The fight never seems to end

Life is good. It is also equally bad. It’s strange to feel this way; things have always tended towards the negative, and so far my life has mostly been 95% bad, 5% good… and it hasn’t been rare to be trapped in a cycle of 0% good, unable to see anything positive either in the present or the future. Heck, there’s been a ridiculous number of times when I couldn’t even see a future.

The fibro flare is lifting, and I’ve been able to function pretty well today. Getting up at two pm wasn’t exactly the plan – I wanted to get up with S when he goes to work at eight am – but otherwise I achieved a few minor things. Washed up. Tidied a little. Swept the kitchen floor and emptied the bathroom bin. Had a shower, washed and dried my hair. I’m trying; as much as I find it difficult to see any real hope for the future at the moment, I am making a small effort to do the normal everyday things and occasionally interact with people other than S and my mother. Socialising has… become an issue. I’ve been wobbling with trust issues for months now, and I’m finding it incredibly difficult to allow myself to even speak to other people face-to-face. Every time I open my mouth, or type something online… I’m questioning whether I’ve said too much, given somebody ammunition. Logically, I know that mistrust is pretty unfounded, but since when did logic feature in my mind?

paranoid

www.techwench.com

It’s strange. I know my fears are unfounded, yet I can’t help feeling persecuted in some way. My awareness of what’s BPD and what’s me is becoming more clear, and I can see the profound differences between my normal personality and the borderline part of who I am. Although I know these feelings are entirely caused by BPD, there’s still part of my mind which refuses to let me look at the situation rationally and comfort myself. I no longer fly into uncontrollable panics over absolutely nothing, but I know those freak-outs are just sitting under the surface, and sometimes they feel so horribly close that I can’t bear it. I’ve let them creep in lately; convincing myself that S will leave, that I’ll do or say something stupid, that I’m not pretty enough or thin enough to have such a wonderful boyfriend. That people are whispering behind my back. Hating me for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint.

I’m taking my medication, but I’m not convinced it’s working that well; although Cipralex had problems towards the end, Duloxetine just doesn’t seem to have that ability to take away all the nasty things I can’t cope with.

pills pills-3734b1
simplysara.me

I suppose I just feel frustrated now. I’ve come so far, and there are still hurdles. I was once naive enough to think that life would get easier one day but now I wonder if that’s just a myth; if the whole thing isn’t a lie.

I mean, I’m happy. I am. For the first time in my entire life I can say I’m genuinely happy. I just don’t like knowing the fight never seems to end.

______

About these ads

10 Comments

  1. I am delighted to read you are happy but I am sorry you are still struggling. Life sometimes is just an uphill climb all the way through, it’s not fair, it just is. You are so strong and have come so far I know you will continue to find reasons to keep on keeping on. xx

  2. HI, honey. Lots of love from a quiet night in Maine. I certainly understand the feeling you describe — just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But let me cut you in on a secret — everyone feels that way a lot of the time. THe myth is that BPD is so different — I know it feels that way, but I know some of the bloggers you follow, because I follow them too — Every one of them, and everyone you see around you, and every human who ever walked the earth has had a bit of that trepidation at least once in their lives — most a lot more than once.

    If you can just believe that others are as frightened as you, you might begin to feel that you aren’t so different. You’ve had much more than your share of pain and the horrors of BPD; that is patently unfair. But I could pick a dozen people of any street in any city and they are as fearful of what they might do in a moment of weakness as you and I are. Even S. has some fear — perhaps if you opened up a little about one or two of those fears to him, he would share some of his with you, and you will see that he doesn’t expect you to walk a tightrope of perfect mental control. These suggestions are what have worked for me — I hope they might help you as well.

    I mean this seriously — you are not so fucked up as you think you are, and you are flat out beautiful. Try to keep that in mind, Lots of love –

  3. I’m having a lot of the same issues too. I just took my first shower in I don’t know how many days and although I’m going to work and intersecting I can’t seem to clean my house for the life of me. My parents are coming over tomorrow and I know they’ll give me a hard time if they see it.

  4. You’ve been through quite a lot to get to where you are, and life is definitely like a roller-coaster. Some bits of it are great, you feel the wind rushing in your hair and you can scream with excitement. But some bits are really, really tough – the bit where you’re slowly cranking up the incline until the drop or the woosh or the really, really, really scary bit where they take your photograph while you’re upside down and screaming blue murder.

    One of the things a couple of the Sisters say is that they “just keep chugging along”. A bit like a train, one of the proper steam locomotives, that just chuggs along regardless of where the track is going. Perhaps life is a bit more like that; we just have to keep on chugging along and somedays it’s good chugging (say on a flat) some days are really hard work chugging (like you’re the train that takes people up Snowdon) and some days are really fantastic chugging (like you’re the train coming down off Snowdon).

    Anyway, I’m still praying for you. Xxx

    • Did you ever hear the story of the little train who thought he could? Chugging up a steep hill, going “I think I can, I’m sure I can”? My mother used to say I was like him; I keep on going, even if I get there very slowly. I suppose it’s something which has protected me over the years.

      And thank you; I think of you often, picturing the retreat! I’m still thinking of having a holiday sometime. xx

  5. Sorry that you’re struggling, but you are doing really well and you are very strong! It’s great that you’ve been able to do some housework etc, and you’re right about the paranoia – these things aren’t logical, but that’s why we have to work at them. Hugs :) xx

Send me love.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s