and tell him what’s been going on. About all the stress and bad thoughts. I’ve told him a little about the rising anxiety, but brushed it off somewhat. I don’t like talking about these things in person, and I’m always afraid he’ll find it too much to deal with.

Most people do.

 

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45 Comments

Posted by on July 27, 2012 in Every day life

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

45 responses to “If we get through this alive, I’ll meet you next week, same place, same time.

  1. WitheringTulip

    July 27, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Oh how I understand the denial you speak of so well.

    I take my hat off to you – coming so far as you have with the ED. That’s truly inspiring. Refusing to give up the battle -
    You’re a fighter & it’s never too late. It’s not the end until it’s the end and until then there’s always possibility that things can be different.

    I think that talking about things openly is the first step towards kicking denial out on it’s ass. It brings everything out. It makes everything real.

    I hope that your talk with S goes well.

     
  2. madness42

    July 27, 2012 at 11:13 am

    In awe of your honesty.

     
  3. Jaen Wirefly

    July 27, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    I’m sorry you’re suffering right now. Coping with life is difficult and it’s easy almost natural to fall back into old behavior patterns. But I want you to know I think your amazing and intelligent and I hope that you continue to fight for your life because I like it that you’re here.
    ;)

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 27, 2012 at 2:59 pm

      Thank you so much, luv <3 I haven't seen you around for a while and have been taking a bit of a break from other blogs, so was wondering how you were; you okay? And I will keep fighting. Not because I want to be some sort of hero… it's just what I've always done. I'm too stubborn to do otherwise.

       
  4. ryoko861

    July 27, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Wow, I didn’t realize how much you were taking! I just figured the codeine was the less of the two evil you were talking about. But now I understand the severity of it all.You can’t replace your liver! I know you know what you have to do. And I know you can beat this! You’ve conquered so much so far, you can over come this addiction!

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 27, 2012 at 3:01 pm

      Thanks Ryoko <3 Eh, I'm trying. I thought it'd be easier than this, I have to admit.

       
  5. carlarenee45

    July 27, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    here is the US you can not get codeine without it being in a prescription form. It is in a lot of the pain meds that doctors fearfully prescribe because so many sell the pills on the streets, or take them themselves to get high.
    I understand where you are at and how the mind works to keep us from knowing that we are self destructing. I think of you often and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 27, 2012 at 3:08 pm

      I wish it was the same in the UK; it’s too easy to walk into any pharmacy and buy painkillers with codeine in. I have a note on my medical records saying I’m not to be prescribed codeine by a doctor (as I’m addicted), but that doesn’t stop me buying a 28 pack of co-codamol for about £3. Painkiller addiction is a huge problem in the UK.

      Thanks, luv. I think of you often too. Take care <3

       
  6. dankline2000

    July 27, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    LOVE, stay strong

     
  7. mimijk

    July 27, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    You are incredible – in all the best senses of the word. You will overcome this as you have so much…stay strong..

     
  8. faithhopechocolate

    July 27, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Still praying for you, love.

    *hugs*

     
  9. anonymousunidentified

    July 27, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    This sounds so familiar to me it’s uncanny. Your writing conveys so many familiar things I feel like you know me. Don’t give up the fight.

     
  10. Scigarra Dizuyo

    July 27, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    All the best for your talk with S… I so, so hope he will support you and see your determination and your struggles.

     
  11. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital)

    July 27, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Tough tough tough. I hate to hear of such suffering. I’m so sorry.

    I wish you only the best. X

     
  12. britneyana

    July 27, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    I am so glad you are talking to S about it.

     
  13. thebirdieflies

    July 27, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    Awww. You didn’t throw away the pills then? :/

     
  14. Davies, G J

    July 27, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Hey, brutally honest account of yourself there. Far be it from to tell you what you already know but I did work in a pharmacy until very recently and paracetamol isn’t exactly “bad” for your liver in the sense that alcohol is bad: rather it can kill you very quickly and horribly without any going back. Not so bad if you really are sticking to the 8 a day, two at a time. You can go a very long time like that, don’t worry. But never – oh please, never – be tempted to take more, or more than two at once, or less than the right number of hours apart (4 hours).

    Are you scared to talk to the doctor about this? Pure codeine is available on prescription if you really need it.

    Please use the drugs properly.
    x

     
  15. Davies, G J

    July 27, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Ah, just read your comment about not being able to get this on prescription. Sorry. So you must have been through the list of services for dealing with this addiction then? I used to serve a guy on methodone who had become addicted through codeine. You deserve to get yourself whatever help there is, surely? Go on, be brave. You’ll like yourself even more if you do :)
    x

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 31, 2012 at 8:03 pm

      To be honest, I’ve never even considered addiction services; I’ve had such negative experiences with the mental health system that I don’t trust any NHS service not to make things worse for me. My doctor knows about my codeine problems, so I know the help would probably be there if I wanted it. I just really don’t want to get into anything which messes things up for me. I’m doing much better than I used to be – I was addicted to morphine a couple of years ago – and I trust myself more than I trust any services.

      Despite this, thank you <3 I really appreciate the support.

       
      • Davies, G J

        August 1, 2012 at 9:26 pm

        Hey, totally hear you there. Think I’m lucky enough to live in a region where the services for mental health are considered “good” but that is a relative term – they aren’t that good. To an extent I only get out what I put in, there is no one there with enough skill and understanding to provide all that I might really need.

        But a safer alternative to co-codemol is one thing they probably could come up with.

        Personally, I find my worst obstacle when trying to get off something I rely on is my own assumption that I SHOULD feel great most of the time. Once I accept the shitty feeling going without gives is MY choice, I feel more powerful about it and can ride through it better.

        I worry I might be lecturing now though, so let me just wish you best of luck. Stay safe, whatever you choose.
        x

         
  16. SummerSolsticeGirl

    July 27, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Thinking of you and sending you big hugs and good vibes.

     
  17. artyelf

    July 27, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    This all sounds so hard, I really feel for you.
    My thoughts are with you and I’m sending you strength and the ability to be honest with S, from what you have mentioned of your partner, I think the reaction will be supportive and caring.
    ♡♥♡

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 31, 2012 at 7:56 pm

      Thanks Elyn; your comments always cheer me up. You’re so lovely. I didn’t speak to S in the end; there just didn’t seem to be an appropriate time. I know he’ll be supportive when I’m ready though x

       
  18. gypsy116

    July 27, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    Ive nominated you for the Sisterhood of the World Blogging Award http://gypsy116.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/sisterhood-of-the-world-bloggers-award/

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 31, 2012 at 7:52 pm

      Oh, I’ve only just spotted this. Thank you sweetie!

       
      • gypsy116

        July 31, 2012 at 9:20 pm

        Welcome :)

         
  19. April

    July 28, 2012 at 4:27 am

    I’m writing you a letter.

     
  20. chemicalinsomniac

    July 28, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Wow a lot of what you say really strikes a chord with me and inspires me to keep fighting my battle…and keep working on my blog. thanks.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 31, 2012 at 7:40 pm

      Thanks much for the comment, and heck, if I can fight the battle I believe anyone can. Keep that chin up <3

       
  21. byhisgrace211

    July 28, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    Keep being honest like you are my friend. I can totally relate to the tramadol tripping, ugh! I hated it too. It sucks being an addict, but take hope in the fact that you CAN help others by your honesty and the things you do to help yourself. When you find something that works to help you, please share it with us. There are many of us out there that need help.

    Try the 24 hour thing. Tell youself I won’t use just for today. If that’s too long for you, then cut the day into parts. Such as “I won’t use until 12″. Then at 12:00, tell yourself I won’t use until 3pm…..etc.

    Whether you know it or not, you touch alot of people’s lives through your blog. Don’t beat yourself up too much. You are human. But please don’t get so sick you put yourself in the hospital either. We all care about you and God loves you too.

    Michele :-)

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 31, 2012 at 7:40 pm

      Thank you Michele; you’re a sweetheart. 24 hours works well for me, and I can often go week or even months without touching anything but dope and the prescribed medications I’m on. I just find things build up until I reach for the emotional release. The Tramadol tripping is awful, isn’t it? I can’t understand how anybody functions on that stuff! I was given it as a painkiller years ago when I had my gallbladder removed, and even on a normal dose I was flying. Sweating and hallucinating; I don’t envy you having experienced it too.

      Sometimes you know, it’s hard for me to accept that I can affect anybody’s life. I certainly never planned to, but it’s always wonderful to be told so. Your words really touch me, I hope you know that <3

       
      • byhisgrace211

        August 3, 2012 at 3:25 am

        Thank you saying that because I am really in the dumps myself right now. After all my encouraging words to you, I wound up relapsing a couple days ago. I went on a 24 hour binge and don’t remember much except I spent all my money and lost my job. I’m very depressed right now and really hating myself. I actually thought about you the other day and how you struggle with life like I do. I’m glad to know you and that we can lean on each other.~~~Michele

         
        • halfwaybetweenthegutter

          August 3, 2012 at 10:09 am

          Oh sweetheart. I’m sorry. I know there’s not much I can say to make things better; wish there was. Have you spoken to a doctor, or would you prefer not to? Either way… we all relapse at some point; some more than others. Heck, I’ve been relapsing and recovering in cycles for a long, long time… but the important thing to remember is that just because you slipped – and you didn’t, not really, it wasn’t your fault – and things got a little hairy, it DOESN’T mean you’re not doing amazingly well. Remember that.

          How did you lose your job? Quit or cause trouble? Eh, the trials of life :/

          You’re going to be fine. Deep breaths, and remember we’re all in it together. You’ve picked me up enough times just by your kind words :) Much love, and stay safe, okay?

           
  22. mentalhope

    July 28, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    Hi Halfway, I hope the talk goes well with S. I read your blog often, and sometimes find things you talk about that are helpful to me. Take care, Rod

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 31, 2012 at 7:36 pm

      Thank you very much for the comment, Rod. I’m glad my blog can be of some help; it’s always good to hear that it’s helping somebody. Take care of yourself too.

       
  23. marvaseaton

    July 28, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    Thanks for sharing your story, I hope someday you will be able to take control of your situation and start on the road to full recovery. All the best.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 31, 2012 at 7:35 pm

      Thank you luv, and thanks so much for the follow! All the best right back to you. Take care.

       
  24. booguloo

    July 28, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    It’s good to read that you’re “Breaking the Patterns of Depression” ;which is also the title of a good book by Michal D. Yapko, PH.D. You can find it on amazon if it’s not in your local book store in your area.

    Thanks for you for testimony and remember to have a great day in spite of yourself.

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 31, 2012 at 7:34 pm

      Thanks for that info Booguloo, and good to see you around. Hope you’ve been well! I’ll certainly read up on that book, although I have to confess I’ve read so many similar titles that I feel I could write my own based on them. I’ll let you know if I order it :)

       
  25. hawkdad73

    July 29, 2012 at 4:23 am

    You are currently following my blog, Your Riverside Forum at yourriversideforum.com. I recently switched hosts and attempting to update my email subscriber list. You may or may not have received updates regarding new posts with really long titles; my apologies. I was unable to access the mailing list and your emails were so secure, they were tucked away on my old administrator board. Anyway, The Forum is fully transferred, and I had a chance to cross reference who has subscribed and who has not. Just go to the same URL and sign up. Subscription sign up is the same as on the old site. It’s located in the upper left hand corner of the homepage.

    Aside from the same stories, updates, and reports you have come to expect, I have added some new widgets and applications that will make your experience on the Forum interactive, enjoyable, and (for some) lucrative. Chats are will be available either to newer and/or high traffic posts or upon request; at this time they are only available one post at a time.

    Also new to the site is ad space. If you have a business or an upcoming event, click on the space (Usually on the right hand side). This new feature will not only get your businesses’ name out there to local readers, it will allow you to sponsor the site. Simply click on the ad space and follow the directions. Since The Forum does not accept direct credit card payments, you can do so using PayPal. It is safe (credit card numbers will not be viewed or stored on the Forum), and sign up is free and easy.

    Coming soon, a new and improved policy page!. This will include policies on privacy, submissions, and decorum. I know…EXCITING!

    Thanks for following

     
  26. Ivy Jade

    July 29, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    Incredible how much alike we are in ways, this post perfectly illuminated parts of myself I’ve been trying to express, but couldn’t do it quite as elegantly as you.
    It’s okay to feel down, to enjoy feeling down, so long as you let yourself enjoy the natural highs, too.

    Take care,
    Ivy

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 30, 2012 at 12:27 pm

      Thanks, Ivy; I really appreciate that. Through writing this blog I’ve found that I’m by no means alone, and knowing others have the same thoughts and experiences is a huge, huge help. Take much care of yourself.

       
  27. jo

    July 29, 2012 at 11:46 pm

    You need a backup before you talk to S in case S does not react well. Don’t use a bad reaction from S to fuel a binge. Hugs-jo

     
    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      July 30, 2012 at 12:22 pm

      I don’t think S could ever react badly. I didn’t speak to him in the end, it just never seemed like the right moment. I’m okay, though. Hugs right back, and thanks for the comment Jo x

       
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