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My bed feels larger than when I was small

10 May

 

I’m tired of struggling through every day. Of pushing and pulling and forcing myself to at least seem okay. I’m tired of speaking and having the words come out jumbled before they can even leave my mouth. Of sleeping only when beyond exhaustion. Of making excuses. Of seeing the sunrise every single morning, having been awake all night. Of not being able to find a single bit of beauty in it.

Today, I broke all my personal promises and posted my feelings on Facebook. Oh, not the big stuff – that’s for here only – but I went into far more detail than I’ve ever felt comfortable with, and I’m still not comfortable with it now. I only did it because I can’t take unrealistic expectations anymore; I have never, ever been able to cope with being expected to act a certain way and, truthfully, I’m sick of pretending.

I was pulling myself out of it, with the help of antidepressants which have been proven to work for me. I was trying really goddamn hard, and I was almost there. I’d started eating normally again, and having showers. Things seemed to be on the up emotionally, even if they weren’t so great physically.

Then… just one little thing. That’s all it takes.

I don’t even know what that little thing was. All I know is I’m sitting on the sofa after leaving S in bed. I cried all day. I realised I just can’t take this. Everything. The pain. The sickness. The tiredness. Any of it.

 

world

I’ve been vomiting again, and the conclusion my mother and I came to is that it’s stress. Truthfully, I accepted this explanation because the idea of facing just one more doctor is too much to bear. I’ve thought about it throughout the day though, and I realise it’s probably true; even on days when I don’t feel like a total emotional wreck, I’m still terrified of what will become of me, and it’s like a ball of pure acid in my stomach to even consider the future.

Can I even see a future for myself?

Not really.

I’m relying on those closest to me – my mother, S, and a couple of people I’ve come to call friends – to keep me afloat, because if left to my own devices I begin to sink almost instantly. I can no longer talk to Z about any of this; it became apparent a while ago that we’re probably never going to be on the same page when it comes to life.

Just like last time, the vomiting has kicked off feelings I’d rather not have; feelings of calorie counting and tape measures. Truthfully I hardly need to worry about such things since eating has become incredibly difficult with the constant nausea and risk of sudden projectile sickness, but something inside decided to worry about it anyway. I’ve lost a lot of weight without even trying over the past few months, and you’d think I’d be ecstatic but instead I almost feel cheated because I didn’t do it myself. So, yet again, I grab for control.

I don’t even believe my own lies about having control anymore. I know nothing I do gives me the slightest safety.

 

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15 Comments

Posted by on May 10, 2013 in Every day life

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

15 responses to “My bed feels larger than when I was small

  1. Don't let me get me

    May 10, 2013 at 3:27 am

    Hyperbole and a Half is back posting. Read for some comfort?

     
  2. K Cutler

    May 10, 2013 at 8:26 am

    I always love your honesty. I’ve been there too my friend – nausea, vomitting, stress, depression, eating disorders. sending you a virtual hug.

     
  3. schizoiert

    May 10, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    That you posted something on Facebook is a breakthrough. The question is just, if this is positive or negativ. I think you have done something you maybe have never exprected from yourself to do and that’s a positive thing.

     
  4. anxiouselephant

    May 10, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful at the moment. Please try to be honest with those close to you and let them support you. Hope things improve soon – sending hope and hugs xxx

     
  5. Joyce

    May 11, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    I feel unrelenting fatigue every day. I have for years. Showering? I might as well try climbing Mt. Everest. It would probably be easier! People don’t understand me. I hope you feel better soon. Sending you lots of hugs.

     
  6. Joyce

    May 11, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Reblogged this on MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!.

     
  7. Anna :o]

    May 11, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    Hugs to you my friend.

    I am glad that you have become close to your mother as it seems that the parting of the ways, you grabbing your independence has been beneficial to you both. You have people close to you who you love and who care for you – and that is a positive.

    Wish your physical pain could be sorted out as the lack of it, or at least control of it would rid you of some, hopefully most of your emotional pain.

    Hugs.

    Anna :o]

     
  8. Katinka

    May 11, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    Stress is a big trigger. Take care of yourself. Hope you feel better soon.

     
  9. faithhopechocolate

    May 12, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    *sends love and hugs*

    Praying for you, still/always. Xxx

     
  10. dee

    May 15, 2013 at 1:45 am

    Wow, someone like me. I have the same things as you. I’ve had CFS for 17 years, I struggle physically and mentally with this everyday. I was diagnosed with borderline after I ended up in the hospital for suicidal actions 2 years after I was diagnosed with CFS, the stress of the illness triggering it. I’ve been in the hospital 4 times since. They would adjust my antidepressant throw mood stabilizers at me, pay no attention to my CFS, probably thinking it was all in my mind. The winter and spring so far have been bad, winter CFSs was bad and that led to increasing depression. I was pretty desperate here a few weeks ago, thinking of giving up, a lot of suicidal idealization, so I reached out to mental health crisis and they hooked me up with a counsellor an She started me on Abilify 6 days ago and I swear I think its working, I feel lot less anxiety. My anxiety had me literally tearing my hair out ands banging my head in the wall, I felt like my brain was exploding and melting all at once. So, I really, really feel for you and I really relate. I also recently found a book that’s helping me cope with my CFS, ” how to be sick” by Toni Bernhard. I think its very very hard for people with )borderline to cope with chronic illness. If you need to, email me.

     
  11. Rum Punch Drunk

    May 17, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Depression is no joke and I appreciate that you have allowed all of us into your feelings. So many people struggle day after day without help and support. It’s very important that people are real with their feelings and don’t pretend that all is well when it clearly isn’t. This way, they can get help or medication more quickly if needed.

    I’m so glad that you have safe people around you to help, which is very important as they can keep an eye out for any signs that things are not going well etc, and that you have found antidepressants which work well for you.

    This is a very interesting, honest, upfront and well written post.

     
    • Joyce

      May 17, 2013 at 12:11 pm

      Exactly! People shouldn’t have to pretend they’re fine when they’re not. And it is important for others to watch for signs of depression. Sometimes they will notice things before you do yourself.

       
  12. Lafemmeroar

    June 30, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    I wish I can say something to soothe you … All I can say is to hang in there. You’ve come this far. From what I’ve read you are aware and awareness is a powerful tool in healing. Keep expressing yourself. It’s cathartic and detoxifying. You are a beautiful work in progress … never forget that!!!!!!

     
  13. Nicki

    July 2, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Hoping you’re okay, I see you haven’t posted in a while – hang on in there.

     
  14. Don't let me get me

    July 7, 2013 at 10:56 am

    I hope the lack of posting means all is well.

     

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