So you run down to the safety of the town.

Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.
Anais Nin

There is no logical reason for me to feel anxious.

I am secure. I have a house, a roof over my head. I have enough money to get by on, even if I don’t get to go on holiday or own a car. I have my things around me, things I’ve bought and acquired, things which help me establish who I am when I’m confused. I have S. I have friends. I have family. Most importantly, I have understanding of the reasons why I feel this way; I know I have borderline personality disorder, I know I have depression, I know I suffer from panic attacks. I know all this is chemical, and not caused by something I’ve done wrong.

Still, I panic.

My sleep patterns have improved hugely over the past few weeks. I’m starting to feel human again, the insomnia is abating and I’m finding it easier to wake up. I’m even waking up in the morning, rather than 3pm.

Still, I panic.

I’m getting dressed in the morning. Washing my hair. Cooking meals and doing housework.

Still, I panic. My heart feels like a stone, forcing itself against my ribcage. I want to speak to S, I want him to reassure me, but I refuse to go down that path. I want codeine. I want a joint. I want to rip at my arms. I want to eat until I suffocate the anxiety.

I forgot to take my medication at the weekend.

I suppose this is proof I need it.

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  1. Reading these posts causes a tightness in my chest . Remembering the spells of anxiety that does come once in a while, One can understand how very much more you must be suffering ..or can another really do that? However strong our sense of empathy may be, you living it, will never be able to really put in wordsthe dread in your palpitating heart …dread for no reason..just dread. It’s enormously remarkable that you have chosen not to go under and fight it out…these posts being one of your ways of pulling yourself up. I admire such strength. I really do.


  2. An impressive share, I just given this onto a colleague who was doing a little analysis on this. And he in fact bought me breakfast because I found it for him.. :-)

    So let me reword that: Thanks for this article! Big thumb up for this blog post!

    Best regards Alex


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