Borderline personality disorder
Out of everything I have experienced in life, one of the things I find most difficult to talk about with any real candour is my diagnosis of BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder. There’s something about it which I can’t bring myself to explain in words; that feeling of fear and distrust which dogs every move. It’s not simple enough to just call it ‘anxiety’ or ‘worry’, because it goes far deeper than either of those things and I often find myself tongue-tied, unable to describe just now BPD affects me. As a result, very few people in real life know I have the diagnosis. I just can’t bring myself to tell them.
Earlier, I read a brilliant post called What Is Borderline Personality Disorder? on the site “You Know You’re Borderline When…”. Since my diagnosis, I’ve read everything I can get my hands on about BPD in the hope of finding some sort of understanding of my often ridiculous actions, and the post I just mentioned is easily the best article I have ever read on the subject.
One point the author, Jaen Wildfly, makes is particularly meaningful to me.
I guess the keywords here are: Unstable Self-Image
That still sounds a bit fancy. In essence, it means “I have no fucking idea who I am or what I want since my desires change from one minute to the next.”
I suspect one of the reasons why I can’t bring myself to admit to having BPD is because it all sounds a bit, well… self-absorbed. Nobody knows who they are, right? It’s not like we have the monopoly on wonky self-image. Try telling the average person on the street that you have an unstable self-image, and listen to them talk about howeveryone doubts themselves; it’s impossible to get across just how much of an impact being impaired in identity can have on your life without sounding like an attention-seeker.
When I was diagnosed last year by a psychologist, I had a hard time explaining why the label of BPD – or rather,any label – was so important to me. Over the years I’ve been given many diagnoses – clinical depression, chronic anxiety, schizophrenia for a short while – and usually they’re as welcome as a kick in the teeth. Each label has changed me in some way and determined the path my life took, and most have resulted in disaster. However, I started to realise that my life has been governed by my total inablity to react rationally to imagined disasters, and without knowing the reasons why I act like that, how could I ever improve?
Jaen also uses the word ‘fragmented’, which to me is the perfect description of how it feels to live with BPD. Sometimes I wonder what I’d see if I could open myself up and look inside; whether everything would be shattered and broken. I wonder if there would be a visual clue as to what’s causing me to destroy every relationship I have.
To describe BPD properly, you have to grit your teeth and be prepared for others to judge you, for them to think you’re a cold, uncaring freak with a tendency to fly off the handle at the smallest provocation. BPD, like any other mental illness, is very unattractive when it makes itself known.
Regular readers will know that I haven’t quite destroyed every relationship; I’ve been with S for over a year now, and through some sort of divine intervention we’re yet to have a single argument. Not even a small one. This defies everything BPD is about, and I can only assume that the combination of cipralex and beta-blockers I take – along with the ten or so joints I smoke a day and the tendency to turn to opiate painkillers when things get too stressful – numb the fears which make me irrational and obsessive. It’s the fear which makes me angry, you see; the fear that I’ll lose somebody, or they’ll think less of me.
We are romantic junkies. Borderline behavior will increase with each new partner; thoughts of a perfectly passionate soul mate will drive us to do things that can be considered “impulsive.” But we are driven by a primal urge for this special someone to be our ultimate romantic love and savior. It is hard for us to look for realistic love when we crave this intensity. We are “in love” with being “in love” and will do stupid things to get our desires quenched. Usually, we end up disappointed because we don’t understand the transition from desire to love.
When I met my ex-fiance, O, the relationship was already doomed to fail although I didn’t come to realise that until many years later. Throughout past relationships, my behaviour had developed into a seething cluster of resentment, mistrust and paranoia which ruined everything I came into contact with, and my tendency to fall for men who would take advantage of me had given me an incredibly skewed view on love. I believed equally in the great love story and the cruelty of men, hoping for the first but inevitably finding the other.
During the relationship, I rarely saw my behaviour as unreasonable. To my mind, all the injustice of the world was constantly thrown upon my shoulders and O simply didn’t understand how much his words hurt me. Looking back, there’s no way he could have known, because very few people would react the way I did. Most wouldn’t slam doors or bury themselves in the corner of the room, banging their heads against the walls. Not everybody would smoke ten cigarettes in a row, lock themselves in the bathroom and punch themselves in the face, just because their boyfriend didn’t answer his phone.
Storming out of his house in the middle of the night and waking his parents became a common event; I’d wait at the end of the driveway until O came out and apologised. On an almost daily basis I would walk away from him over a small argument, stomping down the road with tears running down my face, first marching along then slowing down as I realised he might not follow me if I went too far. I always wanted him to follow me. I needed him to.
The Borderline has been taught they are unimportant, so they believe that life is unimportant. They know pain, they know hopelessness, but they don’t understand happiness. So the idea of “dying” isn’t really a hope for death but a hope for happiness. The thought process is “Can’t be happy here, maybe I’ll be happy dead?” So when suicidal thoughts are in action the person is unable to find anything to help ease the emotional pain.
Like many BPD’ers, I’ve made a number of suicide attempts. I’ve barely mentioned them so far because the feelings behind the attempts are still quite raw, even years later. Also like many people with BPD, because I survived it’s assumed they were a cry for help or attention, and so the doctors who treated me in A&E for paracetamol and antidepressant overdoses didn’t take me seriously.
Each and every time, I wanted to die, and was disappointed when I hadn’t. The efforts of others to save my life were lost on me; I just wanted out. The last time I considered suicide, I found myself running out of the house in the middle of the night, into a storm. My mother and I had been arguing about the amount of control she has over my life, as usual, and I suddenly just couldn’t take it any more. For a few minutes, the idea of walking into the sea crossed my mind. I even set off along the embankment, planning on getting to the sea wall and letting the tide pull me away. The urge was addictive, and I couldn’t think of anything else but ending my life. The ability to see how my death would hurt others was lost to me, and I still don’t quite know why I went back home after two hours. I stopped being angry, I think.
I have never considered suicide when depressed; even thinking about it would be too much effort in that situation. However, anger and panic are what drive me to think such thoughts, to harm myself, to chain-smoke and take more pills than I should. Any type of fear sends me into a blind panic; I just don’t know how to deal with the emotions. Or any emotion, really.
Related articles
- Four Types of Borderline Personality Disorder (risablairlovitz.com)
- Borderline Personality Disorder- Criteria and Me (bipolarmuse.com)
- A Response to a rather Negative Blog I read about ‘Borderline’ Personality Disorders!(cerebralhealth.wordpress.com)
- Borderline Personality Disorder (cozyblanketsnowflakerepetitioncompulsion.wordpress.com)
- Unstable Moods in Borderline Personality Disorder (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Breaking it Down: Borderline Personality Disorder (psychologiques.wordpress.com)
cozyblanketsnowflakerepetitioncompulsion
November 8, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Hey, thanks for subscribing to my blog. I’m still looking for the button on your site to subscribe to you. I read a couple of your posts. We do have one thing in common…. BPD. I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, God knows, it’s exhausting for me to talk about having been diagnosed with it for half my life. I did find that Girl Interrupted was nothing really like BPD though. Anyways, I know some of your struggles and you can imagine some of mine… it’s even worse being a guy and having BPD because there just aren’t that many of us. Anyways, I like your blog and I look forward to reading more.
-Ry
halfwaybetweenthegutter
November 8, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Hi, I’ve added a subscribe button now. I should have done it ages ago but I’m so forgetful.
I can imagine it is more difficult being male with BPD. I suppose, in some ways, a lot of traits of BPD are accepted as just being ‘how women are’ and it’s easier to hide it under the cover of gender. Did you find it more difficult being diagnosed?
I found Girl, Interrupted was only a tiny, tiny glimpse of what BPD could feel like. The book is a lot more descriptive than the film, and I identified with a part where Kaysen is biting her own hand to try and feel ‘real’ – to me, that’s what BPD is all about. Wanting to feel real and part of everything else, but being unable to.
Suburban Mum
November 8, 2011 at 7:06 pm
I saw you subscribed to my blog today – hello. Just reading this page has made me realise this could be written about me! I have my first appointment with the local Mental Health people in about 6 weeks time and I’m going to ask them about it. Thanks for subscribing and here’s to better health for both of us.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
November 8, 2011 at 7:42 pm
Hello
Nice to meet you. Good luck with your first appointment – I had to learn about BPD myself and presented the idea to a psychologist, who was initially unhappy about diagnosing me because he said “it’s just a label”. What these doctors don’t realise that once you have that label, you can fight against it.
emptychalise
November 10, 2011 at 4:26 pm
Hello from across the pond!
Thanks for subscribing to my blog, I have had no visitors until now, I need to figure out how to get it out there a bit, I suppose. As you would know, I also have BPD and many other labels and although only diagnosed 6 years ago or so, have surely had it forever.
Anyhow, i am having a little look around your pages and am loving them, love the pics, you have a great way of expressing emotion in photo media. I have subscribed to you and feel that with all of your followers, I have also found a niche on the net.
Have a wonderful evening ,
halfwaybetweenthegutter
November 10, 2011 at 11:33 pm
Thank you very much! I hope you’ve had a good evening too. I found your blog while checking out other blogs tagged with BPD – it’s comforting to know that I’m in no way the only one out there who thinks the way I do. Even just reading posts by others helps me, and I’m pretty pleased that by doing so I’ve had people visit me back; it really wasn’t expected!
Write into the Light
November 15, 2011 at 7:52 pm
In my lay opinion, BPD is a form a post-traumatic stress from childhood and the only thing that is finally working for me is DBT therapy (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy.) This post is very imformative. Thanks
halfwaybetweenthegutter
November 15, 2011 at 8:31 pm
I agree – most cases of BPD seem to stem from some sort of childhood trauma or experience. I’d love to give DBT a go, but it’s not available in my area… although perhaps that will change as it becomes more popular.
schmuckie
January 10, 2012 at 6:42 pm
You can always do the workbook by Dr. Marsha Linehan.
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Skills-Training-Manual-for-Treating-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/Marsha-M-Linehan/e/9780898620344?itm=1&usri=linehan+marsha
I got to use it when I was in a group setting and it has been amazing. I have repeatedly put the skills that I learned to use and while I still have issues, I am coping with life without medication. Which the medication was causing problems with my lupus and other health problems. Additionally, I know when I am being overwhelmed or feel a shift happening; so, I will always put myself in therapy as soon as I can. I generally go at the minimum once a week for few months to set my world and mind back into the right place and then taper down to 2 times a month, to once a month, once every 2 months etc.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
January 10, 2012 at 10:12 pm
This is one thing I hate about the UK – unless you can afford to go private, you can’t just walk in and see a therapist. You have to see your GP, who refers you, and then there’s a waiting list of sometimes up to six months. If I had the money, I’d drag myself off to therapy all the time.
Thanks for the link, I’ll check it out.
temper_tantrum
November 22, 2011 at 3:39 am
Hey. Okay. Right.
So, I fought against the BPD label at first but it’s me. So I accept it. I tell people about it when they first “meet” me–most of my interactions with others are online because I also have profound social anxiety. I’m not sure how much of my blog you read, but BPD comes up a lot. I was in a DBT group therapy for about two months but three weeks ago I was in a profound state of anxiety and they took me out of the group because my behavior was likely to “trigger” responses in others. Whatever. So now I don’t go. To be honest, the other “BPD”s were getting on my nerves because they were kind of rude to me since I didn’t “fit in” with them. Anyway, we know about the pushing away part of the disorder. Try being in a group of people who push people away!
For me, it’s a constant struggle to try to maintain some sort of consistent emotional state. I lose usually. But I agree with what someone said up there about having the diagnosis be somewhat comforting. Every time I see a new “expert” to continue with my state disability, they add new diagnoses on. And my mother was REALLY upset to read about this disorder in the DSM-IV link I sent her because of “childhood trauma.” Oh, get over it, mom. This actually isn’t about you for once!
A really good book I have been reading is called The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating. I’m a bit pissed that she stole my autobiography but it really is fantastic (at least so far).
hscounseloronline
November 29, 2011 at 7:07 am
My 32 year old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD and for the last 18 years our relationship has been tumultuous. A radical change occurred when my daughter hit puberty. She went from a loving, happy, popular, soccer-playing child and morphed into a young teen who no longer wanted to go to school, started using drugs(cocaine and adderol), cutting, became anorexic, bulimic, was stealing from family members and also department stores (got caught) and had a child with a guy she met at a party, who is also an unemployed alcoholic. We “helped” by paying for rent, food, furniture, clothes, diapers and her divorce (now they’re back together). When they moved they left everything behind and now have nothing again. Neighbors have called social services on her twice (fighting with the boyfriend and baby crying a lot). I love my granddaughter, but am no longer able to see her as I no longer provide any financial assistance. My daughter is pregnant again and continues to drink and when I confronted her she snapped, “My doctor said you can drink while you’re pregnant.”
Living with this is agony and have guilt as I wonder what did I do so wrong that my daughter could have turned out this way. She was a beautiful girl, (got a lot of attention for her looks), graduated from a prestigious private college in Los Angeles and was a rising star in the television industry. Now she is unemployed and says she wants to look for a maid job. I am getting counseling, but the pain of living with a BPD adult child is painful beyond words.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
November 29, 2011 at 8:48 pm
I can only give you my own experiences as somebody living day-to-day with BPD – it can get better. I was an awful teenager, I treated my mother terribly. It wasn’t entirely intentional, but I was a very selfish person at times and didn’t stop to think how my behaviour was affecting others. I also changed hugely at puberty, I think the hormones get mixed up with mental health/illness and cause an explosion of sorts in the brain. Nothing made sense to me, and I lashed out as a way of gaining some sort of control over how lost I felt. There’s no real excuse for how I acted, but I know sometimes my behaviour was literally out of my control. Sometimes it was like watching someone else freaking out and causing pain.
You haven’t done anything wrong; at least, not from what you’ve said. You’ve simply been a mother, and been caught up in something beyond everyone’s control. Is she receiving any treatment?
hscounseloronline
March 3, 2013 at 3:04 am
I just found this and realized that a friend posted it about their own daughter when my account was open. I was wondering if you would be willing to take it down.
jimbobwayinthesky
November 30, 2011 at 3:23 pm
Thank you so much for finding and subscribing to my blog. Unlike you and many of your subscribers, I do not have BPD, but I am dealing with an ex-wife thatquite likely does. Over the last year, I have read much about the disorder and I have come to realize that she exhibits many of the symptoms. She has been ordered by the court to be evaluated prior to our next hearing on Dec 9th. I look forward to reading your future posts, as I feel I will learn much from you.
niyamaiu
December 8, 2011 at 6:16 am
Thank you for finding and posting this article. It is very interesting to read.
~niya
halfwaybetweenthegutter
December 8, 2011 at 6:55 am
Thank you
madamfickle
December 12, 2011 at 3:19 am
Hi. Thank you for subscribing to my blog. I’m so glad you found me. I was just at the doctor last week and I asked for a pysch consult to rule out adult ADHD since two of my sons were just diagnosed with ADHD. However, after reading this post, it feels like BPD may be what is going on with me. We shall see. First I have to work up the nerve to go to shrink….
halfwaybetweenthegutter
December 12, 2011 at 3:45 pm
Well, I hope you do work up the nerve, and get any answers you want/need; I found out about BPD from reading blogs. Good luck.
~L
December 30, 2011 at 8:39 pm
This gives me a place to not feel so alone. I have just been diagnosed with Borderline and DID… my doctor says it all stems from PTSD… it’s scary to know these things, yet it makes so much sense!
Thank you for sharing all of this!!
~L
Kerry Paeth
January 8, 2012 at 5:32 am
Definitely, what a splendid site and enlightening posts, I will bookmark your website.Have an awsome day!
aoikasan
January 16, 2012 at 7:13 pm
It was like you found my most personal blog when you subscribed to my more public one. Indeed, I too have been diagnosed with BPD, as well as major depression.
Little L
January 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm
here’s some love!….i’m making my way through your writings, trying to understand this new and alleged diagnosis of BPD…i say that because its a mess of info at the beginning ( i wrote about the word salad in my life)…
i appreciate the facts and am seeing a wonderful woman who is teaching DBT…
thanks for putting it all here for us to benefit from, it seems you transcend it through your writing…
halfwaybetweenthegutter
January 24, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I’m glad you’re seeing someone for DBT – if you find the right person, it can be a huge help. Sadly, it’s near on impossible for me to get DBT in this area.
Jacob N
February 11, 2012 at 11:35 am
I have recently found that all the blogs i find i like alot since i got on here are ones that people have BPD because i can relate to what they are saying. I ab beginning to realize that i myself may have such a condition. Especially when i read the parts about moods, emotions, being around people and relationships. Now it makes me wonder if thats not why women seem to find me unapealing.
Maybe i should start looking for a nice girl with BPD. Seems she may understand me much better. Thanks for the post good lady.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
February 11, 2012 at 1:09 pm
I’ve found that a lot of people with BPD seem to get diagnosed after they’ve read about it somewhere; it’s not taken that seriously in the UK. I don’t know where you’re from, but I suggest speaking to a doctor about your suspicions if you feel the symptoms fit. I found life much easier to cope with when I was finally diagnosed because things made sense at last.
I’m no expert, but I think two people with BPD may be a bad combination. I know I find it incredibly frustrating trying to communicate with my best friend (who has bipolar, and the symptoms can be very similar) and I know I drive myself crazy, so another BPD person… we’d probably kill each other! Then again, it might work wonderfully.
I’ve found the opposite. Men find me appealing, but once they get to know me they tend to run a mile. I hope you find somebody; I eventually did. There’s somebody out there for you.
lookingforapurpose
February 11, 2012 at 7:09 pm
Thanks for the encouragement about finding another person. As for the speaking to a doctor…. i’m not good about going to the doc i usually hate the idea even if i am dying. But i see your point. I would go but i can’t go alone. I dunno if you understand that or not. And considering i don’t have any friends around i am stuck lol.
thanks for talking to all of us on here, you are makeing a difference
Heather Whitley Gibson
February 12, 2012 at 9:17 am
I have been here before but I am putting back together a “accidental” post lost
anyway–I can help it-I don’t believe in the borderline theory-a true borderline is very rare– they have NO sense of self,,,,everyone has qualities of borderline and if in the extreme it’s PTSD or a co-mix—-don’t box yourself in.
I love your blog!! TC_TG
William Leed
March 8, 2012 at 6:50 am
I have nominated you for the versatile blogger award.
please check this link out to see your award.
http://talkingleaves.wordpress.com/2012/03/07/versatile-blogger-award/
missmiow
September 2, 2012 at 1:12 am
its comforting, if thats the correct word, to see that some borderlines have a great way of expressing themselves with words, and as a result i really relate to what youve said in some kind of shared understanding.
Those sentences werent very well structured but I cant always articulate what i want to say. Basically thank you, i’m slowly realising that i’m not alone in my borderline bubble.
gary
November 18, 2012 at 10:46 pm
I can’t stand people with BPD!!!!!!!!, My soon to be ex-wife has ruined or should I say destroyed everything i built for the last 21 years. I’m retired military, she put me into 25k debt, sold my retirement gift (1972 Plymouth duster), took money from me, calls, texts, emails, hoovers, threatens, plays the victim, has filed PFA’S on me to hide her lies, told a judge she tried to commit suicide 3 times, told that crap to my youngest daughter, lied about 6 surgeries, accused me of killing the dogs when she had possession of the dogs, sold items of mine, harassed county attorney, hide my cell and car keys, twice told my daughter she doesn’t want to be her mom, called and emailed my family members about our sex live, hates my other kids, took all parental rights away from me with her son while we were leaving together, called child protective services on me for child abuse, lied about receiving taxes (my taxes 3.5k) and spent it all, gave her 4k for my daughter’s ortho and she never paid it, keeps getting into my retirement account and changing crap (it’s a federal crime!), every three days would be arguments until i apologized or caved……and so much more……..you people with BPD SHOULD ONLY BE ALOUD TO MARRY EACH OTHER!!!!!! The total destructiveness you bring into peoples/family/loved ones lives is just criminal!!!! Now I have to pick up the pieces; my daughter cuts herself, oldest daughter is on depression meds, claim bankruptcy, and start all over again age the age of 44. You BPD!!!! should never be allowed to date/marry/have kids……I feel so sorry and sick to my heart for all of your next victims…..GOD help them so they won’t be put through this hell I’m going through.
Sue
November 29, 2012 at 8:51 am
Wow. Sounds like you had a pretty hard struggle with your almost ex-wife. You sound pretty bitter. You also sound like a really inconsiderate bastard who I have very little sympathy for. You know why? Because you thought it was a good idea to drive-by a blog you’ve most likely never even read before and do a little shooting to make yourself feel better from your bad situation. I really can’t stand people who put down others to make themselves feel better. It’s a real prick act.
Sammy
December 30, 2012 at 5:06 am
Sue…. and why do use such abusive language then? Because of Gary? Talk about the kettle calling the frypan black… Whoa!
gary
December 30, 2012 at 12:47 pm
sue…..inconsiderate bastard!!!…..you weren’t there to fix everything, you weren’t there to apologize for all those hateful things she said to my kids, and still i stayed in the marriage. what you read above was her decision to destroy the marriage. Before that I was doing everything under the sun to make sure we had a future together. at the time I didn’t know she was BPD…always thought women acted like that normally. I have only meat 3 women who didn’t act like they were entitled to whatever they wanted because of their gender. Now I know, and recently was dating a woman who acted like my ex, I asked her to stop making comments and quit the jealous thing, this nice lady upped the pot by calling me verbally abusive, It’s all about control with BPD! …. She has a wonderful family, her dad has dementia and is the one who is very verbally abusive but for some reason she put his mental illness actions on me. I just have to figure out why I’m so attracted to BPD women or they just see something in me (nice guy) they can exploit. So please don’t judge me…..I sure wouldn’t do that to you SUE.
halfwaybetweenT
December 31, 2012 at 5:45 am
Gary, you ask not to be judged… but in posting your first comment, you judged myself and a large number of my readers, without consideration for the hurt you could cause or their personal circumstances.
I understand your anger, I do. I really do. I’m not blind to the damage BPD’ers can cause, because I’ve witnessed it myself every single time I’ve done it. But blaming somebody who is mentally ill is never going to work, because there is no logic in mental illness, and everybody is different.
Honestly? Your first comment ripped me in half. I am NOTHING like your ex-wife, and to tar us all with the same brush is hurtful.
gary
January 2, 2013 at 12:55 am
That’s a typical response from BPD person, play the victim and pick out one thing that is said or typed and make the person/family feel like they have done something so wrong. voicing my opinion maybe hurtful and mean. Just like in most group sessions if your not aware of your actions how will BPD’s be able to break the cycle? By me writing to this blog/page it should give your readers some type of guilt/shame of what they do to everyone they meet. my ex-wife chews up and spits out friends like their tread on tires. I still get harassing calls from her and, just got two this weekend (threats) (hoovering). I’m not blaming, minimizing…ect…I have had enough of poor me (victim stance) (gone with the wind); what about the people who’s lives have been destroyed? for heaven sakes even the court system favors the BPDs, the normal person has no ideal what happen until 6-12 months after the relationship ends. I was merely pointing out if two BPD ppl get married there will be less of ppl getting hurt. They will just destroy each other and get to feel all of that same pain normal ppl feel very doubtful. mary kennedy i would say read it, thats the best way to see the effects of your mental illness has on loved ones.
halfwaybetweenT
January 2, 2013 at 1:04 am
I don’t quite understand what you hope to gain from telling a stranger all this; a stranger who is obviously trying to deal with everything BPD includes – how will that help anyone? Why me, out of the millions of blogs out there? Yes, THAT is a typical BPD response, but you know why that is? Because I have BPD. And I don’t understand how your ex-wife’s behaviour has anything to do with me or my life.
“Normal” person? Do you have any idea how patronising that is? I have a flat, which I pay rent for. I go shopping. I have a relationship and friendships. I have family. I have hobbies and interests; so why am I not a normal person?
Look, I understand how frustrating it is, living with someone with a mental illness. But you can’t tar everyone with the same brush, because it doesn’t solve anything and just causes more problems. I don’t hate everyone with bipolar, even though my ex-boyfriend was abusive – he’s an individual, and you can’t judge people on their illnesses. Everyone’s different.
I’m not quite sure what you mean by “do to everyone they meet”. I’ve been in a relationship for two years, and we’ve never even argued. I have never screwed my best friend over, ever. I know plenty of people who’ve met me and had no harm done to them, so why say I’m hurting everyone if I’m clearly not?
Yes, I will play the victim, because that’s the main symptom of BPD, and even if it weren’t, even if I were “normal”… I’d still be hurt. It’s not right to blame a stranger for the actions of someone else.
Honestly? Your ex-wife would probably be a bitch, with or without BPD. Some people just are.
Rhonda
February 27, 2013 at 4:48 am
Hello, My ex girlfriend and I recently broke up. She didn’t tell me about her BPD until months after she moved in with me. I really didnt think it was a big issue. I loved her. Things started to change like her anxiety in public with me. She was on medication for this but she was very impatient and angry at the world. I also was diagnosed with depression and on meds myself. She was going to DBT counseling and she just stopped. When she was going it was great. She would leave her session happy and apologize for the way she treated me. She just would be so mean and verbally abusive andI allowed it. I didnt want to fight. She started playing poker every night, it totally consumed her. Then smoking weed, 3 to 4 times a day. I just watched her become someone I didnt fall in love with and I missed that person. of course I got depressed and blamed myself. She always would tell me my faults and never her’s. It was like being with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I never knew what to expect. I have to admit I started to be afraid of her. I wish I had took her BPD nore serious and read up on some things. I have wished her well in her life as she has told me to fuck off. She totally blames me for the ending of the relationship and maybe I am to blame but I allowed myself to be a punching bag her words cut me like a knife. I care for her and truly wish her well.
mindlovemisery
April 18, 2013 at 9:16 am
I have Epilepsy and its difficult to know where it ends and I begin or what other hidden problems might exist. I am fatally disconnected from life, I have no friends, no attention span to generate even the potential for the conversations I would like to have and I keep forgetting the people I have met so that when someone I have known for months appears before me in the absence of a week most of my memories of them are gone. Many times I won’t recognize their faces or names. I fall asleep during longer social events and if I don’t sleep I seize, I am always in a fog, I forget where I am, what I am doing, sometimes I forget where my body is and I might leave my hand on a hot burner or set my arm on fire and not bat an eyelash. I feel like a tremendous burden on others, like a child that just cannot grow up. I don’t have a job, learning anything knew seems impossible, I get lost outside of my own apartment. Not having a life and the loss of my memories gives me the sense that I don’t have an identity at all. I usually classify myself as a loser/slacker but the truth is in those tiny moments of clarity I am actually quite energetic and ambitious but they never last long enough to amount to anything substantial. Writing is the only time I have any mental clarity and though I am not a good writer, I write like my life depends on it and it probably does. On top of Epilepsy though I have the sneaking suspicion there is something else. I can relate to a lot of what you said as a child I used to punch myself in the face all the time and whenever I get a bit off kilter or too tired I have an impulse to hurt myself), I am very emotionally unstable, impulsive (not in the ordinary way at 18 I moved to another country to be with a man I had only known 1 month and had only physically been around for 2 weeks, it worked out we are married to this day but its not easy). I get overwhelmed very easily, so easily its almost like I am autistic at time. In fact I can walk into a group of autistic people and not be noticed, not even by them its the strangest thing but my presence doesn’t register, I also manage to sneak up constantly and accidentally on wildlife (I’ve physically ran into deers, I have been face to face with a red wolf), Its like i am so gone from this world that I am actually a ghost.
Joyce
May 5, 2013 at 2:55 am
Here’s what I had to say to someone who wrote a very long post on his blog “…many borderlines do not find the help needed to enable an effective life until relationships are damaged and what could been is lost through the deception that empowers the borderline who continues on a path of self-defeating behaviors and deceiving those around them.
Read my post and my comment to him, as well as his interesting reply to me here:
http://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/deception-and-the-borderline-personality-what-could-have-been/
Carl
May 10, 2013 at 8:34 pm
I am a male living with bpd for at least as long as i can remember but diagnosed in 2002. I find it so difficult to get through most days without tears and regret over everything. I was married to someone who turned out to be a sociopath-and i thought women were the weaker sex! It really is hard to have bpd and be a man, everyone assumes i am insane. If only they knew that i feel crazy most of the time. All i have really discovered in the last 10 years is that marijuana is a godsend and it’s all that keeps me sane and level.
dee
May 15, 2013 at 1:56 am
Excellent post, and I have been there done that, including setting my hair on fire, climbing in the shower with all my clothes on for hours, cutting. I was much worse when I was younger but I seem to be stabilizing as I age. I’d never had a relationship that lasted over a year. But now at 45 I’ve managed to be with the same man for almost 3 years. I told him what to expect and he is understanding, and we don’t even argue!
Rescuing Little L
May 16, 2013 at 3:49 am
Oh my….I recognize myself in every line you wrote….Wow….Yes, I have BPD and have many of the traits described. Currently practicing DBT skills like crazy to cope. Bless your heart for posting this. We really aren’t demons, are we? There is still so much to understand about this illness and I pray for all of us to receive the compassion and support we deserve!