Colours

A watered down version of myself
A person you never knew before
With shadows fading and colours shading
Head in my hands, heart on the floor.

A paler person than I used to be
A half-hearted attempt at someone like me
I threw all my colours into you
Sold my substance, because selling’s all I knew.

I thought I could change
That I wouldn’t fade
That I could use kisses
To block out the shame
But I lost all my colour
My inks are all dry
Today I crawl
but tomorrow, you’ll fly.
An unfinished drawing
An unwritten word
Running on empty
Running so scared
Shades lighter than I used to be
A lesser version, a shadow of me.

Always the darkness
Bleaching my skin
Always your distance
Wearing me thin
I gave you my colours
I gave you my word
I gave you the truth
But you never heard.
An unfinished story
An unwritten line
Brightness now fading
Disappearing with time,
A colder heart
Filled with your disease,

You took all my colours
But you never saw me.

(c)

I was scared. O and I had been walking in a local park, after an argument had erupted at a vehicle rally. The same rally I first met Ally at; as she stuck out her hand and looked me straight in eye, I disliked her instantly. Didn’t trust her. I may be paranoid, but more often than not I’m right when it comes to a girl moving in on my boyfriend. 

When O told me he wanted me to sleep with other people, I didn’t understand what he meant. Did it mean he wanted a get out of jail free card to have sex with somebody else? Was it a test? It seemed so unlike him – O was a very jealous boyfriend, just as I was a jealous girlfriend – that I was totally confused by his sudden change in personality. 

I don’t know why I thought O might love me more if I followed his instructions. At the time I was called a lot of names – slag, whore – but  honestly believed I was doing what he said out of love. To please him. To be the girlfriend he wanted me to be. And I wanted affection; I’ll never deny that. Even the affection a fumbling, horrible shag with a grunting older man gave me. I closed my eyes and went elsewhere. Pretending it wasn’t happening. Just trying to make sense of it all.

I will always regret it.

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11 Comments

  1. There is not one among us that does not have a “oh damn I wish I hadn’t” in our past. I applaud you for pulling it out and looking at it. Life is about lessons, some not so easy but lessons none the less. I say take what you’ve learned from this and move forward. You are a different person now, wiser. xx

  2. A quote from one of the Sisters here (who I think is now deceased): Forgiveness is accepting that there is no hope of a better past.

    In other words, it’s a case of accepting the regrets and moving on. And you’re totally strong enough to do that.

  3. We all have made bad choices that we regret. When the darkness inside ourselves hides who we really are it is so easy to become someone that someone else “wants” us to be. We can even do things that are against our nature. At times like this it is easier to forgive others and we tend to be unforgiving towards ourselves. You are right, those are hard regrets to let go of.

    Just remember, you are beautiful and are getting stronger everyday. Focus on the joy in front of you and the regrets behind will eventually fade away.

  4. You can’t beat yourself up over it. It’s a lesson learned. You were young, naive and impressionable and eager to please someone. You’re a better person for it now. You have a wonderful boyfriend, you’re on your own and have a great future together! I’m like you, I always look back and think “wow, why?” or “I wish I had done this”. But there’s nothing I can do about it. And thinking about it just frustrates me more. I just have to learn from it and hope I don’t make those same mistakes.

Send me love.

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