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These wounds are all self-imposed

06 Apr

I fell apart yesterday. In hindsight, it was coming; there’s only so long I can keep things secret before I blow, and I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. I cried all day. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much.

I’m not coping. There, I said it. Why has it taken me six months to admit this? I know I’ve admitted that things are hard at the moment, but not how hard – I suppose there’s still the fear someone I know will read this. You know what? Fuck them. This is my outlet, not theirs.

Depression

My Medicated Cartoon Life

I’m horribly, hideously depressed. There aren’t words to describe just how lost I feel, and I’m so worried about admitting this because I don’t want to be seen as an attention seeker. Things have… escalated, very quickly. I’ve stopped eating properly – avoiding food all day then binging at night – and the urge to self-harm over the tiniest thing is incredibly strong.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with a doctor. I’d been vomiting for three days, unable to take any medication and struggling to cope with the combination of disability and needing to run to the bathroom every five minutes. The anxiety was beyond extreme, and I could hardly speak without bursting into terrified tears. As soon as I got to the surgery I started panicking and crying, begging my mum not to leave me (she insisted on coming to my appointment because I was so on edge), and once I saw the doctor I became an absolute wreck. I explained how I hate being on so much medication, how my life had become a pathetic cycle of pills, sleep, and insomnia. It went… okay, I suppose. I have another appointment in a week – I assume to check I haven’t topped myself – and I’ve been taken off the anti-inflammatories because my stomach’s utterly destroyed, and been given a much lower dose of the anti-depressant to stop me withdrawing. Duloxetine simply isn’t working for me, so we’re going to try putting me back on Cipralex next week in the hope it’ll stop the panic, or at least control it a little. It used to work wonderfully, and I was useless without it.

Dylan Moran

It took until 1am for me to finally break down in front of S. I haven’t really spoken to him about my mental health – it’s something I’ve always wanted to keep separate from our relationship – but last night was impossible. I simply couldn’t stop crying. I tried to go to bed early, but just lay sobbing in the dark. Eventually, I wrapped a blanket around myself, walked into the living room, and said, “is it okay if I be an emotional wreck in here with you? I’m not keen on doing it on my own”.

He was amazing. We sat on the sofa, his arm around me and my head on his chest, and I told him everything. Not about the tablet abuse, but I think he knows about that anyway. I told him I couldn’t see a future; not just between us, but no future at all. I was too scared to even try looking forwards because everything fucks up eventually. Truthfully, I’ve given up. There have been times recently where, if someone had offered me a quick and painless way out, I’d have taken it.

Somehow, its harder now that I want to make something of myself. In the past, I wasn’t bothered because I didn’t believe I would ever amount to anything, but now… I want a life. I want to go out and see people and speak to other humans. I want to be able to use public transport without having to put mental blinkers on so I don’t panic. I want to be able to eat normally, and sleep properly. I just want to be something close to normal, whatever that is. I want to feel okay.

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9 Comments

Posted by on April 6, 2013 in Every day life

 

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9 responses to “These wounds are all self-imposed

  1. K Cutler

    April 6, 2013 at 3:09 am

    I wish I could give you a big hug right now. This broke my heart for you. You don’t have to fix everything all at once – just take one teeny tiny step at a time. And know that you’re not alone.

     
  2. woahbamalam

    April 6, 2013 at 3:17 am

    I understand absolutely, entirely, what you are describing. There’s a light ahead, it takes time and inner strength but you will get there. I had to remember baby steps, and talking to people. Keeping the communication channels open was literally what allowed me to survive. Peace to you my love, I’m thinking if you x

     
  3. Rebecca Trotter

    April 6, 2013 at 5:13 am

    I spent several months recently devoting a ridiculous amount of time to convince myself that I can’t commit suicide. I would make myself imagine my 17 year old son finding me or my 3 year old asking for me over and over. It was the only thing that kept me alive. You are not alone. I finally got on meds that are helping. I haven’t seriously considered killing myself in a couple of weeks now. You will get there as well. This does not go on forever. All you have to do right now is take your next breath. And then do it again. That’s it. Please hang in there. And you’re right – fuck them. It’s not attention seeking. It’s reality. If anyone else doesn’t get it. Fuck em.

     
  4. tersiaburger

    April 6, 2013 at 7:16 am

    I wish there was a magic cure for depression. I wish I had words to make you feel better. Hugs and good wishes!

     
  5. Monique"s FM/CFS Blog

    April 6, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Thank you for sharing this post. I have been fighting these same feelings for a long time. Until I became ill with this condition I never knew what it felt like to feel alone, and with this this I feel completely alone most of the time. My saving grace has been my husband, who although does not truly understand, is welling to give me hand to hold on to and pick me up when I want to crumble. I send gentle hugs your way and hope and pray that blue sky’s appear for you very soon. You are indeed not alone. I have been told that you have to take it one day at at time, I have however found that some days you have to talk it a second at a time, in which I have found that the days are easier to get through. Thoughts and prayers are with you always, along with a hand to hold on to…

     
  6. Don't let me get me

    April 6, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Tender and tired eh? Me too. I’m on cipralex as well. Tried coming off it last week, not my best idea ever. Take care as best you can.

     
  7. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital)

    April 7, 2013 at 12:35 am

    Hugs to you and cheers of support.

    I understand the awfulness of all of this you are going through. Insomnia, depression, only managing to eat at night time, all that jazz.

    But you have determination and a wish to get better. Without those things, it’s difficult to get anywhere really (ie, me) but you’ve got a good start there to work on.

    All the best x

     
  8. faithhopechocolate

    April 7, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    *sending love*

    What you want is a very, very strong and positive thing. You want to be able to enjoy the simple things. That’s one huge great silver lining just there. Yes, you may be at the bottom of the depression well right now, but you haven’t lost sight of where you want to be.

    I hope and pray that your medical appointment will bring you the help you deserve and need.

    *sends more love and hugs*

     
  9. apronsandappetites.com

    April 8, 2013 at 2:39 am

    Oh to be able to “pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.” I can only tell you that people need you. We need you. Need you. You.

     

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