Slight return

I sit. Read the comments on my last few posts. Sit a little longer. Sleep. Play computer games. Sit some more. Smoke.

Honestly? The energy isn’t there; and it frustrates me because there are so many excellent comments which deserve a well thought-out reply. So I sit, and read, and make myself forget because right now I can’t be doing with worrying over yet another thing I can’t cope with.

Food? I’m getting there, slowly. My mother’s noticed my eating habits – she screamed at me over them, in fact – and although it’s utterly terrifying I’m managing to make myself eat. It’s not easy. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, because I do need to lose weight - genuinely -  and I’m shit-scared of bloating and the idea of calories sloshing around in my stomach when I’ve come this far. I’ve been told in the past to worry about losing weight sensibly when my ED’s are under control, but what nobody seems to understand is that my ED’s are never under control where weight loss of any kind is concerned.

S is being incredibly supportive, in his own way. I feel safe eating around him, and he doesn’t push me. My mother… she thinks she can shout at me until I eat again.

 

I have an appointment at the biomechanics clinic in the morning. Friday, I’m taking my incredibly phobic mother to the dentist. And some time in the next couple of weeks I’m moving in with S. There’s 27 years of shit to sort through before I can even consider fitting it all in a van. Most has to go to charity. In a way I’m glad; I want shut of this life now. I’ve been stagnating for far too long in a seemingly endless cycle of bad boyfriends and ruined friendships, all while festering in this house and wasting my life away. I want to start again.

About these ads

18 Comments

  1. Love from Maine, where I am sitting at my NEW DESK! I think it’s great that you are ready to move on and out. S. will be so good for you in so many ways — just having a home where no one shouts will be a real treat. I’m praying for you, my friend, and I don’t pray for too many people, so hopefully I’ve saved up all kinds of spiritual energy to aim at you! 8-)

  2. Take it easy, and remember that you don’t have to get all back there right away. If you need to sit there and smoke and play computer games, do it. Sometimes, it’s more healthy to indulge other things than obsess over the things you have difficulty with, you know?

  3. I know I have mentioned this about a million times, but I’m genuinely stoked for your move. I think a fresh start is going to be lovely for you and S. Who knows where this will take you two. I’ve been the same way when it comes to the energy as of late. I’m sorry ):

    But hey, smile, and be happy because you’ve got a ton of support from this one. :3
    Loves!

  4. Anyone whos ever had an eating disorder should know that there there isnt any break from it when it comes to losing weight, and everyone else will never understand. I can be doing fine with eating but the second I start trying to lose weight, which I honestly do need to do, its right back there screaming at me to not eat, and move, move, move. I understand. I also get the mom thing. My moms doing the opposite though. Shes pushing me to start working out again. Hugs hun.

  5. I was just thinking today that not being able to write when I was mentally not well was a real blessing even though it was frustrating at the time. The thing is that when you’re not mentally well, your thinking gets all skewed and you don’t fully realize it until you’re starting to feel better. If I had been able to write when I was not mentally well, I would have written a bunch of crap that seemed very real at the time but I would be horrified at having written later. I know everyone – the entire world – makes you feel like you need to be pushing yourself all the time. But I have found that it just doesn’t work when your head’s not working properly. Hang in there. Don’t worry about doing things you just can’t. And please don’t feel pressured to leave a response! ;)

  6. Wow, so hard on urself. U are in sssooo many lives, your profoundly significant to the world,
    personally, your posts are so helpful to me and honest.
    Ur a light house in a dark and unfriendly world, keeping me on track reminding me that my issues are normal too. I hope you feel the warmth of my message and know how important you are.

    Note: Pot makes hunger and the cycle goes on, don’t blame urself.
    Maybe pot is a self medication for relaxing, there are others.

  7. The only drug which helped was dextroamphetamine salts (trade name: Adderall; street name: Speed. I take an enormous volume, but maybe you’d take enough to boost energy, focus thought, and motivate you. My life was a virtual hell, a prison term if you will, before I discovered Adderall.

  8. Don’t often comment, but it sounds to me like you’ve got a good idea of where/when you’re headed, and a positive aspect to move towards. Good luck in all of it and know that some of us out here are praying (to whichever Higher Power you’d like) for you.

    Dan.

  9. I know how hard eating (properly) is with an ED, especially when other are making it even harder. Just take your time, do what makes you comfortable, do what you can and want.

    I hope sorting things out and moving in with S. will be a new, fresh start for you. :) *hugs*

  10. I don’t have the problem with a history of an ED (it’s rare for males) so my lack of interest in food over the last week has been written off to a change in my meds.

    After reading your posts over time I’m not sure how you’ve done it, but I’m really glad you share it on a regular basis. Sometimes your posts are the highlight of my day because I feel like I’m so alone. The comments on here help too because there are others that fight just has hard.

  11. Best of luck to you! I think moving in with S will give you the fresh new start you’ve been so desperately needing. It won’t make all the struggles go away but it will certainly make them easier to cope with. Be well xxox

  12. just finished a move from usa to ireland. decided we had to go in mid july. sorted packed stored gave away trashed argued got into dublin aug 28. moved into a rental on galway bay 10 sept. still unpacking stuff – but what an adventure. all the best wishes on the move. it can be done and
    it will be worth it.

Send me love.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s