About the author

My favourite flavour of ice cream is raspberry ripple.

I left school at thirteen.

I’m not half as pretentious as I sound.

I have fibromyalgia.

I knit, mostly hats and scarves as they’re easiest.

I own a guitar, but don’t play it.

I am in love with a lab assistant.

Cotton wool terrifies me.

I was the first (and only) Brownie in my pack to get the astronomy badge.

I have borderline personality disorder.

My weight hovers above the ideal.

My favourite books are Girlfriend In A Coma by Douglas Copeland, and Gormenghast by Mervyn Peake.

Television doesn’t appeal to me much.

I am a die-hard fan of The Smiths.

I’m a vegetarian.

My favourite words are kumquat, haberdashery, hyperbole and sequester.

I chain smoke.

Buying toiletries is an addiction I can’t seem to quit.

I seriously dislike the word  mitten.

I have been hospitalised for bulimia.

I hate introducing myself.


  1. Hi,

    I have been dealing with medical conditions since birth too. I have Thalassemia Major. So I could relate to the feelings you have poured out in the few posts I read. Life is just so hard. But having a place to pour it all out definitely gives a bit of comfort.

    Will definitely visit this blog again.
    Take care, Best wishes.
    (owner of blog Golden Smiles and Tears of Poetry.)

  2. I really like the fact, that you have favourite words. I like “sequestrum” too. To me in English some words for terrible medicine-related things seem beautiful. I like “Tourniquet” and “Syringe”. (German pendants are “Stauschlauch” and “Spritze” – yuck!) I am thankful for learning the word “haberdashery” – it was new to me and I like it, though I don’t consider it to be as nice as “sequestrum”. There is this – well I don’t know – maybe “urban ledgend”, that most people would consider “cellar door” to be the most beautiful word in english language. (I admit, I got this information from the movie “Donnie Darko”).

  3. I love that you have favorite words! I do too…perhaps all poets/writers do.

    Flumox, astrogal, spondivitz (a name of a fish place!), tessoria, twit, flotsom, jetsom…..more, too, but I can’t remember.

    Lady Nyo

  4. i like Girlfriend In A Coma by The Smiths
    also, Big Mouth Strikes again

    and haberdasher– sound fun

    sequester – oohsome! :)

    you seem to suffer from a lot of medical conditions
    centuries ago, you wouldn’t have even known :P

  5. You like the Smiths. I like you.
    My favourite word is dodecahedron and my favourite mathematical equation is

    Note that, given a regular pentagonal dodecahedron of edge length one, is the radius of a circumscribing sphere about a cube of edge length , and is the apothem of a regular pentagon of edge length .

    It always makes me laugh. Your About Page makes me laugh. I like laughing. I feel I am going to spend a lot of time wandering around your blogg.

    Me Like alot.


  6. Words longer than sick or in bed,
    keep spinning around within my head,
    Diseases I have, I’m a catastrophe,
    And I thought they were just for me,
    They aren’t friendly in their games,
    I only use initials for their names,
    Disorders are treasures, of that I’m sure,
    More to write about while I endure.

    Love your blog.

  7. When I read that “Girlfriend in a Coma” was one of your favorite books, I knew you were someone I would like! Then….I went on to read that you chain smoke and are addicted to buying toiletries. I think we must be soul mates! :)

    (My latest weakness is ESSIE nail polish. It is delicious!)

    • Any fan of Girlfriend In A Coma is a friend of mine ;) It’s such a good book.

      I’m beginning to learn that a lot of people out there chain smoke and collect toiletries; I thought I was a bit strange in that sense, but it seems not! It’s all about hair care for me at the moment, I’m buying shampoos and treatments like nobody’s business.

      I’ll check out ESSIE, I’m a big fan of nail polish ;)

  8. Thanks for visiting & subscribing to my blog. Really nice to meet you. You did a lovely job of introducing yourself by the way. And as a mom of two adult daughter’s,.. I say – Leave your hair red, orange, or maybe blue. It’s a favorite color of mine. I like the individuality.
    I echo another comment above in that we need to stay together.
    I also have a thing for words. Either favorite, or not so much.
    For instance; I love the way the word Argentina feels in the mouth whe saying it out loud. Weird, yes?.

  9. I found this blog from a comment on left on another blog. I think its awsome to have someone who speaks honestly about their experiences in order to help and inform others. I am trying to do the same but still need to remain anonymous =[ but dont want that to hinder me helping people. Check out my blog http://psychoticdepressionofastudent.blogspot.com/ Would be awsome to be added to your blogroll if you like it =] but only if you like it lol

  10. I came onto this post to try find out your name, when going to post on another post which i may post on yet…
    Anywho your blog is quite inspirational, how you can talk about your journey while going through it, is such an amazing thing indeed. Its also amazing how the thoughts are all so similar to those when going through such an illness. You writing this blog is going to help so SO many people. I genuinely believe that.
    To try shed some light on the name of your blog I somewhat get it. Ill never say understand because I don’t know you, or what you have to independently go through day to day (I’v only just uncovered your blog and hated when people said ‘I understand’, to me).
    To get to the end of my wee ramble (which i hope in some way helps) that half way mark between the gutter and the stars is the most important of places where so many choices comes your way. It’s as if there is a feeling of nothing and life seems numb a hell of a lot of the time. So turning to the dark thoughts, feelings, actions seems like a better thing to feel then nothing at all… but on the other-side of that nothingness, in-between the gradient of what seems to be the good and the bad is happiness, nothing euphoric, but a genuine content and love for life.
    I’m in awe you are able to write such accurate and detailed thoughts, feelings and words. I honestly feel so amazed and grateful you subscribed to my blog and hope I can write and share things that will help you on your journey :)
    x x

    • Thank you! I took the name of the blog from a Fatboy Slim album, which in turn comes from the quote “some of us are in the gutter, but we are all looking up at the stars”. It fits quite well with my beliefs and thoughts. I’m very much in the middle; sometimes heading towards the dark side but trying to reach the sky.

      I know it’s a big ol’ cliché, but if I can help one person, that’s more than enough for me, and I’m glad you’re attempting to do the same thing :)

  11. Your story is so interesting to me. I have to admit that don’t have much experience with these issues, but I wish you the best. I’m glad you found my blog. I hope you are able to find something uplifting in it. Always remember, you are never alone. :)

  12. You are a very brave and honest person and I admire that you can also open up about your problems. Every time I shared my complexities, they seem exaggerated, dramatised. Almost in my head. I wanted to write it down rationalise it, order the unfortunate series of events. A computer can publicise what is on your mind but a machine cannot judge you or stereotype you for writing it. If people want to listen they will and help you deal with your problems. I believe there is always someone there for you. It is letting your problems not build up or defeat you that keeps you strong and fighting. You admit the defeat and then it gets the better of you. Having diseases and mental problems that cannot be physically seen make people ignorant, but they don’t always know what it’s lilke to be you.

  13. Nice blog, I specialize in chronic pain and also suffer from it. There is a newer drug called Lyrica that is approved, at least in the USA, for treatment of fibro. Otherwise for the pain aerobic exercise is important. Try water exercise. The best method for psychotherapy is cognitive therapy. You might find my videos on youtube helpful for depression. I am going to do others when I have the energy. See me on twitter under drjorn. Good luck and keep fighting – and remember – it is not that life is fair or unfair – it just is. Thanks for liking my blog on Infidelity BTW.

    • I’ve heard so many conflicting reports on Lyrica. I suspect it’ll be a long time before it’s approved in the UK, if ever – we’re not too great on pain drugs. I tend to steer clear of pain relief when I can because the side-effects make every day life even harder, but I’m led to believe that Lyrica doesn’t have these effects, am I right?

      I do love water exercise, but it’s expensive – a session at the local pool costs a lot, and the free sessions at the hospital require travel money. If I drove, it’d be much easier. I’ve tried cognitive therapy and found it to be the biggest waste of my time – I knew everything I was being told, and after waiting over a year for an appointment I gave up after the first session. The woman I saw was awful and kept judging my appearance.

      Thank for the visit :)

  14. Ok that’s weird. As soon as I read your favourite word was haberdashery, I thought to myself ‘ooo, that’s my friends favourite word too. I’ll comment about mine’ – which also happens to be dodecahedron and I see David has already bagged that one!

  15. I absolutely love your introduction!! I am new to your blog but you had liked mine so i came to check it out.. So far I love it!! I don’t know enough about fibromyalgia but I would like to learn and it looks like your blog is a good place to start! I have a website as well as the blog if you want info on it let me know..

  16. I love your intro, I feel like I can relate to you on so many levels. I suffered from bulimia for 7 years, tried to hospitalize myself several times but couldn’t find the help I needed so it went on a lot longer than it should have. I hope you will be well :)

  17. Hey, we have a lot in common. I have had major depression for 4 years now, and I have had PTSD for just as long. Diagnosed OCD in high school. I was diagnosed bi-polar 2 years ago. I have severe insomnia, fibromyalgia but only in my abdomen and forearms thankfully. I am struggling with my weight and introduced myself into eating disorders to try to help with my struggle even though deep down I know it’ll only make it worse. I’m glad you found me, I can’t wait to read your blog.

  18. I LOVE the title of your blog…so great. I DEFINITELY feel that way every day!! I think I am going to use it when people ask how I am doing “I am halfway between the gutter and the stars.” I don’t think you sound pretentious at all. My weight is above the ideal also. I am glad you don’t like TV. It is one of my addictions I am afraid. You sound really nice and fun. I am so glad that you are getting through the week. Sorry it has been hard. :(

  19. I don’t know if you’ve heard this a dozen times or not…but I love the way your blog is so personally related to you. When I read an entry, I feel like I’m observing a piece of your life – as if I were in that experience. It’s real. I really love that. Don’t stop writing.

  20. Hey there :-)

    In no particular (but possibly semi-related order): I, too, am vegetarian, don’t care for TV, was a Brownie and can be a little on the ‘comfortable’ side of my ideal weight. Oh, and I also have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

    Anyway, thanks for following my blog and it’s nice to meet you :-)

  21. Hi there,

    I’m flattered by the follow, and found your writing harrowing but compulsive …

    Oh, and I think Wilde said we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

    I have no more words for you other than have some love.


  22. When I’m rushing around I don’t see, but when I’m broken and looking up I’m naked and free,
    crushed by the weight of the world and vulnerable to all, there’s not much to be except me.
    I like the way you are transparent.

  23. Thank You for checking out my blog and taking time to like my poem. I too have fybromyalgia….which enjoys its relationship to depression and fuels my ups and downs. Maybe you would like to check out my short story – on the inside looking in – I believe depression fuels talent and creativity you only need look at the names in this piece of writing to appreciate that. It is unfinished but it is based on my ‘hospitalisation’.

  24. {{{HUGS}}} Sending much Love and Light your way. Thanks for visiting my blog. It seems we’ve shared much of the same road. Keep writing. It’s beautiful sharing, and there is powerful healing in those words. For you. For others. Writing has kept me going through some of the darkest times in my life. I’ll include you in my nightly healing meditations. Keep shining that beautiful Soul Light of yours. :)

  25. Thanks for visiting & subscribing to my blog. Your blog is truly one of a kind. Have not read a lot yet, but what you are doing here falls for me under “soulcontract”. As you may have seen on my blog, I am on the far left of the “fruit cakes”, so I love what you have to say. You share from your heart and soul and it forms part of your healing I guess; its beautifully done and a service that is very kind and so important for so many people. I can feel the agony in some pages and yet you have so much strength and courage and an incredible light shines through you that touches many. Please do continue; it is the raw emotion that hits you straight, and that is so precious for so many.

  26. I hope it’s okay, I subscribed to your blog.

    Hmmm…..I can’t say my weight hovers. There’s too much of me to hover.

    Your description of yourself sounds like a very interesting person. :)

    I hate those situations where you’re expected to “Introduce yourself and tell us a little about yourself.” My response is usually, “Look at me….this is what you get. Questions…ask.”

    • “There’s too much of me to hover” – ach, that’s actually my feelings at the moment! I’m around thirteen stones right now; not great on a 5ft 5″ body. I don’t mind you subscribing at all, in fact I really appreciate it :)

      I think being asked to introduce yourself is one of the most difficult things. How do you sum up a person in a few lines?!

      • I REALLY don’t like the self-introduction thing. But it is rather fun to say things out of the ordinary. Introduce yourself as the renowned Dr. Fuller Beauvyn Maynur, adventurer, speaker, lecturer, storyteller, politician, and all-around oddity.

        I quit focusing on my weight because it became an obsession. I’m learning to accept me, control that which I can control, let go of what I can’t, and live life in the meantime. That’s been a journey within itself. But as long as you’re still breathing, there’s living to be done. :D

  27. I just started my wordpress site, “when is a party not a party?”, last week, and you were officially the first person to “like” one of my posts: “Becoming What You Are.” Thanks very much for that! Paul Tournier’s book, “The Meaning of Persons” really speaks to me about my own experiences with depression. I still struggle with who I am and how that “I am” is personified. I’ll revisit your site often!

  28. Hi there, at very rare times that someone follows my blog I just can’t help being thankful about it. I do hope you can find something worthwhile in my writings other than my rants. Haha. :D And I’m looking forward to read your entries. :)

  29. I admire your honesty in talking about those things that most of us want to run and hide from, especially when we have not experienced it ourselves or with anyone we know. Thanks for following my blog. Have you ever listened to the music of Elliott Smith? He too suffered from depression and also addictions, and the fans he has who themselves are struggling too seem to find support and solace in his songs – and even if you don’t, his music is lovely.

  30. I very much enjoy your blog page. It’s interesting to meet others that you feel may be somewhat similar to yourself – or that you can kinda relate to on some level. Thank you for stopping by my page and providing a form of encouragement by showing an appreciation for my posts.

  31. I spent hours today reading your blog. Didn’t get to all of them, of course, but a whole lot. You were the first to send a like for my blog, and I truly look forward to visiting your site, so I thought I’d spend a Saturday dipping into your world. I’ll be back soon. Take care.

  32. I know you’ve received tons of awards (deservedly), but I just received my first (Versatile Blogger), and your site was the first I could think of to nominate in return. I benefit greatly from reading your blogs, relating to the common expressions of depression as I do, but also to the little joys you experience from travels to various parks, beaches and cities in your seaside region. Thanks so much! http://whenisapartynotaparty.wordpress.com/

  33. nice intro, made me smile actually. I love too many words to have just one however. I am manic depressive due to emptiness mostly and can’t seem to get out of it. How I hope my doc would medicate me for this depression but she told me to get a life, easy to say when you have no one around. In any case, WP is sort of a social life, I think.

  34. I just wanted to drop you a quick note to ask if you’d be willing to do a little guest post on my blog please – I want to set up a page with people’s stories of Mental Illness, to let others know that they’re not alone, and hopefully create a friendly place where people feel comfortable to share and support each other… Drop me a note on my blog if you’re interested, and I’ll send you my email address… Take Care xx

      • The oval kumquat is a fruit that looks like any citrus fruit, with an orange rind. The fruits are oblong, up to 2 in (5 cm) long. Unlike the common citrus, which have a rind which is inedible raw, oval kumquats have an edible sweet rind. The flesh, however, is not as sweet as the rind, and the juice is quite acidic and sour, with a lemon-like flavor. This fruit is generally eaten fresh, with its rind. It can also be processed into preserves, jams, and other products. (from Wikipedia).

        They look like oranges that have been through a difficult time and have trouble fitting in with the rest of the citrus world. :-) They are hard and small and rather weird-looking (to me). They smell sour, pungent. The first time I picked one up, wondering what it was, I broke out in hives the size of half-dollars. They aren’t very appealing to me, the smell, the look…but the name is delicious, indeed. (from me). :-)

  35. Hello, my friend. I hope you are feeling a little better this afternoon. Please don’t worry at all about this if you don’t want, but I’ve named you for The Versatile Blog Award. You can find all the particulars at http://diabeticredemption.com/2012/03/22/the-versatile-blogger-award/ . Congratulations, and no expectations — you just deserve this for all the different sides of your life you’re willing to share with us. Congratulations, and Yay You!!

  36. Hi there. Wishing you a special journey as you travel between heaven and hell. Your posts are alive and offer a connection raw with emotion. May your story be filled by the colours in your dreams. Namaste! PS Thanks for the follow.

  37. I wanted to thank you for this wonderful body of work. Like dour, melancholy daydreams, I consume your words and live them in my head. Your life on display has been affirming and inspiring. Thank you for continuing to weave this tapestry.

  38. I just found out I had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by the therapist I’d been seeing over a year. Today was our last session and the only reason why I even found out was because I asked for a copy of the termination report before I left and said goodbye.

    It’s so strange because if anything, I thought I was bipolar 2. And it’f funny because I remember my first comment to you was about being BP and not BPD, then I mentioned my close friend with BPD who I can’t stand sometimes. hehe.

    I just thought I’d tell you since you write a lot about it. I’m going to write a post about it as soon as I get the chance.


  39. Hi there,

    To find your blog is a pleasure I have been indulging myself with. I have deep respect for you. Keep penning and keep inspiring, I am sure lots of readers have found your posts equally entertaining and enlightening!
    I have a joyful ride in your blog, and now I’d like to invite you to visit mine. Thank you and have a wonderful day, my friend! :-)

    Subhan Zein

  40. Thanks for following my blog. I really like how you write, and am looking forward to reading more. I am trying to understand my bipolar mother better, while at the same time, trying to deal with my sometimes depression, all the time eating issues, and working on healing from an abusive childhood, all the while, being mom to a wonderful boy who lives with Sensory Processing Disorder, dyslexia, and is very intuitive. My blog is pretty much a journal for me. A place to get it all out, in words. And I like to share things that I have found to be helpful in my life.

    Sending greetings from across the pond.

  41. Hey, very deep blog. I have a mom with bipolar II, so I get it. It just seems like this portrays the downside of everything. My mom is just fine and loves life because of her medicine, so try to think positively. I have anxiety problems and I use writing to get through the issues. Good blog nonetheless.

  42. PS… that post replying to Anonymous54 was to my mother. She doesn’t know that I know. She didn’t update her IP address on her computer. But even then, I would still know. And all the stuff she said is SO opposite of what she says when its not public. SOOOOO opposite. I am an embarrassment to our family so she’ll do anything to try and make it look like she’s doing so much to “help” me. Nope, my parent’s have caused the most DAMAGE! Anyway, thought you might find that interesting. She has posted a lot. I don’t know how she COULDN’T know that I know by now… but maybe not. Or maybe it’s just worth it to her to keep the image!

      • I know. My blog is public, but we have NO CONTACT. My parent’s know how badly I crash when they contact me, but think it’s all just a game to me. My mom used to comment under her real name, Lori, but now comments under Anonymous54. Seriously! In stats it just adds another comment under “Lori” when she posts. I don’t hold too much back though anymore. I am SO pissed at them right now. I blogged awhile back about my aunt Lisa and Darlene. Darlene’s memorial is next Friday which means my WHOLE family of douche bags will be there. No one wants me to go because I always end up back in the hospital. But I’m f’ing tired of letting them control what I do and don’t do! I have more of a right to be there than they do. Assholes!

        • I’m not surprised you’re pissed; I would be! I’d be fuming. Sometimes parents… eh, they just don’t get it. They think that because they’re your parents, they automatically know better. Heck, they sometimes assume they know you better than you know yourself. I don’t understand why they’re like that, but then again I don’t have kids.

          You have every right to be at the memorial. I say go, hold your head high, and prove them wrong about the hospital this time <3

  43. Pingback: Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award! « dailylifewithfibromyalgia

  44. I love the Oscar Wilde quote reference, quite a witty name!
    Big fan of The Smiths, Hatful of Hollow is on my Top 10 Albums list.
    I am a shampoo and conditioner addict.
    Cotton wool? Oh dear god. My skin is itchy just thinking about it.
    Chain smoking. Gladly not anymore. Running is my top vice now.
    Nice to meet you!

  45. Hi.
    Thank you for the comment on my blog earlier. I didn’t see a contact form,so…
    my husband has MPD (now called DID) so I can empathize (even a little bit) with what you are going through. I’m a fan of The Smiths as well. What kind of guitar do you have?

    • Hi! I dithered about adding a contact form, but decided to keep everything here as much as possible; it’s hard enough to keep track sometimes as it is.

      I have an acoustic, it’s under my bed in two pieces so I have no idea what model it is. I’m sorely tempted to buy a new one from a second hand shop but I have arthritis in my fingers now so not sure if it’s a good idea. However, it’s always awesome to meet another Smiths fan!

      DID… I think it can be similar to BPD in many ways. Certainly when it comes to dissociation. I wish your husband all the best; and you too. Thanks very much for the comment.

  46. I’ve just seen that you’ve already been given this award, but I’ve already done the post, so you’ve been renominated (you deserve it again anyway!) This is for creating beauty with your words!
    I have nominated you for the “very inspiring blogger award”, you can read more about it here: http://wp.me/p2DUBF-7H
    Lots of love, Ellie xx

  47. Hey there. Sorry I haven’t visited in a while, got caught up in my drama. Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and you are still very much one I value so much. Your blog is going to be one of several highlighted in tomorrow’s post, Nov 3.

  48. Hi,

    Healthline is interested in contributing a guest post to halfwaybetweenthegutter.wordpress.com. We would be open to contributing any blog that would be of interest to your readers. Healthline bloggers have been featured on a variety of sites including:

    Washington Times: http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/tango-mind-and-emotion/2012/aug/10/how-healthy-choices-easy/
    Natural News: http://www.naturalnews.com/036515_diabetes_strawberries_prevention.html
    Patch.com: http://strongsville.patch.com/blog_posts/where-and-what-to-eat-in-cleveland-to-beat-the-winter-blues

    Please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you in advance for your consideration.

    Warm Regards,

  49. Hi Half!

    I wanted to drop by to see how you were doing. When I read about all that you’ve been going through physically, I could really relate. I thought that insensitive doctors were only an American phenomenon. I was apparently wrong. Then, on rare occasion, we find one who truly wants to help and we’re so grateful that it feels as though an enormous burden has been lifted. That has happened to me. In my case, it was about receiving proper meds for fibro, cysts in the synovia of two vertebrae and congenital issues with one of my hips. I told one doc that if she didn’t find some way of helping with the pain, I would not be alive in three weeks and I meant it. I got help–not from her, I might add–just as the three weeks was coming to an end. In this instance, it was a prejudice of the federal government and a medical school meme that said “All narcotics are bad! Don’t give them long-term unless the patient is at death’s door!” I kid you not.

    I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I must admit that I now understand the frustration of not being able to comment or otherwise communicate with a blog’s writer, so I think I’ll turn comments on on my About page. Do I even have an About page? If not, I’ll put one together–later. I, too, live upside down a lot of the time, and happily so. I am a creature of the night, although not a vampire. *grin*

    You take care!


  50. Thank you for sharing your life. I have a 24 year old granddaughter with all the same issues. She refuses to see this and constantly blames everyone else. She has major swings sometimes from hour to hour. Is there anyway to get her to seek help? Even when I mention this she gets hysterical. It’s like dealing with a 2 year olds temper tantrums. We can’t take it anymore, I have never known anyone like her in my life and I’m 70 years old. :(

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