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I confess

23 Jan

The drugs just aren’t doing it for me,
chemical sleep has lost its appeal
and I confess, I considered tonight
that it might be easier just not to feel.

To slip away, to take a bow,
Admit defeat and fall from my grace
and would you miss me, would you notice;
how long would it take to forget my face?

You forgot me once, you can do it again,
after all, this is only a release
breaking free from the prison we built together
in the hope, of maybe, one night of peace.

I confess, this is serious,
and if I had the strength I would leave tonight
I wish I was brave, that I wouldn’t miss you
that this time I could really give up the fight.

An empty bottle in front of me,
and pills I know I’ll never take
just further proof of my personal failings
evidence of the depression I could never shake.

Another scar to my collection,
a canvas I paint to remind me of you
to prove this reality was never a nightmare
but a waking hell, which I’m still going through.

I confess, it would be so easy,
Just a slip of the hand, just one step too far
but I’m not brave, I feel too afraid
to let myself go, to reopen these scars.

Yet I fantasise of how easy it would be,
for you to live your life without me there
I confess I think of setting you free
sometimes it’s the only way that ever seems fair.

If I left today, would you notice?
Would you realise, I did this for you?
If I slipped away past an exit sign,
would you see it as failure, or something I needed to do?

I try to remember every word you ever said,
the times you loved me, the times you were sweet
I confess, I want to forget
to make this easier for me to leave.

But how can I go when you hold me like that;
when you whisper so quietly only I can hear?
I confess, you keep me from dying,
from collapsing under the weight of my fears.

(c)

“Suicide” is a word I don’t like typing. It’s such a final solution, and the word itself makes me feel uncomfortable about the actions I’ve taken in the past. I may occasionally mention my flirts with causing my own death, but I try not to go into much detail because, in truth, I’m ashamed.

I’m ashamed to know I even tried, mostly over such trivial things. New colleges and threats of break-ups. Arguments with my mother. They seem such petty reasons but back then I couldn’t judge whether an incident was serious or minor, and everything felt like a horrific attack on everything I am. The panic and psychosis (for there was psychosis; hallucinations and imagined conversations) drove me into a ball of fear and confusion and, somehow, I decided that suicide was the only logical answer to a world of horror. 

Last week, a man lay down on the train tracks between my house and Z’s, and killed himself. I heard the sirens and saw sketchy details appear on Facebook, but I still can’t let myself accept that somebody was in so much torment that they felt the only way to solve it was to climb over the barriers as traffic waited at the crossing, and wait for the train to hit; somebody just a couple of roads away from where I was sitting was going through something most people never – thankfully – have to experience.

I find myself wondering what he was like; why he felt he had to take that step, and do something so damn final. I wish I’d had the chance to know him, somehow.

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10 Comments

Posted by on January 23, 2013 in Every day life

 

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10 responses to “I confess

  1. susieq777

    January 23, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Part of me feels a certain awe that someone could actually go through with it. I daydream about it when the days are particularly bad and I feel like I’m in hell with no turning circle, but to actually DO it … my heart goes out to him. And to you. And to me, too, and anyone who has felt like that.

     
    • halfwaybetweenT

      January 23, 2013 at 1:28 pm

      I understand that sense of awe entirely. Z and I were talking about it yesterday, and we struggled to find the right word – “respect” isn’t correct, but it’s the closest we could think of – to describe that feeling of knowing somebody did something so outright final. I suppose it’s something you think of differently when you’ve experienced that feeling yourself, whether you’ve gone through with it or not.

       
  2. GrayEyedAthena

    January 23, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Your powers of self-reflection and honesty are commendable. There is something certainly… inspiring? about suicide. Whether its inspiration rooted in the ultimate self-centered action or rooted in some kind of transcendent spirituality I guess we’ll never know.

     
  3. rootstoblossom

    January 23, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    This poem resonates with me. I get it. I’ve been there. And that last stanza makes me want to hug my husband, the reason I am still alive. And hug my kids, who I would never have met if my suicide attempts had succeeded.

     
  4. Ben Naga

    January 24, 2013 at 12:17 am

    Reblogged this on Ben Naga and commented:
    I’m not saying this is necessarily something I would write, or in just these words, but I can certainly resonate, a number of my readers will, I think, appreciate. And then again, on reflection …

     
  5. tarasinherheadagain

    January 24, 2013 at 5:44 am

    Your writing is beautiful; you are gifted. I’ve thought of suicide myself, at various points. I didn’t go through with it because I have 5 beautiful children who need me. I couldn’t devastate their precious little lives (forever) by doing that. I’m grateful I didn’t now that I’m on the other side of it. I understand depression. Some days are better, some days you just don’t feel you can go on. But-you CAN go on. You’re here. You’re special. You’re talented. You’re insightful. Continuing hanging on to whatever threads are keeping you here. If you don’t know your purpose now, at some point you WILL.
    I wish you peace.
    Tara

     
  6. judithatwood

    January 24, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    Love from a blustery day in Maine — Perhaps if you could have spoken to that man, you might have told him that things do get better, but that he must be patient, because change takes so much time.

     
  7. faithhopechocolate

    January 25, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Perhaps you wish you could have known him because if you had done, he might have felt he could talk to you about his experiences because of your past experiences, and then he might not have done what he did? You’re a kind and generous soul.

    I hope and pray that he’s now at peace.

    Xxx

     
  8. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital)

    January 31, 2013 at 7:19 am

    I hope that us suicidal people would never go through with it. But I know, I totally understand that it’s a tough existence. Being sick and not seeing a way out. I wish you the very best, I really do. X

     
  9. katya kitchen

    January 31, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    I just finished reading a book from Paulo Coelho ( Veronika decides to die)…similar thoughts! I really liked it!

     

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