Borderline personality disorder

Out of everything I have experienced in life, one of the things I find most difficult to talk about with any real candour is my diagnosis of BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder. There’s something about it which I can’t bring myself to explain in words; that feeling of fear and distrust which dogs every move. It’s not simple enough to just call it ‘anxiety’ or ‘worry’, because it goes far deeper than either of those things and I often find myself tongue-tied, unable to describe just now BPD affects me. As a result, very few people in real life know I have the diagnosis. I just can’t bring myself to tell them.

Earlier, I read a brilliant post called What Is Borderline Personality Disorder? on the site “You Know You’re Borderline When…”. Since my diagnosis, I’ve read everything I can get my hands on about BPD in the hope of finding some sort of understanding of my often ridiculous actions, and the post I just mentioned is easily the best article I have ever read on the subject.

BPD

One point the author, Jaen Wildfly, makes is particularly meaningful to me.

I guess the keywords here are: Unstable Self-Image

That still sounds a bit fancy. In essence, it means “I have no fucking idea who I am or what I want since my desires change from one minute to the next.”

I suspect one of the reasons why I can’t bring myself to admit to having BPD is because it all sounds a bit, well… self-absorbed. Nobody knows who they are, right? It’s not like we have the monopoly on wonky self-image. Try telling the average person on the street that you have an unstable self-image, and listen to them talk about howeveryone doubts themselves; it’s impossible to get across just how much of an impact being impaired in identity can have on your life without sounding like an attention-seeker.

When I was diagnosed last year by a psychologist, I had a hard time explaining why the label of BPD – or rather,any label – was so important to me. Over the years I’ve been given many diagnoses – clinical depression, chronic anxiety, schizophrenia for a short while – and usually they’re as welcome as a kick in the teeth. Each label has changed me in some way and determined the path my life took, and most have resulted in disaster. However, I started to realise that my life has been governed by my total inablity to react rationally to imagined disasters, and without knowing the reasons why I act like that, how could I ever improve?

Jaen also uses the word ‘fragmented’, which to me is the perfect description of how it feels to live with BPD. Sometimes I wonder what I’d see if I could open myself up and look inside; whether everything would be shattered and broken. I wonder if there would be a visual clue as to what’s causing me to destroy every relationship I have.

To describe BPD properly, you have to grit your teeth and be prepared for others to judge you, for them to think you’re a cold, uncaring freak with a tendency to fly off the handle at the smallest provocation. BPD, like any other mental illness, is very unattractive when it makes itself known.

Regular readers will know that I haven’t quite destroyed every relationship; I’ve been with S for over a year now, and through some sort of divine intervention we’re yet to have a single argument. Not even a small one. This defies everything BPD is about, and I can only assume that the combination of cipralex and beta-blockers I take – along with the ten or so joints I smoke a day and the tendency to turn to opiate painkillers when things get too stressful – numb the fears which make me irrational and obsessive. It’s the fear which makes me angry, you see; the fear that I’ll lose somebody, or they’ll think less of me.

We are romantic junkies. Borderline behavior will increase with each new partner; thoughts of a perfectly passionate soul mate will drive us to do things that can be considered “impulsive.” But we are driven by a primal urge for this special someone to be our ultimate romantic love and savior. It is hard for us to look for realistic love when we crave this intensity. We are “in love” with being “in love” and will do stupid things to get our desires quenched. Usually, we end up disappointed because we don’t understand the transition from desire to love.

When I met my ex-fiance, O, the relationship was already doomed to fail although I didn’t come to realise that until many years later. Throughout past relationships, my behaviour had developed into a seething cluster of resentment, mistrust and paranoia which ruined everything I came into contact with, and my tendency to fall for men who would take advantage of me had given me an incredibly skewed view on love. I believed equally in the great love story and the cruelty of men, hoping for the first but inevitably finding the other.

During the relationship, I rarely saw my behaviour as unreasonable. To my mind, all the injustice of the world was constantly thrown upon my shoulders and O simply didn’t understand how much his words hurt me. Looking back, there’s no way he could have known, because very few people would react the way I did. Most wouldn’t slam doors or bury themselves in the corner of the room, banging their heads against the walls. Not everybody would smoke ten cigarettes in a row, lock themselves in the bathroom and punch themselves in the face, just because their boyfriend didn’t answer his phone.

Storming out of his house in the middle of the night and waking his parents became a common event; I’d wait at the end of the driveway until O came out and apologised. On an almost daily basis I would walk away from him over a small argument, stomping down the road with tears running down my face, first marching along then slowing down as I realised he might not follow me if I went too far. I always wanted him to follow me. I needed him to.

The Borderline has been taught they are unimportant, so they believe that life is unimportant. They know pain, they know hopelessness, but they don’t understand happiness. So the idea of “dying” isn’t really a hope for death but a hope for happiness. The thought process is “Can’t be happy here, maybe I’ll be happy dead?” So when suicidal thoughts are in action the person is unable to find anything to help ease the emotional pain.

Like many BPD’ers, I’ve made a number of suicide attempts. I’ve barely mentioned them so far because the feelings behind the attempts are still quite raw, even years later. Also like many people with BPD, because I survived it’s assumed they were a cry for help or attention, and so the doctors who treated me in A&E for paracetamol and antidepressant overdoses didn’t take me seriously.

Each and every time, I wanted to die, and was disappointed when I hadn’t. The efforts of others to save my life were lost on me; I just wanted out. The last time I considered suicide, I found myself running out of the house in the middle of the night, into a storm. My mother and I had been arguing about the amount of control she has over my life, as usual, and I suddenly just couldn’t take it any more. For a few minutes, the idea of walking into the sea crossed my mind. I even set off along the embankment, planning on getting to the sea wall and letting the tide pull me away. The urge was addictive, and I couldn’t think of anything else but ending my life. The ability to see how my death would hurt others was lost to me, and I still don’t quite know why I went back home after two hours. I stopped being angry, I think.

I have never considered suicide when depressed; even thinking about it would be too much effort in that situation. However, anger and panic are what drive me to think such thoughts, to harm myself, to chain-smoke and take more pills than I should. Any type of fear sends me into a blind panic; I just don’t know how to deal with the emotions. Or any emotion, really.

 

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115 Comments

  1. Hey, thanks for subscribing to my blog. I’m still looking for the button on your site to subscribe to you. I read a couple of your posts. We do have one thing in common…. BPD. I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, God knows, it’s exhausting for me to talk about having been diagnosed with it for half my life. I did find that Girl Interrupted was nothing really like BPD though. Anyways, I know some of your struggles and you can imagine some of mine… it’s even worse being a guy and having BPD because there just aren’t that many of us. Anyways, I like your blog and I look forward to reading more.

    -Ry

    • Hi, I’ve added a subscribe button now. I should have done it ages ago but I’m so forgetful.

      I can imagine it is more difficult being male with BPD. I suppose, in some ways, a lot of traits of BPD are accepted as just being ‘how women are’ and it’s easier to hide it under the cover of gender. Did you find it more difficult being diagnosed?

      I found Girl, Interrupted was only a tiny, tiny glimpse of what BPD could feel like. The book is a lot more descriptive than the film, and I identified with a part where Kaysen is biting her own hand to try and feel ‘real’ – to me, that’s what BPD is all about. Wanting to feel real and part of everything else, but being unable to.

  2. I saw you subscribed to my blog today – hello. Just reading this page has made me realise this could be written about me! I have my first appointment with the local Mental Health people in about 6 weeks time and I’m going to ask them about it. Thanks for subscribing and here’s to better health for both of us.

  3. Hello from across the pond!
    Thanks for subscribing to my blog, I have had no visitors until now, I need to figure out how to get it out there a bit, I suppose. As you would know, I also have BPD and many other labels and although only diagnosed 6 years ago or so, have surely had it forever.
    Anyhow, i am having a little look around your pages and am loving them, love the pics, you have a great way of expressing emotion in photo media. I have subscribed to you and feel that with all of your followers, I have also found a niche on the net.
    Have a wonderful evening , :)

    • Thank you very much! I hope you’ve had a good evening too. I found your blog while checking out other blogs tagged with BPD – it’s comforting to know that I’m in no way the only one out there who thinks the way I do. Even just reading posts by others helps me, and I’m pretty pleased that by doing so I’ve had people visit me back; it really wasn’t expected!

  4. Hey. Okay. Right.

    So, I fought against the BPD label at first but it’s me. So I accept it. I tell people about it when they first “meet” me–most of my interactions with others are online because I also have profound social anxiety. I’m not sure how much of my blog you read, but BPD comes up a lot. I was in a DBT group therapy for about two months but three weeks ago I was in a profound state of anxiety and they took me out of the group because my behavior was likely to “trigger” responses in others. Whatever. So now I don’t go. To be honest, the other “BPD”s were getting on my nerves because they were kind of rude to me since I didn’t “fit in” with them. Anyway, we know about the pushing away part of the disorder. Try being in a group of people who push people away!

    For me, it’s a constant struggle to try to maintain some sort of consistent emotional state. I lose usually. But I agree with what someone said up there about having the diagnosis be somewhat comforting. Every time I see a new “expert” to continue with my state disability, they add new diagnoses on. And my mother was REALLY upset to read about this disorder in the DSM-IV link I sent her because of “childhood trauma.” Oh, get over it, mom. This actually isn’t about you for once!

    A really good book I have been reading is called The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating. I’m a bit pissed that she stole my autobiography but it really is fantastic (at least so far).

  5. My 32 year old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD and for the last 18 years our relationship has been tumultuous. A radical change occurred when my daughter hit puberty. She went from a loving, happy, popular, soccer-playing child and morphed into a young teen who no longer wanted to go to school, started using drugs(cocaine and adderol), cutting, became anorexic, bulimic, was stealing from family members and also department stores (got caught) and had a child with a guy she met at a party, who is also an unemployed alcoholic. We “helped” by paying for rent, food, furniture, clothes, diapers and her divorce (now they’re back together). When they moved they left everything behind and now have nothing again. Neighbors have called social services on her twice (fighting with the boyfriend and baby crying a lot). I love my granddaughter, but am no longer able to see her as I no longer provide any financial assistance. My daughter is pregnant again and continues to drink and when I confronted her she snapped, “My doctor said you can drink while you’re pregnant.”

    Living with this is agony and have guilt as I wonder what did I do so wrong that my daughter could have turned out this way. She was a beautiful girl, (got a lot of attention for her looks), graduated from a prestigious private college in Los Angeles and was a rising star in the television industry. Now she is unemployed and says she wants to look for a maid job. I am getting counseling, but the pain of living with a BPD adult child is painful beyond words.

    • I can only give you my own experiences as somebody living day-to-day with BPD – it can get better. I was an awful teenager, I treated my mother terribly. It wasn’t entirely intentional, but I was a very selfish person at times and didn’t stop to think how my behaviour was affecting others. I also changed hugely at puberty, I think the hormones get mixed up with mental health/illness and cause an explosion of sorts in the brain. Nothing made sense to me, and I lashed out as a way of gaining some sort of control over how lost I felt. There’s no real excuse for how I acted, but I know sometimes my behaviour was literally out of my control. Sometimes it was like watching someone else freaking out and causing pain.

      You haven’t done anything wrong; at least, not from what you’ve said. You’ve simply been a mother, and been caught up in something beyond everyone’s control. Is she receiving any treatment?

      • Hi, I am a mother of a 19 year old son diagnosed with BPD. This post -that it can get better- has given me hope. I feel like my son hates me and his younger brothers. He was such a wonderful son and then around the age of 14, he began to push me around- I think he was jealous of my pregnancy. And yet, when my 2nd son was born, he was such a great big brother…and again 17 months later to my youngest. At 16, he began cutting a bit in art class at school- very minor- but then a girl took notice and he liked this girl. He began cutting more, and her interest in “helping” him grew. Due to upsets from his biological father when he was 3, and worried about the cutting, I spoke to them about getting too involved sexually- tried to tell them that first loves were usually very intense but often short lived and I didn’t know if my son could deal with a break up. They both lied and said that they were waiting until they turned 18. Two weeks later, they became sexually involved- he cut himself over a minor disagreement one night at home with me and then began living with her….Although I sent letters and gifts and emails, he did not contact me for 2 years. I had some contact through his school and my husband had some contact with his girlfriend’s mother so we knew he was alive and attending school. Since his break up, he has slowly come around. Some days are good and some are really bad. We seemed to have a good stretch for a couple of months, but the other day- after driving him to get something of his fixed-he was seething with rage directing at me and his youngest brother. We have tried helping him and he takes certain help but he always threatens that he will just delete me from his life if I put a foot wrong. I love my son very much. I miss the son he was so much! I don’t know what to do to help him and I am easily depressed with the whole situation which doesn’t help my other two beautiful boys. My doctor says “detach”, but I am a worrier and I just want to make everything okay for him and our family. Any advice?

    • I hear you. My 32 yr old daughter has bpd and life has been hell ever since she was 13. she has a wonderful toddler now, but she won’t allow me to see my grand daughter hardly at all because I don’t do things exactly as she would want them done. she is a tyrant and a monster, constantly accusing me of things that I have never done. I fear so much for my grand daughter.

      • Janet, I know a small amount of what you’re experiencing – my sister-in-law stopped my mother and I seeing my brother’s children and it’s been heartbreaking to say the least. Obviously as her grandmother you have that extra worry, and I can only reassure you that chances are things *may* change over time. I used to accuse my mother of all sorts and I fully believed what I was saying – it’s almost like a form of psychosis where your brain tells you lies – but as I’ve grown I’ve realised just how wrong I was. It sounds like your daughter is unable or unwilling to try and take her BPD in hand, and I’ve learned that self-care is *very* important with BPD – has she ever had any therapy or been on medication?

        I understand your fears. Do you have any way of knowing how your granddaughter is, or are you entirely cut off?

  6. Thank you so much for finding and subscribing to my blog. Unlike you and many of your subscribers, I do not have BPD, but I am dealing with an ex-wife thatquite likely does. Over the last year, I have read much about the disorder and I have come to realize that she exhibits many of the symptoms. She has been ordered by the court to be evaluated prior to our next hearing on Dec 9th. I look forward to reading your future posts, as I feel I will learn much from you.

  7. Hi. Thank you for subscribing to my blog. I’m so glad you found me. I was just at the doctor last week and I asked for a pysch consult to rule out adult ADHD since two of my sons were just diagnosed with ADHD. However, after reading this post, it feels like BPD may be what is going on with me. We shall see. First I have to work up the nerve to go to shrink….

  8. Pingback: 30 Days Of Truth: Day 8 – the story of O. « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

  9. This gives me a place to not feel so alone. I have just been diagnosed with Borderline and DID… my doctor says it all stems from PTSD… it’s scary to know these things, yet it makes so much sense!

    Thank you for sharing all of this!!

    ~L

  10. Pingback: Blog for Mental Health 2012 « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

  11. here’s some love!….i’m making my way through your writings, trying to understand this new and alleged diagnosis of BPD…i say that because its a mess of info at the beginning ( i wrote about the word salad in my life)…
    i appreciate the facts and am seeing a wonderful woman who is teaching DBT…

    thanks for putting it all here for us to benefit from, it seems you transcend it through your writing…

  12. I have recently found that all the blogs i find i like alot since i got on here are ones that people have BPD because i can relate to what they are saying. I ab beginning to realize that i myself may have such a condition. Especially when i read the parts about moods, emotions, being around people and relationships. Now it makes me wonder if thats not why women seem to find me unapealing. :( Maybe i should start looking for a nice girl with BPD. Seems she may understand me much better. Thanks for the post good lady.

    • I’ve found that a lot of people with BPD seem to get diagnosed after they’ve read about it somewhere; it’s not taken that seriously in the UK. I don’t know where you’re from, but I suggest speaking to a doctor about your suspicions if you feel the symptoms fit. I found life much easier to cope with when I was finally diagnosed because things made sense at last.

      I’m no expert, but I think two people with BPD may be a bad combination. I know I find it incredibly frustrating trying to communicate with my best friend (who has bipolar, and the symptoms can be very similar) and I know I drive myself crazy, so another BPD person… we’d probably kill each other! Then again, it might work wonderfully.

      I’ve found the opposite. Men find me appealing, but once they get to know me they tend to run a mile. I hope you find somebody; I eventually did. There’s somebody out there for you.

      • Thanks for the encouragement about finding another person. As for the speaking to a doctor…. i’m not good about going to the doc i usually hate the idea even if i am dying. But i see your point. I would go but i can’t go alone. I dunno if you understand that or not. And considering i don’t have any friends around i am stuck lol.

        thanks for talking to all of us on here, you are makeing a difference

  13. I have been here before but I am putting back together a “accidental” post lost

    anyway–I can help it-I don’t believe in the borderline theory-a true borderline is very rare– they have NO sense of self,,,,everyone has qualities of borderline and if in the extreme it’s PTSD or a co-mix—-don’t box yourself in.

    I love your blog!! TC_TG

  14. its comforting, if thats the correct word, to see that some borderlines have a great way of expressing themselves with words, and as a result i really relate to what youve said in some kind of shared understanding.

    Those sentences werent very well structured but I cant always articulate what i want to say. Basically thank you, i’m slowly realising that i’m not alone in my borderline bubble.

  15. I can’t stand people with BPD!!!!!!!!, My soon to be ex-wife has ruined or should I say destroyed everything i built for the last 21 years. I’m retired military, she put me into 25k debt, sold my retirement gift (1972 Plymouth duster), took money from me, calls, texts, emails, hoovers, threatens, plays the victim, has filed PFA’S on me to hide her lies, told a judge she tried to commit suicide 3 times, told that crap to my youngest daughter, lied about 6 surgeries, accused me of killing the dogs when she had possession of the dogs, sold items of mine, harassed county attorney, hide my cell and car keys, twice told my daughter she doesn’t want to be her mom, called and emailed my family members about our sex live, hates my other kids, took all parental rights away from me with her son while we were leaving together, called child protective services on me for child abuse, lied about receiving taxes (my taxes 3.5k) and spent it all, gave her 4k for my daughter’s ortho and she never paid it, keeps getting into my retirement account and changing crap (it’s a federal crime!), every three days would be arguments until i apologized or caved……and so much more……..you people with BPD SHOULD ONLY BE ALOUD TO MARRY EACH OTHER!!!!!! The total destructiveness you bring into peoples/family/loved ones lives is just criminal!!!! Now I have to pick up the pieces; my daughter cuts herself, oldest daughter is on depression meds, claim bankruptcy, and start all over again age the age of 44. You BPD!!!! should never be allowed to date/marry/have kids……I feel so sorry and sick to my heart for all of your next victims…..GOD help them so they won’t be put through this hell I’m going through.

    • Wow. Sounds like you had a pretty hard struggle with your almost ex-wife. You sound pretty bitter. You also sound like a really inconsiderate bastard who I have very little sympathy for. You know why? Because you thought it was a good idea to drive-by a blog you’ve most likely never even read before and do a little shooting to make yourself feel better from your bad situation. I really can’t stand people who put down others to make themselves feel better. It’s a real prick act.

        • Sammy: He bit first and bit hard. It WAS a real prick act and he was being an inconsiderate bastard. Sorry she didn’t use daintier words, but come on, lets call a spade a spade. The guy is a troll perpetuating a stereotype on the personal blog of a person trying very hard to live with this complex interpersonal mental health condition- and he’s doing it for no other reason than to release his own aggression by foisting it onto people whom he has never met- his problems have absolutely nothing to do with her personally. the psychobabble word for this is: projection. He needs to find another platform for his rage (shall we call it “victimhood?”) if he thinks he can dish it out without having to take it. Who gives a gosh darned flip how based in reality this stereotype may or may not be? This is not the place to vent his rage about it. the prick bastard.

          • Sorry. You are the ones being the pricks. You need to take responsibility for the choice of your behavior (yes it is a choice, I have PSTD from childhood and don’t rage and wreck people’s lives) because it’s not ok. Maybe BPD is a reason but it’s not an excuse. Yes BPD is a result from childhood trauma, but many people who have childhood trauma worse don’t manifest with BPD or any other cluster B disorders. These are the selfish disorders as your post so aptly demonstrates. BPD manifests from not only childhood trauma, but a childhood trauma that completely indulges the child and gives them no boundaries to respect aka extreme spoiled brats that feel entitled to everything and without working for it.

        • but that’s not really the point is it, Rosanna? I have lived with a “borderline” and yet I don’t feel the need to follow gary’s example and think he is being very offense and is “playing the victim” here himself. he may need to find help for his own “codependency” issues. Sue may be the kind of person who, even if she had lived with a “borderline” would know better than to vent her frustration on the personal blog of a well-meaning person who is struggling to identify and live with an illness that is extremely- and yes, unfairly- stigmatized. it is pointless, illogical and in very poor taste to lump all people who have been labeled with or identify with the “borderline” diagnosis into the category of “evil manipulative bitch.” it is a very heterogeneous condition that presents in many different ways, and is possible to recover from. and as the blog author has said, his wife may have been a bitch wether she had bpd or not. as hurt as many people may be from their failed relationships, a blog like this is not the platform for obnoxiously ranting and raving about terrible exes and treating bpd as the “that bitch was crazy!” disease. it is more than that. and frankly there are many, many internet forums spawned for just the kind of venting gary feels the need to do. he can go find one of those.

          • Rosanna were referring to the blog I wrote so many moons ago? I am in a new relationship that is amazing! Not one argument! but we have our disagreements, just like every normal couple. We are very respectful towards each other and always talk and work through them. My opinion of BPD’s is from experiences that happened over a period of 7 years. Venting helped in the healing process as it does for so many men and women. Playing the victim by your terms is only for the weak defenseless female stance that society deems the only appropriate measure. if you have bothered to read any articles on dating, marrying, or divorcing BPD’s. The other party has very limited skills in dealing with that type of person. Where on the other hand BPD’s have years of hiding and developing their skill sets. Venting, looking for compassion, and advice is unwanted by your definition….then most on this site deserve what they got and should suck it up! By reading your statement above your lack empathy is insulting and you should look else where to convey your opinions to BPD’s and those like them.

        • .Ive become involved with a woman who i suspect has Bpd but i dont know much about the illness yet.

          Sometimes she sounds and acts her age and sometimes she sounds and behaves like a child. Its just as if she has two distinctly different personalities-is this typical in Bpd ?

          Ive also seen many of the symptoms described in the DSM at one time or another.

          I do find her attractive, she has a certain charisma but my instincts tell me i should steer clear. I dont think i can help her much anyway-she abuses drugs-heroin, pills and weed

    • I just saw your post… I am so sorry. Your BPD wife could have been my daughter… I hope things are better for you now. I’m going through so much anguish at the present time because of her… I truley understand what you are saying about the destruction these people cause… I pray with you… GOD help them!!

  16. sue…..inconsiderate bastard!!!…..you weren’t there to fix everything, you weren’t there to apologize for all those hateful things she said to my kids, and still i stayed in the marriage. what you read above was her decision to destroy the marriage. Before that I was doing everything under the sun to make sure we had a future together. at the time I didn’t know she was BPD…always thought women acted like that normally. I have only meat 3 women who didn’t act like they were entitled to whatever they wanted because of their gender. Now I know, and recently was dating a woman who acted like my ex, I asked her to stop making comments and quit the jealous thing, this nice lady upped the pot by calling me verbally abusive, It’s all about control with BPD! …. She has a wonderful family, her dad has dementia and is the one who is very verbally abusive but for some reason she put his mental illness actions on me. I just have to figure out why I’m so attracted to BPD women or they just see something in me (nice guy) they can exploit. So please don’t judge me…..I sure wouldn’t do that to you SUE.

    • Gary, you ask not to be judged… but in posting your first comment, you judged myself and a large number of my readers, without consideration for the hurt you could cause or their personal circumstances.

      I understand your anger, I do. I really do. I’m not blind to the damage BPD’ers can cause, because I’ve witnessed it myself every single time I’ve done it. But blaming somebody who is mentally ill is never going to work, because there is no logic in mental illness, and everybody is different.

      Honestly? Your first comment ripped me in half. I am NOTHING like your ex-wife, and to tar us all with the same brush is hurtful.

      • That’s a typical response from BPD person, play the victim and pick out one thing that is said or typed and make the person/family feel like they have done something so wrong. voicing my opinion maybe hurtful and mean. Just like in most group sessions if your not aware of your actions how will BPD’s be able to break the cycle? By me writing to this blog/page it should give your readers some type of guilt/shame of what they do to everyone they meet. my ex-wife chews up and spits out friends like their tread on tires. I still get harassing calls from her and, just got two this weekend (threats) (hoovering). I’m not blaming, minimizing…ect…I have had enough of poor me (victim stance) (gone with the wind); what about the people who’s lives have been destroyed? for heaven sakes even the court system favors the BPDs, the normal person has no ideal what happen until 6-12 months after the relationship ends. I was merely pointing out if two BPD ppl get married there will be less of ppl getting hurt. They will just destroy each other and get to feel all of that same pain normal ppl feel very doubtful. mary kennedy i would say read it, thats the best way to see the effects of your mental illness has on loved ones.

        • I don’t quite understand what you hope to gain from telling a stranger all this; a stranger who is obviously trying to deal with everything BPD includes – how will that help anyone? Why me, out of the millions of blogs out there? Yes, THAT is a typical BPD response, but you know why that is? Because I have BPD. And I don’t understand how your ex-wife’s behaviour has anything to do with me or my life.

          “Normal” person? Do you have any idea how patronising that is? I have a flat, which I pay rent for. I go shopping. I have a relationship and friendships. I have family. I have hobbies and interests; so why am I not a normal person?

          Look, I understand how frustrating it is, living with someone with a mental illness. But you can’t tar everyone with the same brush, because it doesn’t solve anything and just causes more problems. I don’t hate everyone with bipolar, even though my ex-boyfriend was abusive – he’s an individual, and you can’t judge people on their illnesses. Everyone’s different.

          I’m not quite sure what you mean by “do to everyone they meet”. I’ve been in a relationship for two years, and we’ve never even argued. I have never screwed my best friend over, ever. I know plenty of people who’ve met me and had no harm done to them, so why say I’m hurting everyone if I’m clearly not?

          Yes, I will play the victim, because that’s the main symptom of BPD, and even if it weren’t, even if I were “normal”… I’d still be hurt. It’s not right to blame a stranger for the actions of someone else.

          Honestly? Your ex-wife would probably be a bitch, with or without BPD. Some people just are.

          • Don’t give another thought to Gary’s remarks, he has not a clue what it’s like to live with a mental illness and we fear what we cannot understand, we insult and put down others as a way to build ourselves up. I suffer from bipolar and it hasn’t been a picnic but I do remind myself daily that people are ignorant and mean. Just keep on keepin on, love yourself and your illness as it is part of you never let anyone stomp on you like a bug. The saddest thing is Gary has so much anger and resentment from being let down because his wife didn’t fit into his “perfect” world the way he would have liked. He needs to help because it’s obvious he has much anger to deal with and one way is lashing out at you or anybody that reminds him of his x. Hugs to you and I’m sorry you had to experience such rude and insensitive remarks.

            • Wow look at all the BPDs trying to defend themselves lmfao x 10000. You disgusting in denial vile pieces of garbage. Give Gary a break just because he doesnt have BPD doesnt mean he didnt suffer. You think its all about your own suffering disavowing the whirlwind of chaos you all create and blame others for. Id eat my own used underwear in public just to promote how serious your effed up denial is. Gary sounds alot like me in having given EVERYTHING. And it still wasnt good enough. And instead of effing listening to him and showing lack of empathy, a typical BPD trait, you effing proclaim he is in the wrong for venting his suffering at the actual hands of an ACTUAL BPD. Do you BPD morons in denial even realize your comments look BPD? defend yourselves kiddies you are still polished turds at the end of the day. I hope you all get stung by 1000 wasps.

              • Nobody has said he didn’t suffer. In fact, many have said that his wife’s behaviour is entirely unacceptable.

                He is wrong for venting on a personal blog. A generalised blog would be fine, and even welcomed – we do want to hear the other side of the story – but this isn’t the place for that, at all. It’s like running someone experiencing domestic abuse and punching them in the face. This blog is about somebody who is making every effort to recover. I can’t imagine this helps.

                And no, I don’t have BPD.

          • I love that last bit. Some people are just bitches! No need for him to randomly rage about this sad sad fact of life to a well-meaning blogger like you. And, in the spirit of checking the facts (DBT) [my opinion on the facts anyway :) ], you are not “playing the victim” in response to this gary fellow. At all. You are just standing up for yourself like any self-respecting person would when attacked out of left field like that. Nor was it a typical BPD response- it was a typical human-being-after-being-grossly-insulted response. The pigeonholing that can go on with psychiatric labels is ridiculous- especially this one. Just because you identify with this disorder doesn’t mean that every time you assert yourself you’re being an “angry victim.” Or even that if you act like a bitch on occasion you aren’t just having a run of the mill bitchy moment like anyone else (dudes included). So people with this disorder can maybe “play the victim” as a symptom sometimes- that doesn’t give the omnipotent gary or anyone else the excuse to write off your completely “normal” (whatever the hell that means) reaction as some kind of “manipulative” victim game. Jeez. He is projecting his own victimhood onto you for no good reason at all- pot, kettle, black etc. Just my humble, ranty opinion- though it seems obvious to me. You rock for sharing your story and working hard to live with this condition- and for not letting the haters get you too down!

            • point being, you- and anyone- should be able to freely identify with this diagnosis- or any other- if you wish without it being thrown back at you as a defense by others not willing to actually hear what you’re saying. you know that, but, again I feel the need to keep ranting and raving about it! I hope I didn’t invalidate your feeling that it was a typical bpd response *as well as* a “normal” response. it was just that gary triggered something personal for me: mental illness can be so entwined with identity in ways that are often uncomfortable, that hearing someone tell me that my behavior is “typical” of an illness in a way that seems like a cop-out for his own behavior can make me think, “well no it’s a normal reaction, thanks very much.” but then that can give too much weight to “normal.” more like, “yeah I have that illness in conjunction with being a human being, so pardon me if I behave according to that sometimes-ambiguous reality.” this is a tough one with anxiety too- having an anxiety disorder can lead others to take my “real concerns” concerns less seriously- like the boy who cried wolf I guess. it seems like this would be even more of an issue with bpd, since it has so much to do with interpersonal sensitivity- a topic on which all people can be very defensive. it can be hard to determine who is being “too sensitive” in an interaction, and emotion-regulation can be be a problem for many people in a variety of situations- within many mental disorders and in “normal” folks.

      • Don’t judge? That’s the guilt trip? Shame, blame and project? Fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). Just. Stop. Take responsibility. These people ruin lives. They are selfish. It’s not a mental illness. It is a choice. It’s on the spectrum of sociopathology. You judge others and justify your behavior by playing God in their lives and they deserve what you’re dishing out. BPD is a selfish, self absorbed, entitled, and disrespectful pattern of behaviors that results from being over indulged as a child. You never were told no as a two year old, so that’s where you’re stuck in your terrible twos with that mind set. To the two year old he’s the only one in the universe. Not ok. Grow up.

  17. Hello, My ex girlfriend and I recently broke up. She didn’t tell me about her BPD until months after she moved in with me. I really didnt think it was a big issue. I loved her. Things started to change like her anxiety in public with me. She was on medication for this but she was very impatient and angry at the world. I also was diagnosed with depression and on meds myself. She was going to DBT counseling and she just stopped. When she was going it was great. She would leave her session happy and apologize for the way she treated me. She just would be so mean and verbally abusive andI allowed it. I didnt want to fight. She started playing poker every night, it totally consumed her. Then smoking weed, 3 to 4 times a day. I just watched her become someone I didnt fall in love with and I missed that person. of course I got depressed and blamed myself. She always would tell me my faults and never her’s. It was like being with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I never knew what to expect. I have to admit I started to be afraid of her. I wish I had took her BPD nore serious and read up on some things. I have wished her well in her life as she has told me to fuck off. She totally blames me for the ending of the relationship and maybe I am to blame but I allowed myself to be a punching bag her words cut me like a knife. I care for her and truly wish her well.

    • I know it’s taken me months to reply to your comment, so I can only hope you see it!

      I think, sometimes, we just have to let people go, mental illness or no. It sounds like your ex was trying but wasn’t quite well enough to have a stable relationship, and that’s not your fault. I suspect you could have read all the books on BPD in the world and she still wouldn’t believe you understood. You sum BPD up perfectly by referring to it as Jekyll and Hyde – and I don’t think you could be blamed for feeling afraid of her.

      I will admit that my behaviour used to be similar to that of your ex’s, and so comments like yours can be quite difficult to reply to. I don’t ever want to condone abusive behaviour, and it’s a hard balance to get right sometimes. Now I’m still relatively stable on the medication, my past actions seem utterly alien – I simply wouldn’t act that way anymore, and I’m pretty disgusted with myself. I’m telling you this, because things DID change for me; and it may well do for your ex. I suspect one day she won’t blame you anymore.

  18. I have Epilepsy and its difficult to know where it ends and I begin or what other hidden problems might exist. I am fatally disconnected from life, I have no friends, no attention span to generate even the potential for the conversations I would like to have and I keep forgetting the people I have met so that when someone I have known for months appears before me in the absence of a week most of my memories of them are gone. Many times I won’t recognize their faces or names. I fall asleep during longer social events and if I don’t sleep I seize, I am always in a fog, I forget where I am, what I am doing, sometimes I forget where my body is and I might leave my hand on a hot burner or set my arm on fire and not bat an eyelash. I feel like a tremendous burden on others, like a child that just cannot grow up. I don’t have a job, learning anything knew seems impossible, I get lost outside of my own apartment. Not having a life and the loss of my memories gives me the sense that I don’t have an identity at all. I usually classify myself as a loser/slacker but the truth is in those tiny moments of clarity I am actually quite energetic and ambitious but they never last long enough to amount to anything substantial. Writing is the only time I have any mental clarity and though I am not a good writer, I write like my life depends on it and it probably does. On top of Epilepsy though I have the sneaking suspicion there is something else. I can relate to a lot of what you said as a child I used to punch myself in the face all the time and whenever I get a bit off kilter or too tired I have an impulse to hurt myself), I am very emotionally unstable, impulsive (not in the ordinary way at 18 I moved to another country to be with a man I had only known 1 month and had only physically been around for 2 weeks, it worked out we are married to this day but its not easy). I get overwhelmed very easily, so easily its almost like I am autistic at time. In fact I can walk into a group of autistic people and not be noticed, not even by them its the strangest thing but my presence doesn’t register, I also manage to sneak up constantly and accidentally on wildlife (I’ve physically ran into deers, I have been face to face with a red wolf), Its like i am so gone from this world that I am actually a ghost.

    • it doesn’t sound like you are a loser or a slacker. it sounds like you’re chronically ill with a brain disease and suffering from the trauma it’s causing you- and epilepsy also often co-occurs with depression. I hope you don’t always feel like a ghost. even if you do, you have to admit that sneaking up on wildlife (especially a red wolf!) is pretty cool :) your experience sounds so difficult. I’m suffering from a more mild form of constant mental fog myself, and a lot of what you say you’re feeling resonated with me (I also use writing as an escape, I can be surprisingly clear when I sit down to write compared with my attention and memory the rest of the time). If you can afford it, finding a good therapist might help you cope with the trauma that the illness seems to be causing you on a daily basis (and you may be able to find one for pretty cheap on a sliding scale basis). I assume epilepsy medications haven’t worked? I know they can cause mental fog too. have you thought of trying a ketogenic diet- the medical diet used to treat refractory epilepsy? in case you haven’t heard of it: it’s basically eating fat in very high proportion to other macronutrients and it’s actually a relatively healthy diet, though it can be hard to follow- but many people say it is worth it and is the only thing that has helped them, and that they find ways to make it delicious. good luck to you, and keep writing. I think you are a good writer. I’m sure you know that many great writers and artists had epilepsy. and you may be among them…!

      • I have tried medications and it hasn’t stopped or even reduced the number of seizures but it has had side effects often anger but one of them caused apathy so severe I didn’t even want to live. This year I started gluten free to see if it was a food allergy and gluten was the most likely culprit. I need to give this one a while as it takes the body a long time to heal. Gluten can actually break the blood brain barrier. I have heard of the ketogenic diet but I was a little concerned because I don’t digest fats properly and it is very high in fat. I am not scared of fat the body needs fat, I eat fat but when I eat too much fat even the good sort I spend a helluva a lot of time in the bathroom. Thank you so much for kind and encouraging words. I recently got an appointment with a psychologist nervous as hell but hopeful. Best wishes to you as well =) You are an amazing writer ! And like you writing is the only time I can really think.

  19. Here’s what I had to say to someone who wrote a very long post on his blog “…many borderlines do not find the help needed to enable an effective life until relationships are damaged and what could been is lost through the deception that empowers the borderline who continues on a path of self-defeating behaviors and deceiving those around them.

    Read my post and my comment to him, as well as his interesting reply to me here:

    http://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/deception-and-the-borderline-personality-what-could-have-been/

  20. I am a male living with bpd for at least as long as i can remember but diagnosed in 2002. I find it so difficult to get through most days without tears and regret over everything. I was married to someone who turned out to be a sociopath-and i thought women were the weaker sex! It really is hard to have bpd and be a man, everyone assumes i am insane. If only they knew that i feel crazy most of the time. All i have really discovered in the last 10 years is that marijuana is a godsend and it’s all that keeps me sane and level.

  21. Excellent post, and I have been there done that, including setting my hair on fire, climbing in the shower with all my clothes on for hours, cutting. I was much worse when I was younger but I seem to be stabilizing as I age. I’d never had a relationship that lasted over a year. But now at 45 I’ve managed to be with the same man for almost 3 years. I told him what to expect and he is understanding, and we don’t even argue!

  22. Oh my….I recognize myself in every line you wrote….Wow….Yes, I have BPD and have many of the traits described. Currently practicing DBT skills like crazy to cope. Bless your heart for posting this. We really aren’t demons, are we? There is still so much to understand about this illness and I pray for all of us to receive the compassion and support we deserve!

  23. What can you do if you know that someone, in my case a child (now 40 with three traumatized children) has BPD? I have studied much about it, feel sad for her most of the time, try to understand and not antagonize….. really want her to face it and get some help but don’t know how to approach it as she gets hugely angry if you even suggest she look at therapy. The children. 19, 16 and 15 are suffering and she can not see it….. I am desperate to help all of them, any suggestions?

    • I apologise greatly for not replying to your comment sooner, wanda .

      If the children are suffering, she really does need help; does she have any sort of professional support? I’m assuming not, going by your words. It can be hard trying to get somebody with BPD to go to therapy, as it becomes a failure in their eyes. Either that, or it can feel like being ganged up on by every bully in school. Which is where it becomes so difficult for those who care about them.

      I admit, I honestly don’t know what to suggest. It sounds like such a painful situation to be in, and I can only hope you find some sort of way of getting her to see she needs more help than you can (and should) give.

  24. My ex-husband not formally diagnosed BPD but during a forensic evaluation it was implied by the psychologist. We have been through a horrible trial divorce and he is now appealing the judgment. I have legal and physical custody but he has extensive visitation and often smothers the kids. I feel so helpless and afraid for my children. I need to know what to do for my children’s sake. He displays impulsive and unpredictable mood swings that are confusing for the children. He guilts and manipulates them. He is constantly telling them I am taking them from him when I have no intention of doing so. His emotions are intense and he has alienated family and friends. Everything I read confirms that he displays patterns of BPD. I usually just ignore the text and email threats and rants. I do not want to engage him and it usually is so upsetting and mean. I try to limit the conflicts for the children but I do keep a firm backbone because he is an intimidating bully. I want to keep him in their lives because there are times when he does show them love and tries to be the father he never had but his behavior and patterns of emotional instability scare me. My children and I go to therapy. From the perspective of a person with BPD, what can I or should I do? My ex needs to get help so that he can be the father his children need. Any help you can offer is appreciated.

    • I am a new step-mother to a 14 yr. old girl who has been diagnosed with BPD. In my attempts to learn more about this extremely difficult to live with disorder, I now know that my ex-husband definitely suffers from this as well. It all sounded way too familiar. I am 100% positive he has BPD. For 14 years, I was yelled at daily, every single thing was my fault. No matter what I did to compensate or appease, it never worked. When I had a job that made him jealous, he pretended I had a stalker and I quit that job out of fear. He was the stalker, I learned over a decade later. He would put my young daughter in the middle of our arguments, including waking her at 2 am to be on Dad’s side. She knew there would be hell to pay if she ever stood up for me. I felt she would resent me forever if I ever left him. I did finally leave. Now my children visit a volatile unhappy man who is an manipulative, angry alcoholic and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

      Switching back to present day.
      Two days ago, my step-daughter attempted suicide. She recently came to live with us after having troubles living with her mother and step-dad. She is an empty person who does whatever she can to achieve what she needs to be happy at that moment. I am supposed to feel empathy and all I can feel is fear and pain. I have lived this before. I do not wish to live through the 14 year old, I’m adopted and suffering version, as I have already survived 14 years of the I was sexually abused and damaged version.

      I too have not had a happy past, but I have always found a way to stubbornly get through it. I was raped at a young age, I attempted suicide and was left in my room to just barf up my stomach lining for days. No one brought me to the hospital for help. I didn’t damage everyone around me to make myself feel better.

      I can feel the pain that Gary wrote about. I don’t necessary condone everything he said, but being the object of a BPD’s affection/hostility is the most miserable, horrible place to be. I also can completely understand where “helpless” is coming from.

      helpless too – plus lost and angry

      • I don’t disagree that being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be hellish. I’ll never deny that. What I don’t personally appreciate is the generalisation. Not everyone with BPD is like your ex-husband or stepdaughter, and your stepdaughter is still very young; things can change, people can take control, and there is help out there. Uncontrolled BPD is very different to controlled BPD.

        See, I used to be like your stepdaughter, but eventually found the help I needed; in my case, daily medication and a wonderfully supportive GP. I also forced myself to have a word each time I treated somebody badly; I told myself off, and explained to myself why it was an awful thing to do. Over time, with a lot of help, I overcame a lot of the past. I controlled my outbursts except for the occasional panic attack – which I also became aware of and I learned to remove myself from certain situations quickly. My BPD wasn’t – and isn’t – mild in any way, and I slipped up a lot. But over the years I stopped reacting to events quite so dramatically, and was able to analyse my behaviour and understand why I got so unreasonable.

        However… it wasn’t easy, at all, and I had the rare situation of having nothing to do for years on end while I lived with my mother. So I had forever to go over my situation and work things out. It also took a lot of guesswork with medication, and some did more harm than help until we found the right one (cipralex and beta-blockers). The mental health system hasn’t helped me much. I found I had to build on my own reserves. Which isn’t easy. So I don’t blame anybody for not attempting it.

        If I thought the way some commenters do, I’d never, ever trust someone with bipolar, due to my ex being a horrible, horrible man. However, I can’t let myself think that way because a mental illness is not a full person, and I’ve since met lovely people with bipolar who have never treated me badly.

        Everyone’s different. Don’t base your entire view of a group of people on personal experiences.

      • that all sounds terrible. but you’re missing the point of this blog post. It’s not a forum for you to vent and make unreasonable implicit comparisons to the the blog’s author. just do it somewhere else. You’re being very disrespectful and indirectly (though not so indirectly, really) taking your problems out on her, and you don’t even realize you’re doing this. it just gets under my skin. the internet is not your therapist; it’s a forum for communication in which people should at least strive to be respectful. your situation is awful, so is Gary’s, but all the both of you are doing here is complaining about it in a way that allows you to passive-aggressively take your anger out on an undeserving person by implicitly comparing her to people you hate. that is quite pathological behavior too. In reality BPD is an extremely heterogeneous construct, and the disorder can co-occur with all other kinds of disorders and personality disorders. besides that people are just unique and variable. either go tell your story in a more appropriate forum (there are plenty of “BPD-bashing” forums for just this purpose) or talk about what constructive things you might be able to do about it and at least show some reciprocity by expressing some empathy in return for your own venting. no one following these comments needs to be told how hard it can be to live with someone with BPD, or to have to echo back that sentiment to make you and Gary and whoever else has been burned by difficult relationships feel better- especially not over and over and over again.

  25. I saw that you mentioned you are on Cipralex, at least you were a year ago. Are you still on it and do you think it is helping with your BPD symptoms? My therapist thinks it will help but I am always nervous to go on meds as I fear the wrong one will push me over the edge.

  26. Wow it sounds like you have a severe case of the bpd. I have a moderate case I believe. Im angry alot and stress debilitates me I dont handle stress well. I dont typically become suicidal unless Im dating someone, and I dont really date anymore because I think men are pieces of fecal matter and irrelevant to my life. I dont have friends bc I think people are all selfish flaky anx useless. I dont get upset if they dont answer the phone one day, but if I text them about an important issue to me and they completely ignore it and only contact me about their own problems, well then I fucking hate them and they can go fuck themselves. I know Im not normal, but people in general are shitty anyway. We are just allergic to said shittiness.

  27. i’ve just realized that i probably have bpd. my boyfriend recently left me, emotionally drained and terrified to reconcile and give things another try even though i finally recognize my role in causing our problems. we were happy, until i became pregnant unexpectedly. he wanted me to abort, withdrew all physical and emotional initmacy, but stayed throughout the pregnancy. we argued and said terrible things, i was very hurt and felt a great deal of rejection. i have been to counseling since then, we tried couples counseling…..no one suggested i was bpd. so, ultimately, i thought i was justified to have the self confidence issues and kept expecting him to assure me of his love. i have been terribly insecure and have finally pushed him away for the last time. i was hoping i could show him that now that i recognize what’s wrong with me, i can try to fix it. our final argument was little son together. his birthday is in two weeks. after reading more about bdp, i am worried that i’ll never be able to heal enough to maintain a decent relationship let alone heal this one.

    i don’t think i can afford the counseling i need to work on this professionally. is it possible to conquer this with self-awareness? i am heartbroken that i’ve hurt the person i love so much. i was married before and was cheated on…..so i’ve been hypervigilant and questioned his intentions throughout our entire relationship. no matter what he said or tried, i was wary of his female friends, jealous of activities that didn’t include me, desperate when he was away on business trips, and constantly questioned his love for me. he reacted so badly to the pregnancy that i wound up spiraling further and further out of control. when i sought reassurance, he reacted with anger. and now that i finally think i can confront the real issue, he is gone.

    if i can show him that i am changing and making progress, he will consider coming home within a month. but, how can i work on this and make progress when our relationship seems to be my trigger? we aren’t planning to discuss our relationship, date, or spend time together other between now and the end of the month. he needs the time apart to decide whether or not he’s even willing to try anymore.

    i’ve never tried to so hard to make a relationship work. i want to stay positive and change the way i react to to things emotionally and prove to my children and my love that we can be a family and live a reasonably happy life.

    • I’ve been trying to reply to your comment for a while, Ann – apologies that it’s taken longer than I’d hoped. I can certainly see a lot of myself in what you say and the thoughts you describe; the problem with BPD is that it’s very similar to many other illnesses, especially bipolar, so getting a diagnosis can be very difficult. As you say, it’s not always possible to afford the therapy either. I know I certainly couldn’t if I weren’t in the UK.

      I think the best thing to do is to keep gaining awareness of what’s going on with yourself. You don’t need a diagnosis for that. You seem to be quite knowledgeable of some of your behaviour, and I found that was key in trying to deal with all the emotions and rubbish which was going through my head a couple of years ago. After I was diagnosed I went my own way with treatment, other than to continue taking the meds I was already on for depression and anxiety. It’s been incredibly difficult, but I’ve made a lot of headway and life has changed for the better in that respect. I know it’s a cliché, but if I can do it, anyone can. I really do believe that.

      I’m not sure what to say about your relationship. By all means work on changing the ways you react to things, but I would suggest trying (I know it’s hard) to do it for yourself, and not your relationship. Of course your relationship and family is incredibly important to you, and I really do hope you work things out between you. I’ve just found, personally, that I only began dealing with things when I concentrated solely on myself. It’s not always that easy though, especially with a family and I appreciate that.

      I think you’re doing okay, for what it’s worth.

  28. * i was hoping i could show him that now that i recognize what’s wrong with me, i can try to fix it. our final argument was little son together. his birthday is in two weeks.

    i meant to say:

    i was hoping i could show him that now that i recognize what’s wrong with me, i can try to fix it. our final argument was over a good night kiss. we have a precious little son together. his birthday is in two weeks.

    • Girl stop blaming yourself. That guy is a real piece of work. Youve been hurt and its hard to trust again. Now you have two choices; if hes changed and is being a good dad and partner, you can choose to forgive him and focus on his good qualities. Let him know you now forgave him and will trust him more and not fight. If he is still an emotionally unavailable hot mess who wont apologize or change, or if you cant forgive him, then move on.

  29. My husband and I adopted an abused child when she was 2 years old. She was a precious little girl and at about 6 diagnosed with ADHD but was on several meds until she was 14. She began destructive behaviors at about 14 in the form of cutting. She took up the goth look and listened to screaming music.Her father retired about that time and she focused her focus to him to get her way – geting permission for purchases and places to go. When she turned 18 she began getting tatoos and was sexually active with several partners before getting pregnant by a boy 3 years her junior.They got married. He is an unmotivated and lazy boy and she has not shown much initiative to better her life. Neither of them are “able to find jobs” – she is now almost 22 and he is almost 19. HERE IS MY PROBLEM – my elderly husband totally supports her, the boy husband, the baby and NOW his mother and her 2 children have moved into the house that my husband and I own. They pay no rent, utilities, insurance – NO expenses are paid by them. My husband totally supports them and believes them when they say they are TRYING to find jobs. This has been going for for over a year now. They have also gotten hold of his credit card and have spent over $50K in about a year. My dear husband thinks he is helping them get on their feet and he is offering stability to the marriage by continuing this behavior. I make absolutely NO difference to his opinion – he is determined to support her until they “get on their feet”. He is a kind man, but I feel he is being manipulated. I wish there was a coment or trigger phrase that would help him understand. But, maybe I am in the wrong? I just think there should be boundaries and expectations and even consequences to certain behaviors. Is there some sort of guideline as to how to REALLY help.

    • I don’t think you’re in the wrong, no. Your husband, as well meaning as he is, is enabling her behaviour and making it okay to act that way. If your daughter is anything like me, she will see it as permission to continue and may even believe she’s acting perfectly normally because there are no consequences. Everybody needs boundaries, and that goes for those with mental health problems too.

      I don’t know what to suggest. I feel for you in your situation; you’re stuck between two people. Your daughter is obviously unwell, and reading about her in her teens, she sounds very similar to how I used to be. I also did the tattoos/sleeping around/general acting out. One thing which really helped me, but I don’t know if it’s applicable in your situation, was for my mother to take all control of my finances legally. I loathed it at the time, but I now realise it stopped me getting into any debt and taught me respect for money, which now means I can budget better than most my age. Is that something which you think could be possible for her?

      I find I ‘leech’ off other people’s energy when I’m around them; I’ve been told it’s common in many mental health issues. So if somebody around me is lazy, I become lazy. If they’re motivated, I become motivated. It’s difficult to stop myself doing that, so perhaps having her boyfriend around isn’t helping matters. Again, it’s so difficult because she’s an adult and a mother.

      Do you think she’s willing to sit down and talk these issues through calmly?

  30. I have heard that people with BPD have different post breakup reaction than the non bpd. Non bpd tends to go into despair mode right after the break up. Bpd are usually appear to get along ok in life till much later when the realization of breaking up dawn on them. By that time, the non bpd partner has already gotten over the realization, so, it is usually too late for the bpd to try to resume the relationship. Is this true???

  31. The psychiatric model works on the premise a sufferer of Mental Illness is maladaptive to society.
    All this BPD stuff is a load of bullocks. What if, like myself, I had wacky parents in a religious setting?
    While i view my diagnosis as a mere formality in the billing/ coding process, and a way of telling other dorks in the White Christian community to be wary of me.= Transgender woman who is not patriotic christian enough or something…. Do enjoy the fact BPD expires at age 40 like sociopathy and all the other failure to grow up/ cope disorders like body dysmorphic disorder. Hope some of you can achieve the levity i have and not take these things so seriously.
    Robert Anton Wilson wrote of reality tunnels, and ive found SOME of his material helpful.
    Seems so religious the way some discuss these disorders….like god himself carved it in stone or something….the real reason they dont like me in the end, i dont believe their stories..a heretic, guilty as charged.

  32. BPD is something I have been diagnosed with twice in my life, and in neither instance did I feel that it was accurate. Being a strong-willed, opinionated, expressive woman with chronic anxiety and recurring episodes (every 2-5 years) of agitated depression during which I do indeed have issues with self-injury and suicide attempts (I very nearly died earlier this year), does NOT make me borderline. Unstable relationships? I married my high school sweetheart over 7 years ago, and we have a generally happy, loving marriage (we might argue at times, but it’s usually brief and quickly resolved, with a quick analysis of what happened and apologies all around). I have good relationships with my family and friendships that I have maintained for decades. I don’t do the “splitting” thing–I generally have a pretty nuanced view of people and situations. Anger? I’m not an angry person–yes, I do get angry at times (mostly at inanimate objects and frustrating situations), but it’s not explosive. Identity disturbance? I have known who I was since my teens. I’ve followed a consistent career trajectory, kept to my values and beliefs, identified myself to others in the same way, maintained the same hobbies. I do alternate between feeling relatively confident and smart (and occasionally during some of my “highs” I feel like I might be brilliant, like I’m going to have some great epiphany any minute now), and feeling like I am a worthless, terrible person. But this correlates with MOODS. Affective disturbance? I have mood swings, yes, but the moods typically develop over the period of a couple of days and last for several days to weeks. The confusing thing is that the depressive episodes often result in increased panic, agitation (both internal and external), and sometimes increased activity. The periods of instability last for months, but afterwards I’m stable, relatively happy, and productive for years on end. I don’t have abandonment issues. The couple of times my now-husband and I called things off temporarily, it came from me, and we stayed friends in the interim. I traveled for months internationally, on my own, during my PhD research, and while I missed my husband and son, I would hardly describe myself as someone who’s insecure in their relationships. I generally see my self as a strong, resilient, and independent person. I do have problems with worrying obsessively about what strangers and acquaintances think of me, about awkward social situation from the past, replaying them over and over in attempts to fix them, justify myself, or understand what I did wrong. It’s more accurate to say I worry about rejection, from people I don’t know well–but again, I’m most hypersensitive when I’m depressed. Do I disassociate? Somewhat, especially in extremely anxiety-provoking situations. Everyone does occasionally, and it’s common in people who deal with panic. Am I impulsive? Not more than most people I know. Some decisions I agonize over, especially anything involving money. I eat for comfort, but it’s more compulsive than impulsive as in, “I’m about to sit down and write so I’d better have a cookie to keep myself calm”. I’ve had issues with self-medication in the past, alcohol and later pot, but the great majority of the time my usage was carefully controlled, metered, to keep the anxiety at bay. Do I feel empty? Feeling “empty”, that life is meaningless, is a symptom of depression, so yes–if you ask me when I’m depressed. The rest of the time? No. I can find enormous joy in life, in nature, in my family, in my work, so long as I can remember to step outside of my obsessive, ruminating, worrying mind.

    This is not just me excusing it away–my therapist agrees with the above assessment, point by point, and my husband (a medical student), my mother, and my aunt (a psych nurse) all agree I don’t meet enough of the criteria to receive the diagnosis, even during my worst periods. My current psychiatrist, though she hasn’t known me long, thinks it’s very unlikely I’m borderline. We’re working to resolve whether I have major depressive disorder with atypical features, or bipolar II. I get this diagnosis when I’m in crisis mode, and usually from young, male psychiatrists who seem to feel perfectly comfortable slapping this label on me after knowing me for only a short period of time. And yes, I think there’s a sexist element to that.

    If you identify strongly with the BPD diagnosis, and feel that it helps you move forward in your treatment and communicate your needs to friends, family, and providers, more power to you. But if you’re not so sure … I would be very hesitant to take on this label. It is, unfortunately, still associated with a great deal of stigma among both mental health professionals and the public. For me, once the label started being tossed around, everything I said or did got interpreted through that lens, and they would search for things to support their diagnosis. In this latest episode, it meant, among other things: 1) I wasn’t taken seriously in the hospital. My very real panic attacks got treated as me “acting out”. The doctors pulled much of my medication, and it took forever for me to get back up to effective doses and med combinations. Never did they discuss the possibility that I might be on the bipolar spectrum, or consider adding a mood stabilizer. One of the hospital doctors basically disregarded what I had to say for myself, and would ask to speak to my husband instead. 2) Because of concerns that they would be enabling my suicidal ideation, I was often discouraged from seeking help when I needed it (and seeking help is something that’s often very difficult for me to do, something I agonize over–so it was hard for me to stand up for myself when this happened), and encouraged to leave the hospital as soon as possible (though I generally hated being there, and so would tell them I was ready to leave when I wasn’t necessarily)–the most serious attempt on my life occurred about 5 hours after being discharged. 3) I wasn’t allowed any choice in my treatment. I was told “it’s DBT or nothing”. I’ve been through DBT before and I find parts of it helpful–but as I can recite most of the skills verbatim, and they weren’t enough to get me through the awfulness I was experiencing, and I find it a very limiting framework after a while, I hardly wanted to sit through hours of it every week. They also tried to coerce me into full-on AODA treatment, even though at the time I was having no more than a couple of drinks a week and had given up the regular pot usage months ago. (I think they must have thought I was lying?) When I asked about switching doctors since my current one was unwilling to work together with me, this request was refused, and the fact that I’d asked taken as an indication that I actually was borderline. I was told I would no longer be welcome at the clinic anymore if I did not comply, and that insurance wouldn’t pay for me to go anywhere else. (Eventually, they relaxed these stipulations, and my family moved away soon after.) 4) It spilled over into other medical treatment. When I showed up in the ER with stroke-like symptoms a couple of months later, doctors looked at my chart and were immediately dismissive. One resident asked what I was “really” doing there. I was sent home and told, essentially, that it was psychosomatic. I had to press my family doctor to order an MRI. And it turns out that I have only have one functioning vertebral artery, and may indeed be susceptible to attacks of VBI. The whole experience has made me very hesitant about interacting with the psych community, and I hope I am never again in a situation where I have to do so regularly.

    Anyway, to those of you who think this diagnosis will be helpful to you, be wary …

  33. I am a 41 year old female with bpd. I was raised by my mother who has narcissistic personality disorder. I am very attracted to men with npd. I did suffer severe childhood trauma in the form of covert psychological abuse. I know that it was not intentional my mother is mentally ill and also suffered severe childhood trauma from childhood abuse. I also struggle with the self centered nature of the illness and at times loathe myself for having it. The point is its not intentional but it is my responsibility to seek treatment. The paradox is for bpd is having any form of intimate or close relationship even with a therapist is so difficult because the main issue with bpd is stormy interpersonal relationships. I know that I seek out men with npd because I feel if I can make a relationship work with them it will in someway rectify my relationship with my mother.Sounds scary right? Really it isn’t. People relive childhood abuse in all kinds of ways without ever knowing. It requires therapy to deal with the trauma and dbt to relearn a new way of behaving thinking and perception. It is a function that was damaged and its not about blaming its about acceptance and forgiveness. This is just my experience I cant speak for anyone else. People have much conflict with personality disorders because it is an illness that affects behavior that is hurtful to others. But it is still an illness and requires treatment. It cannot heal on its own, it requires help. We are taught when someone hurts you they are bad, that is not true the behavior or action is bad not the person. Accepting the diagnosis is as hard to overcome as the illness itself. I hope this helps. It has taken me many years to feel this way and I am in therapy and dbt myself but do struggle with being consistent with it. It is never ok when I behave in ways that hurt others and it is my responsibility to seek treatment and as bpd’s we are lucky because we have dbt, where as many other personality disorders still have no treatment like for my mom at 75 years old there was no help available to her in her lifetime. In cases like her forgiveness and compassion even when she is mean is what is right. Now that I am aware of her behavior and illness it is my responsibility to recognize it and not let it have power over me because she is not capable. Thanks for listening.

  34. miy sad excuse for a shrink saw me twice diagnosed me bpd promised me cbt and dvt on the monday ….wed his lacky rang my hubby and said no sorry we are releasing me from mental health act ,as they feel a local mhnat a local clinic could do the same ,so glad took hubby with me him being sound of mind ,liars ,could tell my gp the truth ,so i think that means go away ,hes not even wrote to my doc,so im being sent back to the clinic i was refared to him by when they can be arsed mad ,furious,debating wat to do next,may ask 2nd opinion may fuck him over n cuff myself to his office door n fone press. as for his excuse 17 years of amphetamine abuse have made me incapable of dealing with my life errrr was fine for 2 years after stopping then bang ,so self inflickted so not worthy of his effort i have serious short term mem loss cannot write its like a5 year olds feel left high n dry oh n left on 5x diazapam a day since last march he realy gave a shit xcuse swearing it also started with mem losswish my kids were married n settled id finish what i started in the begining with a rope no burden and no head paim n torment

  35. Hi i have just been diagnosed with bpd now i understand the feelings. What have been mentioned above i am a male and know its more common in women does this mean differnt affects in male and females whats more confusing and makes me quite anxious is that i understand the syptoms of bpd but at the verey same time its scares the shit out of me and am not quite sure why i feel like i do i get so angry and aggressive with it. I dont want to hurt anyone but at the very same time in that moment you better not talk to me or i will rip ur head of them scroany little shoulders am very confident on the outsider love to be in the middle of any party and can keep parties alive but on the inside i have no idea why these people like me as i dont feel handsome i know am not ugly but feel that any women i meet could do better and distrust what they actually feel and upon till now i thought it was just insecuritys but very intensly i thought everyone felt this way but obviously not in some sense this releaves me as i know its an imbalance in my brain but any how i really dont know how to move on from this diagnosis as its been a week since i found out i have organised thearpy but could anyone help me with any other altrernatives to controling how i feel pleease thanks

  36. I understand the hostile comments from non bpd people that got caught in a relationship with these mentally disordered people -mostly women for some reason. The problem with them is they camouflage it so well until your life is ruined. I luckily have been able to move on quickly unscaived ( but by the skin of my teeth). Most cannot be saved and IMHO they should be committed before they pro-create and continue their disorder to their children……

  37. Thank you… You have helped me better understand what someone in my family may be going through. Without recognizing what may be happening in the other person’s mind it is extremely easy to it’s misinterpret what’s being said, and do the wrong-thing while trying to do the right-thing.

  38. I agree with Gary. Living with someone who has been diagnosed with BPD and doesn’t recognize it or seek help is hell. I understand there are those out there that are truly trying use their resources to save those around them the pain and destruction that BPD causes. But those who don’t are truly blind to the sheer living hell that their actions, decisions and behaviors cause to those around them. I also understand every case can be different, but it devastates me that people on here still continue to enable these people to be victims. The true victims are the poor children or parents or spouse of a diagnosed BPD person. This is not a ‘drive by’ attack, I have spent many hours online poring over how to deal with and be understanding of someone with BPD so that my poor stepchild and husband can live without the abuse and destruction that they have to deal with on a daily basis. I have came to the conclusion that there is nothing we can do other than hope one of her many ‘suicide attempts’ or ‘cutting episodes’ will take her out of our lives forever.

    I eagerly await the typical reactions of those who have BPD who don’t entitle anyone else to have feelings or opinions….. bring it….

  39. TheRealVictims, you are more than entitled to your opinion. I cannot log in to my usual account for some reason, but felt you deserved a reply.

    I will never, ever deny that living with someone with entirely untreated, wild BPD would be hell. I have said those words many times on this blog. Sadly, this appears to have gone unnoticed by some. Unlike some comments, you accept that every case is different – it’s being lumped in with everybody with BPD I object to, as I see it as no different to assuming all Muslims are terrorists. An extreme example maybe, but judging everybody with a condition based on the actions of some isn’t, I feel, acceptable or helpful in any way.

    I have been a terrible person in the past. Again, I have said this many times, but for me to say ‘but I’ve changed and this assumption upsets me’ seems to label me as a ‘poor me victim’ – something I can’t agree with. It’s entirely acceptable to be upset as a human being, regardless of any diagnosis, and I’ve never been a victim to anyone but my own distorted thinking, apart from one relationship where I do truly see myself as the victim as nothing I did during that relationship entitled my partner to use physical violence – and I have later learned that he has done it to many other women in the past.

    At no point have I ever claimed to be the spokesperson for BPD. I’m just somebody who happens to have it, and would love others to be able to see that it doesn’t have to be destructive if you don’t let it and to learn the coping mechanisms I have over time to enable me to react to situations rationally and calmly. My boyfriend is not a victim. I have never hurt him, emotionally or physically, and we lead a quiet, laid-back life. I have hurt my family in the past but together we’ve worked on those issues and I have always apologised and taken full blame. I accept that I treated my ex-fiancé just as badly as he treated me.

    However, to say I should never marry or have children, and, as a recent comment suggests, should be committed… why? I am not mentally unstable. Sure I have my issues just like any other person, but I am not a danger to myself or the public and lead a quiet, unobtrusive life. A diagnosis does not always mean that you are unable to lead a normal life. It just means that some things may be more difficult. Personally, I relish the challenge of changing.

  40. my wife and I are finalizing the divorce which I’m not crazy im out, I ended up having to do that after her and her lawyer decided to eat me alive one day in the courtroom. Especially over my late family. I love her very much we’ve express love to each other very much she has a trust issue because I walk down but not out of intent, our church pastors suggested I need for a few days, to let things cool down and I came home to rain lock door.a restraining order. And come to find out one of the pastors decided he didn’t like the way she argued with him and this was some sort of a plan for them to get me away from her. I found the emails and the texts, I gave them to my wife she’s out of town right now. With a narrative on I didn’t do this because even the pastor Braggs how he ruined for reputation to church, so needless to say I find the end of the church, we want to stay good friends best friends I’m looking into statistics on many websites and we stand a good chance it’s a little therapy to come back together its been 9 months and the divorce is about to be final. But she wants me to live nearby and she wants to be friends and bestfriends, so now the Chelsea I didn’t do the damage she thought I did maybe I pray, she will find forgiveness in your heart and realize I didn’t do this because of my love for her is great. Thank you Paulif anybody’s got any ideas let me know what ya I don’t want to leave her to be alone in harm’s way, I’ve been in the military too long to turn my back on my wife, so someone give me a hand and some prayers thank you pt

  41. I’m 23 and in a r/ship with a great guy. Been together a year. Honestly I’ve had so much messed up relationships but this guy is great. Doctors have given me all types of meds. I even had an neo scan. I got accepted for treatment but cos I ram away and moved to luton I’m off the system. Im convinced I’m bpd. I had loadsa abuse as a kid but my main thing is.I don’t wanna lose my man. I love him so much and when things is good they’re great but when their bad do bad. I am so evil to him. Say things I don’t mean, physically hurt him . I’m torturing him. Things r ok for a few weeks then u just explode. I wish I could fix up and control my behaviour. Hell end up leaving me soon. This is so messed up. I just want us to be UK but how.much more can I.expect him to put up with. I’m sick off the cutting. This one time I carved his name into my chest and made him watch. I feel so guilty yet when I go off on one its like I lose all rationality. Hell I pack my suitcase and run away when I have no where to go. I’m recovering from drugs. Was in a rehab in glos at 17. I totatally relate to it blog. I was just wondering if anyone had any tips.or advice. Ps sorryfor spelling. Getting used to this touch screen still

  42. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at 18 years old Im now almost 22 before I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder I didn’t understand or even know what was going on in my mind I constantly would be flip flopping all the time with relationships friendships or even when I was going to do with my life. at the age of 2 I was taken awaywith my brothers and sister from our mom and dad my older brother and sister gotta go stay with my grandma but me and my little brother were put in a Foster home my brother was a baby I can still remember when the foster mother wouldn’t pick my crying baby brother up and wouldn’t let anyone touch him to try to calm him down so I started crying and I was locked out in the rain for 3 hours she was very abusive she locked me under a crib and made me sleep under there we ended up getting to go back home but the caseworker threatened my mother and told her she was going to get them kids at 10 years oldwe moved up to washington on some property my mom bought that we were going to build a house onat the time we were living in a RV2 weeks after we moved up there i came home from school one day and there was a man sitting at the front of my property in a jeepwe had no trespassing signs posted up all over well I walked up to his Jeep with my friend and I asked him who he was and what he was doing here all he said to me was my nameis David wrothchild. he didn’t get out of this Jeepand started to walk on my property I told him he was allowed to do that cause there’s no trespassing he proceeded to do so anyway so I started running around like my parents told me to and was screaming kidnap rape fire. this made him mad he returned to his Jeep and would not talk to me or my sisterhe called to sheriff’s down and said that we were going to foster care I ran and hid. he found me and we were taken away again from my mom and dad and only this time in 4 months separated me my sister and my two brothers went to 20 different foster homes and 13 different schools and when the caseworker originally took us away he told the judge we had no running water electricity or plumbing no he never got to go inside of our RV and we did have all of those things and so when the judge found out David lied to him. and took this way for nothing my whole family won a lawsuit for our 1st 4th and 14th amendment right being severely violated. My mom got 77.000 grand as did my dad after paying their lawyers my sister got the same but mine and my little brothers is going to be a lot more then that because I went to 8 of the foster homes and he went to about then same amount . I started mine last September my lawyer says he doesn’t promise me millions and millions but I’ll get enough to live comfortably for long time. so again we got the back to our mom and dad and I just want to make his clear my parents were very loving caring people who was there for their kids and fought child services to get us back……. now 12 years old I talked to a counsler about how my mom and dad got a divorce because of dhs taking us and them fighting constantly because of it a week after talking to her I was called up with all my stuff from class I though my mom was taking me out of school early I was excited when I got up to the office a cop and caseworker was standing there they took my stuff made me get in the back of a cop car and again I was being taken from my mom and dad this was the worst time in foster care out of all of then 9 years they had my family this last time and all because the lady from the very 1 st time said I am going to get them kids to mom she did it she got us and destroyed 6 human being for no reason what so ever anyhow the case worker I had last sally parker was a heartless horrible woman who is going to hell when she dies she had me diagnosed with bipolar manic depression desperation anxiety PTSD she locked me up in 7 lockdown treatment place jacked me up on over 150 different psychotropic meds including zyprexa abilify lythum geodon and so many more I didn’t need any of these pill I didn’t need to be in any lockdowns I didn’t need to be told Eve time I saw my caseworker was never going to see my family again and I am never going home so I shouldn’t count on it 4 years I was locked up jacked up on pills used as a test rat for the state of Oregon she didn’t let me see or talk to anyone in my family and she also was doing this to my baby brother he was just locked away for 9 years . I ran away kept going home to my mom and dad its all I ever wanted in m life was to just go home. I was destroyed as a person had to grow up at 12 and take care of my self I am so fucked up today I am so sad and angry bout my past I can’t move past it even through I have been trying for 6 years I have no friends no joke not one I destroyed and continue to destroy any relationship that I have in my life I had being alone though it scares me I fear being yelled at rejected abandoned fucked over and to even try to get help because counselors are the reason I was taken away the last time. I fear my future I fear dhs is going to come after my child now for the rest of my life I don’t know what happened to the girl I used to be she is locked away in my mind somewhere and I just can’t find it I am a bad person I yell at people who r in my life and I can’t stop it and I try so hard to stop. I sometimes hit people when they are fighting with me and calling me names I am and have worked a lot on controlling that. In lock downs I was in we did dbt and ebt and that doesn’t Hall me for shit today because I was forced to do those groups forced on meds that if I refused to take I’d be locked in m room all day alone so I hadno choice but to then I ran away and I was released from foster care at 16 they judge said its pretty clear she doesn’t want to b in fostercare so we r just going to realase her of the case but we will keep he brother the judge is in on the whole thing with dhs too they get money for every child they take away as does the judge in Columbia county I was dropped off all the pills they had me on at 1 time which fucked me up a lot I’m sure. I believe the reason I have borderline personality disorder is from foster care and begin shipped from home to home to home to lock down over at least 50 times and homes growing up I hate my life I can’t move past what the states done to my family and i . What do I do I am so scared to get help and I have had a diagnosis of BPD and I fear meds also of any kinds except for marijuana which helps he stress but that’s it please anyone with helpful advice for me email me please t.marcus54@yahoo.com thank you for reading my story story its so long and boring Taylor

  43. For me it’s not just being in love with being loved, but when someone gives me positive attention its as if that validates me as something special, when someone is attracted to me I get a sort of high. When they lose interest the complete opposite happens – I see myself as ugly inside and out. So I fight to keep that attraction as much as possible….

  44. I really appreciate this blog.
    I’d like to know if there are resources out there on how to be a good friend. While I have not been diagnosed with BPD, my psychiatrist has said that I have BPD “features”. Friendships are a real struggle for me. When I google BPD and relationships, I find a plethora of articles about how to deal with or defend oneself from people with the illness. Some of these seem helpful, some insensitive. In any case, I am looking for help for ME. I’d like to be a better friend. I’d like to do relationships better. It seems like there should be resources out there to help with this.
    Thanks again for your blog.

    • Hi Jhome –

      I don’t know of any resources out there, but will certainly have a look. It’s something I’ve often wondered but the inevitable insensitive stuff puts me off. I struggle hugely with friendships, although I’m slowly improving – I may be wrong but I suspect time is often an important factor with BPD. Over time I’ve been able to pick up little hints and tips from observing others, and although I don’t always get it right (I make friends easily, but have a habit of shying away after a while) things do seem to be improving. I’ll see what I can find :)

  45. Pingback: Borderline personality disorder | Rescuing Little L

  46. so I’m guessing this site, is for people who have BPD. Now this makes sense to me, being attacked for my own opinion about BPD and the destructive path they leave behind. I’m and not saying all people with BPD are bad. My niece has BPD and she understands her actions. It does get crazy because of her abandonment issues. The family ignores her unwanted behavior and things turn back to normal. One thing that puzzles me with BPD is intimacy. My ex wife used it as a control device and the niece absolutely stays away from being in a relationship. Now that I understand what this site is about, I will be more positive and encourage to those individuals that have BPD. Empathetic towards BPD’s will be a slow process because they know what they are doing is wrong.

    • In response to the first part of your comment, no; this isn’t a site for people who have BPD. It is my personal blog – I simply happen to have BPD and wrote a post about it. Something I now question! If you look around my blog, many of my posts are entirely unrelated to BPD, and the ones I do post are usually involving my experiences with therapy, past and present, and my attempts to control the behaviour which hurts others and myself. I’m not a spokesperson for BPD, at all. It’s just my blog.

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