A very personal journey

I became fascinated with the idea of blogging when my parents bought me my first broadband desktop. Prior to that, I was using library computers to get online, often sneaking away to use them at college or in lunch breaks at my short-lived hairdressing-in-a-real-salon career. I’d owned a clunky old thing for a long time, so money was found and I was presented with a shiny, new, clean computer. I don’t remember how I discovered blogs; I just became aware of them being dotted around the internet. The idea appealed to me immensely. Since puberty I’ve tried to keep a regular diary, but interest wanes after a few months, and I end up throwing it in the bin when I find it months later, covered in remains of chewing gum and cigarette ash from the bottom of my bedside drawer.

It took me a long time to realise that what I needed was an audience; with the security of anonymity. I needed feedback, or to at least know I was getting my experiences out there without the risk of being judged by someone I care about.

I’m not so narcissistic that I think the world will gasp and marvel at my grasp of words and heart-rending tales; of course it won’t. I’m only one small person in a very big world. Some have described my life as extraordinary, others have layered sympathy upon me until I choke under the weight. I personally think I’m pretty ordinary; everyone’s life has some drama, and I’m certainly not special.

I want to write this blog for a few reasons. Therapy. Writing practise. To possibly get advice or criticism on the way I’ve reacted to events. Simply to give myself something worthwhile to do.

The first posts on the main blog are taken from my private, real-life diary, written in 2010 and early 2011. This is why the dates don’t correspond with the entries. There’s a gap  between my diary and this blog, during which a lot changed -   I met somebody and started a relationship, I got an official diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, my health changed for the better and, predictably, I gained weight. I’ll do my best to fill in any gaps over time, since I promised myself I would be as honest as possible.

If you’re reading this… thank you for taking the time, and feel free to leave a comment.

89 Comments

  1. You know why I blog? Besides the reasons you’ve mentioned, it helps me travel across time and space and meet some like-minded and wonderful folks like you. Good going. Keep blogging.

  2. You have modest goals. I like that. I use my blog both as therapy and as a way to teach others what I have learned. Of course, I have a very small audience, but it’s an audience none the less. There are people reading which makes me feel a bit less alone.

    I too have a borderline diagnosis (along with my bipolar diagnosis and my social anxiety diagnosis).

    By the way, I’m impressed. This page is really well written.

  3. Hey there! Thanks for stopping by my blog and ‘liking’ my recent post. I often struggle with ups & downs, recently I hit rock bottom. It was therapeutic to be able to unload the burden of my thoughts and unleash them into the wild. Having someone relate to what I was feeling is a huge help. Thanks, and I will be following your blog closely :)

  4. Thank you for having the courage to express how you feel. It takes a lot from a person to share what they went through. My site does not have anything yet I am still going to post more info and videos. I will do the best I can with others to share their stories and provide research information from Harvard, M.I.T., Rutgers, and other universities to help spread education on mental health. I commend you for writing down your thoughts and opening yourself up to feel safe on your blog. Keep up the good work.

  5. Hello, it’s good to “meet” you. Thanks for subscribing to my blog. I’m curious about what made you do so and would love to hear what you think; but in any case, I appreciate it. I read a few of your posts and look forward to reading more, and perhaps communicating more later on. Blessings to you.

  6. Thanks for liking my poem. I’m just starting out on this site and your blog really looks nice.
    I can really understand what you said about needing an audience with anonymity. Will follow you and read more of your posts. ;)

  7. Hey, I just wanna say that what you have here intrigues me. I’ve been seeking out blogs and books on various mental illnesses as a way to help me improve in my own struggle with severe social anxiety.

    Keep up the good work! :)

  8. Hi,
    Thanks for subscribing to my blog. Actually I find the whole blogging scene really therapeutic to my needs as well. It is very nice to meet you. I hope to read more from you as well. I just wanted to leave you a note of encouragement for my first visit to your blog and that is:

    No matter the obstacles we face, all it takes to achieve something is saying “I can” and “I will” and you will accomplish what you believe.

    Stay blessed ;)

  9. Great introduction, look forward to reading more of your blogs. I too have had a BPD diagnosis, it was relevant in the past but I think for me a dissociative disorder has been overlooked. In the UK treatment and therapy for BPD is available on the NHS but not for related conditions such as DID.

    • I considered the possibility of having DID, in the past. I’ve been diagnosed with dissociative traits, but not DID, and BPD seems to fit much better. I suppose psychiatry and mental health is a lot of guesswork, and it’s hard to find the right diagnosis. I’ve found very little help in the UK for BPD, although I know it is available; just not in my area. I’d have to travel, and I’ve tried other forms of therapy like CBT with no success. I’d like to try DBT, but the waiting list is huge and it isn’t available in my county. As it is, I think I’m managing to keep on top of things mostly, so I’m trying to stay away from the mental health system now. I figure it’s done me more harm than gone.

      I hope you find any answers you’re seeking. Mental health can be a minefield.

      • Hi there, I just finished reading about J. I’m glad to know you got out of that. You’re so clear in your writing. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to retain or be attune to so much detail in terrible moments like those (especially ones where I’ve been blitz out of my mind). And I can relate. I was initially diagnosed with BPII in 2008, but from what I’ve read, I think I have a lot of BPD traits or symptoms. The psychiatrist I saw in 2009, however, had me in as having GAD with Clinical Depression. I’m not a fan of psychiatry or their current use of DSM and big pharm here in the U.S. though. It all seems like you say, guesswork. I prefer therapy. Been working with a university therapist (no insurance) on DBT and CBT for the past year, and I highly recommend it.

        Anyway, I’m new to this blogging thing and just hope to be able to write with as much openness, sincerity and craft as you have. It truly is liberating.

        And hey, I’m also big Smith’s fan. Been having Girlfriend in a Comma stuck in my head this week. Look forward to reading more :)

        • The Smiths <3 I instantly love a Smiths fan. Girlfriend In A Coma is one of my favourites, along with Sweet And Tender Hooligan.

          I think BPII and BPD are often mixed up, because they share so many traits. My friend has the opposite; she was diagnosed with BPD, then changed to BipolarII which fits a lot better with her behaviour. I'm not entirely sure how the mental health system worlks in the U.S – I know there could be a lot of improvement in the UK, which is why I removed myself from the system once I had a diagnosis – but I've always thought it must be really difficult having to pay for all aspects of psychiatric care, or healthcare in general. I know we pay through taxes in the UK, but having to deal with insurance… well, if I lived in the U.S I don't know where I'd be now. Medication is so expensive over there, whereas here we have a fixed rate for the majority of medications.

          Good luck with blogging, I look forward to reading more from you!

          • Sweet and Tender Hooligan is another great one. hehe. I do the same when I find someone’s a Smiths fan. Oh god, the psychiatric system/medical system in the U.S. I’m going to have to post about that someday. I don’t have insurance though. I pay really cheap at the university and community hospitals, so I’ve always been treated by resident psychiatrists, except for when i was in university, which i’m no longer in.

            ANd happy holidays lady! Take it easy.

  10. Perhaps your fibromyalgia has taken backseat to your BPD, but I share that malady with you. I’m returning the visit that you paid to my blog tonight and am very impressed with your openness–look how many others are too–and your willingness to take an honest look at yourself and at least attempt to express it. And I think you’re doing a wonderful job of that! I too like to write for therapeutic reasons and having an audience to use as a sounding board.

    This is my first visit…I know I’ll be returning. I wish you much success with your personal endeavors.

    Sending you love…
    Gayle (Bodhirose’s Blog)

  11. Totally unrelated to this page, and for that I am sorry, but I have to get a message out to all my followers: my blog will not be private for long. It’s a temporary security measure I’ve taken while I sort out a sudden issue. It’ll be back up soon. Keep following!

  12. Can I use swears? If so, hell YES! If not, H*LL YES!
    Always impressed by the folks out here that have the courage to take the deep dark parts of themselves and work through them here…out in the open…PUBLICLY.
    You have a follower in me.

  13. Hi there! My name is Pam, and I found you through the Crazy Chics Club! Nice to “meet” you! I thought I would stop by and say hello (I’m a little behind on reaching out to new members, SO sorry).

    Love what I’ve seen on your blog so far, so I’ve subscribed. Us Crazy Chicks have got to stick together! Can’t wait to read more. Xoxo Pam

  14. Hello Darling,
    I followed your link back from my blog. Thank you for visiting. I have read several of your posts and it is clear that you are extremely intelligent, deeper than most and have a great deal of self awareness. You write about things that others would be scared to put out there and I find that refreshing. I look forward to getting to know you from your work. I understand wanting to protect your anonymity. I suppose I am in a different place as making myself known is more freedom than I could have ever imagined. Reading what you have written makes me feel that I need to write more about my experience with the monster inside and the strength that I found in the hope of a better life.
    Love and Light to you.

  15. I want to write this blog for a few reasons. Therapy. Writing practise. To possibly get advice or criticism on the way I’ve reacted to events. Simply to give myself something worthwhile to do.

    That is exactly the reason that I chose to start mine. I’m glad I’m not one of the only ones, my brother told me it wasn’t the best idea because people on the internet can be very cruel, but people in real life can be pretty cruel as well. I suppose we’ll get feedback either way.

    • People in real life can be horribly cruel and it’s no different on the internet… but so far (after over a year) I haven’t received a single bit of abuse or judgement. I’ve had criticism on other blogs – which I’ve found difficult to deal with – but critisism gets everywhere, and I’ve found that you don’t have to respond to it if you think it’s unfounded. 99.9% of people online have been amazing though, and I hope it works the same for you. There’s a very strong community of people who understand; many post on my blog, so they’re easy to find :)

      Good luck with everything you do.

  16. Hey sweetheart, you know me and vice versa. My mental health issues are different to yours, but similar in some very scary ways. I have personality trait issues and battle with depression, self-harm and various other things. Let’s not forget to mention the problem with my mouth and not being able to control the shit that comes out of it.

    We are proof that people, with understanding and NOT taking the first impression seriously, people CAN get on and become bloody good friends.

    You are amazing. Love ya lots darling xxx

    A xx

  17. Hi there! I’m glad you dropped by and liked Suzanne Moore’s article at The Guardian.

    I was diagnosed with panic disorder and severe agoraphobia, with hypomania in 2009. My lowest was when I suffered from intrusive thoughts on cannibalism, necrophilia and killing my three children. I am alright now. I seldom have panic attacks any more, although commuting down town is still a difficulty. There are times when I just want to shut up and not speak to anyone. There are also times when I feel bold and fearless and so willing to die for my beliefs.

    I used to write poetry too, lots of very dark stuff and blog about my illness. These days I blog about what turns me on or off.

    Keep on writing. It helps.

    Cheers

  18. Hey, Canvas has kicked off the Blog For Mental Health 2013 campaign, and I pledged you on my blog: Blog For Mental Health 2013 Is Here! I really hope you take the time to read and participate; all it takes is a simple post, and I would love so much to be able to put you on the official blogroll at Canvas, as you do such amazing writing and share your journey and your soul so eloquently.

    Sending you love, and all of my very best.

  19. Hello

    First of all, I’ve never emailed someone who’s blog I’ve read. Nor have I ever commented on someone’s blog. I’m not sure why since I read so many but it just isn’t me.

    I’m already thinking of scrapping this and forgetting about it but I’m just writing to say thanks.

    I’m 23 and I have BPD, bulimia and depression. I live in a small town where no one talks about scary things like that and, since you have some of the same problems, I’m sure you understand perfectly how hard life can be.

    Just before Christmas my fiance left me and I’ve been really down ever since. I have been suicidal and am not coping well. This weekend was a shut in for me and I haven’t spoken to anyone for days, actually I was feeling pretty bleak. I had the TV on for company and I heard a quick 10 seconds of an advert song that struck a chord. I remembered a few of the words so did a search for the lyrics online. Long story short, for some reason, I found your blog and I wasn’t so alone.

    Anyway…. thank you.

Send me love.

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