Dreary Mondays and The Daisy Award

06 Aug

As Mondays go, it’s been a pretty dreary day. Grey clouds in the sky, a cold wind in the air, and fatigue upon fatigue dragging my body down into the floor. After a weekend spent lying in bed while S works on his programming and struggling up and down the stairs for smokes, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m having my first fibro-flare since beginning the treatment with Lyrica. It’s a strange feeling; none of the usual muscle spasms  but all the extreme tiredness and confusion. My thighs and upper arms don’t ache, but they still feel like they’re filled with lead. It’s just not hot lead anymore.

I don’t know what I thought. I just didn’t expect to still have flares, I suppose; I know Lyrica only helps with muscle pains and spasms, but for some reason the idea of a flare never entered my mind. It’s incredibly difficult staying awake; I got up with S this morning to see him off to work and didn’t sleep well last night, so it’s very tempting to close my eyes and fall asleep for a little while. Sometimes it seems like my abnormal sleeping habits will never right themselves.


The lovely Quiet Borderline has kindly nominated me for The Daisy Award. The rules for this award are much the same as usual:

* Thank the person who nominated you.

* Tell your readers 7 unusual things about yourself.

* Nominate some worthy bloggers.

What is a quiet borderline?

It’s potentially less common, but equally insidious, maybe moreso, because it can be trickier to diagnose someone who displays characteristics of a Quiet Borderline. Why’s that? Because they are much more likely to Act In, then Act Out. They are not known for raging openly, where other people can see them, so it’s more difficult to recognize that there’s a problem. It’s very typical for only those people that are very close, often intimately involved, with this person to know that there is a problem that needs to be helped with. This is something that I identify with very well. To the outside world anyone you ask would tell you I am the pinnacle of pulled together. They don’t know what goes on inside.

Which ultimately is not that different from what you would consider a classic Borderline presentation. By which I mean that all those underlying reasons for a BPD diagnosis are essentially the same in those that are “quiet” and those that are acting out. The main difference is how it presents and manifests… how a person expresses their symptoms.
The Quiet Borderline is a blogger I much admire. I hesitated to use the word “blogger”, because it doesn’t sum up the depth and detail in her words. Above all else, she’s a writer; and one I highly recommend reading if you want to know the ins and outs of BPD. Her tenacity in dealing with often horrible situations is to be respected, and it’s an honor to be nominated by somebody like her.
Seven unusual things
1. Like The Quiet Borderline, I have mangled toenails. Both nails on my big toes were removed in my early teens, and I hide the skin where it never grew back by covering it in nail varnish. You will never see me without varnish on my toenails; it’s almost an obsession. I can still remember the nurse squeezing my hand as a needle was pushed right through my toe. I think I broke her fingers.
2. I’m incredibly blasé about needles, otherwise. Blood tests have never been an issue for me, and as a child I used to love watching the blood go up the cannula into the little vial. Heck, I still do that.
3. Although I knit a lot, I rarely finish a project. To date I’ve made six hats and six scarves, despite spending hours knitting like a fiend. Like most other things in life, I’m dogged by paranoia that whatever I touch ends up ruined. If a stitch drops or I accidentally purl instead of knit, I won’t go back and fix it even though I know how. It’s failed by then.
4. I have a great weakness for Nero’s hazelnut mochas. Not really unusual, but heck. It’s a fact.
5. Considering I often sleep until the afternoon, I absolutely adore the morning. Especially when the sun is just rising on a warm day; it makes me blissfully happy. I’ll throw open my curtains and open the window, even if I’ve been up all night staring at the laptop screen and smoking like a chimney, red-eyed and coughing. Even if I go to sleep straight afterwards, I have to see the sunrise if I have a chance. It’s always peaceful. I love the world before it wakes up.
6. I often buy books based purely on the cover art.
7. When I’m stressed, I spend money. It’s a release of sorts, almost similar to self-harm. In fact, I’ll often buy things I don’t need rather than cut myself. It’s not quite as effective, but holds off the urge for a while. I’ve never been in proper debt, but I do owe my mother quite a bit of money. I keep borrowing to pay for hair products and make-up; you see, when everything goes wrong I try to patch things up with the false illusion of beauty. If I’m pretty, life can surely never be harsh. I need to spend that money because that lipstick may just be the answer to everything.
I don’t really know what The Daisy Award means, so my nominations are bloggers who have inspired me – in their own ways – to keep writing and sharing.

Posted by on August 6, 2012 in Every day life


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37 responses to “Dreary Mondays and The Daisy Award

  1. Julie

    August 6, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    Congrats, and thank you. I’m totally with you on #2. The first time I had blood taken for a test, my mother was horrified that I wanted to watch. :)

  2. brandic32

    August 6, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Thank you thank you! And congratulation on the award yourself! I’ve heard here and there of The Quiet Borderline’s blog, but this has inspired me to take a deeper look. What you said about it was lovely.

    I rarely finish a knitting project myself. I, like you, will just give up on it if I messed up rather than go back and fix it. I get discouraged easily I think. And I’m a perfectionist. Thus, tons of unfinished projects that weren’t completely perfect so I abandoned them. (or it just felt like too much work!) I don’t think we have Nero’s where I live, but a hazelnut mocha sounds amazing. I can also relate to loving that time right before the sun comes up. It’s my favorite time of day too. The world is so quiet and peaceful, and I feel I have it all to myself.

    Thanks again for the lovely nomination. Will get to it as soon as I can. :)

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 7, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      You’re welcome, you very much deserve it!

      I get discouraged easily too, it’s like if I make one mistake I’ve ruined the whole thing and no amount of fixing will make it right. Does that make sense? Scarves are fine, but I start hats and bags over and over; my current project (a tote bag for Autumn) has been re-started three times now. Sigh.

  3. YAPCaB

    August 6, 2012 at 9:25 pm


    When your body says sleep and you can, sleep. If it’s really bothering you, though, try melatonin to re-regulate your system.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 7, 2012 at 8:00 pm

      Thanks YAPCab, I appreciate the advice and congratulations. I’ve tried melatonin and it’s amazing, but each time I’ve gone back to ridiculous sleeping habits. In an ideal world I’d take your advice and sleep when I need it, but living with my mother… eh, she doesn’t accept that. She gets me up regardless. Hopefully that will change soon.

  4. cecilykellogg

    August 6, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    This is by no means the most important thing about this post, but you had your toenails removed? Why?

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 7, 2012 at 2:48 am

      They were ingrowing… quite why both decided to do it at the same time, I don’t know. By the time I was forced to see a doctor, I’d damaged the sides of my toes. I remember it being pretty painful, and there were a lot of antibiotics involved. I have a fear of ingrowing nails now.

  5. Don't let me get me

    August 6, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    Hey, thank you for the mention and nomination. That was very sweet of you. And agreed about the sun-rise of a day. It is a wonderful part of being alive.

  6. Serenity Mars

    August 6, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    Love your writing! And thanks for the mention and nomination! Means a lot :) #7… I have a lipstick/lip gloss thing… Whenever I feel that funky mood, I do think that slapping on that red color on my lips may make things a little more bearable.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 7, 2012 at 2:49 am

      I think it’s mascara for me… mascara helps me take on the world. And no problem, you totally deserve the nomination <3 And thank you!

  7. facelikeafryingpan

    August 6, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    Congrats! My mom suffers from fibromyalgia and polymyalgia. She has good days and bad ones. I hope that the Lyrica provides you with some relief.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 7, 2012 at 2:44 am

      Oh, thank you very much for the congrats, and I’m sorry to hear about your mum; I know somebody (well, vaguely) with Polymyalgia, and it sounds awful. Thanks very much for the follow!

  8. stuff I said

    August 6, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    Congrats! :D

  9. carlarenee45

    August 6, 2012 at 11:46 pm

    congratulations on your award! Also for letting us know you a little better!

  10. Rev Dani Lynn

    August 7, 2012 at 3:30 am

    Congrats & thanks for the link. :)

  11. lalalemzo

    August 7, 2012 at 4:20 am

    Your numbers 5 – 7 are awesome. I do the same thing. I’d love to know how to knit, though, I know that I’d always never finish before I start another project. Congratulations on the award! :)

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 7, 2012 at 8:01 pm

      Knitting is amazing. I thought I’d never learn; I tried for years and couldn’t understand it. Then one day my mother showed me and I got it. It’s a brilliant hobby; I’d recommend it to anyone! Thanks much for the congratulations <3

  12. judithatwood

    August 7, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Lots of love from sunny and hot Maine. Thank you so much for the award! You can look for my response in the next couple of days. See you then!

  13. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital)

    August 7, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Those are some truly flattering words right there. Thank you, you are very kind indeed.

    I very much enjoyed reading about your mangled toenails also lol x

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 7, 2012 at 9:04 pm

      Heh. Was it as painful for you? I swear I’ll remember that needle pain until the day I die. x

  14. artyelf

    August 7, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    Congrats on the award!
    I was really interested to read what you said about knitting (and other things!). I used to that too, make one mistake and never fix it, it became another failure. But something changed for me, maybe because most of my knitting I give as gifts now, and do a lot of intricate patterns. However, I think you can ask any knitter, and they will all say the same, they have a bag full of UFO’s! (unfinished pieces)

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 7, 2012 at 9:04 pm

      UFO’s, I like it! Good to know it’s pretty normal; I was beginning to think I was just pretending to be a knitter. I know I’m good at it (although cable still eludes me) but I never feel quite good enough. Maybe I need to start making gifts too. Thanks luv <3

  15. AlwaysARedhead

    August 7, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    I am reading your blog today but the left side of my body is in spasm. The headache from the neck spasm has me taking extra meds just to get through the day. I still have flare-ups while on the Lyrica, good days and bad days. Today is a bad day. I hope yours gets better.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 7, 2012 at 9:02 pm

      Ah sweetie. I’m sorry you’re flaring; it never seems to get any easier does it? *gentle hugs* I’ve noticed that I still have the neck spasms even though the rest of my muscles are okay. Weak, but not burning. My neck however… I had to lie down for hours yesterday just because of that pain. I feel for you, luv. Hope it passes quickly.

  16. Don't let me get me

    August 8, 2012 at 12:46 am

    I do the cover art thing too. That’s how I got into Terry Pratchett. I sometimes do it with music albums as well.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 8, 2012 at 10:58 am

      Awesome! I think I may have done it with Pratchett too, the original covers are AMAZING. I used to do it with albums (shamefully, it’s been a long time since I bought a CD) as well, and 99% of the time it worked. There’s logic in making good book/album covers.

  17. Subtlekate

    August 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

    I just had to come and say I am so thrill my little award has made it to such inspiring and brilliant blogs. :)

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      August 13, 2012 at 12:42 pm

      Hello! Why, thank you very much; I’ve followed your blog :) May I ask what the Daisy award actually means?

      • Subtlekate

        August 15, 2012 at 5:22 am

        It’s award I came up with because I saw so many bloggers overcoming hardships and I thought they needed an award that symbolised their strength. Daisies are hardy little flowers that fight frost and snow, sun and rain and they still manage to come up and make us smile.

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