So why don’t you slide

Earlier, S asked if I fancied a takeaway – curry from our favourite restaurant – and I agreed. Later he went out with a friend to buy some tools. They’re working on the basement beneath our flat, as technically that’s included in the rent. It’s currently filled with the last owner’s belongings; stacks and stacks of paintings, canvas, frames, lamps, chairs, books… Bob was a hoarder, and a painter. His work’s pretty good actually. Now he’s dead and his wife is in a nursing home (she went downhill very rapidly when he died), somebody has to clear it all. The basement is pretty big, taking up most of the floor space of the house, so it’s a mammoth task.

Anyway, while they were out I got a call from S. He asked me if I wanted to go to the restaurant with his mates instead of getting a takeaway.

Did I do the right thing when I said, “it’s okay, I’m not up to it. You can go along anyway”?

I wasn’t lying. I’m truly not up to it. I tried going for a short walk earlier, and by the time I returned, I was struggling to breathe and sweating like crazy. It’s been so long since I’ve had ‘proper’ exercise. That walk used to take me five minutes. Today, it took thirty.

Straight away S’s tone changed; the first time I’ve ever really heard it do so. He said, “oh. Okay. But we were going to have a takeaway.”

I shrugged him off, “it’s fine, I’m really, really not up to it. We can do it another time”.

He agreed, but… he didn’t sound happy. It’s only when I ended the call that I began to feel that familiar twinge of panic.

Image

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god you fucking idiot oh god oh god.

I have never once done something (to my knowledge, anyway) to make S angry or disappointed. Unlike my relationship with O, I’ve managed to keep my irrational emotions in check; at least until I’m alone. I’m so determined not to fuck this up. I know it’s classic BPD to say, “oh, I love him so much, he’s my everything, I want to be with him forever” but all that’s got me in the past is a string of disastrous relationships and far too much bitterness. I almost have my head around that now, and the medication certainly helps me keep the more extreme aspects of my behavior in check. So while I know that these feeling might be BPD tricking me and that mental illness has a habit of making me cling to somebody like fuck… I want to believe this is real. I’m pretty sure I know, deep down, I love S with all my heart; how could I not? He’s the only man who has never condescended me. Who has never given me reason to suspect him of wrongdoing. The only man who I’ve felt comfortable enough with to let the mask slip.

I know I love him.

And now I’m scared.

scared-woman

So what did I do? I went straight for the Tramadol.

I’m now sitting at the kitchen table, trying and failing to calm myself with a joint. The urge to crawl into bed and hide under the duvet is overwhelming.

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8 Comments

  1. *hugs* I wonder if he was worried about you, rather than disappointed. Without having more to go on, it’s all I can think of, but he’s been sweet and caring enough that I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. Besides, you should be able to be honest about it when you feel like crap. Just breathe. Get through this moment, and don’t beat yourself up about the one that’s past.

  2. The main thing I have to say is…don’t panic! You may find that as you get your bipolarism (is that even a word?) under control, you do things a bit differently. You didn’t want to go out and you gave yourself permission to go with that. My husband is having problems with the “new me” because I draw a line and take care of myself first before giving in to other people requests or demands. Hang in there. It going to be OK.

  3. You absolutely did the right thing. I do Not think it is a good idea to lie to someone you are in a relationship with, and by telling S the truth, you really did the right thing. Suppose you had gone along anyway. You would’ve been in a lot of pain, and I don’t think he would’ve liked to see you struggle. I doubt you would have enjoyed yourself, and I doubt he would have either.

    Don’t be scared.

  4. Ah, shame you didn’t get a curry take away in the end. I’ve seen lots of things like this happen between my sister and her husband since I’ve been staying here. It’s so difficult to have good communication. It’s like a lifetime of work! And things get confused and regrets occurr and it’s very tough. So don’t be too hard on yourself because you are far from the only one that this happens to.

    Sending you my thoughts xx

  5. He probably wanted to show off his wonderful girl to his mates, and was sad that you weren’t able to be there to be shown off, as well as concerned about your being ok.

    Tell him about having been for a walk, it’ll help him understand, and please look after yourself. If you don’t think you could say it out loud, write him a note, then go and curl up in the duvet. It’s ok to let out the negative feelings, in fact, I’d say it was pretty vital, otherwise if you don’t get rid of them they’ll stay in your head and breed.

    *sending love*

  6. Lots of love from a beautiful spring day in Maine. The answer, as far as I can tell, would be to talk to S. about this, soon. If you ask, he will either say yes or no, he was or wasn’t hurt. The worst thing you could do to yourself is to attempt to read his mind, and then react to what you think he feels. Ask him, and you will know, and then you can decide if you need to do any repair work between you. Please try not to backstep too far — you are doing so well! I just finished writing a post about this very issue — I hope it helps a little.

  7. Oh Darling! You are speaking directly to my heart here. I am preparing myself to leave my relationship of five years next week… Scares the sh*t out of me and I am panicking more and more these days. But what resonates with me is something I am not used to at all… A man being uberly nice to me. Making me feel worthwhile and loved. Like you I question things at every turn… Does he really -fill in the blank-?? Is a constant litany in my head.
    You are loveable. You are perfectly amazing. You deserve him and to be happy. But you also desrve your alone time if that’s what you want. Don’t apologize for yourself. You are you and want what you want and don’t want what you don’t want. And that’s fine.
    Best always,
    xo – S.

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