Dreary Mondays and The Daisy Award

As Mondays go, it’s been a pretty dreary day. Grey clouds in the sky, a cold wind in the air, and fatigue upon fatigue dragging my body down into the floor. After a weekend spent lying in bed while S works on his programming and struggling up and down the stairs for smokes, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m having my first fibro-flare since beginning the treatment with Lyrica. It’s a strange feeling; none of the usual muscle spasms  but all the extreme tiredness and confusion. My thighs and upper arms don’t ache, but they still feel like they’re filled with lead. It’s just not hot lead anymore.

I don’t know what I thought. I just didn’t expect to still have flares, I suppose; I know Lyrica only helps with muscle pains and spasms, but for some reason the idea of a flare never entered my mind. It’s incredibly difficult staying awake; I got up with S this morning to see him off to work and didn’t sleep well last night, so it’s very tempting to close my eyes and fall asleep for a little while. Sometimes it seems like my abnormal sleeping habits will never right themselves.


The lovely Quiet Borderline has kindly nominated me for The Daisy Award. The rules for this award are much the same as usual:

* Thank the person who nominated you.

* Tell your readers 7 unusual things about yourself.

* Nominate some worthy bloggers.

What is a quiet borderline?

It’s potentially less common, but equally insidious, maybe moreso, because it can be trickier to diagnose someone who displays characteristics of a Quiet Borderline. Why’s that? Because they are much more likely to Act In, then Act Out. They are not known for raging openly, where other people can see them, so it’s more difficult to recognize that there’s a problem. It’s very typical for only those people that are very close, often intimately involved, with this person to know that there is a problem that needs to be helped with. This is something that I identify with very well. To the outside world anyone you ask would tell you I am the pinnacle of pulled together. They don’t know what goes on inside.

Which ultimately is not that different from what you would consider a classic Borderline presentation. By which I mean that all those underlying reasons for a BPD diagnosis are essentially the same in those that are “quiet” and those that are acting out. The main difference is how it presents and manifests… how a person expresses their symptoms.
The Quiet Borderline is a blogger I much admire. I hesitated to use the word “blogger”, because it doesn’t sum up the depth and detail in her words. Above all else, she’s a writer; and one I highly recommend reading if you want to know the ins and outs of BPD. Her tenacity in dealing with often horrible situations is to be respected, and it’s an honor to be nominated by somebody like her.
Seven unusual things
1. Like The Quiet Borderline, I have mangled toenails. Both nails on my big toes were removed in my early teens, and I hide the skin where it never grew back by covering it in nail varnish. You will never see me without varnish on my toenails; it’s almost an obsession. I can still remember the nurse squeezing my hand as a needle was pushed right through my toe. I think I broke her fingers.
2. I’m incredibly blasé about needles, otherwise. Blood tests have never been an issue for me, and as a child I used to love watching the blood go up the cannula into the little vial. Heck, I still do that.
3. Although I knit a lot, I rarely finish a project. To date I’ve made six hats and six scarves, despite spending hours knitting like a fiend. Like most other things in life, I’m dogged by paranoia that whatever I touch ends up ruined. If a stitch drops or I accidentally purl instead of knit, I won’t go back and fix it even though I know how. It’s failed by then.
4. I have a great weakness for Nero’s hazelnut mochas. Not really unusual, but heck. It’s a fact.
5. Considering I often sleep until the afternoon, I absolutely adore the morning. Especially when the sun is just rising on a warm day; it makes me blissfully happy. I’ll throw open my curtains and open the window, even if I’ve been up all night staring at the laptop screen and smoking like a chimney, red-eyed and coughing. Even if I go to sleep straight afterwards, I have to see the sunrise if I have a chance. It’s always peaceful. I love the world before it wakes up.
6. I often buy books based purely on the cover art.
7. When I’m stressed, I spend money. It’s a release of sorts, almost similar to self-harm. In fact, I’ll often buy things I don’t need rather than cut myself. It’s not quite as effective, but holds off the urge for a while. I’ve never been in proper debt, but I do owe my mother quite a bit of money. I keep borrowing to pay for hair products and make-up; you see, when everything goes wrong I try to patch things up with the false illusion of beauty. If I’m pretty, life can surely never be harsh. I need to spend that money because that lipstick may just be the answer to everything.
I don’t really know what The Daisy Award means, so my nominations are bloggers who have inspired me – in their own ways – to keep writing and sharing.


  1. Thank you thank you! And congratulation on the award yourself! I’ve heard here and there of The Quiet Borderline’s blog, but this has inspired me to take a deeper look. What you said about it was lovely.

    I rarely finish a knitting project myself. I, like you, will just give up on it if I messed up rather than go back and fix it. I get discouraged easily I think. And I’m a perfectionist. Thus, tons of unfinished projects that weren’t completely perfect so I abandoned them. (or it just felt like too much work!) I don’t think we have Nero’s where I live, but a hazelnut mocha sounds amazing. I can also relate to loving that time right before the sun comes up. It’s my favorite time of day too. The world is so quiet and peaceful, and I feel I have it all to myself.

    Thanks again for the lovely nomination. Will get to it as soon as I can. :)

    • You’re welcome, you very much deserve it!

      I get discouraged easily too, it’s like if I make one mistake I’ve ruined the whole thing and no amount of fixing will make it right. Does that make sense? Scarves are fine, but I start hats and bags over and over; my current project (a tote bag for Autumn) has been re-started three times now. Sigh.

    • Thanks YAPCab, I appreciate the advice and congratulations. I’ve tried melatonin and it’s amazing, but each time I’ve gone back to ridiculous sleeping habits. In an ideal world I’d take your advice and sleep when I need it, but living with my mother… eh, she doesn’t accept that. She gets me up regardless. Hopefully that will change soon.

  2. Love your writing! And thanks for the mention and nomination! Means a lot :) #7… I have a lipstick/lip gloss thing… Whenever I feel that funky mood, I do think that slapping on that red color on my lips may make things a little more bearable.

  3. Congrats on the award!
    I was really interested to read what you said about knitting (and other things!). I used to that too, make one mistake and never fix it, it became another failure. But something changed for me, maybe because most of my knitting I give as gifts now, and do a lot of intricate patterns. However, I think you can ask any knitter, and they will all say the same, they have a bag full of UFO’s! (unfinished pieces)

  4. I am reading your blog today but the left side of my body is in spasm. The headache from the neck spasm has me taking extra meds just to get through the day. I still have flare-ups while on the Lyrica, good days and bad days. Today is a bad day. I hope yours gets better.

  5. Pingback: This is New… « The Deep Roads

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