Only words

You think that these are only words,
a shameless outpouring you don’t understand,
you thought that this meant nothing to me;
those feelings I offered you in my hands.

The truth should never have been so clear
in black and white, in printed ink,
you should have known what I was saying
but you didn’t see, you didn’t think
that my words could be my only way;
that just perhaps, I’m as confused as you,
you didn’t see that I could also be hurt -
that I could be feeling the same pain as you.

You held the world in your hands,
but they were just words, you just couldn’t see
that those pieces of paper, now thrown away
were everything I had of me.

(c)

Once, I showed O some of the poems I had written about all the problems we were going through together. He’d read my poetry before and praised it, and I felt it was my only way of reaching out with any real honesty. When we sat face-to-face, glaring and spitting out cheap insults, I couldn’t speak properly. Couldn’t get the words out, because I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. 

I said things I didn’t mean instead. Anything to hide what I was really thinking. I messed up so many times, saying the wrong thing entirely rather than the truth. Things which only made O shout and sulk more. 

I showed him my poetry. He knew I was falling apart.  

He read it, shrugged, said he didn’t understand it and threw the piece of paper on the floor. It lay there, half under his bed, for months. All I wanted was for him to see the truth. He refused to see. 

Posted for dVerse Poets, with the prompt:

 It’s not fall yet, but the promise of autumn seems to tease us from around the nearest corner, and offer us something better to anticipate.

The very real but difficult to express level of delight this caused me made me stop for a moment to think about the nature of amorphous concepts like anticipation, hope, despair and so forth, and how, like so much of poetry, they express something enormous that is neither physically measurable nor concrete, that only exists in the mind and spirit.

We have science for facts and process, philosophy, metaphysics and religion for the questions of existence, but for defining and expressing our own most elusive internal constructs of emotion, we only have art, poetry and music.

That’s the coded message behind the most analytic and dry poem as well as the most saccharine pop song, conveyed with varying degrees of skill and effectiveness: that we have only these tools to try to communicate a vast reservoir of fluid intangibles we all experience but have difficulty defining or expressing any other way.

As for me? I’m doing okay. Yesterday afternoon was spent tidying up in preparation for moving; today was supposed to be an exercise in extreme cleaning (my furniture is filthy from hundreds of spilled coffees and months of dust) but yet again, fibro strikes.

Food… I’m trying. I ate a small bowl of chips last night with some bread, and a pack of bread sticks. Nothing eaten so far today, but there’s time. I’m incredibly grateful for the messages of support I’ve received over the past few weeks; I know I haven’t always responded to comments but that doesn’t mean I don’t read them and take the words on board. It’s just difficult to reply when everything is so up in the air.

About these ads

20 Comments

  1. Love from one who is so HAPPY that you’re moving!!!!!!!

    I”m sorry the Fibro has kicked in, and I hope it clears soon. You ate some carbs, too — good for you! I’m glad you’re taking a stab at it, anyway.

    I absolutely celebrate yours and S.’ moving in together — I remember when we first met — moving wasn’t an option on the table then. If I may presume, I am so very proud of you! Hang in there; if the Fibro holds you back for a couple of days, at least you know how far you can get — and you’ll get there. Love and joy and happiness to the two of you!❤

  2. I agree – it is a hauntingly beautiful poem and anyone who is that callus (to throw it on the ground) does not deserve your sensitivity. Scared you would say the wrong thing??? Danger signals!!!! I am so sorry you are going through a rough time!!

  3. I am so excited for your move in with S. I just know you guys are going to be good together. AS for eating? Great job on getting up there. I know it’s a small amount, but it’s growing, and I’m proud of you.

    Your words, by the way, are beautiful. Painfully beautiful. <3

  4. It’s difficult to do anything when you’re head’s in a fug. You’ve eaten something yesterday, which is a step in the right direction. The one thing you’re learning in this journey is how to love yourself, and that takes a lot of time and a lot of effort to stop beating yourself up. Be pleased for what you have accomplished instead of beating yourself up for what you think you ought to have accomplished. *hugs*

  5. wow, lots of words among those scattered letters to come.
    this is like playing lego sets, thanks for the beautiful inspirations….

    Hello,
    Thanks for being part of Thursday Poets Rally and hope to see you continued support …your input is valued…
    We are giving you the perfect poet award for week 71 today, enjoy!
    If you take it, please nominate another poet in your poem post, and leave your acceptance link under our award post, thank you in advance!
    Happy End of August! Have A Grand September Ahead!
    Looking forward to seeing you in the rally next time again!
    Cheers!

  6. I feel for you, and totally understand. I am having med problems now, dizzy spells that make me lay down all day, and apparently all these years when I thought I had some flu bug, well I suffer from migraines, but am allergic to the meds. Go figure. I just keep thinking they are people worse off than me and that is honestly what helps me get through the day.xx

Send me love.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s