Rude Awakening

Another day, another suggestion that I see my GP.

“I think you’re taking the wrong medication, the Daily Mail says Lyrica is used for anxiety but you’re on beta-blockers and Cipralex so you don’t need it all”. 

I curse the bloody Daily Mail.

Yet again, I slept badly last night. I’d napped during the day – an unsatisfying, food-avoiding fibro nap – and ended up awake until dawn. Dozed off sometime in the morning and was woken by my mother insisting I get out of bed and make an effort. Shouting about medication and having to see my doctor. I’m sick of hearing this at least once a week. Of course, I reacted; half-asleep and irritated, I burst into tears. I just wanted some peace. I wanted to wake up naturally on my own, rather than having my sleep cycle decided for me.

I used to try to avoid getting angry, but I’m tired of it now. Yes, I sleep at odd times but I’m not the only one, and is it any surprise?

Moving out can’t come too soon, but even that comes with its own hurdles. For weeks now, my mother has been trying to get me to pack my stuff away. Telling me to measure furniture and asking about curtains and toasters. Although I’m determined not to let her take over this move, I know she’s trying her best to involve herself with every aspect of it and I really don’t want her to. This is my final attempt at freedom; the first time I’ve actually moved out with a purpose. It’s mine and S’s flat, not hers… and I’m not sure how much I can humour her without blowing up in her face.

Don’t get me wrong. I know she’s trying to help. After all, she’s worried about me. Of course she is. I’m moving into a flat where I’ll have to take control of my own prescriptions and moods; but she seems to forget that S will be there too. And with the freedom living away from my mother affords, I know I’ll be happier. I know I’ll be able to move on somewhat, and hopefully work towards maybe getting to the point where I can work from home in the future and get off benefits. Living here… she’d never allow that. She’s too protective.

I’m not saying I’ll magically get better once I move away. I know there’s a lot of hard work to be done; specialists to see, tests to have, and a lot of the past needs to be dealt with before I can even begin to push on in life. I may never improve physically. I may get worse. But there’s a tiny, tiny chance that being allowed my own freedom and personality could relieve some of the stress on my shoulders and, in time, allow me to think of the future.

Yet again, I’ve wasted an entire day. After being so rudely woken I simmered in my own frustrations for hours, only venturing downstairs once to make a coffee. I avoided my mother. Didn’t offer to make a cup of tea for her. Usually I relent and accept things are never going to change, but why should I? I’m so close to that freedom – close enough to almost touch it – and here she is, still insisting I see my doctor every time I sleep in. Still combing the Daily Mail for health articles to thrust in my face as I’m trying to wake up. Still telling me to measure the walls of the new flat and fit furniture in accordingly.

Is it really the end of the world if I don’t put my desk where she wants it?

I’m tired, but doubt sleep will come easily tonight. I simply can’t cope with being woken suddenly. It throws my whole day off. I’m trying not to feel anxious, but having that bloody one-sided conversation about my fucking GP at least once a week is driving me up the wall. I’ve made no secret that I’m struggling right now; to add to the anxiety and panic attacks, I’m falling down the ED rabbit hole again. It’s so easy to do. It’s control, you see. If I control what I eat, things can’t get on top of me. Knowing I’ve hardly eaten for days is a comfort; I may not be able to deal with the stresses of every day life without freaking out, but I can restrict calories like a champion.

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12 Comments

  1. It’s incredibly easy to turn to ED behavior when everything goes crazy. That’s awesome that you are so close to freedom. My mother is a bit of a nut as well and things have gotten much better since she’s realized that I am actually capable of survival without her ridiculous measures of control. Don’t let her ruin it. Just focus on all the awesome decorating you will be able to do that she’ll hate. :P

  2. Don’t worry about suggestions or online information – only your doctor can make a determination on medications you are taking. I am sorry that you are struggling to get good quality. Because I have small children, I don’t decide my sleep cycle either but I have planned my sleep around theirs, although it can be difficult because well, I need “me time” and “catch up time.” Parents have this way of intervening just because they are parents. They mean but it doesn’t turn out well. Tell her that you need to do this one on your own and that she needs to stop worrying – you are entitled to grow up and to make mistakes for that matter. As far as the health challenges, keep educating yourself about diet and lifestyle changes to minimize symptoms – leave the medical stuff to the doctors. I am not saying that you shouldn’t read up, I am just saying – don’t let it consume you. Even the smallest of changes make a difference – having both rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, I can tell you it is a process of trial and error. I hope that you feel better soon and that you are able to steer clear of the rabbit hole.

  3. Hello, and much love from Maine! Put a sign on your door, saying, “Mother, please do not wake me up. You may…..” Whatever. But you do not have to give up a balanced circadian cycle because Mum is trying to control you. She won’t stop until you say no — Good Luck!!! 8-)

  4. my mom bothers me all the time too, but luckily she works during the day, and i do my writing and stuff when my parents are asleep, since i can’t sleep anyway. however, my parents are planning to retire in the next year or two. i have no idea how i am gonna with them being home during the day. i wish i could restrict calories like a champ. my mom constantly nags me about what i call the holy trinity: food, diet, and exercise. lol.

  5. Living with my mother would be the worst thing for me for both my physical health and my mental health. It would probably also send my ED skyrocketing. SO no matter how hard it is, know that you’re not alone. And hey, lots of us sleep and “funny hours”. :-)

  6. I think it’s great you’re moving out. You’ll screw up your meds, lock yourself out, look like shit when you feel like shit… and hate your mother off and on. I think it’s so important that people get to learn what they do, and what they don’t do because then we know what we need, and what we definitely do not need.

    Moving’s a shock, though; not an impossibility, just a shock. I’m happy for you.
    Meredith

  7. Oh I hate being woken up when i want to sleep, too! And it is so often that I go to sleep late and sleep in the next day, especially during vacations. Of course it’s not the end of the world.
    My grandmother berates me for that saying things like, ‘What will you do when you have to get up for work?’ That’s just silly of course, because when it’s Not vacations, and I have classes in the morning, I DO get up to attend them! Ugh.

    One day I got fed up and emailed my mom this article: http://www.cracked.com/article_19174_5-unexpected-downsides-high-intelligence.html

    *hint hint*

    Cheers. :D

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