I don’t polish my halo,
You mean more to me
I can’t disrespect that,
I don’t think you’d care,
when you see
right through me.
I leave everything tainted,
None of it matters.
always meant more to me.
You vs. I;
was never supposed to be a war.
We stood together,
yet always apart.
I think I love you,
but how can I be sure?
I slipped, you see,
I let us both down.
You vs. I;
and how can we win the battle?
When we are one and the same?
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All these emotions
Are now leaving
Everything I thought
I believed in
Replaced by someone
A different me
A different you.
You don’t look
Are now colder
Is now older.
But it’s not you
But it’s changed
But these aren’t
You have changed
And I’m not
person I was
I shut her out
I closed the door
I resented her
She had to go
I left behind
Everything I know.
I look at you
We’ve both changed
But you’re just
Not the same.
And while I’ve been
While I’ve been
It was all
It was all for
I stare at your
Try to see through
Trying to find
We’ve both changed
Nothing could be
I just wish you
You’re someone new
I know I am too
And it secretly thrills me
It openly kills me.
I sat alone tonight.
For the first time,
I can’t stand the music,
they sing words which fit
I want to confess but the words won’t flow,
and it fills me with fear to lay myself so bare.
I was alone tonight.
Still feeling pressure where your fingers
on my lips.
on my skin.
I want to admit, but it makes me afraid,
it’s all so unpredictable and you’re in control.
I will sleep alone tonight.
Holding tight to memories.
Reading your messages.
I need to speak, but fear keeps me silent,
I want to find a table and lay my cards down for you.
Tonight, I will be alone.
Lulled by tiny blue pills
and imagining your arms holding me, like before.
I want to ask
a thousand questions.
And I’m afraid
of the answers.
You stroked your hands across my back
As I remembered pebbles on the beach
How your mouth tasted of salt and sea
How for a moment, it was just you and me.
Stones beneath our feet that day
Words carried away on the wind
We could see right to the edge of the sky
Hand in hand, you and I.
You held me close as tears fell
But you felt so far away
Taste of the ocean in my eyes,
You tasted every tear I cried.
A memory of crashing waves
I still hear the seagulls cry
I look at you now with fear on my face
Wanting only to be back in that place.
And now pebbles shift beneath our feet
Sinking sand keeps us miles apart
I reach to you but you turn away
As though nothing happened betweeen us that day.
On the beach where pebbles grow
Where the waves whisper our names
On that beach, on that day
I loved you in every possible way.
I love you now as I loved you then
And though the pebbles have worn smooth
Eroded by our years together
Pebbles, like beaches, can still last forever.
1. I will always find women more attractive than men, but I find men easier and more rewarding to love. I’m am still unsure of my sexuality.
2. I smoke in bed. My sheets are covered in tobacco and smudges of ash. I stay awake at night to smoke pot.
3. I suspect I have had more sex than most women my age. I have slept with much older men, I have had one-night stands. I had sex with a woman in the toilets of a club when I was seventeen. The sexual side of my relationship with my ex-fiance often involved BDSM, consensual violence and blood play. I’ve used sex to justify my existence. I have sex on the first date.
4. Sometimes I lie, without even knowing it.
5. I stash empty crisp packets and food wrappers down the side of my bed, so nobody knows I binge eat.
6. It’s not a secret, but I take a lot of medication I don’t need. I go to different pharmacies to buy co-codamol so nobody suspects I have a constant craving for opiates. I take antihistamines for the drowsy side-effects. I scour labels on cough medicine to find the ones with sedatives in. I enjoy the feeling of being under a chemical cosh, I find life without opiates too fast and confusing. I never wanted to be someone who never took drugs; I want to experience everything once.
7. I find it impossible to keep friendships. I start off meaning well, but I inevitably become introverted and nervous, and stop contacting them. I come across as cold, but I just can’t bring myself to fully trust a friend, and eventually it seems better to let the friendship go. I’m scared of friendship.
8. I often wish I lived in my dreams. The world I dream about is so much brighter and more beautiful than this one. Magical things happen. I have recurring, lucid dreams, and over the years I’ve built towns and cities in my head, places I visit every night. I could draw a map of them, they’re so real to me. I think it’s partly the medication and partly the pot which fuels these dreams. I’d feel lost without them; I’ve been visiting those places for so, so long.
9. I cannot play any instrument. Not a single one. Nor can I sing.
10. Sometimes I feel like I’m behind a glass wall. I don’t feel part of anything; almost like I’m out of my body and watching the world pass by without any real involvement. I have constant deja-vu, in places I’ve never been before. Some places elict such strong emotions in me that I want to cry, Yet I’ve never been there. It’s like I’m always out of step.
I stand alone,
but not quite secluded,
in a comfortable peace I never knew I could feel.
All that I could be
if I just tried harder.
Everything I used to be,
something I now regret.
Who I am,
and who I’ve let down.
I stand at the window,
a different place than it ever used to be,
something so wrong, turned so right.
5 minutes past midnight
with tiny lights above my head.
A long-empty bottle to remind me,
and a cigarette,
My thoughts turn to you.
And the things which always
Tiny lanterns hang in the sky,
despite it all.
In this flawed existence,
In this story with no end
You met with my resistance
- You thought it might bend.
I confess, I left it loose
I left a hole shaped for you
I opened up past my comfort zone
but I never thought you’d break through.
Scaring myself with ugly thoughts
Painful dreams beyond my control
I chanced a look at your face, your eyes
but everything I saw became so cold.
Icy hands, freezing my skin
Your snowstorm lips upon my cheek
Fingers like icicles upon my back
But all I felt was the beating
My heart trapped in my mouth
Consuming my empty, worthless words
How can I ever walk away now,
how can I pretend I never cared?
In this scarred persistence
My story with no happy ending
I regret opening myself quite so wide
Because I’m now breaking, and not bending.
Your fingers twisted around mine
Heavy arms across my chest
My skin on fire, our blood pumping
And my heart -
In this solitary corner
Where the story never ends
You met me like we’d never known each other
You expected me to bend.
And I confess, I wanted you
I opened up a tiny door
Ignored your dirty fingers if it meant
You’d lift me up off the floor.
I expected you to save me
I knew you’d have the key
The wrong thing to want, the wrong thing to need
And now here I stand, alone
My every moment up until this day
Turns to nothing when you look at me
In your sweet and silent way.
I laid myself bare before you
Closed my eyes but you opened them wide
Whispered ‘I love you’s’ in the dark
And always the pain inside.
A thousand whispered ‘if only’s’
If only things could stay just the same
…You wouldn’t have changed.
I thought we were going
to go up the field a ways
to join all the other living souls
but you never came
robbed of your fortune
they gave disappointment and lies
they’re probably poisoning your body
I hope you’re alright
In the morning you’ll feel
you’re digging your heels
the pills won’t help you now
won’t you call?