Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometimes.

If there’s something to be learned from Amy Winehouse’s death, it’s that I need to stop playing around with my health. I may be a prescription drug addict, but I’m an addict nonetheless. I’m a junkie. There, I admitted it.

Codeine is my mistress. Failing that, antihistamines or cough medicine. Any quick fix for the anxiety. I need to stop.

Pierced to a Platform

A sucker for love
and a hopeless cause
clocks tick slowly
and I am pierced to a platform.

Trapped by ellipses
muddled  by so many words
holes swapped for a soul
and a lamp post
lighting my way.

I am fearful of the dark, now.

(c) 2011

If hospitals cure then prisons must bring their pain

I planned to write a positive, inspiring entry yesterday, but it didn’t happen and now all I can find to write about is pain.

I’ve tried putting a positive face on the past week; tried making the most of forced resting by catching up on movies and books. I just can’t keep that false smile on my face any more. I’m in pain, it’s fucking horrible, and nobody understands. Nobody close to me, anyway.

Mum understands the physical pain as she has fibromyalgia also, but she doesn’t understand the pain from isolation and judgement. She doesn’t feel the need to socialise and live life like I do.

S understands that I’m in pain, but he doesn’t know how it feels. He’s incredibly sympathetic and helpful, but I can’t help thinking that he’ll leave me. I’m such a burden.

Right now, I have stabbing pains in my chest which make me feel sick every time I breathe, shooting pains down my leg, and burning in my backside. I can’t stand for more than a minute without needing to fall over. I can’t sit. Can’t lie down. Can’t get off the toilet without hurting myself. Can’t sneeze without extreme pain in my lower back. This has gone on for over a week now, and I’m ready to lie down on the floor and cry until I can’t cry any more.

I feel useless.

As usual.

With You

that I am no longer
on my own,
by your skin
your neck,

bedtime words
you whisper
to me
never meant
than when

by your grace;
we share the same
with you,
my love,
I am constantly

(c) 2011

I Hold The Stars

Stars refuse to shine tonight,
my sky is darker than ever before,
Summer slips effortlessly into Autumn,
as I keep vigil at the window once more.

I’ve written these words a thousand times,
felt these emotions more than I’d care,
I’ve walked this room and talked to these walls,
every night since you stopped being there.

You may think it strange, you may say you’re around,
but that means so little when you’re miles away.
when feelings run cold and nights last forever,
and I attempt coping in my own way.

You smiled today, you looked into my eyes,
and I considered perhaps it may not all be lost,
with your fingers inside me and kisses so warm,
but I now freeze, as the night turns to frost.

Empty streets with nobody around,
an empty room which still holds your vibrations,
afraid to move pillows which still smell of you,
… afraid to remember our last conversations.

Am I losing you, is this all I was,
someone to let go of when it suited?
My body aches and I don’t want to think,
that I must have loved, more than you ever did.

If you could see me tonight, would it change your mind?
If I broke down in front of you, would you ever see?
If I tore myself open in a less private way,
would you ever remember why you once loved me?

I hold the stars, they’re all I have,
words don’t mean half of what I believed,
I stand at the window, replaying what you said,
and I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to believe.

I always loved you more than the stars,
and I always needed you more than you’ll know,
I always felt more for you, than you felt for me,
and tonight, for the first time, I believe it shows.

(c)  2008.