I don’t polish my halo,
You mean more to me
I can’t disrespect that,
I don’t think you’d care,
when you see
right through me.
I leave everything tainted,
None of it matters.
always meant more to me.
Lighthouses, they don’t bring you to me,
my torch burned out and lights always fade,
I’ve told this story, I’ve walked this line,
this path of betrayal which we both made.
My touch, does it mean little to you now?
I stand on the sidelines, too afraid to speak.
Always the one who stood in the background,
you’re seeing strangers, but do you ever see me?
A new world, one I can’t bear,
cast out to sea with no strength to swim,
not waving, not drowning, just watching the lighthouses,
throwing their lights on everywhere we’ve been.
Beacons, they never clear your path,
and too many obstacles for me to remove,
a tiny flame long since snuffed out,
the control of strangers with their arms around you.
I draw maps, but they just lead you astray,
who’d ever think you’d be the one who would leave?
So strong, so solid, a thing of perfection,
something of envy, at least that’s what I believed.
Lighthouses, they can’t ever bring you home,
sex destroys everything and love always lies,
strangers surround you and I crash with the waves,
you’ll never come to me first; I’ll never shine.
was a myth I never quite
was a lie, a few
was a story I wrote
and you took it away
I turn the pages
but you changed the ending.
When I met O, I had such hopes and dreams for us; just as I had for every other past relationship. He was to be my saviour, a knight on shining armor to rescue me from every mistake I ever made and every man who ever made me feel worthless. At the time I believed that nobody – not a single other person in the whole world – felt as much for somebody as I did for O. I adored him. Clung to him like a limpet. Demanded his attention 24/7; at the time, I honestly believed I was doing the right thing. I thought he appreciated knowing just how special he was to me.
And for a long time, we wrote a love story together. O was just as attentive and clingy; demanding to know who was texting me or why I’d not answered my phone. We were perfectly destructive for each other, but the constant friction created a passion which kept us coming back to each other, time and time again.
Then it all changed. He broke free of the bonds we’d created and walked his own path. I thought I had the ending all worked out, but he added his own epilogue.
Sitting together and so far apart,
a thousand words unsaid and truths unspoken,
I never felt more alone, more out of place,
as I do tonight,
sitting by your side.
A bottle in my hand and a cigarette in yours,
I open my mouth but no words will form,
it all seems so trivial when I feel this broken,
when you’re sitting so close to me,
yet not here at all.
Writing about 2008 is more difficult than I ever imagined. On one hand, I almost feel uncomfortable writing about my past relationships now that I’ve been with S for eighteen months; I know he probably wouldn’t mind, but it must be weird for him to know I’m writing about my exes. On the other hand, it’s only now that I can see just how low I sunk; I knew I was falling apart but what I didn’t realise is that I’d totally cracked long before it got to this point. I can see that now. It’s difficult to think about. I acted in ways I’m not proud of and damaged my body god knows how much with handfuls of amitriptyline, tramadol, diazepam, co-codamol, small antidepressant overdoses to get me through the night in a dazed drug-fuelled stupor instead of having to deal with the reality of everything in my life going incredibly wrong.
O and I… we stopped speaking one day. Conversation turned to bitter arguments and shouting matches. Slammed doors and a smashed laptop. Midnight chases down the street; it was always me doing the running. I just couldn’t face any of it.
I remember sitting on his swivel office chair, gulping from a bottle of cheap peach schnapps and watching him smoke cigarette after cigarette, sitting on his bed and brooding. He threw me out that night.
Of course, we got back together. We did a lot of getting back together.
Stars refuse to shine tonight,
my sky is darker than ever before,
Summer slips effortlessly into Autumn,
as I keep vigil at the window once more.
I’ve written these words a thousand times,
felt these emotions more than I’d care,
I’ve walked this room and talked to these walls,
every night since you stopped being there.
You may think it strange, you may say you’re around,
but that means so little when you’re miles away.
when feelings run cold and nights last forever,
and I attempt coping in my own way.
You smiled today, you looked into my eyes,
and I considered perhaps it may not all be lost,
with your fingers inside me and kisses so warm,
but I now freeze, as the night turns to frost.
Empty streets with nobody around,
an empty room which still holds your vibrations,
afraid to move pillows which still smell of you,
… afraid to remember our last conversations.
Am I losing you, is this all I was,
someone to let go of when it suited?
My body aches and I don’t want to think,
that I must have loved, more than you ever did.
If you could see me tonight, would it change your mind?
If I broke down in front of you, would you ever see?
If I tore myself open in a less private way,
would you ever remember why you once loved me?
I hold the stars, they’re all I have,
words don’t mean half of what I believed,
I stand at the window, replaying what you said,
and I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to believe.
I always loved you more than the stars,
and I always needed you more than you’ll know,
I always felt more for you, than you felt for me,
and tonight, for the first time, I believe it shows.
We spoke as though the grass was greener
I was colder, you were meaner,
we conveniently forgot
everything we were not
supposed to be.
Miles between us now
and I can’t quite see how
we could have left us behind
you could have ever been unkind
There are no words,
I will never
The grass was never greener.
Stars never shone so brightly
in summer skies and on lonely nights,
before now, at my window
shadows cast by streetlights.
Planets shining brighter still,
maps in the sky above my head
pointing the way but I can’t follow,
I’ll never again be so easily led.
Stars and comets, clouds and sky
far above me yet feel like home,
my nightly companions, lighting my vigils,
window-spent nights when I’m entirely alone.
This lack of control is killing me,
your eyes are open but you can’t see,
the pain I bury, the shame I hide,
the secret anger I keep inside.
Sometimes I speak but you can’t hear,
my words are stunted, censored by fear,
I choose it all so carefully,
I want you to know, but I’m afraid you’ll see.
My weakness and all I’ve become,
my desperation and all that I’ve done,
the holes I’ve dug and the walls I build,
I hide my feelings beneath blankets of guilt.
I can’t explain why I keep it inside,
when you know it happens, why do I lie?
You know the reality, you’ve seen the truth,
yet I do my best to keep this from you.
I slide down further, I lose my grip,
you reached out for me but I let myself slip,
and why do I do this, why do I fall?
I never meant for any of this, any of this at all.
This loss of power, it’s destroying me,
it’s chipping away at who I used to be,
I wash my hands, I tidy this away,
sweep it under the carpet because I’ll never say,
that I’m losing control, that I can’t seem to stand,
on my own, without your hands,
to pull me up out of this hell I made,
the monster I created that day.
I try to control us, but it’s killing me,
my eyes are open but I’ll never see,
past the bathroom and the kitchen light,
I reach out to you, but you’re not here tonight.
My disgrace, it’s tearing my skin,
it’s ripping at everything I’ve ever been,
a crutch I made, a path I chose,
I have no control, and I know it shows.
Tiny white pills, slowly killing me,
but I close my eyes, refuse to see,
empty bottles hidden and your photo on my wall,
nothing can save me… nobody at all.
This lack of control was always killing me,
what I loved was always the enemy,
letters unwritten and diaries burned,
pills, bottles, bathrooms – lessons I never learned.
Words I wrote never got to you,
feelings I’ve hidden, but it’s nothing new,
it’s nothing you haven’t heard before,
just another night on the bathroom floor.
This lack of control, you speak to me,
I want to confess, I want you to see,
but I fall silent, consumed by the shame,
just two words:
…as I fall apart again.
My old best friend, always under the surface
now stands beside me with a smile on their face,
my oldest enemy,
my lifelong ally,
I feel so much for you
but you feel nothing for me.
You don’t care when you tear me apart,
on those afternoons when you’re all
I can think of,
when my dreams are filled with nothing but you
and the control you gave
the promises you made
the body you betrayed.
I hate you, I love you
I need you, it disgusts me,
my reliance on you,
always one step away
you pull my strings once more.
I never let go,
my secret friend.
Coffee turns to a smudge of brown
and my hands shake in the cold night air,
overlooking my smallest of kingdoms
and I wait for you; you’re always there.
You’re the indented letters on a torn-out page
in the diary I filled with a year of control,
you’re the tip of a cigarette, falling to ash;
the all-engulfing, paralysing cold.
Winter turns to spring, seasons pass by,
your unwelcome presence piercing through,
coffee turns to sludge in an abandoned mug,
and I sit by the window;
waiting for you.