Under constellations

Constellations, satellites,
once again I am alone tonight,
a sleepless wish, a dreamless prayer
needing nothing more than for you to be there.
A broken heart, a forgotten vow,
the realisation I dont have you now,
I leave the cold tears on my face,
because I know I’m alone in my disgrace.

Cigarettes burn, ashes fall,
tonight I feel impossibly small,
my limits are pushed and my hands aren’t my own,
under constellations, entirely alone.
A pen in my hand, blue ink on my fingers,
I try to push it away but this image of you lingers,
I can still feel your body, I can still taste your breath,
I can hear your voice telling me how you loved me to death.

But the satellites no longer guide me home
I dont hear your voice on the telephone,
just a memory
of your kiss,
your touch,
perhaps…
just maybe…
I loved you too much.

(c) 2008.

Not one of my favourites at all, but this poem was written – like others in 2008 – during a time when I was falling apart entirely. I don’t know how much of my relationship failings to blame on BPD, and how much is just the result of me being entirely incompetent. I have always loved too much. Too strongly. I love with an iron grip; twisting my way around a person entirely so they can never escape. Each boyfriend has been The One, without a doubt. I’ve loved them entirely, with every ounce of my body and soul. Handed over money to fund their habits, because giving gifts means receiving more love. 

Shrugged off affairs and one night stands. Forgiven each and every man who cheated on me. Accepted it, so long as he didn’t ever leave me. It hurt – oh, it hurt like hell – but I simply couldn’t stand to lose somebody so close to me. Even if it meant sharing them. 

I needed. I wanted. I grasped. There’s a song by James called Tomorrow, which has lyrics which sum it up perfectly:

“Now your grip’s too strong, you can’t catch love with a net or a gun”

I’ve attempted to catch love using any means possible. Self-harm. Starvation. Begging. Tearing chunks of hair out as proof of my distress. Clinging to his arm even as he walks out of the door. Refusing to leave. Refusing to move. Refusing to get out of bed. Refusing to accept it’s over. 

I’ve destroyed a lot of lives.

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10 Comments

  1. No my dear, you have not destroyed a lot of lives – I can’t let you assume responsibility for anyone’s life other than your own. Did you have unhealthy relationships? Yes – as have we all. Do you bear some responsibility? Yes – as do we all. Have hearts been broken? Yes – as all of our hearts have been broken. How any of us choose to deal with our emotional pain, lost loves, failures and successes are up to each of us. And sometimes we get it right; often we get it wrong. But I can’t be silent as I read your view that you have destroyed lives…no, that’s not so..hugs, m

  2. Love from a cool Maine evening. I feel a little concern — I can tell you blame yourself for everything that ever went wrong in any relationship. Please just keep in mind that nothing happens in a relationship, unless both parties let it happen. For you to take responsibility for the lives of others is not fair to you. I was a clutcher, a grabber, a hold-on-no-matter-what kind of woman, for most of my life. Only now, years and years later, can I see that I didn’t have control over what happened, except the control I shared with my partner. I recognize and honor your feelings of responsibility; perhaps it will help if you remember that one day, you will see this differently. Please be as kind to yourself as you can — you deserve it.

  3. You loved- strongly. They did not stay. You did not destroy. It hurts when others don’t love you – or show love- in the same way you do. It really hurts, like a physical pain. Unfortunately, and it’s taken me decades to learn this, you can’t MAKE other people respond the way you want them to. Not in a loving relationship. So we are left with this hurting void. But it was their CHOICE, and that is a part of human relationships. Sorry it’s hard to hear. But it’s NOT YOUR FAULT! Ive been with my husband for 30 years. He is not demonstrative in his love ( which I crave) and I’ve learned to accept that that is who he is. He knows I have all these issues and freak out in BPD ways and that’s who I am. As we’ve accepted each other for who we ARE and not tried to change each other, we’ve stayed together. I’m sure not saying its easy because it’s not and our journey isn’t over yet. But I’ve found you can’t keep trying or even wanting others to be anything other than who they were when you first met them. Try to find something to love about yourself first. Don’t be afraid of who YOU are!

  4. I agree that you need to learn to love yourself unconditionally. No-one is perfect. You were in relationships with adults and cannot accept the blame for everything that went wrong. Cut yourself some slack. You will find that when you have learnt to love yourself others will follow suit.

Send me love.

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